by TJ Klune
Chris grimaced. “You would just tell him to get clam chowder and Advil. I should go too.”
“There’s nothing wrong with clam—”
“It’s offensive, and you should be ashamed of yourself for even liking it—”
“You do not want to talk to me about offensive. I saw you eat that mole during the full moon. That little fucker was shrieking as you chomped down on it—”
Gordo sighed. “Rico, go with them. Make sure they don’t get into trouble.”
Rico glanced at me, an inscrutable expression on his face, before he looked back at Gordo. “I know what you’re doing.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Rico rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, bruja.”
“I really wish you’d stop calling me that.”
“Yeah, yeah. Fine. Ox, we’re taking your truck.”
Ox frowned. “How are you all going to fit?”
Rico headed for the door. “I’m traveling with a pack of dogs. I’m sure one of them won’t mind sitting in the back.”
The wolves all growled at him, but he ignored them.
Kelly coughed roughly. And then it sounded like he was about to hack up part of his lung, so Chris, Tanner, and I decided it was probably best if we hurried.
“It’s like they’re fucking five,” Rico muttered as we drove into town. I looked over my shoulder to see Chris and Tanner in the bed of the truck. They were hanging off either side of the truck, wind blowing through their hair as they laughed.
“They seem to have taken to it well,” I said. “Being wolves.”
His hands tightened briefly on the steering wheel. “I guess. It is what it is.”
The cab of the truck was warm. I was uncomfortable. I didn’t know why Rico had agreed to go. I searched for something to say.
He beat me to it. “I think Chris….” He shook his head. “I think he was always going to take the bite at some point.”
I nodded, trying to be as small as I could. “And Tanner?”
Rico shrugged. “Maybe. It’s… intoxicating. The idea of being stronger. Faster. Able to protect those you care about.”
“Is it… something you would ever want?”
Rico didn’t answer.
I looked out the window.
Then, “No. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s…. I like being human. But sometimes I think about how much easier it would be, you know? You all can do things I can’t. I can feel them, but Chris said that after he turned, it was ramped up by a lot. It took him a long time to be able to figure out how to turn it off. Or at least dampen it.”
“But humans can do things wolves can’t,” I said quietly. “That’s why humans are important in packs.”
He stopped at a stop sign. “Any humans in Maine?”
“I’m sure there are. It’s a big state.”
He snorted. “Smartass. I’m talking about in your pack.” He winced. “I mean the other pack.”
It stung more than I expected it to, but I let it go. “Not really. I mean, witches, yeah. They come in every now and then. But not like… this. Michelle doesn’t really care for humans.”
“God, that woman,” Rico muttered. “I can’t wait to meet her face-to-face.” He glanced at me. “I hope that’s not going to be a problem.”
“What do you mean?”
He pulled through the stop sign. “You know what I mean. It’s going to come down to it one day. Us or her. Us or Gordo’s dad. Things can’t continue like they are. Surely you can see that.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” he asked, and it was a challenge. “Because I hope that’s true, Robbie. I really do. I can’t take the chance of needing you to watch my back only to have you go fucking feral again and become Livingstone’s lapdog.”
“That’s not fair.”
He looked like he was going to argue, but then he deflated. “You know what? You’re right. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry, lobito. I’ve just…. I’ve got a long memory. Always have. I’m not really used to letting things go, even when I should.”
“Why do you call me that?”
“What?”
“Lobito.”
His jaw tightened. “It’s nothing. Stupid, I guess. Just slang. Doesn’t even really mean anything.”
“It means little wolf.”
“Yeah.”
“I told you about her.”
He stopped near the curb in front of a small grocery store down the road from the garage. Chris and Tanner hopped out of the back. Rico waved at them to go on. Chris and Tanner exchanged a look before nodding and heading for the store.
Rico switched off the truck. He rubbed a hand over his face as he slumped down on the bench seat. “You did. Weirdly, you told me before you told anyone else. After the whole mess with Richard Collins.” He shook his head. “We were at the garage. It was just the two of us. It was our turn to stay and catch up on all the paperwork. Gordo left us some beers, and it was late. But yeah, you told me.”
“Why you?” I asked. Then, “Shit. I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”
“Oh, thanks,” he said dryly. “That makes me feel better.”
“I swear, I didn’t—”
“I was a little drunk,” Rico said, reaching out the open window to adjust the side mirror. “And you were laughing at me because of it. And then I was laughing because I….” He swallowed thickly. “I liked hearing you laugh. And after everything we’d been through, that entire fucking shitstorm, it was… good. Just to have a moment of peace. To sit back with someone else who understood and just laugh. I don’t even remember how it came up. We were talking about Ox and Joe and their stupid mystical moon magic connection, and then I was telling you about my mom, may she rest in peace. And then you told me about the tree.”
“Quiet as a mouse,” I whispered.
“Yeah, man. That. And the thing she used to tell you. Little wolf, little wolf. And it just started from there, you know? Lobito. You didn’t seem to mind.”
“I don’t. I like it. Coming from you.”
He squinted at me. “But you don’t remember it.”
I shrugged. “No, but I know how it makes me feel now. And if it’s anything like it was then, I think it’s okay. I obviously told you about her because I trusted you.”
He watched me a moment. “But not anymore.”
“I don’t really know anything anymore.”
“Oh Jesus, get that look off your face. Break my heart, why don’t ya?” He narrowed his eyes. “If you’re trying to make me feel sorry for you, it’s not working.”
“I’m not.”
“Goddammit. It’s totally working. Look, Robbie, I….” He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “I’m trying, okay? I really am. I know shit’s fucked-up right now. And I don’t even know what we’re going to face in the days ahead. Hell, we might not even survive whatever’s going to happen.”
“Because it’s going to be you or them.”
“Yeah. It will.” He frowned. “Wait a minute. When I said us or them, that included you. You know that, right?”
I didn’t before. I did now.
He sighed. “And now you’ve got that dopey look on your face. I just can’t with you.” And then he did an extraordinary thing: he reached over and grabbed my wrist. He didn’t squeeze; he didn’t try to hold my hand. He just let his fingers circle the little bones. It was something small, but it felt bigger than the both of us. “I’ll get there,” he said. “I have to, right? Because it’s the only way we’re going to be able to beat them.”
Oh. Fuck, that sucked to hear. That he only considered me part of this, part of this pack, out of necessity.
And then he said, “But also because I want to,” and my breath caught in my chest because he wasn’t lying. His heart remained steady. “I want things to go back to the way they were. I want to be able to look at you without remembering what happened. And maybe that’s stupid. I don’t know if things will ever be the same aga
in, but I miss my friend.”
I had to know. “What if I don’t ever remember? What if I stay as I am now?”
“Then we deal with it. Together. And we remind you of who you used to be. He took you away from us, Robbie. And he took everything that we’d ever been through together. But you’re here, yeah? No matter how strong Michelle is, no matter what control Livingstone had over you, you’re here with us now. And that’s what’s important. I forgot that. And I’m sorry I did. I’m trying, okay? I swear to you I’m trying. Because I know you would do the same for me, no matter what.”
I hugged him.
He grunted as I practically fell on top of him, pushing my face against his chest. And then, wonder of all wonders, he chuckled and patted my back. “Yeah, yeah. You too, lobito. I get it.”
He let it go on for a few more moments before he pushed me away. “Enough of the feelings crap. I get enough of that with Bambi, but don’t ever tell her I said that because I like my balls where they are. Let’s go get what we need for your boy.”
“He’s not my boy—”
Rico laughed as he climbed out of the truck. “Holy shit, you should see the look on your face right now. You’re Alpha red, except it’s all over. Fucking dork.”
He was still laughing at me as I followed him inside.
Kelly was asleep by the time we returned. The pack was spread out through the house, and no one said a word about the Mylar balloons I was struggling to fit through the front door.
They didn’t need to.
I could see the amusement on their faces.
Rico shoved me toward the stairs. “We’ll fix the food. Get your ridiculous ass up to Kelly. I’ll let you know when it’s ready. It was my turn to help with food for Sunday Tradition, anyway.”
I nodded gratefully before heading upstairs.
Elizabeth was the only one still in the room with Kelly, sitting in a chair next to the bed. She looked up at me when I walked through the door. She grinned at me, wild and beautiful. “What have you got there?”
I kicked one of my boots at the floor. “Just some balloons. The woman at the grocery store said that people like balloons when they’re sick.”
“So you decided to buy all of them?”
“I didn’t know which ones to get.”
“One says ‘Happy Birthday.’”
I groaned. “I may have gone overboard. Rico was pissed off when we had to try and shove all of them into the truck.”
“I think Rico likes to bitch about things regardless. It’s a personality trait.”
I set the plastic weight tied to the balloon strings on the desk before handing her the plastic bag in my other hand. She looked inside. “And you seem to have bought every single cold remedy in existence.”
“I just wanted to make sure,” I muttered. I kneeled next to the bed. Kelly was sleeping, nose twitching as he sniffled. He looked warm, and Elizabeth handed me a cool cloth. I dabbed his forehead carefully, not wanting to wake him.
“He’ll be all right,” she said.
“I know.”
“Do you?”
I shrugged.
“Well, you should listen to me, then, and believe me when I tell you so. I am a mother, after all. I know quite a bit about such things.”
“He’s never been human before,” I reminded her.
“No, I don’t suppose he has. But I’ve had humans in my pack.” Her smile faded slightly. “I’ve taken care of the sick a time or two.”
“If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t even be like this.”
“Perhaps.” She touched my back before withdrawing. “But I think you’ll find it doesn’t matter to Kelly. Or at the very least, he thinks it’s a small price to pay. And one he would pay again and again.”
“Doesn’t seem that small to me.”
“What if the roles were reversed?”
I looked at her. “What do you mean?”
“What if Kelly had been taken instead of you? What would you have done to get him back?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know the person I was. I can’t say what I would have done.”
She nodded. “Point. But let’s say as the person you are now. What would you do?”
“Everything,” I said immediately. I blinked. “Whoa.”
“Whoa indeed,” she said, lips twitching. “Memories are all well and good. They help to shape us, to make us who we are. We learn from past experiences, and they can also bring us joy in the quiet moments of reflection. But they aren’t everything. Because here you are, as you are. The Robbie I knew would be doing the same thing. You’re not that different from who you used to be.”
“I just want to keep him safe,” I mumbled.
“I know you do. And I don’t know that anyone would do a better job than you. Can I ask you something, Robbie?”
I nodded.
She took the cloth from me and dipped it into the bowl on the nightstand next to the bed. She wrung it out before handing it back to me. I gently pressed it against Kelly’s forehead, and he sighed in his sleep, turning his head toward me.
“What do you see?”
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. But I didn’t think that’s what she was talking about. “What do you mean?”
“Here. In this room.”
I looked around. I hadn’t noticed when I’d burst in earlier. Aside from the bed and the nightstand, there was a small desk set against one wall underneath a window. The balloons were on top of it. There was a rug on the floor, and a closet with the door cracked open, and I could see clothes hanging inside.
But that was it.
The room was mostly blank. Like mine had been when Mark had shown it to me.
It didn’t look like anyone lived here, especially not someone as bright and vibrant as Kelly.
I looked at Elizabeth, confused. “It’s empty.”
She was pleased, and it was all for me. I wanted to bask in it. “Yes. It is. Do you know why?”
I started to shake my head but stopped. What was it Mark had told me? “We didn’t live here. We lived in the other house.”
She nodded. “You did. You were so proud of yourself that day. It was as if you were both starting out on your own. And in a way, you were, even if it was right next door. You shared the house with some of the Omegas that were staying here with us, at least at first. Ox and Joe, they had been using the house, but they came back here. They knew you needed time to just… be together. I was standing on the porch, watching you two walk hand in hand toward the other house.” Her eyes were watery, but she waved me away when I tried to hand her the box of tissues. “You made it a home. It was warm and inviting, and you were talking about starting traditions of your own. Oh, you were going to include all of us in them, but you thought it was so grown-up, so mature to invite people over for dinner. I might have helped you with that a time or two.”
“I wish I could remember it.”
“I know you do,” she said. “But memories aren’t everything, Robbie. Because here you are, starting again. And I couldn’t be happier that it’s you my son chose. This room, it’s bare because it’s not his true home. His true home was the one he made with you. He’s only here because he couldn’t stand the quiet. A home is a place. But it can also be a person. You’re that person for him. I only wish….” She shook her head.
“What?”
“It’s silly,” she said as she sniffled. “I only wish his father could have been here to see it. To see the man he’s become. To see the men they’ve all become. He would have loved it. He would have loved you, if only for how happy Kelly was and will be again. But I know my husband. You would have been so much more to him.”
I gnawed on my bottom lip. Then, “I have something for you.”
She looked startled. “You do? Oh, Robbie. I don’t need anything. I—”
I shook my head. “It’s not a gift. It’s something that belongs to you. Something that should have been yours a long time ago. I’m only going to return i
t. Give me a second, okay? I’ll be right back.”
She nodded, taking the cloth back from me. I left her as she hummed quietly, taking her son’s hand and rubbing her thumb over his palm.
As I descended the stairs, I could hear Rico, Chris, and Tanner bickering in the kitchen. Jessie was in the backyard with Dominique, setting up the table for Sunday Tradition. Mark, Gordo, Joe, and Ox were in the office on the first floor, door open. They looked up as I passed, but I didn’t stop. Carter and the timber wolf stood in the front of the house, Carter telling the wolf that Kelly wasn’t dying and he didn’t even know why the wolf was worried to begin with. The wolf grumbled in response.
I went down to the basement.
Sitting next to the cot was my backpack.
I lifted it up over my shoulder, hoping I was doing the right thing.
Elizabeth stopped singing when I walked back into the room. I kneeled before her on the floor because she was a queen, and she deserved my respect. I placed my forehead against her leg, and her hand went to my hair. “What’s this?” she asked.
I breathed and breathed and breathed.
I sat back as she dropped her hand. She watched me curiously.
I pulled the backpack around, clutching it tightly. “This is all I have.”
“Is it? I don’t believe that for a moment. You have so much more than could fit into such a little bag.”
I shook my head. “You said that memories aren’t the most important thing. And maybe you’re right. But sometimes they are important. And these are my memories. Everything I have.” I had to force myself to hand it over to her. She waited until I let it go before pulling it into her lap. “Open it.”
She did without question, and I thought I loved her for it.
“Oh,” she said as she peered inside. “Oh, oh. Look. Robbie. Look.” She pulled out the stone wolf. Kelly’s wolf. “After all this time?”
I nodded. “I thought it was mine.”
“It is yours,” she said. “Because it was given to you. On a bright and sunny day. Kelly was nervous. He asked me if I thought you’d accept it. I told him I believed you would with all my heart. He didn’t know that you’d already come to me a few days before to ask me the same thing.”