by J. S. Cooper
I know you’re thinking what a bitch I am. How can I even think about being with Brad? My best friend’s husband. When I look back, I can’t say that I’m proud of myself. I can’t say that I think I’m a good person. I can’t say that I haven’t wondered what would have been different in my life if I’d told Mark to meet me in my bedroom. But life never seems to go as planned. I know what you’re thinking. But you’re wrong. I swear that you’re wrong.
The night that changed everything
I waited until two a.m. to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I was wearing a long T-shirt and nothing else. I walked to the bathroom quietly, not wanting to wake anyone up. I figured I would wait for fifteen minutes and then go back to bed if no one else showed up. Part of me hoped that no one would show up.
I opened the door, walked in, and kept the light off. I sat on the bathtub, wondering what I was doing. I closed my eyes and tried to get myself to leave. Did I really want to go down this road? Part of me didn’t, but the other part of me wanted my happily ever after. I wanted true love. I admit it. I was tired. I wanted someone who wanted me. Even if I had to pay the ultimate price.
After about ten minutes, I stood up and was about to leave the room when someone walked in quickly and I heard the door lock behind me.
“Where were you going?” a deep voice whispered in my ear.
My brain clicked over as I tried to place the voice. I couldn’t tell if it was Brad or Mark.
“I didn’t know if you were going to come,” I whispered, and I felt his hands pull me toward him. “I don’t know—” I started again, and I felt his fingers against my lips.
“Shh,” he whispered as his fingers pulled up the back of my T-shirt and caressed my ass.
I bit my lower lip as my hands reached up to touch his face. Part of me thought it was Brad, but the other part of me thought it was Mark. Then his fingers slipped between my legs and I stopped thinking about it.
He pushed me forward until my legs hit the bathtub. I leaned forward and pushed my ass back. He groaned in response, and I felt him lean over. I cried out as I felt his lips running up and down along my slit.
“Oh!” I cried out as his tongue entered me.
I gripped the bathtub and tried not to shudder too much as I felt myself coming on his face. I was so horny that I couldn’t stop myself. After about five minutes, he stood back up, grabbed my hips, and pushed my back. I felt the tip of his cock rubbing against me, and I pushed back against him. He didn’t disappoint me, and I felt him entering me quickly. He thrust into me with such force that I fell forward slightly. His grip on my hips tightened, and he pulled me back up without stopping his movements. His hands left my hips, and I felt him reach forward to rub my clit as he entered me. I felt my legs trembling as a second climax approached.
“Oh, I’m going to come again!” I moaned, wanting whoever I was with to speak again.
He didn’t speak. Instead, he increased the force of his thrusts. My body felt like it was on fire and I thought I was about to burst.
It was then that we heard the door opening.
“Shit!” he exclaimed. “That fucking door.” He groaned as he kept moving.
The light came on then and he pulled out of me. We both turned around, and there stood Natasha, standing with a pale, white face.
“Oh!” Her eyes looked at me in shock.
I felt the blood drain out of my face and then looked to my right to see who I’d been fucking. My eyes widened in distress as he gave me a small, serious smile. I literally felt like my heart was going to stop beating in that second.
“Oh!” Natasha spoke again, and her hand flew to her mouth as she stepped back.
“I…” I started and then stopped. I had no idea what to say.
I didn’t know how I would get myself out of this one. I stared at him again, and I couldn’t stop my stomach from flipping over as I recalled what we’d just been doing. I knew then that everything in my life was about to change. I’d gone and screwed up to the point of no return this time.
10
So, I broke up a marriage. It doesn’t sound nice to say that out loud, but I figured I could tell you because we’re friends. Kind of. Okay, maybe we’re not friends. But I lost my best friend. It still stings. I still feel bad. When I’m in bed at night lying next to my husband, I sometimes wonder if it was worth it. Was love worth it? Because we do have love. In our own messed up way. He loves me. I think it was love at first site. At least that’s what he says. He tries to convince me, though, I still don’t know. This wasn’t how I expected my fairy tale to go. I guess I should go back to that night. The night in the bathroom. The night that led to the beginning and the end.
“What the fuck is going on here?” Natasha’s voice was harsh and her eyes were cold as she stared at me.
“It’s not what you think.” My voice was low as I stared at her, feeling ashamed.
“Really?” Her eyes narrowed as she stared at me. “I knew you were a slut, but I never thought you’d do this to me.”
“I didn’t know, I…” I paused. What could I say? I didn’t know I was fucking your dad? I thought I was fucking your husband or maybe your uncle.
“Get out.” She moved forward and pushed me into the bathroom.
“What?” My eyes popped open.
“I said get out,” she screamed.
“Natasha,” David spoke up and she turned toward him.
“How could you, Dad?” Her voice rose. “How could you do this to Mom?”
“Natasha, this isn’t something that…”
“Shut up,” she screamed and then looked at both of us in disgust. “I want you both to leave. I don’t care where you go. I don’t care what you do, but I want you both out.” She shook her head and stared at me. “I always knew you had problems, Saskia, but I never thought you’d go this low.”
“Natasha, your mom is going to wonder what happened if I leave.” David’s voice was low.
“Do you want me to tell her you left because I caught you fucking my best friend in the bathroom?”
“Calm down, Natasha, you know your mom and I haven’t been happy in a long time.”
“How convenient.” She stepped back. “Leave now or I’ll scream and wake everyone up.”
“Natasha, please.” I stepped toward her and grabbed her arm. She gave me such a look of hate that I flinched. My insides felt like they were on fire. And then Brad walked out of the bedroom in a pair of navy blue boxer shorts and no shirt and everything went quiet.
“What’s going on?” He looked directly at me and then at David and Natasha. “Saskia?”
I stared into his eyes then and I could see the confusion. I waited to see the disgust. I needed to see the disgust. I needed to see that he hated me. I needed him to think I wasn’t good enough. I stared and waited, but all I could see was a question.
“I caught Saskia and Dad in the bathroom.” Natasha walked over to Brad and I could see tears running down her face. “I can’t believe this.” She started sobbing and Brad wrapped his arms around her.
“I’m sorry, Natasha. It’s not what…” I started and stopped. What was the point? What could I say that would make any of it better? I looked at David and he was adjusting himself. I shuddered at the thought of him inside of me. I felt ashamed of myself, as well, because a part of me wanted to go back into the bathroom and continue. I knew then that I had to leave. I was so confused, so sex-crazed. That moment made me realize that I couldn’t continue living my life that way anymore. I couldn’t continue allowing my body to dictate my life. What was sex at the end of the day? What was my life if all I cared about was sex?
“Leave,” Natasha sobbed. “Just leave.”
Brad looked at me and nodded and I ran to my room and grabbed my clothes. I took a couple of deep breaths and pulled them on.
“Wanna talk?” His voice was soft as he walked into the room and I stared at him in shock.
“You shouldn’t be here.” I shook my head a
s I turned around to face Brad.
“Natasha asked me to make sure you left promptly.” He shrugged. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? I’m the slut, right?” My voice rose, and I looked away from him.
“I’ve been meaning to fix the bathroom door for ages. Every time David comes over, he tells me don’t forget to fix the door.” He sighed and walked toward me. “Did you think it was me?” His eyes bore into mine and I looked down. “Saskia, answer me.”
“I’m not talking about this.” I looked up at him angrily. “I’m not going to…”
“He’s a pig.” Brad’s eyes narrowed and he grabbed my face. “He’s cheated on her mom so many times.”
“I enjoyed it.” I stared at him, my heart breaking as his eyes turned bleak.
“You never did want to make this easy, did you?”
“Make what easy?” I shook my head. “It would never be easy, Brad.”
“I love you, you know that, right?”
“You don’t love me.” I pulled away from him.
“I love you. Even though I know you’ve just been with him, I forgive you.”
“I don’t need your forgiveness.”
“I forgive you, Saskia. It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“It has to be.”
“Saskia.” He grabbed my hands. “Please.”
“Brad.” I could feel myself getting angry. “No, no, no. I can’t do that to Natasha.”
“It’s always been you.”
“No.” I felt a tear fall. “No.”
“Do you remember?” he whispered.
“I remember.” I nodded and looked at him.
The Day Brad Made Me A Promise
“How many times are we going to come to this park?” I sighed as we sat on the park bench.
“Until you tell me you want to date me.” He shrugged.
“You’re dating my best friend.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“We’re not dating. We’ve been on two dates. Shit, we haven’t even slept together, Saskia.”
“You need to stop asking me out, Brad.”
“Then you need to stop coming to the park with me.”
“I know.” I closed my eyes. “Why are we doing this?”
“I don’t know. Why won’t you go out with me?”
“She’s my best friend. I could never do that to her. There’s a ho code, just like there’s a bro code.”
“You said ho code.” He laughed.
“You know what I mean.”
“Want to throw the Frisbee?”
“Not today.” I shook my head.
“Feed the ducks?”
“No.”
“Go to the swings.”
“No.”
“Make out.”
“No. Wait, what? Brad.” I slapped him in the arm.
“What? I had to try.”
“Let’s go walk.” I jumped up. “We can look at the puppies.”
“I’d rather look at you.” His blue eyes sparkled, and he looked at me with a boyish grin.
“Uh-huh.” My stomach flip-flopped.
“Do you know that I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world the moment I saw you?”
“Natasha,” I said simply.
“If I had met you before Natasha, would you have dated me?”
“Not going to answer.”
“You always treat me so mean. I don’t know why I like you.” He bent down and picked up a rock and threw it.
“I don’t know either.”
“I like you because you’re cute and funny and you don’t act like I’m God’s gift to women.”
“That’s because you’re not.”
“Natasha thinks I am.”
“That’s why you’re dating her.”
“I don’t want to sleep with her because I don’t want to cheat on you.”
“Brad.” I pushed him. “We’re never going to be together, okay? You’re nineteen. Get some while you can.”
“Saskia, listen to me.” He grabbed my hands. “Look at me.” His eyes were serious then. “If you ever change your mind, ever. No matter where I am. Who I’m with. I’ll drop everything. Just to be with you.”
“Brad,” I started to say but stopped as he shook his head.
“No matter what, Saskia. I promise you I will drop everything to be with you.” He pulled me toward him and I stared up into his eyes with my heart in my throat. “I know you don’t want to hear it or believe it. I know I’ve most probably scared you, but that’s a promise I make to you with everything I am. No matter what, no matter when. I’m yours. You just have to say the word.”
“Okay.” I leaned forward then and gave him one small, gentle kiss. We stared at each other for a few more minutes and then we went to feed the dogs. I never went to the park with Brad after that day. I started sleeping with my economics professor a few days later and Natasha told me Brad finally slept with her. We never spoke about the day again, though I had always carried it in my heart.
I stared at Brad in the bedroom with tears in my eyes. “I can’t deal with this now. I have to leave. I’ve already broken Natasha’s heart once tonight.”
“What about my heart, Saskia?” His voice was soft and I pretended I didn’t hear him.
“I’m leaving.” I pushed past him.
“Do you need a ride?” He grabbed my arm.
“No.” I shook my head and ran out of the room and to the front door.
“Saskia.” David was waiting for me by the door.
“What?” I glared at him, my heart thumping as I imagined him inside of me.
“I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter. Why is everyone fucking telling me they’re sorry?” I shouted. “I knew it was you.”
“What?” His eyes narrowed.
“I didn’t know for sure, but I was pretty sure. You moved differently than Brad,” I hissed. “You felt different.”
“So you liked it?” He smiled and moved closer to me.
“I’m leaving.” I opened the door quickly and ran out into the street. I didn’t know what to think or feel. Everything in my life was crashing down on me. I didn’t know what side was up and what side was down. I couldn’t breathe. The tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t want to go back to my apartment. It wasn’t mine and I didn’t want to see Aiden. I didn’t want to call Tom after everything that had happened. Dominic sickened me, and Brad was married to my best friend. The best friend who now hated me. I didn’t have anyone. I didn’t have anything.
My phone started ringing, and I threw it into the road then I picked it back up, turned it off and threw it in my pocket. There was no one who I wanted to talk to. It’s funny how life goes, isn’t it? Who would have thought I’d go from flying high to living in the trenches? I suppose that’s karma, isn’t it? I suppose you’re not shocked. Some of you might even be thinking, that’s what you get, bitch. Keep your legs shut. It’s not something I haven’t thought before. I guess you’re wondering where I went, right? Did I call up one of my many men? Did I go looking for another one-night stand? I’m not going to lie. I thought about going to a bar. I thought about finding a hot Wall Street guy and letting him take me home. I even walked by a few bars in the village, but then I decided to just go home. Yes, it was technically Aiden’s apartment, but I knew he wasn’t about to come over. So I just went home. I’ve got to tell you that sleeping in my own bed felt like heaven. Absolute heaven. I cried for about two days straight. I tried calling Natasha about ten times, but she never answered.
I won’t bore you with the details of the next few weeks. They consisted of me lying in bed, watching TV, and eating junk food. I gained at least ten pounds. And then I started feeling sick. Every morning. And then the sick feeling started turning to throwing up. And then I realized that my weight gain might not be due to junk food. So I went to the bodega on the corner and I got a pregnancy test and pissed on it.
You already know the answer to what the test result said. How could you not? Don’t pretend like you’re shocked or appalled. Where else was my lifestyle going to lead me? However, I’m not you. I was blown away by the results of the test.
After I waited for a few minutes, I stared at the pregnancy test in shock. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and closed my eyes. I had no idea what I was going to do. I was pregnant, and I had no idea who the father was.
Then I heard a knock on the front door. I got up slowly and walked through the apartment in a daze before opening the door. I didn’t even blink when I saw him standing there. It was as if I was immune to everything. Nothing was out of the ordinary anymore.
“Hi,” he said softly.
“Hi,” I whispered back, staring at him with wide eyes.
“What’s wrong?” He frowned, and I wanted to laugh. How could he ask me what’s wrong so casually? After everything that had happened?
“I’m pregnant.” I stared into his eyes, bleakly. I didn’t care if he knew.
“Then it’s a good thing that I came over.” He stepped into the apartment and shut the door.
“I don’t know if it’s yours.” I gave him a wry smile and took a step back. He started laughing, and I looked at him oddly. He wasn’t reacting the way I expected him to.
“It doesn’t matter. I want to be with you, Saskia. I know that as sure as I know my own name.” He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to him. I could feel his hardness pressing against my stomach and I swallowed hard. I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him, but I wasn’t sure I had much of a choice. Now that I was pregnant, everything felt different.
“Then come inside.” I grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom.
There’s one thing you should know. He’s not the one I ended up with. To this day, my husband doesn’t know about that night. I’m not sure I can ever tell him. It’s something I hold deep inside of me. It’s something that I think of when I feel cold and lonely. It’s something I think about when I look at my son. Because yes, my husband is not my son’s father. There’s one secret you still don’t know.