“I’m not throwing anything away.”
Her mother chimed in. “Well, I’m just going to say what’s on my mind…”
“When have you ever bitten your tongue?”
“I don’t know but you damn sure better bite yours, young lady.”
Shaun turned to gaze out of the window, tears pricking her eyes. Once again, she felt like her parents were calling her a failure—like they were attacking her. It wasn’t as if she was homeless on the street and only attending this dinner to shake them down for a few more dollars. She actually had a job, and was well on her way to a journalism degree. Why couldn’t they just say they were proud of her, just once?
“I feel like you’re losing yourself,” her mother chided.
“I’m not,” Shaun said sharply.
Her parents went off, throwing critiques at her like they were each in a one sided tennis match, barely allowing her a moment to speak.
“When did you start dating rock stars?”
“Do you have any idea the vile things that boy has said?”
“It’s all over the television.”
“He clearly has no respect for you, or any woman!”
“How could you be seen with him?”
“No respectable woman would!”
Shaun’s heart hammered. “You don’t even know him.”
“You defend him?!” her father cried. "Do you really have so little respect for yourself that you would publicly give that boy the time of day? If you're lying with him at night--"
"Dad!" Shaun instantly blushed. "No, it's not... he's not like that. We're... taking it slow."
"For now. God forbid you ever had a child with him. Do you actually think he would be equipped to raise your black children into confident, healthy adults?"
"Who said anything about children? We just started seeing each other, Dad."
"He will never respect you, sweetie. I'd rather it be me telling you now than him when he says something else disgusting... and probably right to your face the next time."
Shaun felt herself on the verge. She felt like she should defend Adam but, at the same, time she could see where her parents were coming from. Still, she hated hearing them tell her all of the things she was doing wrong and nothing about the things she was doing right. It was only reminding her of why she never visited outside of Christmas’ and Thanksgiving’s. They would never be happy with her no matter how well she did in her life. Never.
When she felt tears pricking her eyes all she could think was that the very man they were tearing down would die before he did anything that would cause the tears she was feeling in her eyes right then. He already believed in her ten times more than they ever had. She’d be damned if she sat there and let them trash him, but she didn’t have the courage to fight them. She never had.
“Look, I have a lot of work to do so, I’m sorry, but I have to go.”
“You’ve got to get a little more heart, Shaun. That’s all we’re saying. You can’t keep running away from your problems—“
Shaun held a hand up to silence him, “You know what? That’s enough, okay? I have to go.”
Without another word she left the dinner table and headed towards the door.
--
Still upset about the painful truths that her parents had reamed her with at dinner, Shaun went out of her way to avoid Adam for the rest of the night, and most of the next morning. As she made her way into the offices of Cosmopolitan Magazine in downtown Los Angeles, she had an anxious rumbling in her stomach.
She had a baseball cap pulled low on her head with her curls tucked away, and a hoodie on top of that. She couldn’t risk being recognized in the office. Even though back when she was a lowly intern ninety percent of that office didn’t even know she existed, it still wasn’t a risk she was willing to take.
Jackson was aware of the photo shoot that Janelle had set up for Shaun and had, in turn, given Shaun a quicker, quieter route that would lead to the rooftop of the building where the shoot would be taking place.
Once she made it to the rooftop, she was happy to pull off her hoodie and baseball cap, shaking her curls free as she did. Her breath caught in the back of her throat when, upon opening her eyes, she saw Adam standing right in front of her.
“Holy shit, what are you doing here?” she asked. Her eyes narrowed around the rooftop where a few dozen workers were milling around setting up cameras, getting the lighting right and all around appearing busy and important.
“If I was crazy I’d think you were avoiding me,” Adam said, coming up to her with a smile. He wrapped her in a hug and pulled away. “I’ve been trying to call you. Janelle wants to have lunch with us today.”
“Yeah, she told me.”
“Ride up there with me. We’ll do something after.”
“Something? Like what?”
“I don’t know. Anything.”
Her eyes searched his face carefully. He really meant that. Anything. He was willing to do absolutely anything as long as she was willing to do it beside him. How had this happened? How had she let this all get so completely out of hand?
She gritted her teeth. “Uh…”
“I saw the bikini they’re putting you in and…” Adam blew a whistle. “I hope you’ll let me stay and watch.”
“A bikini?” Shaun asked, dryly.
“A tiny one. Tiiiiiny, babe.”
She felt like she might throw up.
Adam stepped closer to her. “Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“You’re doing that thing. That thing you do. The thing where you don’t believe you’re a fucking rock star, but you are.”
“I think you’re confused Adam. You are the fucking rock star. Literally.”
When he leaned in, her body yearned to accept him, so she did. His lips felt plush and warm against hers. It was a soft, sweet kiss, lingering just long enough for her stomach to turn inside out. When he pulled away and searched her eyes, the world around her seemed to cave in at her feet. The moment he leaned in for more, her parents popped into her mind and she gave him her cheek regrettably.
Adam pulled away.
“There um…” She finally looked at him. “There aren’t any paparazzi here, so…”
He shrugged. “So?”
“So I don’t see why we should kiss right now.”
“All right.”
She couldn’t see his eyes past his Ray Bans and for that she was thankful. “Okay. And I don’t need a ride later, either. I’ll just catch a cab.” She went to move past him and was surprised when he placed a hand on her stomach, stopping her.
“Actually it’s not all right.” He spoke in a calm tone, but there was something extra that lied underneath. Something that Shaun had been afraid of for the few short weeks they’d known each other.
“It’s not?” she asked.
“No, it’s not. Come here,” he said, walking past her and towards the lone door on the roof. He circled the brick wall surrounding it, giving them a little privacy. Shaun came to a stop behind him and when he turned to face her Adam was suddenly overcome. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Can’t do what?” Shaun was still overwhelmed at the fact that she was at odds with her parents, apparently an up and coming model who was going to have to put on a bikini soon, and had an article to finish writing in under two weeks. She didn’t think she could handle Adam angry at her on top of everything else and it was clear, at that moment, he was feeling a lot of things.
“I can’t play this game anymore.”
“What game?” Shaun cried.
“This game where you and I pretend that this isn’t real.”
“This isn’t real. It’s business.”
“Jesus Christ, I hate that word. I had no idea how much I hated that word until the day I met you.” He ran his fingers through his hair and turned away from her.
Shaun stared at the back of his head. This was spiraling. Fast. She had to reel it all in before it exploded
in her face for good. “Adam can I ask you something? Have you really not gotten laid since you and I started this whole arrangement? Or were you just joking when you told me that?”
Adam turned back to her, faltering. “That has nothing to do with this.”
“It has everything to do with everything. Since we’ve been spending all of this time together I have no idea when you’d even have time to get a little side action. So of course when you look at me you’re going to want me… you’re a man. You’d plow anything in a skirt at this point.”
“Don’t do that.”
“I’m not doing anything,” she mumbled, turning away from him and heading back to the busy rooftop.
“No, you are actually.” Adam followed her and took her arm in his hand, forcing her to face him. “You’re trying to marginalize this because it’s freaking you out. Don’t do that.”
“Marginalize what, Adam? Nothing we have is real. It has never been real. If you’re horny then I’m sure you have your pick of the litter, so please don’t make me your default. I’m not a fallback. If it’s guilt that’s plaguing you then please don’t let it. You have my permission to sleep with any woman you want. Just be sure to wrap it up, okay?”
Adam thought about the redhead he’d tried to lay down with, unsuccessfully, the day he’d kissed Shaun for the first time all those weeks ago. He thought about all of the women he’d tried it with since the moment he’d met her, all disastrous. He may not have known it then, but he knew it now.
He didn’t want anyone else but her.
“You’re not a default, Shaun.” Every move she made away from him he moved with her, leaning down in an attempt to catch her eyes. “Yes, I like sex. I used to have a lot of it before I met you. I’d like to have a lot more of it for the rest of my life… and at the moment I’d really like to have it with you.”
“At the moment, huh?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“You have an arena full of screaming women who would be happy to fill that role. I’m not sure why you think it would be that easy with me.”
“Trust me. If I know anything I know that nothing is easy with you, Shaun.”
“Well if I’m such a difficult person then why do you want me?”
“You’re not a difficult person.” He covered his heart. “Shaun do we have to do this? I don’t want to be at war with you.”
Shaun attempted to walk away, only because she couldn’t stand the sincerity in his voice, in his eyes, but he stepped in front of her and placed his hand against the brick wall, blocking her path. Shaun took a deep breath when Adam put both of his hands on either side of her head against the wall. He was no longer going to allow her to walk away. They were having this conversation whether she liked it or not. She crossed her arms.
“Adam, we’re business partners. Imagine that you and I work in a construction office and we make a blueprint for a building. Once we’re halfway through constructing that building it’s too late to go back and change everything we’ve built. Do you see what I’m saying? We’ve built a hundred story tower with a million fake bricks and it’s too late to go back and make that fake building real or make it go away. The only way to make it go away is to implode it right where it stands. That’s the only road we’re on, Adam, the one that leads to a massive explosion. This isn’t real.”
“Stop saying that.” Adam closed his eyes. When he opened them again and took in her innocent face he suddenly realized how furious she was making him. “Stop saying that.”
“Have you lost sight of why you and I are doing this in the first place? Huh? You need to fix your image with your black audience and I need to get ahead in my own career. That’s our agreement and the fact that our agreement even exists immediately cancels out any chance of a relationship between the two of us. How can you not see it? Everything we are about was born under false circumstances. You can’t take something false and turn it into something real.”
He removed his sunglasses and the look in his eyes was immediately too much for Shaun, so she tilted her head back and looked up at the sky. As she squinted up into the clouds she hated what she was doing at the moment, but she knew it was necessary. The way Adam looked at her seemed to change with each day that passed. There always seemed to be a little more intensity there than there was the day before. A little more adoration. More possessiveness. And every time she saw that change in him she was reminded of the fact that she could never truly have it. Not really. That reality caused her a lot of pain, and every time she thought she was finally free of the pain he would do or say another amazing thing that put her right back at square one. She had to stop this.
The moment Adam found out the truth about her she would never see him again. Everything he seemed to be feeling for her she was, regrettably, feeling as well. She knew when the truth came out she would be shredded when she lost him. One of them had to keep this arrangement of theirs at a safe distance and it clearly wasn’t going to be Adam, not anymore.
Unless she told him the truth right now. Her eyes searched his face, pulled tight into what looked to be an expression of anger and hurt all at once. He was standing before her, fighting for her. No man in her life had ever fought for her the way Adam was fighting right now. Maybe, she thought, he could get over it. Maybe if she told him right then, at that very second, why she was really there, the adoration that was mixed in with the anger splashed across his face would win through. Sure, he’d be angry for a while, but maybe in time he would get over it and she could have him in a real way.
She wanted that more than anything, but she felt like it was a fantasy. The reality of what would happen if she told Adam she was writing an article on him was far more grim. He would feel deeply betrayed by her, so much so that it would change the way he saw her in his eyes forever. He would hate her, no matter what she said to try to make it right or how much time she gave him to get over it. He would never get over it. In the short time she’d known him she noticed that Adam didn’t have many people in his life that hadn’t already been there when he had nothing. With the exception of Janelle and a few other people on his management team, he didn’t let new people in. He clearly felt, that at this point in his career, very few people who entered his life were entering it in a genuine way. If he found out the truth about Shaun she would just be another statistic, another person using him for her own gain.
The way he was looking at her at the moment made it impossible for Shaun to tell him the truth. She wanted to hold onto that look in his eyes for as long as she could. As selfish as it was, she wasn’t ready to lose him in that moment… not yet.
She looked back to him, willing herself not to get teary eyed. “What’s my middle name, Adam?”
Adam blinked at her, then reared back, but never moved far out of her reach.
“How many siblings do I have?” Shaun fired. “Do I even have siblings?”
Adam licked his lips and looked off.
“What’s my favorite color? My biggest fear?”
“Shaun…”
“Am I close to my parents? Are they even in my life?”
Adam opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t.
“You don’t know me.”
“You’re the one that said we couldn’t talk about our lives and now you’re turning it around and using it against me?”
“I’m not trying to use it against you. I’m trying to remind you the reason why we had that agreement in the first place. It was to avoid exactly this. Exactly what’s happening right now.”
“I might not know your favorite color, or your shoe size or what street you grew up on when you were ten.” He hesitated. “All I know is that I haven’t written any music in over a year… then you show up…”
Shaun had to look away from him.
“And these beautiful things just start… pouring out of me… I won’t marginalize that. And I can’t… I can’t pretend that this isn’t real. I can’t pretend that I don’t want you to meet my little si
ster… I do have a little sister, by the way. Her name is Katie. She’s thirteen. She’s my best friend… as sad as that is.”
Shaun tried to bite her tongue, but couldn’t, whispering, “that’s not sad.”
Adam held his hands out to her. “I can’t pretend that I don’t want to tell you how much I hate my father… hate him and love him all at once. I can’t pretend that I’ve ever been with a black woman. Having said that I sure as hell can’t pretend that I don’t want to put my hands all over you. I can’t pretend that I don’t hold my breath every time you look at me. I can’t pretend, Shaun, that I’m not crazy about you.” He continued to cover his heart. “Do you know how many women I’ve poured my heart out to like this in my life? None,” he breathed. “I’m so fucking crazy about you.”
“Adam…” she whispered. “If you care about me at all, Adam, please… please help me keep this professional okay? Can you do that for me, please?” She waited for him to respond and when nothing came, she sighed. “I have to go. They’re waiting for me. I’ll see you at lunch.”
Adam didn’t know what to say and could only clutch his hands into fists against the wall when she turned and walked away from him.
--
As Janelle chomped heartily on her salad later that day at lunch she couldn’t help but look back and forth suspiciously at the company sitting across from her. Not only had Shaun and Adam not touched the food they’d ordered since it had arrived, but they’d barely barked two words to each other since the moment they’d sat down. Janelle’s various attempts at any conversation that didn’t involve business had fallen completely flat. This lunch was a total bust.
She dropped her fork loudly onto her plate when she couldn’t take it anymore. The loud clank caught the attention of both her tight lipped lunch dates.
“Seriously, you guys? Seriously? You had an amazing, epic, perfect moment together at the end of the concert in Sydney and an equally amazing, epic and perfect moment earlier that same day on the runway. It took you less than a day to fuck it all up.”
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