The Merchant's Love

by Antonia Aquilante

“And what about our secrets?”

  “You know I haven’t told him anything.” As much as Faelen wanted to, more and more each day. It felt worse all the time, keeping such an important thing from the man he loved. It hurt, but he wouldn’t betray his family.

  “What will he say when he finds out you kept something so important from him? Will he be upset? Or will you just keep it from him forever? Though I guess it’s best if you don’t tell him, considering he’d planning on going away and maybe never coming back.”

  Faelen tried to control his flinch at Alexander’s words. “I don’t understand what you’re upset about now—that I haven’t told Maxen, or that I might, or that I might never? I’m keeping our secrets. That’s all I can do, whatever I might prefer. And I don’t appreciate your yelling at me about it.”

  “What I’d like to know is why the two of you are yelling like children with the door open so anyone can hear you.”

  Faelen spun around at Amory’s voice, finding him standing with one hand on the half-open door. He regarded Faelen and Alexander sternly, with the expectation that there would actually be an answer to his question. Unfortunately, Faelen didn’t have a good one.

  “I’m sorry, Amory,” he began, but Alexander jumped in almost immediately, rushing to explain what had happened between them, obviously looking for an ally. He ignored Faelen snapping his name out. How could Alexander share so much with Amory? It wasn’t his place when it wasn’t his story to tell. Faelen watched incredulously, shaking his head, unable to fathom how his twin—who’d always fully believed it was them against world, just as Faelen had—could bring someone else into their discussion and Faelen’s decision.

  Amory shook his head when Alexander wound down. “I was under the impression that you two are adults, not children, but with all the screaming, I’m beginning to think I was wrong. I don’t care what your differences are, you need to discuss them like civilized people.” He looked from one to the other. “That said, I understand Alexander’s concern. I have siblings myself, and I worry about them all the time.”

  Faelen drew in a breath. “Amory—”

  The hand Amory held up stopped Faelen. “Concern is one thing and understandable. How you express it is quite another, Alexander. Please don’t make me scold you as if you were my child because I really don’t want to do that.”

  Alexander nodded sharply and looked away, his cheeks red.

  “Faelen.” Amory turned his attention back to him. “I didn’t know Maxen planned on leaving Jumelle.”

  “I don’t know if anyone does. I know he hasn’t mentioned it to Tristan yet.” Faelen frowned, and now he’d told someone about Maxen’s affairs again. He didn’t think this rose to the same level of confidentiality, but it was something Maxen hadn’t told his brother, and now Amory—who was Tristan’s friend—knew.

  “Tristan would tell him to go and not worry about anything here.” Amory sighed and shook his head. “Which is probably why Maxen didn’t say anything.”

  “Probably.” Most certainly.

  Amory regarded Faelen with compassion but not pity, which would’ve grated on his nerves. “You love him.”

  It wasn’t a question, but Faelen nodded. There was no reason not to admit it at this point.

  “Will you go with him when he leaves?”

  Alexander made a sound that was almost a squawk. Faelen would have laughed at any other time. “He hasn’t asked me, but I don’t want to leave Tournai, not the way Maxen does. Traveling around constantly.”

  “I thought you seemed as if you were settling in.” Amory’s smile was a bit wry. “I thought Maxen might be part of that. What will you do?”

  “I…I don’t know.” He didn’t want to leave Tournai for a nomadic traveling lifestyle, but he couldn’t ask Maxen to give up his dreams either.

  “You don’t have to know yet. It’s all right not to have everything planned for the rest of your life. But you do have some decisions to make. You love Maxen, so you must hate keeping things from him.”

  “But we have to keep the family secrets,” Alexander said.

  Amory flicked a glance in his direction briefly. “Yes. But if you love Maxen and plan to spend your life with him, you can tell him. If you trust Maxen, Philip will trust your judgment.”

  Philip had mentioned something like that before to Faelen, but Alexander didn’t know that, and his mouth dropped open. “Father doesn’t know. Mother never told him.”

  Amory was quiet for a moment. “Well. That was her choice. I don’t know why she made that decision, but she didn’t have to. Philip told me before we married. Of course, no one has to share the secret with a spouse either.”

  Flavian and Tristan were both aware of the family’s Talent as well. Faelen would probably never know, despite his curiosity, why Mother had chosen not to trust Father with it. He would never ask.

  “Faelen, you have to figure out what you want. Do you want to be with Maxen? If so, how will that work?” Amory smiled. “I doubt these are questions you haven’t considered.”

  “I’ve been avoiding some of them, to be honest. Everything is good now. I’d just like to keep it that way.”

  “I understand that,” Amory said, his voice warm and, yes, hinting at shared experience. “But at some point you have to think. Do you love Maxen enough to build a future with him? A marriage, even? Do you trust him with something that has the potential to be dangerous to the royal family if revealed?”

  Faelen’s instincts were screaming an affirmative to both questions, but Amory wasn’t finished yet.

  “And is Maxen really leaving for good?”

  That question felt like a punch in the gut.

  “I don’t know. I think so? He told me all about his plans once.” They’d been fairly elaborate too, as if Maxen had thought about them for quite some time.

  “Are they still his plans? Everything changes.” Amory regarded him carefully for a moment. “I don’t mean to push you. Only you can make these decisions, but maybe it’s time to stop ignoring them.”

  “I think that’s a good idea.” As much as he’d prefer to float along in the happy little bubble he’d been keeping himself in. “Thank you, Amory.”

  “Anytime. I mean that.” Amory pulled Faelen close for a quick hug that went a long way toward calming him down. “Find me if you want to talk some more. For now I’m going to find Flavian, which was what brought me here to begin with. I trust I can leave you two alone together now?”

  Faelen flushed, the heat in his cheeks scalding. Alexander scowled.

  “Yes, of course, you can,” Faelen said. “We shouldn’t have been so loud to begin with.”

  Amory closed the door behind him, leaving Faelen and Alexander alone, but Faelen wasn’t ready to talk to Alexander.

  “I’m going to the library.”

  Suiting actions to words, he turned and followed Amory from the room.

  “You look horrible.”

  Valentin glared from where he sprawled on Maxen’s couch. “Thanks ever so much.”

  Maxen laughed. “How much did you drink last night?”

  “Not as much as some of the others, but enough.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “And we were up late doing it.”

  “I’d have thought you’d be lazing around at home, then, recovering before you have to go back to work. Or at work, knowing you.” Maxen walked farther into the parlor. He hadn’t expected Valentin today, though he was always welcome. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “No. Thank you.”

  Maxen sat beside him. “So what brings you over?”

  “I told you yesterday I was worried about you.”

  “I didn’t think you’d rush right over. Besides, I told you not to.”

  Valentin let out a huff. “I didn’t rush over. I got some sleep first, and I assumed you’d be with Lord Faelen. Was I wrong?”

  “No, I spent the night at the palace with him.” Maxen rolled his eyes when he saw the way Valentin looked at hi
m. “Stop it.”

  “What?” he asked with all appearance of innocence. “In any case, I wanted to check on you. And if you think I’m going to stop just because you say so, you don’t know me very well.”

  “Can’t blame me for trying.”

  “I think I can a bit.” Valentin turned his head to look at Maxen but didn’t lift it from where it rested on the back of the couch. If Maxen was that tired, he wouldn’t want to be anywhere except his own bed.

  “Sorry.”

  “Now, tell me what’s happening. You mentioned an argument?”

  “Yes, but I’m not even thinking about that right now.” He raked a hand through his hair.

  “Tell me what it was anyway. That way you can sort through it and put it aside.”

  Maxen rolled his eyes and dodged the halfhearted smack Valentin sent his way. “Fine.” He explained what had happened, trying to be evenhanded about it. He didn’t want Valentin biased against Faelen over a disagreement they’d resolved.

  He needn’t have worried in that regard.

  “I don’t know. It sounds like you might have needed that push.” Valentin waved a hand when Maxen began to protest. “It wasn’t so long ago you were complaining that your brother took too much on himself and that he needed to share the burden with you. Then you go and do the same.”

  “It isn’t the same,” he protested. “And besides, I went to Tristan about that.”

  “So did he.”

  “Val.”

  Valentin laughed despite—or possibly at—Maxen’s repressive tone. “All right. Fine. I don’t know that he went about it the right way, but you probably needed someone to tell you what he did. I’m sorry I was too busy to see.”

  Irritation drained away like water. “It’s all right. But you do need a break now and then, or you’ll run yourself into the ground.”

  “With no friends left to help me up.”

  “I’ll always be here.” He patted Valentin’s shoulder. “But I’m going to keep trying to get you to take care of yourself to prevent the utter collapse.”

  “I’ll try. But we’ve strayed from the point. If your argument isn’t what’s upsetting you, then what is? Did something happen at the palace?”

  Maxen sighed and reached for the parcel on the table nearest the couch. “This was Faelen’s Midwinter gift to me.”

  Valentin opened it and examined each piece silently. “Very nice. Beautiful, in fact, but from all you’ve told me about him, I wouldn’t expect less. What’s the problem?”

  “He told me I could use it on my travels.”

  Valentin stared at him for a moment. “So it’s a thoughtful gift too. For years, you’ve talked about traveling and seeing everything. Why does this upset you so much?”

  “I…I’m not sure entirely.”

  “That’s not so helpful.”

  Maxen laughed weakly. “I’m not sure how helpful I can be. It’s a nice thought, but I can’t help but feel not quite happy with it. Just off. Wrong.”

  Valentin straightened a little and contemplated Maxen with a keen eye, so much so that after a few moments, Maxen had to force himself not to squirm. Then Valentin let out a long breath. “You know, it’s all right for goals and plans to change. For what you want now to be different from what you wanted before.”

  The unbalanced sensation didn’t ease. “What are you saying?”

  The look Valentin gave him was chiding. “I’m saying…do you still want to travel the way you’ve always said you did?”

  “Of course, I do.”

  “And what about Faelen? You love him. How will that work if you go?”

  Alexander’s words, the look in his eyes when he said them, flashed before Maxen again. “I do want to be with him.”

  Valentin’s steady gaze never wavered. “So how will it work? Would he go with you?”

  “I…” Maxen remembered Alexander’s words again and, more, every time Faelen had spoken of settling in to Jumelle. Of putting down roots. “No, I don’t think he’d want to.”

  “He’s a linguist, you said, and his father’s an ambassador. You’d think he’d be used to travel, or want to. Even want to become a diplomat like his father one day.”

  Maxen had never asked Faelen those questions, but then, nothing Faelen ever said brought up the possibility. “He’s never mentioned it. He’s only ever talked about his life here, what he’d doing here.”

  The life he was building surrounded by his family.

  “Interesting. Not that it would help you anyway if he did. He would have assignments, and you’ve always talked about wandering where the wind takes you.”

  “Have I?” He supposed he had, but to him it hadn’t been that way. He’d been noting places on maps his whole life, marking those he’d want to visit. But Faelen seemed to want home.

  “Will you ask him to go with you?”

  “Maybe. I’d hate for him to feel obligated just to make me happy.”

  “Is that something he’d do?” Valentin raised his eyebrows. “I’d think a member of the royal family could say no.”

  “I’m sure he can.” He just didn’t want to put Faelen in the position of thinking he would hurt Maxen by refusing. “He was about to argue with his brother when I left.”

  “Oh? What about?”

  “Me. Or at least I was the immediate cause.” Maxen rubbed his eyes. “Alexander was being protective, saying how hurt Faelen would be when I left. As if I would just leave without saying anything to anyone. The thought of hurting Faelen at all kills me. And I don’t even know when or if I’ll be able to travel.”

  “If you’re going to, maybe you should just go.” Valentin smiled gently. “I’m not trying to get rid of you. I’m going to miss you terribly, but if this is your dream, you need to do it, and before you get more entangled here.”

  Entangled. He hadn’t thought of his relationship with Faelen in those terms, but it wasn’t wrong. Perhaps he was even on his way to enmeshed. “I think I already am.”

  “Well, that makes things more difficult. I suppose on the face of it, you have two options. You can go as you planned and leave him here, either ending your affair or not, though it seems cruel not to if you don’t know when or if you plan to return. Or you can stay here with him.” Valentin laid out the options unemotionally, but not unkindly.

  Maxen hated both as soon as they were spoken. “I don’t suppose there’s a hidden third option?”

  “He might surprise you and say he’d love to go traveling for an unknown amount of time.” Valentin shrugged. “Or maybe a compromise of some sort if you can find one that suits you both. If you can’t, ending it now is probably the way to go.”

  Maxen’s breath caught in his throat, and he forced himself to calm. “That is…”

  “A harsh thing to say, I know.” Valentin’s voice was kind, filled with compassion. “But it can’t just be about what he wants or what you want, or neither of you will be happy together in the long run.”

  Something in Valentin’s voice made Maxen study him more closely. “Are you speaking from experience?”

  “There was someone… I wanted to come to Jumelle for university. They didn’t want to come with me and didn’t want me to go. It hurt, but I guess I wanted my studies more.” Valentin looked at Maxen. “What do you want more?”

  “I…” He shook his head. “I can’t imagine my life anymore without Faelen in it. But I’ve dreamed of traveling, getting on a ship and going off to see everything, for so long. How do you feel about my leaving?”

  “I’m going to miss you so much. But I’m not going to stand in your way if this is what you need to do.” Valentin’s smile turned sad around the edges. “I would never do that. You’re my friend, and I love you.”

  It wasn’t something they said to each other, and hearing it made Maxen’s eyes burn. Valentin was his brother in all but blood. “Thank you.”

  “I doubt he’d hold you back either.”

  “I know, but I hate the idea of lea
ving him behind too.” When he’d entered into this affair with Faelen, he hadn’t conceived of a scenario in which it would turn into something serious, let alone vital. He’d been captivated by Faelen, had thought of flirtation, but Faelen seemed so far above him. He never expected to love him, never thought Faelen might possibly love him back.

  But nothing had turned out the way he anticipated, and now, he was left floundering.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Faelen watched the city out of the carriage window. Dusk was beginning to fall, and the streetlights glowed, illuminating people walking quickly through the sleet that had begun to fall. It was the kind of night that drove people indoors and kept them there, but Faelen had left the palace after spending most of the day in the archive and the library. He wanted to be cozy and warm indoors, but with Maxen.

  And he wasn’t ready to talk to Alexander yet.

  Actually, he preferred not to think about Alexander. Faelen was still too upset with him, and he had to talk to Maxen. They’d been floating along on just the pleasure of being with each other, but Faelen needed to make plans, even if it meant his hopes being dashed.

  He flopped back against the cushions, huddling into the lap blanket. He should have let someone put a warming spell on it, but he’d thought he’d be fine on the quick trip. Only with the sleet, the trip wasn’t so quick. The chill seeped into the carriage despite the snugness of the conveyance and did nothing to help Faelen’s mood. Why couldn’t it have snowed? At least snow would have been pretty.

  Finally, the carriage arrived at Maxen’s house. Faelen flipped his hood up and climbed down as soon as they stopped. Though he wanted to be indoors immediately, he took a moment to thank the driver and tell him to return to the palace. Perhaps he was being overly optimistic with that instruction, but he had to be hopeful—he couldn’t believe that what he had with Maxen would end tonight. Not tonight, not yet. Not ever.

  Pia answered the door at his knock and let him in with a quick bob of a curtsy. She took his wet outer garments and whisked them away somewhere, leaving him to go to the parlor. The room was lit just enough to keep most of the shadows away, and a fire crackled in the hearth, providing blissful warmth. The drapes were pulled tight against the weather outside. And Maxen wasn’t alone. Another man sat with him on the couch. He had light-brown skin and short, messy dark hair.