He tensed up.
“Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“Yes.” He kept his eyes and mouth shut at least for a few minutes.
I kept rubbing his head and doing my best to watch the screen.
“You don’t know how good this feels.”
“I hope it’s making your headache go away.”
“I think you better keep rubbing.”
“I’m rolling my eyes at you.”
He smiled, but it was short-lived. “Meg,” insert a long pause, “I like autonomy.”
Tell me something I don’t know.
He opened his gorgeous eyes and peered into my own. “You asked me once if I let Brooke come over. The answer is once. And then we broke up.”
“Did she put her feet on the table or something?”
“No. She sat where you’re sitting right now and when I looked at her, it hit me that she didn’t belong here. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I thought maybe I had been wrong about how I approached women. But in all our time together, she never left me ‘wanting for more’ as you call it. I realized I am who I am.”
My hand smoothed his warm forehead.
His eyes closed from the touch.
“And that’s who you want to be?”
“I don’t know if I have it in my nature to be anyone else. Let’s change the subject.” The emotional walls came back up. “Tell me why you and Lucas broke up.”
I stopped rubbing his head, causing his eyes to open. I ran my fingers through my own hair. I don’t know why I was nervous to tell him. I released a large breath. “He broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him.”
“You didn’t love him?”
I shook my head. “I thought I did.”
“So, what was your problem?”
“I didn’t have a problem. I don’t have a problem.”
His eyes widened. “I hit a nerve.”
“Forget it. This is a game to you.”
He sat up, but stayed close. He rubbed his own neck. “Sometimes you confuse the hell out of me.”
“Me?”
He rubbed his neck harder. “You’re so open about every aspect of your life, except for when it comes to your own relationships. Yet you don’t have any issues telling me how I’m going about it all wrong.”
We came face to face and he dared me to contradict him.
“You want me to be open? Fine. I’ve never slept with anyone before.”
Astonishment washed over his features.
“I was going to. Lucas kept after me about how in love we were and it was the natural progression in our relationship. And for a moment I thought he was right. I told myself I was silly and I had waited a lot longer than most women. But the second I decided to give into him, he changed the way he looked at me. In his eyes, I saw that I was only a prize to be won by him. He didn’t really love me. And as soon as I told him I changed my mind, he broke up with me. I decided then and there that I would never be a man’s prize. I would only share myself with someone I truly loved and that someone was going to be committed to me in every regard. And if you think that’s a problem, so be it.”
Chapter Seventeen
“Don’t go.”
I ignored him. I was already up gathering the dinner dishes. I was cleaning up and heading home.
“I’m sorry.”
That gave me some pause. Apologizing didn’t seem to be his thing. But I kept on cleaning up.
He had other ideas. He stood and unceremoniously took the dishes out of my hand and set them down in a loud clatter. He wrapped me up in his arms. “Meg.”
At first I stood there stiff, but I was no match for him. He ran his hand down my back and my arms found themselves around him of their own accord. I fell against his chest, listening to the congestion in it as he breathed in and out.
“You remind me more of Kenz than you know.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know if she would want me to say.”
“Okay.”
He placed his chin on my head. “Why don’t you ever press me for more answers?”
“Do you want me to?”
“It seems unnatural that you don’t.”
“I guess I’m weird all around.”
He laughed. It sounded terrible in his chest. “You’re definitely different.”
“Thanks. I should probably go.”
“And there you go trying to run away again.”
“I don’t know what you want from me.”
It took him a minute to answer. In the meantime, I soaked up being in his arms. I wanted to stay there for an indefinite amount of time, but it wasn’t meant to be. He let go of me. “I’m not sure, but don’t leave.”
I looked up and met his confused eyes. “Tell me why I remind you of Kenadie.”
There was his smirk I had grown to adore.
We both sat back down on the couch. He put some distance between us. It was a good thing.
He turned off the TV and studied me.
“You can’t believe I’m a virgin.”
“I believe you, but it’s hard to believe.”
“You know it happens.”
“You don’t need to get defensive.”
I tucked some hair behind my ear. “Sorry. After Lucas, I’m sensitive about it. He came down hard on me. Called me a tease and a liar and some other names not worth mentioning.”
Zander tensed up and flexed his fingers. “You and Kenz know how to pick idiots.”
“What are you talking about? Jason’s great.”
“Jason is, but her ex-fiancé better hope Jason or I never run into him. He messed with Kenz’s head for a long time.”
“I know she was left at the altar.”
“That’s only part of it. She was like you and wanted to wait until she got married. I used to tease her about it. You can roll your eyes at me.”
I smiled.
“I didn’t know until she started dating Jason that she didn’t wait. Brian, the ex, played a lot of head games with her and pressured her into sleeping with him, and then he left her at the altar. It really messed with her.”
“That’s awful.”
“It took a lot for her to trust anyone again, mostly herself. She thought there was something wrong with her and she carried around guilt for too many years. She was worried when she started dating Jason what he might expect, so she confided in me and went to see a therapist. I wished she would have told me earlier.”
“You know you can be sweet sometimes.”
“Don’t tell anyone.” I think he meant that.
“Can I ask how Jason took it?”
“She didn’t even have to ask. He’s a better man than me. He promised her they would wait until they were married.”
“That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Does he have a brother?”
“What? You and someone like Jason would be a terrible match.”
“Are you kidding? He’s terrific, and aren’t you always saying I remind you of Kenadie?”
“There are similarities, but I’m telling you, you wouldn’t be happy with someone like Jason.”
“I think that sickness has gone to your brain. I bet if we ran Jason’s profile and my profile against each other at the office, we would have a high compatibility rate.”
“There’s probably a hundred guys in our system that would give you the same result, but you wouldn’t be happy with all of them, maybe not any of them.”
He was wrong. There was one guy in our system that did make me happy. “So who would I be happy with?”
He leaned in closer and played with my hair like I had seen him do with Kenadie. “You need someone who will argue with you; Jason’s a pushover for Kenz.”
“What if I want a pushover?”
He ran the back of his hand down my cheek. He was dangerously close. “You don’t. You want someone who pushes you.”
“Are you sure?” I inched toward him, not caring he was sick or t
hat I was playing with fire. I ran my fingers through his hair.
His eyes closed under my touch. “Positive.”
“Anything else?”
He opened his eyes and in them I saw desire.
It ran through my whole body. I licked my lips.
“Are you sure you want to do that?”
I was never more sure of anything. I barely remember nodding my head before his lips covered mine. He kissed me. For the briefest second, I think he was stunned that he had. I knew I was. His lips froze on mine, but the spark had been ignited. His hand cupped my neck and his tongue invited my mouth to part. I gladly accepted the invitation. He tasted as good as I thought he would. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I wanted to be as close to him as I could. He seemed to agree. His kiss deepened as he ran his hands over my arms, back, and through my hair. He wasn’t lying when he said he would have me weak in the knees. His kiss owned me, body and soul.
When he was done exploring my mouth, his lips began to lightly brush my neck. My head fell back, immersed in pleasure. I trembled at his touch. His warm breath against my skin had me breathless. I ran my hands up his neck and through the back of his hair. That seemed to fuel his desire; his lips consumed mine again. I clung to him and never wanted to let go. And it was as if he knew that. In an abrupt move, he released me and threw himself back against the couch. His hands took my place running his fingers through his hair.
“Zander?” I ached to be in his arms again. I placed my hand on his cheek.
He took my wrist and refused the touch. His eyes penetrated my own; desire still lingered in his, but it was clouded by confusion. “You want a good man . . . And you deserve one.” He dropped my hand, sat back, and turned away from me.
I guess that was his way of telling me he wasn’t it. But didn’t I already know that?
~*~
I found myself alone on my couch that night. Zander asked me to leave under the guise of him not feeling well. I think he meant it, but not physically. I still couldn’t believe that he had kissed me, and I knew he found it even harder to believe. I had always thought I would tease him about it if ever he was the first to make a move, but there was nothing funny about this situation. A door had opened. A door to a place I never knew existed. I wanted to be part of Zander’s world. The question was, would he invite me in?
I woke up Friday morning with an intense urge to see Zander. I hoped he felt the same way. I knew the honesty and the kiss we shared had made him uneasy, but I had hoped overnight he would realize that he wanted something more, something meaningful. That he would want me.
I had once heard a kiss being explained as centrifugal motion. I now understood what that meant. It felt like I was spinning, reeling from what felt like some of the best minutes of my life. I had never before felt such a way. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel that way. I couldn’t quit thinking about it, about him.
I put my heart on the line and called him as soon as I was ready for the day. I was hoping he felt well enough to shop for a Christmas tree with me. My eventual plan was that we end up at my place decorating it and getting tangled up in the popcorn and cranberry garland we had made together. That sounded all sorts of perfect. His phone rang several times before I got his voicemail. “Good morning. I hope you’re feeling better this morning. Call me when you get this message, I promise it will be worth your while.”
While I waited for him to call, I wrapped the gifts I had purchased for my dad and brothers. I got them each a pair of lined leather work gloves. The lining was a special material made to keep their hands warm. I also got them some fleece-lined shirts and pants. It was practical, but I knew they would appreciate it. For my sister-in-law, I went the impractical route. I knew money was tight, so I wanted to get her something she wouldn’t buy for herself. I bought her a charm bracelet with a heart charm scripted with their wedding date. I also got her a bottle of her favorite perfume. I would bake some of my dad’s favorite cookies—ginger snaps—and add them to the package before I shipped it home.
I was going to miss being home for Christmas, but I found myself looking forward to the season ahead if it meant I was sharing it with Zander.
I waited until noon to hear back from him before I texted him. Are you alive?
That elicited a quick response. Yes.
Do you want company?
It took him several seconds to respond. I already have some.
Oh. Surely that didn’t mean anything. He didn’t let women in his apartment. Or maybe he wasn’t home. Maybe he was hanging out with Jason. Do you want to have dinner tonight?
I’m busy.
Yeah. I got that.
Chapter Eighteen
I got something else, too—his cold. Saturday found me on the couch coughing, sneezing, and on the verge of tears. He hadn’t contacted me, which was unusual. The last couple of weeks we had been in constant contact. I tried to comfort myself with lies like he’s only scared and he’ll come around. And he could be busy doing a hundred different things that didn’t involve another woman. But really, how many things did he ever do that didn’t involve a woman?
On the Edge played in the background. Samantha had gotten smart and found herself a hot Latin boyfriend, making Talon all sorts of jealous. But instead of owning it like a man, he started acting like a jerk. Samantha took it out on him in the boxing ring during their training sessions at work. If only I could take a few swings at Zander in the ring.
I lay there with Jasper staring that the Christmas tree I had picked up at the local nursery the day before. It was strung with the popcorn and cranberry garland. I wanted the man who sat with me on this couch and teased me about making it, but when it came down to it, his strand ended up being longer than mine. I wanted the man who held me when I opened up to him about how I felt about love and sex instead of making fun of me or trying to convince me I was wrong. I wanted the man who made me feel like I was part of him when he kissed me.
Sunday morning came, and that man was nowhere to be found. No calls, no visits. I felt ill in more ways than one, so I skipped church. I called Mrs. Marshall so she wouldn’t worry about me.
“Sounds like I better send Zander over. Or did Thanksgiving go as I planned and he’s already there?”
What did I say to that? I think it had gone as she planned, at least for the day. But she and I should have never underestimated Zander’s need for autonomy.
“I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving.”
“That can’t be.”
“I better go. I’m not feeling all that great.”
“I’m calling Zander.”
“Please don’t.”
“What happened, dear?”
“Something that shouldn’t have.” I hung up and threw the covers back over my head. I stayed in bed all day.
I was dreading work Monday morning. When had I become so dumb? What did I think would happen when I played with fire and a coworker? But on the way in, I decided that we were going to talk. He owed me at least that.
His car was already there when I arrived. Good. I greeted Daphne on my way in and headed for the executive offices to the right where Zander, Kenadie, and Kate all were. I walked past Kate’s empty office on my way to Zander’s. I heard him throwing baskets in the hoop he had on his door. I stepped in front of it at the right moment and intercepted the miniature basketball.
“Nice catch.” He didn’t look all that happy to see me. He dropped into his desk chair.
“How are you feeling?”
“Better.” He set aside a file on his desk.
I shut his door. “We need to talk.”
He looked up and met my eyes. “I know what you’re going to say. I kissed you. Congratulations. Let’s chalk it up to cold medicine and have a good laugh and move on.”
“You think I want to gloat?”
“Don’t you?”
“It didn’t mean anything to you?”
He dropped his gaze, refusing to look at me. “You’re a gr
eat kisser, but not everything is meant to be meaningful.”
I held his ball to my stomach. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. “Kenadie was right about you. You are a butthead.” I chucked the ball at his head. He ducked so I narrowly missed. I turned around and headed out his door, slamming it behind me. I ran into Kenadie on my way back to my office.
She stopped me. “Meg, is everything all right?”
I nodded and walked away. I felt like if I spoke I might cry. I didn’t bother saying hi to Eva or Cara as I walked past their offices. I was done being nice to people who so clearly didn’t care about me or my feelings.
I closed my own office door and leaned against it, taking several deep breaths, begging myself to hold it together. I rubbed my chest. Not only did it hurt from coughing all weekend, but I felt a pang in the middle where Zander left his mark. I knew the odds. It was my own fault. Tears stung my eyes.
I finished up my report about Nicholas Wells before the scheduling meeting and emailed it to Kenadie. I had written it up like a biography with pictures, corresponding dates, professional and personal achievements, relationships, and any other pertinent facts I could find. My conclusion was that he was a womanizer like Zander and they could both go to hell.
I walked into the scheduling meeting to find Cara and Eva hanging on every word Zander was saying. It sounded like he was talking about some fantastic Thai restaurant he had tried over the weekend. I ignored them all and sat down at the opposite end with Will and Andy.
“No treats?” Andy looked around for my basket.
I sank into my seat. “I was sick all weekend, sorry.”
Zander paused and for a second he glanced my way. I paid him no attention.
“I hope you’re feeling better,” Will said.
“I’m on the mend, thanks.”
Kenadie started the meeting. “I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving break. We’re going to be extra busy this week. It might have to cut into some of your personal time.”
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