THE THIRD STORY
[Day the Ninth]
MASTER SIMONE, AT THE INSTANCE OF BRUNO AND BUFFALMACCO AND NELLO, MAKETH CALANDRINO BELIEVE THAT HE IS WITH CHILD; WHEREFORE HE GIVETH THEM CAPONS AND MONEY FOR MEDICINES AND RECOVERETH WITHOUT BRINGING FORTH
After Elisa had finished her story and all the ladies had returnedthanks to God, who had with a happy issue delivered the young nun fromthe claws of her envious companions, the queen bade Filostrato followon, and he, without awaiting further commandment, began, "Fairestladies, the unmannerly lout of a Marchegan judge, of whom I told youyesterday, took out of my mouth a story of Calandrino and hiscompanions, which I was about to relate; and for that, albeit it hathbeen much discoursed of him and them, aught that is told of him cannotdo otherwise than add to our merriment, I will e'en tell you thatwhich I had then in mind.
It hath already been clearly enough shown who Calandrino was and whowere the others of whom I am to speak in this story, wherefore,without further preface, I shall tell you that an aunt of his chancedto die and left him two hundred crowns in small coin; whereupon hefell a-talking of wishing to buy an estate and entered into treatywith all the brokers in Florence, as if he had ten thousand goldflorins to expend; but the matter still fell through, when they cameto the price of the estate in question. Bruno and Buffalmacco, knowingall this, had told him once and again that he were better spend themoney in making merry together with them than go buy land, as if hehad had to make pellets;[426] but, far from this, they had never evenavailed to bring him to give them once to eat. One day, as they werecomplaining of this, there came up a comrade of theirs, a painter byname Nello, and they all three took counsel together how they mightfind a means of greasing their gullets at Calandrino's expense;wherefore, without more delay, having agreed among themselves of thatwhich was to do, they watched next morning for his coming forth of hishouse, nor had he gone far when Nello accosted him, saying, 'Good-day,Calandrino.' Calandrino answered God give him good day and good year,and Nello, halting awhile, fell to looking him in the face; whereuponCalandrino asked him, 'At what lookest thou?' Quoth the painter, 'Hathaught ailed thee this night? Meseemeth thou are not thyself thismorning.' Calandrino incontinent began to quake and said, 'Alack, howso? What deemest thou aileth me?' 'Egad,' answered Nello, 'as for thatI can't say; but thou seemest to me all changed; belike it isnothing.' So saying, he let him pass, and Calandrino fared on, allmisdoubtful, albeit he felt no whit ailing; but Buffalmacco, who wasnot far off, seeing him quit of Nello, made for him and saluting him,enquired if aught ailed him. Quoth Calandrino, 'I know not; nay, Nellotold me but now that I seemed to him all changed. Can it be that aughtaileth me?' 'Ay,' rejoined Buffalmacco, 'there must e'en be somethingor other amiss with thee, for thou appearest half dead.'
[Footnote 426: _i.e._ balls for a pellet bow, usually made out ofclay. Bruno and Buffalmacco were punning upon the double meaning, landand earth (or clay), of the word _terra_.]
By this time it seemed to Calandrino that he had the fevers, when, lo,up came Bruno and the first thing he said was, 'Calandrino, whatmanner of face is this?' Calandrino, hearing them all in the sametale, held it for certain that he was in an ill way and asked them,all aghast, 'what shall I do?' Quoth Bruno, 'Methinketh thou wert bestreturn home and get thee to bed and cover thyself well and send thywater to Master Simone the doctor, who is, as thou knowest, as ourvery creature and will tell thee incontinent what thou must do. Wewill go with thee and if it behoveth to do aught, we will do it.'Accordingly, Nello having joined himself to them, they returned homewith Calandrino, who betook himself, all dejected, into the bedchamberand said to his wife, 'Come, cover me well, for I feel myself soredisordered.' Then, laying himself down, he despatched his water by alittle maid to Master Simone, who then kept shop in the Old Market, atthe sign of the Pumpkin, whilst Bruno said to his comrades, 'Abide youhere with him, whilst I go hear what the doctor saith and bring himhither, if need be.' 'Ay, for God's sake, comrade mine,' criedCalandrino, 'go thither and bring me back word how the case standeth,for I feel I know not what within me.'
Accordingly, Bruno posted off to Master Simone and coming thitherbefore the girl who brought the water, acquainted him with the case;wherefore, the maid being come and the physician, having seen thewater, he said to her, 'Begone and bid Calandrino keep himself wellwarm, and I will come to him incontinent and tell him that whichaileth him and what he must do.' The maid reported this to her masternor was it long before the physician and Bruno came, whereupon theformer, seating himself beside Calandrino, fell to feeling his pulseand presently, the patient's wife being there present, he said,'Harkye, Calandrino, to speak to thee as a friend, there aileth theenought but that thou art with child.' When Calandrino heard this, hefell a-roaring for dolour and said, 'Woe's me! Tessa, this is thydoing, for that thou wilt still be uppermost; I told thee how it wouldbe.' The lady, who was a very modest person, hearing her husband speakthus, blushed all red for shamefastness and hanging her head, went outof the room, without answering a word; whilst Calandrino, pursuing hiscomplaint, said, 'Alack, wretch that I am! How shall I do? How shall Ibring forth this child? Whence shall he issue? I see plainly I am adead man, through the mad lust of yonder wife of mine, whom God makeas woeful as I would fain be glad! Were I as well as I am not, I wouldarise and deal her so many and such buffets that I would break everybone in her body; albeit it e'en serveth me right, for that I shouldnever have suffered her get the upper hand; but, for certain, an Icome off alive this time, she may die of desire ere she do it again.'
Bruno and Buffalmacco and Nello were like to burst with laughter,hearing Calandrino's words; however, they contained themselves, butDoctor Simple-Simon[427] laughed so immoderately that you might havedrawn every tooth in his head. Finally, Calandrino commending himselfto the physician and praying him give him aid and counsel in this hisstrait, the latter said to him, 'Calandrino, I will not have thee loseheart; for, praised be God, we have taken the case so betimes that, ina few days and with a little trouble, I will deliver thee thereof; butit will cost thee some little expense.' 'Alack, doctor mine,' criedCalandrino, 'ay, for the love of God, do it! I have here two hundredcrowns, wherewith I was minded to buy me an estate; take them all, ifneed be, so I be not brought to bed; for I know not how I should do,seeing I hear women make such a terrible outcry, whereas they areabout to bear child, for all they have ample commodity therefor, thatmethinketh, if I had that pain to suffer, I should die ere I came tothe bringing forth.' Quoth the doctor, 'Have no fear of that; I willlet make thee a certain ptisan of distilled waters, very good andpleasant to drink, which will in three mornings' time carry offeverything and leave thee sounder than a fish; but look thou be morediscreet for the future and suffer not thyself fall again into thesefollies. Now for this water it behoveth us have three pairs of finefat capons, and for other things that are required thereanent, do thougive one of these (thy comrades) five silver crowns, so he may buythem, and let carry everything to my shop; and to-morrow, in God'sname, I will send thee the distilled water aforesaid, whereof thoushalt proceed to drink a good beakerful at a time.' 'Doctor mine,'replied Calandrino, 'I put myself in your hands'; and giving Brunofive crowns and money for three pairs of capons, he besought him tooblige him by taking the pains to buy these things.
[Footnote 427: _Scimmione_ (lit. ape), a contemptuous distortion of_Simone_.]
The physician then took his leave and letting make a littleclary,[428] despatched it to Calandrino, whilst Bruno, buying thecapons and other things necessary for making good cheer, ate them incompany with his comrades and Master Simone. Calandrino drank of hisclary three mornings, after which the doctor came to him, togetherwith his comrades, and feeling his pulse, said to him, 'Calandrino,thou art certainly cured; wherefore henceforth thou mayst safely goabout thine every business nor abide longer at home for this.'Accordingly, Calandrino arose, overjoyed, and went about hisoccasions, mightily extolling, as often as he happened to speak withany one, the fine cure that Mas
ter Simone had wrought of him, in thathe had unbegotten him with child in three days' time, without anypain; whilst Bruno and Buffalmacco and Nello abode well pleased athaving contrived with this device to overreach his niggardliness,albeit Dame Tessa, smoking the cheat, rated her husband amainthereanent."
[Footnote 428: _Chiarea._ According to the commentators, thecomposition of this drink is unknown, but that of clary, a sort ofhippocras or spiced wine _clear-strained_ (whence the name), offers nodifficulty to the student of old English literature.]
The Decameron of Giovanni Boccaccio Page 94