I hop on the counter and search the top shelves of Clara’s cabinet, hoping to find a vase. I pull down a rectangular one with little glass pebbles in the bottom. Tim must have brought her flowers often. Cold water drowns the pebbles. They’re iridescent, and the grayness of the day makes them reflect the shades of an ocean storm. Placing the roses in the vase, I take care in arranging them. I’m stalling. With a deep sniff of the flowers I return to the living room and place them on the coffee table.
Blaine stands up and without a word pulls me close and kisses me. It’s not the tender kiss I’m used to. It’s deep and passionate. At least I think it is. I push my hips closer and notice he’s hard. My stomach flutters. He pulls me with him as he sits down on the couch. I straddle him and he says, “Kiss my neck.” I lower my head and lick the salty musk of him. Hands move under my shirt and up my back. My skin tingles in response. I don’t know where this is coming from, but I will it to keep going. Making my way back to his lips, he pushes me aside and starts to kiss my shoulder. I throw my head back and lift up so he can go lower. He responds by rising to stay on top of my shoulder. Okay, kind of weird. But heck, we seem to do weird. I grind into his hardness. It’s still there. I think it might be time to move this to the bedroom. Standing up, I pull him with me. There is no mistaking the lust in his eyes.
Once in the bedroom, I direct him to the bed and push him down so he lies on his back. I crawl onto him and start to kiss his neck. My hands lift his shirt. I feel his gentle fingers under my top and on my back. He flips me over and straddles me. He makes quick work of removing his shirt. Channing’s got nothing on Blaine. I reach up and grab the waistband of his jeans. I unbutton them and start on the zipper. He helps me. Oh, my word, this is really happening. My hands reach to pull his jeans down. His hands follow mine but pull on the boxers too. Blaine’s head is back and his eyes are closed. Wow, this is good for him.
While he stands to remove his pants, I whip my shirt off and then my bra. I waste no time. God, he’s beautiful. I lay back down as he returns to his knees. He leans over me and kisses my neck, and a hand reaches for my breast, rubbing me the way I showed him. Waves of pleasure storm through my body. His mouth repeats the action. I reach up to touch his maleness and stroke, but he isn’t very hard. I squeeze with more pressure. Crap. Here we go again. It doesn’t work. It’s like I’m wiping it away. I stop.
He pulls himself away and sits back on the bed and says, “Fuck.” He has his head in his hands, and I can’t see his face. I’m not sure what to do. I sit up and say nothing. He gets up, grabs his pants, and pounds out without a word.
Damn it. I hear water run in the bathroom sink and get dressed. My resigned steps lead me to the living room. An almost naked Channing dances. I watch for a second, and then I go cold. My stomach clenches. My hand goes to my mouth and I whisper, “Oh, my God.” I turn and see Blaine come toward me. He has fear in his eyes.
“Casey. It’s not what you think.” He reaches for me. I stumble back.
“No. Please don’t touch me. I…” I shake my head. Where have I heard that before? Of course it’s what I think. Holy shit. He really is gay.
Blaine takes the remote and forces the TV to stop. He looks into my eyes, and I see absolute fear. Oh God, this poor man. I reach out toward him. “Blaine?” He grabs my hand like a man drowning. He latches onto me and pulls me down as he crumbles to the floor.
After what seems like an eternity, he speaks. “I don’t want to be gay. I want to be a normal man. I’ve been trying forever, but I can’t seem to make it work. I don’t know what to do.” There’s desperation in his voice.
My heart aches for him. “Blaine, I don’t think you get to make it happen.” I reach up and cup his face in my hand. “You deserve to love someone you want to be with physically. Someone whose body turns you on with a touch, who makes your skin tingle, your insides melt. Someone who makes you feel the things I’ve felt with you. Don’t you want that?”
“It’s not right.”
My heart is breaking. “You’re talking to the wrong person. I don’t see being gay as wrong or unnatural. It just is.”
I’m at a loss here. I suppose I should be pissed. But right now all I can think of is how to ease his pain.
“Yeah, maybe.” He stands up.
I don’t believe him. “You go to the counselor tomorrow, right?”
“Yes.”
“Talk to him. Please?” I wrap my arms around his waist and put my face on his chest.
He seems defeated. “Okay. I’m going to go.”
All of a sudden I’m afraid. “Wait. I grab his hand as he walks toward the door. He turns back to me. “I love you. And, I will still love you tomorrow.”
He nods and walks out.
I sink into the couch. I remember so many little things, and it all starts to make sense. Holy crap. It was right there, and I let myself deny it, right along with Blaine.
Chapter 40
My body is about to collapse. I decided on an eighteen-mile run today. I look down at the little blue dot on my phone. Google maps keeps me from getting lost. I needed this to process what happened yesterday. Next to skiing, running is my therapy. My legs are like Jell-O. I stop running and walk. A quarter of a mile from home, I cool down, but my thoughts don’t. I can’t fathom what it must be like to spend your life trying to change your sexual preference.
It occurs to me that he must have been in love with Tim and that’s why he moved here. How painful it must be to watch the man you’re in love with be married to someone else, to have children and the life you want. Blaine wanted it so bad and was trying to make it happen the only way he knew how. I was more than willing to help him with that lie. Only I didn’t know it. All this time we were chasing after our common dream, forgetting life and relationships don’t have boilerplate blueprints. We both sacrificed something very important—intimacy.
I think about the house I shot that day with Sandy. Our lie sure did crash down around us. A sudden gust of wind makes me shiver. I wrap my arms around myself and think about how awful it could have been. What if Blaine had managed to find a way to keep a fantasy in his head long enough? What if we had gotten married and had children?
My legs are spent. I’ll be sore tomorrow. My phone vibrates. I texted Blaine earlier and asked him to just let me know he’s okay. I look at my phone.
“Told counselor. I’m okay. I’ll text tomorrow”
Relief floods my body as I approach my door. I’m exhausted. I think sleep will be easy tonight.
***
“Casey! What’s going on, chica?”
It’s so good to hear Gretchen’s voice. “Boy, have I got news for you.”
“Oh, goodie. Do tell.”
“Blaine is gay.”
There is a long silence and then in an almost whisper. “Holy shit.”
“Yeah. He’s been trying this whole time to be straight. He wants a normal life with a wife and kids that bad.” I pace the living room.
“Wow. Just wow. How are you handling it?”
“In the beginning he was so upset that I was focused on making sure he was okay. Now I’m questioning why I didn’t see it.” There’s silence. “Okay, you can say it. I saw what I wanted to see.”
“No, I’m just glad your eyes were opened before you made big decisions.” With concern in her voice, Gretchen asks, “What do people think? Are they saying things to you?”
“Nobody knows but me. I’m not sure how that will play out, but it’s not my secret to share. You’re the only person I plan to tell.” I hop up on the kitchen counter and look out over the mountains through the kitchen window. “While it explains so much about our relationship, I’m blown away that someone would do something so drastic.”
“Are you? You sure work hard to get what you want. I’m surprised what Blaine did shocked you. You aren’t that different.”
“What do
you mean?”
“Have you figured out why you didn’t want to see it? Because I think that’s your answer.”
Crap. Did I really not want to see it because I was so focused on getting what I wanted?
Gretchen breaks the silence. “Just think about it”
I think about it, but it’s time to change the subject. “Let me live vicariously through you now. How’s that man of yours?”
We catch up on our lives. But in the back of mind, I reel from the idea that I was willing to live the lie too.
Chapter 41
“This seems weird.” Blaine has stopped by with the overnight things I had at his apartment. I’ve texted with him but not seen much of him for a month. He sets the bag down on my couch.
“We do weird.” I give him a rueful smile. “But yeah, it does.”
“Are you okay? I mean, this has to affect you, too. Do you think…? Well… The counselor says you may feel undesirable and might think something is wrong with you. Do you feel that way? Because I can give you a list of guys that have told me how hot you are.”
“What?” I chuckle. This is even weirder. “I must be cocky because I don’t feel undesirable. I know guys look at me. Plus, if any of them have seen me with you, they know I can get turned on with a look. I guess that’s a bonus. But if you want to give me that list…,” I tease.
He snorts. “Kaleb noticed that about you. He’s on the top of the list.”
Heat rises to my cheeks. I’m not sure I’m ready for Blaine to be my gay best friend. “Truth? I have my moments. Looking back, I see there were little signs I should have picked up on. I kick myself for being so blind. You were the perfect package, Blaine. But…” I walk over to him and put my hand on his muscled arm. “You’re very lovable. I don’t regret us. I really don’t.”
Strong hands hold my face. “Do you have any idea how amazing you are? You were supposed to run screaming from me. Maybe rough me up a bit. Instead, you put yourself aside and worried about me. I underestimated you.” He kisses the top of my head.
“I doubt you want to deal with telling people you’re gay right now. I’ve been telling people we’re taking a break. Does that work for you?”
“Sure.” A grateful look floods his face. “I miss you.”
“Want to hang out and have Chinese? We can do that, right? I miss you, too.”
“I don’t see why not. But let’s not do a movie.” His eyes dance with laughter. He’ll be fine.
Chapter 42
I am still getting used to being alone. My usual routine has changed. I miss dinners with Blaine, lunch at the bike shop, and doing things with Nick and Megan. I wouldn’t say I’m lonely, but I realize I don’t have many close friends here. Clara is gone, and Megan is my only other close girlfriend. I used to see her a couple of times a week with our double dates. I’m looking forward to winter and working on the mountain.
Part of my new single status means if I want lunch out, I’m on my own. I’m not uncomfortable eating solo, but I find I need something to do. I creep myself out with the way I listen to strangers’ entire conversations. Sometimes I’m privy to things I shouldn’t know. I’ve started to bring a book.
“May I have a bowl of the squash soup and the chicken salad sandwich? Thanks.” My stomach growls as I stand at the counter of The Baked Bean. My appetite is back, and I’m doing my best to fatten up for winter.
I grab water from the fridge and chips to put on my tray next to the register. I eye the desserts and decide on carrot cake. When the soup and sandwich are ready, I pay and walk over to a table. The smell of the soup wafts up to my nose, and my mouth starts to water. Few people are scatted about the tables. I spot a couple I remember from last week. He had cheated, and she wanted to believe he was sorry and would never do it again. I bet good money she’s wrong. I don’t want to be anywhere near that and go for the table in the corner at the back of the room. If I get tired of my book, I have the view of the entire coffee shop to entertain me.
I take a cautious sip of the soup. It’s hot on my tongue, but not scalding. The flavor of squash, onion, and something sweet is delicious. I try not to eat too fast, but I’m really hungry. I’m so ravenous I don’t even open my book until all that’s left is cake. I’m lost in a romance when he interrupts me. “You gonna eat that?” Before I look up I recognize his woodsy scent and feel a smile form. Jason sits down across from me. His hair is longer than usual, and the sandy-blond locks are sexy. They almost hide those eyes. I resist the urge to push his hair back. His hand reaches toward my carrot cake.
I slap it out of the way. “Hey! Hands off.” I chuckle. “It’s good to see you. It’s been a while.”
He breaks off a piece and pops it into his mouth. “Oh, that’s good.” He looks at my empty plate and bowl. “Did you eat all that?” Finally, the food police can be proud of me.
“I sure did. A bowl of soup, a sandwich, chips, and a pickle. Impressed?”
“Stand up, I want to see if your ass is skinny or… Hell, I just want to see your ass.” He smiles his evil smile.
I shake my head. “You’re a piece of work.”
“Life with the boyfriend must be better if you’re eating.” He snitches another piece of cake.
“We broke up.” I pick up my fork and hover protectively over the dessert.
He raises his eyebrows at me. “Is that good or bad?”
“It’s good. I mean we’re still good friends. So, yeah, it’s good.” Oh, I’m smooth.
He snorts, “So it’s good. Good.”
I roll my eyes. Damn if he doesn’t look amazing. The banter hasn’t distracted my body one bit. A little something smolders. “Did you see the snow?”
“I did. I can’t believe we start in two weeks.” He grabs my hand holding the fork and with his free one takes another piece of cake.
“I know. My work has pretty much dried up, and I’m getting bored.” A dirty blond is headed our way. She’s pretty and petite; curvy in a way that makes me jealous. From the look on her face, I’m returning the favor. I point at her with the fork. “I think someone’s looking for you.”
“There you are. I’ve been waiting outside. Didn’t you read your texts?” She has her hands on her hips, and I wonder if she will tap her Frye-boot-clad foot at him too. I know I shouldn’t be amused, but I am. This is so not his kind of girl.
Jason leans back in his chair and looks at me. “Casey, this is Cassie.” Then he looks at Cassie, whose eyes flash with anger. “You’re so cute when you’re mad.” She lets out a big sigh of exasperation and stomps off toward the counter.
I roll my eyes. “You did not just say that to her.”
Jason stands up. He flashes his evil smile again. “It makes her feisty.” He leans down close to my ear, grazing it with his warm breath and whispers, “You know how I like that.” Shivers race down my body. A quick vision of the night in my loft appears in my mind. Good lord, how does he do that to me? I watch him as he walks away. I look at the firm butt and long lean body. I bite my lower lip, and then jealousy takes hold. Damn it.
So did Cassie come with him? She couldn’t have. He never would have been alone at The Fish Bowl last summer. Just how serious are they? I picture him kissing her. Crap. I start to pack my stuff up and look at my cake. Appetite gone, I dump it into my bowl. As I get up I hear, “Casey.” It’s Blaine.
He looks as yummy as ever. He meets me and takes the tray from my hands. “I have to talk to you. Can I walk you somewhere?”
I watch him deal with the trash, dishes, and tray for me. “Sure. You look great.”
He turns to me. “You do, too.” I can see Jason behind Blaine and he watches us. A sudden flare of green makes me reach up and pull Blaine down for a kiss. Just a quick one on the lips, but my goal is achieved. Jason looks pissed.
Blaine puts his arm around my shoulders, takes my backpack and we wa
lk out.
“I talked to Clara today. She sounds happy and said the kids love California.”
Cool air makes me wish for gloves, and I pull my hands up into my sleeves. “When is she coming back? I miss them. I have a room at the boarding house, but I know Mrs. Matheson would like to know when she’ll start to get my money.”
“They’re not. Clara wanted me to feel you out on something. She would like you to stay in her house, but wondered if you’d be willing to pay her what you would have paid for the boarding house room.” He flips his hair out of his eyes and I smell his shampoo. I’ve never seen it this long.
“Of course. Why aren’t they coming back?” I was looking forward to having Clara to hang out with.
“She’s happy there. Being near Tim’s family gives her help with the kids, and she isn’t sure she can face a winter here without him. Too many memories.”
I look up at Blaine’s face. I see tears in his eyes. I take his hand and the warmth covers my chilly one. “I’m sure there are.”
Blaine clears his throat. “There’s more. I’ve decided to move back, too.”
“What?” No. I’m not ready for him to be gone from my life.
“Casey, I have to deal with who I am. This will be a hard place to do that. When I’m completely comfortable with it, I can come back.” A snow flurry lands on my nose melting before I can brush it off.
I stop and we turn toward each other. “I don’t want you to go.” My eyes brim with tears. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me in tight. I can’t help it; the tears fall.
“Shhh, don’t.” His voice is soft as if I’m a child.
I look up at him. “I feel like I’ll never see you again once you go. Just because we, you know.” I pause. “I haven’t stopped loving you, Blaine.”
“Come with me. You’d love it there. I’ll teach you to surf. I know you’d be a natural.” Blaine has hope in his voice. He tucks a curl behind my ear.
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