Nothing.
Stone-fucking-wall.
“I bet Beck could’ve made you laugh. You probably would’ve liked him.” I slanted my head to the side but didn’t break eye contact. “Although, he looked scarier than I do, if you can believe it.”
Nothing.
“As big as me, but he wasn’t nearly as pretty.” I almost winked, but I stopped before I could and let out a low whistle. “Oh, you almost got me there. Anyway, there wasn’t a part of the guy that wasn’t covered in tattoos, except his head. And he had this beard that—” My fingers scuffed over my jaw.
Curled into my beard.
Beck had kept his meticulously wild and untamed. Part of the Beck charm.
Whereas mine had always been neatly trimmed.
I’d stopped taking care of it after he was murdered.
I didn’t know when mine crossed over the line of being more like Beck’s than my own.
Something tugged and clawed at my chest, but I choked it back.
I forced out something that sounded like a laugh. “But he was funny. The funniest and most loyal guy anyone ever knew.”
Nothing, but at least she was no longer glaring.
I blinked and sat back. “You won, kid. Guess I’m buying.”
She won every day.
Wouldn’t have mattered. The room was under fake names and a card linked back to one of my accounts that had nothing to do with ARCK, so I would’ve paid anyway. But it was the only time Lexi spent any real time near me.
“Who?”
My head snapped up at Sutton’s voice.
I tried not to, but I couldn’t stop the way my eyes raked over her body as she walked across the living room to the couch.
Barely there shorts and a threadbare cotton shirt that looked expensive as fuck and like it was made that way. The satin robe she was slipping on would do nothing to hide it, because she always left it open.
She’d worn something similar every damn morning.
And it’d gotten harder and harder not to watch her.
Not to sneak glances.
I was on the verge of calling my team and telling them I was done. That someone needed to relieve me and give me a different job on this case because I no longer had a clear head—could no longer think straight.
“What?”
Sutton’s lips curled into a brief smile. “Who were you talking about? To Lexi,” she clarified when I only stared at her. “Were you trying to sell her on you?”
“Oh, no. No, it was Beck. My older brother.”
Her brows slowly lifted as she lowered herself to the couch. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”
“Keyword being had.”
“Oh.” Unease and sorrow flashed across her face. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.” I forced a smile when Lexi dropped the room service menu next to me. Handing it back to her, I said, “Why don’t you order today?
She just stared at me as if I’d said the dumbest thing in the world and then went to sit next to Sutton.
Jesus Christ.
“I’ve got it,” Sutton murmured. “Did you want anything in particular?”
I shook my head as I pushed from the couch. “Food is food.”
I went to the second, smaller room that belonged to me, not that I had actually slept in it since I needed to be close to the girls if anything happened, and rushed through my shower so I could get back to them.
So I would know they were safe.
But as I was wrapping the towel around my waist, I looked at myself in the mirror and paused, not knowing when the last time was that I’d done that.
My hair wasn’t long, but it was longer than I normally wore it.
My beard was definitely closing in on Beck territory.
And it fucking hurt because I looked just like him. Seeing even a glimpse of Beck made me remember everything.
All the good and the bad and the really fucking bad and the best I thought our life could ever get before it all went to hell.
A life away from the mob was what he’d wanted. A normal life.
I wondered if he’d be happy with the company Kieran and I had built.
I wondered if he’d be happy with this life or if he’d be itching for something else, something even further from the mob.
I wondered if he’d be proud. Because, fuck, that was all I’d ever wanted, to make him proud.
I slapped at the wall, shutting off the light, and went into the room to dress, all the while listening to the muted voices in the other room.
Sutton hadn’t said a word for an entire day after she’d read the notes on Veronica and the Tennessee Gentlemen. I’d been worried that I’d made a mistake and that the small, hostile, dialogue we’d had would vanish completely or that Lexi’s suspicion of me would grow because of it.
Neither had happened.
Lexi? I’d crack her one day.
And Sutton had started talking again yesterday, just little conversations here and there. Never touching on Veronica or the Tennessee Gentlemen, only staying superficial, and I hadn’t pushed it because I knew she would open up when she was ready.
I could see it in the way she looked at me and the small smiles she gave and how she seemed more at ease around me.
She was getting comfortable with me. The trust would come.
I finished shrugging into my shirt and snatched up the gift for Lexi as I left the room.
As soon as I opened the door, Lexi fell silent.
I’d stopped taking offense to it on the first day. Right about the time Sutton told me I wasn’t allowed to call her by her real name again.
“Hey, Lexi,” I called out as I rounded the corner into the living room. “Some friends of mine stopped by last night, and they brought something for you.”
I dropped down in front of her and bit back a smile at the pure suspicion in her eyes.
“My friends and I all had pretty interesting childhoods. Most of them weren’t normal, like running around and playing with friends whenever we wanted. And my friend wanted to remind me that as hard as it is for adults to be stuck in hotel rooms, it’s harder for a kid. So, she brought this for you.” I handed her the tablet already loaded with a ton of games.
“Oh,” Sutton said, uneasily. “Uh, wow. Lex, thank Conor and then take that into the bedroom, okay?”
I lifted a hand, knowing Lexi probably wouldn’t attempt to thank me anyway. “It wasn’t from me.”
“Then take it into the bedroom.”
I looked to Sutton, wondering at the bite in her tone as Lexi passed me.
As soon as Lexi disappeared into the other room, Sutton was off the couch and whirling on me. “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”
I had no fucking clue.
I just stood there because I didn’t know how to respond.
“You don’t just give a kid a tablet, Conor, especially a kid who isn’t yours and who you’ve only known a few days.”
A laugh left me. Dark, edgy, uncomfortable, and embarrassed. “Uh—”
“And if you do, you ask the parent first. You don’t just give it to the kid.”
“Right. Got it. I, uh. Shit.” I ran a hand through my hair and shrugged as I tried to figure out what to say. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“How do you not realize? That’s common sense.”
I swallowed back the immediate reaction, the one that would hint at my life, and said, “The only kids I’ve been around since I was one are currently babies. So, no, it isn’t.” I gestured to the closed door. “I am sorry. Jess thought Lexi might want it. She loaded it with educational games and—”
“Are you kidding?” Shock covered Sutton’s face. Her hands lifted in the air before falling, as though she didn’t know what else to do with me. She turned and took a couple of steps away before storming in my direction. “You brought a whore here when my daughter and I were in the other room? She bought my daughter a present?”
I ground my jaw to keep from la
shing out.
If Sutton only knew how right she was.
If she only knew that Jess was a better woman than Sutton ever would be.
“Jess,” I said through gritted teeth, “Jessica is Kieran’s wife. The three of us founded ARCK. They came here last night to give me an update. And, yes, she thought she was being helpful by buying the six-year-old who’s been cooped up in motels and hotels for over two months a tablet. She even had Einstein help her lock it so no one could trace it and so Lexi can’t accidentally enable anything so that it can be traced.”
I waved a hand at where Sutton stood, her cheeks burning red with anger.
“Who the fuck are you to talk to people the way you do? To judge them. To assume what you do.” I took a step closer and lowered my voice. “You honestly think that I’d have anyone, especially a whore, up here when I’m working a job? When that job is to protect two lives.” I held up a hand when her lips parted. “Don’t answer. Because I know what you’ll say, and I already know the truth.” I slowly walked backward toward the kitchen. “But you made your point. Don’t give gifts without consulting parents first. Noted.”
I left her there, staring at me with a horrified look.
Dropping into one of the chairs at the kitchen table, I placed my elbows on the cool surface and raked my hands through my hair until I was sure I was calm.
Calm . . .
I’d always been the calm one.
I’d been the one who went with the flow.
Life turned upside down? Roll with it.
Pulled into mob? Roll with it.
Brother murdered in front of me? Fucking roll with it.
It was what I did; it was how I survived.
Until this job.
And the fucked-up thing? Even though Sutton sure as hell was pushing, I wasn’t even sure she was the one pushing me over the edge. But she was there, so she was getting the full brunt of my frustration.
If I were being honest with myself, it was this life.
It was losing people again and again.
It was not knowing if I’d ever see them again when they walked away from me.
Nearly losing Einstein had been a tipping point I hadn’t seen coming.
“My mother.”
My hands dropped to the table, and I lifted my head to look at Sutton.
She was standing opposite me, wringing her hands together and worrying her bottom lip.
“What?”
“You asked who I am—I’m my mother.” She easily fell into one of the chairs, her attention on the windows as she spoke. “My mother is the most judgmental and rudest woman I’ve ever met. I’m embarrassed when she opens her mouth, horrified by some of the things she says, and growing up, I vowed to never be her.”
“I—fuck,” I said on a ragged breath.
“Don’t try to take it back, I know it’s what you think.” She winked as her lips curled into a smile, but they quickly fell. “It’s also true. And to think, I used to pride myself in being her greatest disappointment.”
“That can’t be true.”
A startled laugh escaped her mouth. When she spoke, her tone was light and held a hint of a tease. “I don’t know if I should be offended by that.”
It took me a second to realize what she would be offended by—how my words could’ve been taken. “No, that—shit, I didn’t mean it in that way. I meant you’re her daughter. You can’t be a disappointment to her.”
“Oh, but I am.” A mixture of old pains and defiance filled her eyes. “She never missed an opportunity to let me know that I fell short of the perfection she expected—even at my wedding.”
Something about my expression made her smile.
“It’s just how she is. She’s all about appearance and status and being better, or having more, than every person in the room with her. She planned my entire life out so I would succeed, which would make her look good. Her goal was for me to end up on a path that continued the cycle. And it killed her that I was always straying from it—that I wanted to at all.”
I tried to imagine Sutton living anything other than the life I knew her to have, and I couldn’t. For how obviously it horrified her that she played the part her mom wanted her to, she played it damn well.
“What did you want?”
Longing crept across her features before she could force it away. Her cheeks stained pink as she forced out a flippant breath. “It was nothing—really. Just a way to rebel against my mother’s perfect world of debutante balls and pageants.”
Bullshit.
Sutton had to be the worst liar I’d ever come across.
I drummed my fingers on the table and gave a shrug like it didn’t matter to me either way. “I don’t know what a debutante ball is, but I know a little something about rebellions.” The corner of my mouth pulled into a smirk at the inside joke Sutton would never understand. “Why don’t you tell me about it.”
She took a deep breath, as if she was about to, only to exhale just as quickly and curl in on herself. “It’s stupid. You’d laugh.”
“You don’t know that.”
She gave me a doubtful look. “Zachary did when I told him,” she whispered, full of resentment and shame. “Laughed and walked away, and that was the end of the discussion.”
“Yeah, I’m not him,” I said in a low tone. “Try me.”
Hesitation warred on her face before she finally said, “I wanted to do hair.” She sat, maybe waiting for me to react a certain way, and when I didn’t, she shrugged. “I didn’t have dreams of being a singer or an actress like my friends did, or even becoming the first female president. I just wanted to do hair.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Her brows lifted in amusement. “I don’t think my mother realized it was something I loved. When I graduated high school and told my parents that I wanted to go to cosmetology school, they didn’t even acknowledge that I’d said anything. Didn’t even bother laughing,” she said sadly. “Just went back to eating dinner.”
My parents had died when I was young, but I was sure they would have pushed Beck and me into doing whatever we wanted to.
Well . . . maybe not joining the mob.
“So what’d you do?” I asked when she didn’t continue.
“I continued on my mother’s path.” Her eyes flicked up to meet mine. “I had been set to go to their alma mater since before I even cared about college. I was supposed to join the sorority my mother had been in and major in whatever they chose. I didn’t care. And I did go. I even rushed . . .”
I felt my mouth pulling into a smile in response to the one on her face.
“But I took the allowance my parents were giving me and went to cosmetology school part time. During the summer, I switched to full time and even took a course at the college so I could give my parents a reason for not coming home. But then they came for family weekend my sophomore year and had lunch with the dean, who’s a friend of theirs.”
She lifted her slender shoulders in a shrug, and for the first time, it didn’t seem like she was brushing off something huge. It looked like she was defeated.
“He told them that I was in danger of failing most of my classes. Probably had something to do with the fact that I never switched back to part time when summer ended. And that my heart was clearly in one school and not the other.
“When my parents confronted me, I simply said, ‘I told you that I wanted to go to cosmetology school.’ They were so mad and humiliated that they pulled me from both and took me home that day—sent for my things later. That drive home was when my father told me that, since I had decided college wasn’t important, then it was time to continue with the next step in my life. He told me that both Garret Vaughn and Zachary Larson had been showing interest in me and I had to choose one.”
“That’s when you started dating them?”
She nodded. “The morning of my first date with Garret, I grabbed the scissors from the kitchen, cut my hair off, and then went into the dining room wher
e my parents were eating and dropped it on the table. My mother actually screamed as though I’d dropped a dead animal in front of her. She was furious. She asked how I was supposed to convince either of the boys to marry me looking like a used-up junkie.”
I couldn’t stop the laugh that slipped out. Partly at her mom’s reaction and partly in pride of Sutton’s actions.
“To be fair, it was pretty awful since I’d just grabbed the length of my hair and started cutting. I had to get it fixed that afternoon.”
“You should’ve left it.”
A bright smile covered her face. “I did, in a way.” One of her hands lifted to play with the ends of her hair where it almost brushed her shoulders. “My hair had always been so long, so I’ve left it this short ever since as a reminder of what they took from me. Plus, my mother hates it this length.”
“I don’t.” The confession was out before I could begin to filter myself, and I cleared my throat. “I never said you were your mom, by the way.”
“No. No, you didn’t. But I think I am, and it terrifies me as much as it angers me to know that.” She dropped her head into one of her hands and released a sigh. “Funny, how you think of yourself when you’re in one setting surrounded by certain people . . . and then how you really see yourself when you’re removed from it.”
“What, and put with the likes of me?” It was a playful taunt, and her eyes brightened and smiled even though her expression never changed.
After a couple of minutes, she finally said, “With someone normal.” Her hand fell to the table, and she leaned across as she lowered her voice. “I would be embarrassed if someone like you were to ever come around one of my parents’ parties or one of mine.”
My head jerked back. A huff punched from my chest. “Wow. All right then.”
“Not embarrassed that you were there,” she hurried to say. “Embarrassed of what you would see. What you would hear. What people might say about you just because you don’t come from what they see as proper bloodlines. I’d be horrified by them.”
Sutton’s eyes took on a faraway look. She swallowed slowly, the delicate movement wholly capturing my attention.
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