THE THIRD STORY
[Day the Eighth]
CALANDRINO, BRUNO AND BUFFALMACCO GO COASTING ALONG THE MUGNONE IN SEARCH OF THE HELIOTROPE AND CALANDRINO THINKETH TO HAVE FOUND IT. ACCORDINGLY HE RETURNETH HOME, LADEN WITH STONES, AND HIS WIFE CHIDETH HIM; WHEREUPON, FLYING OUT INTO A RAGE, HE BEATETH HER AND RECOUNTETH TO HIS COMPANIONS THAT WHICH THEY KNOW BETTER THAN HE
Pamfilo having made an end of his story, at which the ladies hadlaughed so much that they laugh yet, the queen bade Elisa follow on,who, still laughing, began, "I know not, charming ladies, if with alittle story of mine, no less true than pleasant, I shall succeed inmaking you laugh as much as Pamfilo hath done with his; but I will domy endeavor thereof.
In our city, then, which hath ever abounded in various fashions andstrange folk, there was once, no great while since, a painter calledCalandrino, a simple-witted man and of strange usances. He companiedmost of his time with other two painters, called the one Bruno and theother Buffalmacco, both very merry men, but otherwise well-advised andshrewd, who consorted with Calandrino for that they ofttimes had greatdiversion of his fashions and his simplicity. There was then also inFlorence a young man of a mighty pleasant humor and marvellouslyadroit in all he had a mind to do, astute and plausible, who wascalled Maso del Saggio, and who, hearing certain traits ofCalandrino's simplicity, determined to amuse himself at his expenseby putting off some cheat on him or causing him believe some strangething. He chanced one day to come upon him in the church of SanGiovanni and seeing him intent upon the carved work and paintings ofthe pyx, which is upon the altar of the said church and which had thennot long been placed there, he judged the place and time opportune forcarrying his intent into execution. Accordingly, acquainting a friendof his with that which he purposed to do, they both drew near unto theplace where Calandrino sat alone and feigning not to see him, fella-discoursing together of the virtues of divers stones, whereof Masospoke as authoritatively as if he had been a great and famouslapidary.
Calandrino gave ear to their talk and presently, seeing that it was nosecret, he rose to his feet and joined himself to them, to the nosmall satisfaction of Maso, who, pursuing his discourse, was asked byCalandrino where these wonder-working stones were to be found. Masoreplied that the most of them were found in Berlinzone, a city of theBasques, in a country called Bengodi,[371] where the vines are tied upwith sausages and a goose is to be had for a farthing[372] and agosling into the bargain, and that there was a mountain all of gratedParmesan cheese, whereon abode folk who did nothing but make maccaroniand ravioli[373] and cook them in capon-broth, after which they threwthem down thence and whoso got most thereof had most; and that hard byran a rivulet of vernage,[374] the best ever was drunk, without a dropof water therein. 'Marry,' cried Calandrino, 'that were a finecountry; but tell me, what is done with the capons that they boil forbroth?' Quoth Maso, 'The Basques eat them all.' Then said Calandrino,'Wast thou ever there?' 'Was I ever there, quotha!' replied Maso. 'IfI have been there once I have been there a thousand times.' 'And howmany miles is it distant hence?' asked Calandrino; and Maso, 'Howmany? a million or more; you might count them all night and not know.''Then,' said Calandrino, 'it must be farther off than the Abruzzi?''Ay, indeed,' answered Maso; 'it is a trifle farther.'
[Footnote 371: _i.e._ Good cheer.]
[Footnote 372: A play upon the double meaning of _a denajo_, whichsignifies also "for money."]
[Footnote 373: A kind of rissole made of eggs, sweet herbs andcheese.]
[Footnote 374: _Vernaccia_, a kind of rich white wine like Malmsey.]
Calandrino, like a simpleton as he was, hearing Maso tell all thiswith an assured air and without laughing, gave such credence theretoas can be given to whatsoever verity is most manifest and so, holdingit for truth, said, 'That is overfar for my money; though, were itnearer, I tell thee aright I would go thither with thee once upon atime, if but to see the maccaroni come tumbling headlong down and takemy fill thereof. But tell me, God keep thee merry, is there none ofthose wonder-working stones to be found in these parts?' 'Ay isthere,' answered Maso; 'there be two kinds of stones of very greatvirtue found here; the first are the grits of Settignano and Montisci,by virtue whereof, when they are wrought into millstones, flour ismade; wherefore it is said in those parts that grace cometh from Godand millstones from Montisci; but there is such great plenty of thesegrits that they are as little prized with us as emeralds with the folkover yonder, where they have mountains of them bigger than MountMorello, which shine in the middle of the night, I warrant thee. Andthou must know that whoso should cause set fine and perfectmillstones, before they are pierced, in rings and carry them to theSoldan might have for them what he would. The other is what welapidaries call Heliotrope, a stone of exceeding great virtue, forthat whoso hath it about him is not seen of any other person whereashe is not, what while he holdeth it.' Quoth Calandrino, 'These beindeed great virtues; but where is this second stone found?' To whichMaso replied that it was commonly found in the Mugnone. 'What bignessis this stone,' asked Calandrino, 'and what is its colour?' QuothMaso, 'It is of various sizes, some more and some less; but all arewell nigh black of colour.'
Calandrino noted all this in himself and feigning to have otherwhat todo, took leave of Maso, inwardly determined to go seek the stone inquestion, but bethought himself not to do it without the knowledge ofBruno and Buffalmacco, whom he most particularly affected. Accordinglyhe addressed himself to seek for them, so they might, without delayand before any else, set about the search, and spent all the rest ofthe morning seeking them. At last, when it was past none, heremembered him that they were awork in the Ladies' Convent at Faenzaand leaving all his other business, he betook himself thither wellnigh at a run, notwithstanding the great heat. As soon as he saw them,he called them and bespoke them thus: 'Comrades, an you will hearkento me, we may become the richest men in all Florence, for that I havelearned from a man worthy of belief that in the Mugnone is to be founda stone, which whoso carrieth about him is not seen of any; whereforemeseemeth we were best go thither in quest thereof without delay, ereany forestall us. We shall certainly find it, for that I know it well,and when we have gotten it, what have we to do but put it in our pokeand getting us to the moneychangers' tables, which you know standstill laden with groats and florins, take as much as we will thereof?None will see us, and so may we grow rich of a sudden, without havingto smear walls all day long, snail-fashion.'
Bruno and Buffalmacco, hearing this, fell a-laughing in their sleevesand eyeing each other askance, made a show of exceeding wonderment andpraised Calandrino's counsel, but Bruno asked how the stone inquestion was called. Calandrino, who was a clod-pated fellow, hadalready forgotten the name, wherefore quoth he, 'What have we to dowith the name, since we know the virtue of the stone? Meseemeth wewere best go about the quest without more ado.' 'Well, then,' saidBruno, 'how is it fashioned?' 'It is of all fashions,' repliedCalandrino; 'but all are well nigh black; wherefore meseemeth thatwhat we have to do is to gather up all the black stones we see, tillwe happen upon the right. So let us lose no time, but get us gone.'Quoth Bruno, 'Wait awhile,' and turning to his comrade, said,'Methinketh Calandrino saith well; but meseemeth this is no seasonfor the search, for that the sun is high and shineth full upon theMugnone, where it hath dried all the stones, so that certain of thosethat be there appear presently white, which of a morning, ere the sunhave dried them, show black; more by token that, to-day being aworking day, there be many folk, on one occasion or another abroadalong the banks, who, seeing us, may guess what we are about and maybedo likewise, whereby the stone may come to their hands and we shallhave lost the trot for the amble. Meseemeth (an you be of the same wayof thinking) that this is a business to be undertaken of a morning,whenas the black may be the better known from the white, and of aholiday, when there will be none there to see us.'
Buffalmacco commended Bruno's counsel and Calandrino fell intherewith; wherefore they agreed to go seek for the stone all three onthe follo
wing Sunday morning, and Calandrino besought them over allelse not to say a word of the matter to any one alive, for that it hadbeen imparted to him in confidence, and after told them that which hehad heard tell of the land of Bengodi, affirming with an oath that itwas as he said. As soon as he had taken his leave, the two othersagreed with each other what they should do in the matter andCalandrino impatiently awaited the Sunday morning, which being come,he arose at break of day and called his friends, with whom he salliedforth of the city by the San Gallo gate and descending into the bed ofthe Mugnone, began to go searching down stream for the stone.Calandrino, as the eagerest of the three, went on before, skippingnimbly hither and thither, and whenever he espied any black stone, hepounced upon it and picking it up, thrust it into his bosom. Hiscomrades followed after him picking up now one stone and now another;but Calandrino had not gone far before he had his bosom full ofstones; wherefore, gathering up the skirts of his grown, which was notcut Flanders fashion,[375] he tucked them well into his surcingle allround and made an ample lap thereof. However, it was no great whileere he had filled it, and making a lap on like wise of his mantle,soon filled this also with stones. Presently, the two others seeingthat he had gotten his load and that dinner-time drew nigh, quothBruno to Buffalmacco, in accordance with the plan concerted betweenthem, 'Where is Calandrino?' Buffalmacco, who saw him hard by, turnedabout and looking now here and now there, answered, 'I know not; buthe was before us but now.' 'But now, quotha!' cried Bruno. 'I warrantyou he is presently at home at dinner and hath left us to play thefool here, seeking black stones down the Mugnone.' 'Egad,' rejoinedBuffalmacco 'he hath done well to make mock of us and leave us here,since we were fools enough to credit him. Marry, who but we had beensimple enough to believe that a stone of such virtue was to be foundin the Mugnone?'
[Footnote 375: _i.e._ not strait-cut.]
Calandrino, hearing this, concluded that the heliotrope had falleninto his hands and that by virtue thereof they saw him not, albeit hewas present with them, and rejoiced beyond measure at such a piece ofgood luck, answered them not a word, but determined to return;wherefore, turning back, he set off homeward. Buffalmacco, seeingthis, said to Bruno, 'What shall we do? Why do we not get us gone?'Whereto Bruno answered, 'Let us begone; but I vow to God thatCalandrino shall never again serve me thus, and were I presently nearhim as I have been all the morning, I would give him such a clout onthe shins with this stone that he should have cause to remember thistrick for maybe a month to come.' To say this and to let fly atCalandrino's shins with the stone were one and the same thing; and thelatter, feeling the pain, lifted up his leg and began to puff andblow, but yet held his peace and fared on. Presently Buffalmacco tookone of the flints he had picked up and said to Bruno, 'Look at thisfine flint; here should go for Calandrino's loins!' So saying, he letfly and dealt him a sore rap in the small of the back with the stone.Brief, on this wise, now with one word and now with another, they wentpelting him up the Mugnone till they came to the San Gallo gate, wherethey threw down the stones they had gathered and halted awhile at thecustom house.
The officers, forewarned by them, feigned not to see Calandrino andlet him pass, laughing heartily at the jest, whilst he, withoutstopping, made straight for his house, which was near the Canto allaMacina, and fortune so far favoured the cheat that none accosted him,as he came up the stream and after through the city, as, indeed, hemet with few, for that well nigh every one was at dinner. Accordingly,he reached his house, thus laden, and as chance would have it, hiswife, a fair and virtuous lady, by name Mistress Tessa, was at thestairhead. Seeing him come and somewhat provoked at his longtarriance, she began to rail at him, saying, 'Devil take the man! Wiltthou never think to come home betimes? All the folk have already dinedwhenas thou comest back to dinner.' Calandrino, hearing this andfinding that he was seen, was overwhelmed with chagrin and vexationand cried out, 'Alack, wicked woman that thou art, wast thou there?Thou hast undone me; but, by God His faith, I will pay thee therefor!'Therewithal he ran up to a little saloon he had and there disburdenedhimself of the mass of stones he had brought home; then, running in afury at his wife, he laid hold of her by the hair and throwing herdown at his feet, cuffed and kicked her in every part as long as hecould wag his arms and legs, without leaving a hair on her head or abone in her body that was not beaten to a mash, nor did it avail heraught to cry him mercy with clasped hands.
Meanwhile Bruno and Buffalmacco, after laughing awhile with thekeepers of the gate, proceeded with slow step to follow Calandrinoafar off and presently coming to the door of his house, heard thecruel beating he was in act to give his wife; whereupon, making a showof having but then come back, they called Calandrino, who came to thewindow, all asweat and red with anger and vexation, and prayed themcome up to him. Accordingly, they went up, making believe to besomewhat vexed, and seeing the room full of stones and the lady, alltorn and dishevelled and black and blue in the face for bruises,weeping piteously in one corner of the room, whilst Calandrino sat inanother, untrussed and panting like one forspent, eyed them awhile,then said, 'What is this, Calandrino? Art thou for building, that wesee all these stones here? And Mistress Tessa, what aileth her? Itseemeth thou hast beaten her. What is all this ado?' Calandrino,outwearied with the weight of the stones and the fury with which hehad beaten his wife, no less than with chagrin for the luck whichhimseemed he had lost, could not muster breath to give them aught butbroken words in reply; wherefore, as he delayed to answer, Buffalmaccowent on, 'Harkye, Calandrino, whatever other cause for anger thoumightest have had, thou shouldst not have fooled us as thou hast done,in that, after thou hadst carried us off to seek with thee for thewonder-working stone, thou leftest us in the Mugnone, like a couple ofgulls, and madest off home, without saying so much as God be with youor devil; the which we take exceeding ill; but assuredly this shall bethe last trick thou shalt ever play us.'
Therewithal, Calandrino enforcing himself,[376] answered, 'Comrades,be not angered; the case standeth otherwise than as you deem. I(unlucky wretch that I am!) had found the stone in question, and youshall hear if I tell truth. When first you questioned one another ofme, I was less than half a score yards distant from you; but, seeingthat you made off and saw me not, I went on before you and came backhither, still keeping a little in front of you.' Then, beginning fromthe beginning, he recounted to them all that they had said and done,first and last, and showed them how the stones had served his back andshins; after which, 'And I may tell you,' continued he, 'that, whenasI entered in at the gate, with all these stones about me which you seehere, there was nothing said to me, albeit you know how vexatious andtiresome these gatekeepers use to be in wanting to see everything;more by token that I met by the way several of my friends and gossips,who are still wont to accost me and invite me to drink; but none ofthem said a word to me, no, nor half a word, as those who saw me not.At last, being come home hither, this accursed devil of a womanpresented herself before me, for that, as you know, women causeeverything lose its virtue, wherefore I, who might else have calledmyself the luckiest man in Florence, am become the most unlucky. Forthis I have beaten her as long as I could wag my fists and I know notwhat hindereth me from slitting her weasand, accursed be the hour whenfirst I saw her and when she came to me in this house.' Then, flamingout into fresh anger, he offered to rise and beat her anew.
[Footnote 376: _Sforzandosi_, _i.e._ recovering his wind with aneffort.]
Bruno and Buffalmacco, hearing all this, made believe to marvelexceedingly and often confirmed that which Calandrino said, albeitthey had the while so great a mind to laugh that they were like toburst; but, seeing him start up in a rage to beat his wife again, theyrose upon him and withheld him, avouching that the lady was nowise atfault, but that he had only himself to blame for that which hadhappened, since he knew that women caused things to lose their virtueand had not bidden her beware of appearing before him that day, andthat God had bereft him of foresight to provide against this, eitherfor that the adventure was not to be his or becaus
e he had had it inmind to cozen his comrades, to whom he should have discovered thematter, as soon as he perceived that he had found the stone. Brief,after many words, they made peace, not without much ado, between himand the woebegone lady and went their ways, leaving him disconsolate,with the house full of stones."
The Decameron of Giovanni Boccaccio Page 83