by J. S. Cooper
My whole existence was turned upside down when I found out his explosive secret. A secret that only two other people knew. A secret that ensured that my world was about to change. Dominic had never been the man I’d thought he was going to be. However, maybe that was why I was so attracted to him. Dominic was a more fucked-up version of myself.
8
Looking back, I should have realized that everything was a lot crazier than I’d thought. If I weren’t so self-obsessed, I would have known. To this day, I still have nightmares about that night. It’s something I can never erase from my brain. It’s something that even I can’t seem to get over. I never expected it, and I’m still shocked. And that’s saying something. I’m never shocked. I mean, I’ve fucked men with other men watching. I’ve given blow jobs just to get into clubs. I’ve slept with my best friend’s fiancé. I’ve done things that aren’t acceptable. Yet I’m still shocked.
There’s one thing you need to know. I could have forgiven Dominic anything. Absolutely anything, but I couldn’t forgive him for this. This was too much. This took even my breath away. It’s fitting in a way. It used to be that I was the one who shocked everyone. Now, there’s nothing I can do that will ever be as shocking as what he did. Ironically, the day that changed everything was the day that I thought was going to be the start of something beautiful.
Do you know what betrayal feels like? It’s soul sucking, pain crushing, heart breaking, and it’s even worse when no one but you cares. I’ve never felt so alone before. How can you expect someone to feel bad for you when life blows up in your face when you were in the wrong in the first place? What’s that saying? Karma’s a bitch? I‘m here to tell you that the saying is true. Karma is a bitch.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When I was growing up, my life wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t devastatingly horrible. I know most people don’t want to hear that. I mean, I’m so fucked up you’d think something really bad had happened to me. I’m just jaded and I don’t think I’m going to get any better.
After my little trick with Jessie and Tom, I thought I’d won. I thought Dominic was all mine and that getting rid of Aiden would be easy with a bit of blackmail about telling his wife. It’s funny how things can change in an instant. I’m not even sure why I thought it would be so easy. I guess that, when you’re used to having your own way, that‘s an easy thing to expect.
I wasn’t prepared to be crushed. I wasn’t prepared to be mutilated and diced into quarters. Not me physically, but my heart, of course. I could barely believe it when it went down. I can barely believe it now.
When Dominic and I left the hotel that day, we didn’t go to a room to have sex. That was the first thing that shocked me. He really seemed upset at what had happened between Jessie and Tom. That had upset me. I mean, who wants to see their guy getting jealous over another girl? That should tell you exactly how much he thought about me. And yes, I know that, technically, he wasn’t my guy, but try telling my teeny-weeny heart that.
You might think I’m overreacting about what happened, so I’m going to tell you step by step exactly what went down and you can let me know what you think. How would you have reacted?
The day my heart was shocked and broken
I decided to have a bath when I got back. Partially because I thought Dominic might try to slip into my room for the quickie we hadn’t had in the hotel. Oh, isn’t it funny how we convince ourselves that everything will be fine when all signs point to a completely different ending?
My bath was short and unfulfilling. Dominic didn’t join me, and I received a phone call from Brad. I nearly didn’t answer the phone because he was the last person I wanted to talk to, but I answered just in case something had happened to Natasha.
“What?” I snapped into the phone. I was already in a bad mood.
“How are you doing?” His voice was soft, and my heart stopped.
You ever have one of those moments when you remember something from the past and you feel a slight tinge of pain and regret at how things turned out? It’s usually because it makes you realize that you messed up at some point in your life. I try to live with no regrets, but how can any of us have no regrets?
“I’m fine. What‘s up?”
“I was thinking of you and I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t care.” His voice was bitter.
“Then don’t bother calling me.” I hung up then and cried.
I cried for the life of normalcy I wished I had. I cried for all the uncertainty and unknowing. I cried because I knew that Dominic didn’t love me even though I didn’t want to accept or acknowledge that.
When I got out of the bath and looked in the mirror, I realized just how young I looked. My face was red and splotchy, and for the first time, I saw the very real sadness in my eyes. For the first time, I realized just how alone I was, and it scared me. I was scared with every fiber of my being. Do you know what it is to feel alone? To feel desperate? To feel as if the whole universe is going on like normal but you’re somehow stuck in a void of nothingness?
When I left the bathroom, there was a letter on my bed. A beautiful, white linen sheet of paper. That should have been my first clue. What man has crisp, white linen sheets of paper lying around?
The note was simple and sweet:
My dearest,
This has been a crazy weekend. I’m so sorry you had to go through all this drama. Let me make it up to you! I want to show you how special you are to me. Please give me a chance to explain. I hope we can move on from here.
Dominic
My heart expanded with hope and a certain satisfaction.
I know what you’re thinking, though. You’re thinking that it was a fake note crafted by Jessie, but I knew it had been written by Dominic because I recognized his handwriting. I tried to call him to tell him that I wanted to see him, but his phone just rang. About ten minutes later, he called me back. I grabbed the phone eagerly.
“Hello?”
“I want to fuck you. You turn me on.” His voice was loud.
“I want to fuck you too,” I breathed into the phone.
“Get naked for me.”
“Where shall I meet you?”
“Take your clothes off and let me watch.”
“Okay, but where should I meet you?”
“I want you to suck my cock while he watches.”
“Wait, what? Dominic?”
“You like that, don’t you?” His voice was lust filled, and I was about to ask him what he was talking about when my phone died.
I had no clue what the fuck was going on, but I wasn’t really thinking. I ran back to the bathroom and put on a robe over my naked body. I was going to show up with nothing on but the robe. Then I would drop it and push him down on the bed. My body shivered in anticipation. I couldn’t wait.
I decided to walk to Dominic’s bedroom. I was pretty sure that Jessie wasn’t going to show her cheating ass back in the house. I grinned to myself as I walked hurriedly to the bedroom.
I knew as soon as I got to his door that I was in for a great night. I could hear the sounds of jazz music playing in his room, and as I opened the door, the room was dark and there were candles lit.
I opened the door and was about to call out when I heard grunts. I smiled to myself as I realized he had gotten started by himself. I opened my robe and then paused as I realized there was movement on the bed. I froze and stared in shock.
Dominic was in here fucking Jessie?
“Sit on my face, you dirty bitch!” Aiden’s voice shouted into the room.
My mouth dropped in shock as my eyes adjusted to the dark. Jessie’s naked body was on top of the bed, and I could see her moving slightly. She starting crying out in pleasure, and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. Poor Dominic! I couldn’t believe that she and Aiden would have sex in his room.
That’s when the world stopped.
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“Suck my big cock, Jessie.” Dominic’s voice was hoarse. “Take it into your mouth farther.” He groaned.
I took a small step toward the bed and saw that Jessie and Aiden weren’t breaking Dominic’s heart. In fact, he looked like he was in absolute pleasure as Jessie sucked him off. All three of them seemed to be completely into the threesome, and I knew in my heart that this wasn’t the first time it had happened.
I watched them all on the bed for a couple of minutes, and I felt as if I were frozen. What the fuck was going on here? I hurried out of the room with my eyes burning and ran back to my bedroom, stumbling over my own feet.
“Are you okay, Saskia?” Aiden’s wife came out of a bedroom and looked at me with caring eyes.
“I’m… I’m fine.” I looked away from her, feeling awful for her and what was going on in her house.
“You’ve just seen Jessie, then?” She raised an eyebrow.
“Kinda.” I bit my lower lip and looked into her suddenly cold eyes.
“Stop looking sorry for me. I’m not an idiot, Saskia, and neither is Jessie. Do you think we didn’t know that Dominic and Aiden brought you in to replace her?”
“Excuse me?” My voice rose and my eyes popped.
“The letter on your bed was the letter that Dominic gave Jessie a couple of years ago when she found out that he was sleeping with a different girl. I gave him the paper. It’s from my special collection.” She smiled at me.
“Huh?” I can tell you that, if shock could kill a person, I would have been dead then.
“Dominic and Aiden share women, Saskia. You should know that, seeing as you’re one of the pieces of trash that they share.”
“I, uh—”
“Don’t bother trying to lie to me.” She laughed and shook her diamond tennis bracelet. “Do you think you’re the first girl that’s been sleeping with my husband and then just happens to meet my son and starts sleeping with him?”
“This has happened before?” My voice was low.
“Jessie started as Aiden’s lover then started dating Dominic, and they enjoy their little romps.”
“You’re okay with this?”
“Don’t let the sweet act fool you, darling. I have my own lovers.” She smiled sweetly. “But I like Jessie. She’s the best girl we’ve had in this arrangement. I won’t have you replacing her.”
“I don’t want to sleep with your hus—with Aiden anymore.” I shook my head.
“Aren’t you glad that we showed you what awaits you if you stuck around?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Neither Dominic nor Aiden really want you, Saskia. They want the power of having you and using you. They can do whatever they want to you and you do it.”
“I don’t do whatever they want.”
“I can tell you’re not into the threesome.” She laughed cruelly. “Best for you to pack your bags and don’t come back.”
“Your whole family is sick.” I shuddered.
“But we’re rich.” She smiled, looked at her wedding ring admiringly, and showed it to me. “This is a ten-carat diamond ring.” She smiled as she waved it in my face. “Such a pretty ring, isn’t it?”
I stared at her in shock for a while before I turned around, ran back to the room, and packed up my bags. I had to get out of this house of horrors. My mind was spinning.
Aiden and Dominic were sharing their women. Was that their plan for me as well? They wanted to share me? I shuddered as I grabbed my bags and then started giggling hysterically. Here I had been changing my whole mindset. Here I had been falling in love. Here I had been becoming a different person. And for what? Two people that were more fucked up than I was.
I grabbed my phone and called Tom to come and pick me up, but he didn’t answer. I pressed end on the phone when the voicemail came on to stop myself from crying into the phone. I didn’t want him to see my weakness. I then called Natasha instead, but she didn’t pick up.
“Natasha, it’s Saskia. I need your help. Please call me back.” I grabbed my bag and ran to the front of the house. I had just slammed the front door closed when my phone rang. It was Natasha.
“Hey, oh my God. I need your help. You will not believe what just happened.”
“It’s me, Saskia.” The voice was deep and wry, and I realized it was Brad.
“Where’s Natasha?”
“She went out and left her phone.”
“Oh.”
“I listened to your voicemail. Do you need help or not?” His voice was blunt.
I bit my lower lip. I needed a ride. I needed a place to stay. However, I knew that it wasn’t a good idea to accept the help from Brad. I needed it to come from Natasha. I needed to be in debt to her, not anyone else. I couldn’t allow myself to accept any help from Brad. I closed my eyes and wiped the tears from my cheeks. Tears that were running without my approval.
“Okay, come and get me,” I shot out and felt my heart pounding. I had no idea what I was doing, but all I knew was that I needed to get away from here, and fast.
“I’m coming.” His words were soft, and he hung up as soon as I gave him the address.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m a bitch and a mess. You’re thinking that nothing is sacred to me. You’re thinking that accepting a ride from Brad was a horrible thing to do, given our past. You might be right. I wish I could tell you that I’d just called a cab and gone to a motel. I wish I could tell you I’d gotten my act together after seeing the ménage à trois of my nightmares, but I can’t.
This is my true diary. This is my story. I warned you that it wasn’t going to be pretty. I warned you that you might not like me. You may even hate me by the end of my story. I told you before that love isn’t all fairy tales and sugary-sweet stuff. Sometimes it’s gritty and raw. Sometimes it’s full of heartaches and pain. Sometimes love even becomes the pain.
My phone rang while I was waiting for Brad to pick me up.
“Hello?”
“It’s me.”
“What do you want?” My voice was low and sad.
“I want you to give me another chance.”
“Whatever.” I sighed. “We’ve been over this before.”
“I love you, Saskia.” Tom’s voice cracked.
“No. No, you don’t.”
“Did you know that Natasha has her art exhibit tonight?”
“What? No?” I exclaimed.
“Yeah. Tonight’s her big night and you should be there. You’re her best friend.”
“I know.” I hung up the phone, not wanting to hear any more, and stared at the ground as everything sank in.
The car pulled up about thirty minutes later, and I slowly got into the passenger’s seat. Brad was wearing a tuxedo and a grim expression. He didn’t say anything to me as he took in my disheveled appearance. I sat back, closed my eyes, and stared out of the window. My heart was breaking inside for all the wrong reasons. I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Tom.
“Fine. I’ll give you another chance. Call me tomorrow.”
I turned my phone off as soon as I sent the text and turned on the radio. “I Only Have Eyes for You” played through the speakers and I started crying.
9
When people look at me today, they think that I have the perfect life. I’m beautiful, I have enough money to be comfortable, and I have a man who loves me. They don’t know the hell I’ve been through. They don’t know the rot inside of my soul. It’s so easy to look from the outside and think, “Lucky her.” By all appearances, my life is perfect.
But appearances can be as fake as a plastic Barbie. I mean, it’s true that, some days, I’m the happiest person in the world. Some days, I can forget the person I was and still am. Some days, the anxiety and the fear are but a memory, but other days…
Other days are dark and gloomy and I’m just waiting for the ax to fall. I’m just waiting for karma to catch up with me. Sometimes I think it already has.
I know the bi
g question you want to ask. Do I feel bad about the pain I’ve caused? Do I regret sleeping with so many men? I should say yes, right? It would make you like me more. It would make me look like I learned from my mistakes. But that would be lying! I don’t regret a single fuck! Not one.
“You want to talk about it?” Brad’s voice was soft, as if he actually cared about how I felt.
“Nope.” I continued to stare out of the window.
“Do you want to go home or to Natasha’s show?”
“Shouldn’t you be at the show?”
“Yes.” He turned the music down. “But you’re her best friend and I know that she would want me to help you. That’s what she’s always wanted, right? She wants us to be friends.”
“Come on, Brad.” I turned to look at him then. “How can we be friends?”
“I think we can.” He looked at me briefly, and I stared into his blue eyes. “What happened is in the past.”
“It shouldn’t have happened!” I cried out. “You cheated.”
“I didn’t want to go through with the wedding.” His voice was soft. “You know that.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” My voice cracked as I remembered Brad begging me to give him a chance.
I didn’t want to remember that. I didn’t want to remember how much fun we’d had together. There’s something I didn’t tell you about my night with Brad. It lasted more than one night.
“We don’t have to talk about it.” He turned the music back up. “I’ll just take you home.”
“I don’t want to go home.”
“I meant to my place.”
“We can go to the show.” I wiped my tears and patted my face down. “I want to support Natasha.”
“She’ll be happy to see you.” He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel and then spoke again. “Will your friends be happy to know you left?”