But no matter what I came up with, they countered and defeated me. I was helpless. I would have to spend the rest of my life in their grasp, doing their will.
I awoke strongly affected, and in a deep, deep depression. I thought to myself, I can never have a psychedelic experience in this state. I shall have to call off my participation in the session. The only way I could participate is if I could re-establish my contact with God, and get back into a good frame of mind.
It was about 4:00 AM, at that point, and I lay back, holding my mind still, inviting God to enter. It took a long time/ but after a while the familiar Presence began to make itself felt.
With great relief, I maintained the contact, and was lifted higher and higher, out of my depression. It became clear to me that I could participate in the planned journey by doing exactly as I was now doing:
keeping my attention completely focused on God, and ignoring the others and what was happening with them.
I arose about 6:30 AM, half an hour earlier than planned, feeling refreshed and clear. I avoided conversation with anybody else, and completed my preparations for the day.
We all convened at 9:00 AM and the feeling tone of the group was excellent. Ginger and I took twenty milligrams of the 2C-T-7, or T-7, as we call it; the others took only fifteen milligrams each, since it was their first time with this material.
About half an hour or so later, we are all feeling it. By one hour, it is getting intense. I sit on the deck, and it feels very good to close my eyes and go inside. I hold still, and it feels as though this contributes to the mounting of the energy. I refrain from thinking/ and the energy grows. This feels like a marvelous procedure, with wonderful, undefined energy swelling inside.
I look at the sky, at its utter blueness, and am filled with wonder.
Charles is off by himself. He has been feeling nauseous, and suddenly throws up. This relieves him somewhat.
Glenn is in a struggle. He reports that he is having to eat his words of the night before. He is torn between what he sees as Charles' way and mine. He had felt, before, that I have been seduced and caught by the beauty of the world, and that this has held me off the true path.
Now, he himself is seeing incredible beauty in nature, and is not so sure any more that it is a distraction.
Ginger comes outside and announces that she has given birth to the universe. The T-7 is a fantastic material for her, and she is feeling marvelous. After giving birth, she says, she dismissed the universe and told it that it was on its own.
This is my very best entry into an experience. I am enjoying myself immensely, being filled with joy and great love. I put on a recording of Gounod's St. Cecelia Mass, and the music soon carries me away. I begin to reach new heights of experience, touched with beauty, love and understanding, and frequently cry deeply. It is ecstatic to release so completely to such exquisite feelings. I feel myself being drawn back in time - far, far back - to the Beginning. I do not see clearly, but I am suddenly aware that the whole thing started in Love. A love so great, so tremendously charged that it was like a huge fiery furnace, brighter than any sun.
Suddenly I am completely pierced, down to the core of my being, by what feels like the penetration of the Finger of God. It seems to be a female source that reaches me and touches.
I am totally undone by this deep touching, and sob uncontrollably for several minutes, crying out all my pain and fears, and feeling sheer ecstasy. As I feel gratitude for the beauty, I am pierced again and again, and continue to sob.
What has happened is a once-in-a-liftime event, a touch of God that is worth dying for. It seems as though it will stand forever and ever. I feel totally changed.
I ask to see this essence in my surroundings, and everything around me immediately lights up with unspeakable beauty and love. I enjoy this for a while, then go to find Ginger. We sit alone together on the deck, and I ask to see the Feminine Presence in her. I then begin to see incredible beauty in Ginger, she is astonishing, and I am overcome with love. It's impossible to describe the satisfaction and fulfillment.
Charles is feeling better, and we all take a walk over to my favorite rock formation. We sit and drink in the surroundings. Ginger shares the way she is perceiving the landscape, and everywhere I feel the wonderful Feminine Presence, and am filled with utter gratitude that it stays with me.
I see clearly that everyone has as much God as he or she wishes. One need only ask. I have never before experienced more profoundly the intimacy of God, how close He is, how close He wishes to be, waiting only for our invitation.
My previous experiences with Shura's compounds are richly confirmed. While there may be other truths, I see very clearly that this is my role, to deeply explore the intimate relation of man and God. Others can and will specialize in other things, but I am so filled, and find this path so ecstatic, that I see no need to consider other paths, at least for as long as I can now foresee. And the Presence I am experiencing continues to burn as a flame within me, for which I am utterly grateful. (Writing this, five days later, I still feel it strongly inside, and hope that it never goes away.)
For the first time, on my rock, I don't feel like talking about what I am feeling, but am content to address myself to fully living it. The afternoon and evening clouds are immensely beautiful, with intricate lacy patterns, and the outstanding lenticulars that often form on the leeward side of the mountains. The closeness and energy among us have grown to powerful proportions, and we are all intensely enjoying the experience.
Charles is feeling better physically than when he arrived. It will be very interesting to see how this session sits with him. All agree that there is great promise in this substance, 2C-T-7, and that more explorations should be carried out.
For myself, I feel more deeply in touch than ever before with another whole level, which seems to pour much more freely into my life. My previous experiences and the value systems I have developed from them have been abundantly confirmed. I feel much more confident with them, their logical consistency has grown, and I feel much less likely to be swayed by other thought systems.
A fierce sense of independence wells up, and I remember that the basis of Gnosticism is each individual's right, if not duty, to develop his own unique path to the realization of God. And to develop his own unique talents. I look at my activities and am pleased with what I am doing.
I feel I can abandon that self-judgment which automatically assumes that I am wrong and the other person is right, and which produces a sinking feeling that blanks out clear thinking and evaluation. I am overjoyed with this deepening of contact, and will keep it as alive as possible.
I have been in a remarkable place since that day. There was a relapse the second day after the T-7, and I felt tired again, but it is my view that, following a profound experience, there are many by-products released in the body which were correlates of the psychic armor and take a few days to dissipate. In fact, I have often found a welling up of deep Shadow material a few days after a good, positive experiment.
For the couple of days following that, I was most pleased with my state of being, with the clarity, ability to think clearly, and the high energy.
Today, five days after the session, I am in such a different state than I have been following previous experiences that I want to document some of the changes I am aware of: 1. My psyche feels clearer and freer than ever before, lam much more able to concentrate on the task at hand, and enter it wholeheartedly. I am enjoying household chores as I never could before, because I usually had a sense of being driven by time, and the need to be doing something more important. I am very aware of how the degree of intention mobilizes the energy to complete the task.
2. My body feels clearer and more free, too. Much of the stiffness has gone, and the occasional arthritic sensations have diminished. Walking outdoors is extremely enjoyable.
3. My impotence has disappeared. This had grown to quite a factor, and I later realized that loss of sexual ability was a source of so
me of my very deep anger. I wasn't sure whether the cause was old age, the result of my prostate surgery several months ago, or dissatisfaction with my partner. This T-7 experience has resolved the situation. I have dropped my concerns about aging, and the flow of love between Ginger and me has never been better.
4. I feel in a more elevated state, the way I feel during the good part (usually the descent) of a psychedelic experiment. This is a real shift in consciousness. It feels almost as though I am carrying my head higher, above the concerns that used to distract me, and in contact with higher energies. Occasionally, an unexpected euphoria sweeps over me, a most wonderful feeling. Sometimes I remember pleasant things from childhood which I had completely forgotten. In time, I will work out the connection between a current event, or thought, and the sweep of good feeling, but right now the connection escapes me, and it doesn't matter.
5. My energy is being sustained at a much higher continuous level than ever before. I love it.
6. I am amazed at how quickly I can change my feeling state. Sometimes, especially when first arising in the morning, the old feelings of tiredness and sludginess come over me. I used to think these were heavy burdens that would take a great deal of time to work out of. Now I know that they are only feelings, and that by simply changing the focus of my attention, I can drop them and move into my new state. Hallelujah!
7. When I take the time to be still, I quickly move into a transcendental space of great beauty and realization. I could amuse myself for hours at a time, if I simply wished to sit and look at my surroundings with an open heart. However, I don't intend to over-indulge. There are things I have to accomplish.
Thank you, Shura, for these materials, and for the privilege of working and growing with them.
Ginger had written a separate note. It read:
Had a great time with our delightful guests. This was one of the most pleasant, joyful, high experiences of my life. Visually tremendous - colors, shapes/ smells heightened. At one time, around 3 or 4 hours into it, we all walked to the rocks and zoom-zowie, there it was! The most phenomenal, radiant scene I've ever looked at. The ground was alive with energy, the trees thrust out of the ground with life-force that was visible. The cattle were grazing over yonder on our neighbor's ranch, and it was a picture of true peace - totally pastoral - just exquisite.
Charles couldn't believe it was real, and Glenn was amazed at it, too. Our eyes were able to see this new dimension of the universe because they were wide open. I was aware of the great love that permeates the planet - at least as we, or I, see it. From here, it looks wonderful!
I feel blessed, feel such a grace has been bestowed upon me. Gratitude continues.
Am still in a peaceful state after five days. All I have to do to remind myself is look out the window and see the glory.
Love to you both, and thank you - Ginger.
I asked Dante, after reading his letter and Ginger's note, what changes - if any - he had observed in Charles and Glenn, as a result of their 2C-T-7 experience. He replied that he is looking forward to another visit from each of them, on separate weekends, during the next couple of months, and will let me know what he finds out.
CHAPTER 40. MORTALITY
(Shura's voice)
I have already briefly described the Owl Club, a collection of many different sorts of gentlemen who meet once a week in downtown San Francisco at what is called the City Club. For over a hundred years, the Owlers have had an annual encampment in a large, privately owned forest, several hours' drive from the Bay Area. This takes place each sun-inter and lasts for two full weeks.
When someone asks me just what one does in the encampment that justifies spending such a length of time, I can honestly tell them that a person may do as much or as little as he wishes.
He may interact and socialize. He may retreat and meditate. Many members come only on the weekends when there is a great deal of planned activity, ranging from concerts and stage plays to interminable cocktail parties and gourmet dining. Others spend the during-the-week time there, appreciating the fact that they can be free from exactly such planned activity.
For me, this time of luxurious self-indulgence has become an effective period of rejuvenation in the middle of a frantic year of getting and spending. I have never lacked for activities that make demands on my time, but almost all of them can be classified as "have-to's." However, with this annual retreat to the forest, I can select from a menu of Schubert quartets, Rex Stout mysteries, and miles of back-country hiking. Technically, rejuvenation means to make young again, but a reversal of the living process is not in the cards and I am content to accept a simple undoing process, where I might be able to repair some of the wear and tear that has accumulated during the rest of the year. Just holding even is all I ever ask for.
There is an interesting concept tucked away in that phrase, "just holding even." Each of us knows his biological age - he was born m such-and-such a year, thus he is exactly so many years old. But that is not our age according to our own self-image. Ask someone how old he is, and you get the biological age. Then ask him how old he sees himself to be, as defined by his life-style, his activities, his opinions. You will almost always get a candid answer. It may be five years younger; it could be twenty years younger.
Another thing that goes along with the "self-image age" is the observation that it does not change with time. With each birthday, the body is biologically one year older, but the self-image remains the same. If you see yourself as twenty-eight when you are thirty-five, you will probably still see yourself as twenty-eight when you are forty.
Each of us has suffered the parental put-down, usually in the form of spoken words, although it might be nothing more than a look of disapproval, "Why don't you act your age?" This has probably never changed anyone's behavior, but it is said in an effort to move the child's self-image into consistency with his biological real-world. "You're a grownup boy now," or, "Can't you be a bit more mature?" Such rebukes always demand a change of behavior in the direction of greater age. I have rarely been urged to, "Act like a kid, again," or told, "Why don't you just let yourself be a little less responsible!"
I am, of course, fully aware, intellectually, that I am in my sixties. But I have always acted out of an internal, unspoken certainty that 1 was really in my late forties. Maybe 46, maybe 48. I look out at the world with eyes that cannot see themselves, and thus cannot see me. Both the eyes that are doing the seeing and the world that is being seen are strangely programmed to respond to me as they did at some earlier time. Catching a reflection of myself in a store window, I note the immediate denial that the person being reflected is really me. I'm not really that old, wrinkled, gray person with the protruding belly. Yes, of course I know it's myself I see in the mirror, but when you get to know me as well as I know me, I'm not really the way I appear.
The many miles of trails in the Owl Club forest preserve have always provided me with a unique opportunity. The privacy and safety of walking in the back woods offer perfect conditions for exploring a psychedelic drug. I have occasionally taken long walks with this or that friend who has chosen to set aside a few hours for talking and exchanging ideas, with the aid of a magic elixir. Sometimes, the purpose of the experience has been the resolving of a problem, an effort to change perspective and thus, it is hoped, to get unstuck; sometimes, it has been a simple matter of opening and deepening communication.
A couple of years ago, a good friend and occasional fellow traveler, Luke, expressed a desire to walk and talk. Well, I thought, this may be an excellent time for him to bring up some aspects of a medical problem that I knew had been bothering him. He had recently undergone elbow surgery which had been botched by haste and carelessness, and had refused to entertain the possibility of legal redress. Further, he had been dragging his feet in even getting help for the resulting disability. I suggested 15 milligrams of 2C-E, and, being familiar with the material, he agreed, saying he thought that would be an excellent level.
The next morning we skipped breakfast, except for coffee, and at ten o'clock, we took the chemical.
The walk along the valley floor was quiet and peaceful. There were sounds of music from various camps, as we passed; a Rachmaninoff etude from the right, then - a bit further along -
a small Dixieland group on the left. There was the ever-present clicking of domino tiles, interspersed with an occasional burst of tipsy laughter (some leaders of the nation start relaxing quite early in the day). In a few minutes, we were at one of the trail heads; we left the merriment behind us and headed for the quiet of the outback.
I found the walking progressively more difficult as we ascended the first steep climb out of the valley. The effects of the 2C-E were unmistakably coming on for both of us, but - despite being well rested and in good physical shape - I found myself breathing heavily. In another hour, we were walking along one of the deserted fire-trails at over a thousand feet, and were probably a full two miles from the populated valley floor. The drug was in full bloom now, at the end of the second hour, and for me, things were getting increasingly grim and morbid. The hiking was becoming harder and harder, with each step having to be calculated before execution. Finally, I said to Luke, "I need to sit down and go inwards for a while."
My hiking companion was holding forth about the unbelievable colors of the trees, mosses, clouds and sky, grasses, everything. There was a continuous palate of greens and blues and browns that co-existed side by side, he observed, without ever quite blending into one another. He talked about what he called, "living toothpicks," trees around sixty to eighty feet tall that have been dedicated to the giving of young limbs for spreading on the ground around campfires. Some bear a greenish fuzz like caterpillar-fur, a few feet in diameter, made up of hundreds of fine branchlets which have grown straight out from the main trunk. Others stand as bare poles, having been recently harvested by a stripping of all this new growth from top to bottom. In a couple of years they will have grown a new crop of fur. A strange blend of mutilation and conservation.
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