“I don’t know how to explain it, but . . .” She paused so long, I didn’t know if she was going to finish her thought.
“Yeah?” I waited, not sure what she was going to say, but knowing I wanted to hear it.
“I feel like my heart is connected to yours.”
I closed my eyes and kept rubbing her back. I knew what she meant. It was like some spiritual force had brought us together, and now I couldn’t be without her. I didn’t want to be.
“I feel it too, Soph,” I said tightening my grip on her. “I feel it too.”
We got up early, so Abe could get our new cell phones before heading back to Oklahoma. Cal questioned him about the trip, and Abe told him something about tying up loose ends. He left out the part about breaking the law multiple times in order to get false documents so I could enroll in school.
Instead of badgering him, Cal seemed to silently understand the importance of Abe going back home for a couple of days. That was one of the things I really liked about Cal. He treated Abe like a man, like he could make his own decisions.
Neither one of us liked lying to Cal and Tonya after they had been so nice to us, but what were we going to tell them, the truth? They’d turn us in for sure, and neither of us were of age. Not to mention, the kind of trouble Abe would be in for taking me with him, instead of dropping me off at the hospital, or turning me over to the authorities. Telling the truth at this point wasn’t something that would help either of us. It would only send me into a system that Abe had worked so hard to get out of, and most likely leave him behind bars.
Right before he left, I remembered my birthday. The memory was fleeting, but like a flip book in my head, I saw a party at the skating rink—I was eight years old. The decorations were purple and pink. The streamers and balloons covered the party room and I had many friends in attendance. I couldn’t remember any of their names, but I could see them. October twenty-sixth was the date. The memory vanished almost as soon as it came to me, but not without extending an important piece of information.
“I remember my birthday.” I smiled at Abe as he was throwing his duffle bag in the passenger side of his truck. I knew he’d be excited about it. His smile always grew and his eyes twinkled as if I’d just given him a present. He made me feel like I’d just come in first place in a race, even though I was just working my way through my own memories.
“Really? When is it?”
“October the twenty-sixth.”
His facial expression wasn’t what I was expecting. He seemed surprised. “Are you serious?”
“Yes, I remembered a birthday party I had when I was younger. I couldn’t remember any of the people that were there, but it was at a skating rink and I remembered the date.”
“That’s the same day as my birthday.”
“Shut up.” I laughed.
“I’m not joking.” His smile was beautiful.
“I guess we have more in common than we thought.” Sharing something as personal as the day we were born only made me feel more connected to him. Thinking about how much I needed him made me worry more about the fact he was going back to the place that garnered such horrible memories. I didn’t want him in that environment ever again. I wanted him safe, the same way he wanted me safe. “Please be careful and call me whenever you can.”
I’d decided earlier against voicing all of my concerns. He’d been off all morning, and I knew it was because he was anxious about going home. I figured me talking about it more would only make him feel worse. I could already tell he worried about me, and the last thing I wanted to do was add to his restlessness.
“I will. Go spend some time with Tonya. She’ll keep you busy.” He winked at me as he pulled out of the driveway.
I spent the day with Tonya, as Abe had suggested, and she definitely kept me entertained. We ran errands in town and she showed me around more of the property. I was getting more comfortable with her. She was sort of like an older sister. She pointed out cool boutiques and promised to bring me to them in the future. I also saw where the mayor lived, and some famous bull rider. I wasn’t familiar with the man, but he’d retired from the PBR a year ago, and she said she’d introduce me to him soon. Apparently, he and Cal were pretty good friends.
I missed Abe throughout the day, but especially at night, alone in the empty house. We’d texted often, but it mainly consisted of him reassuring me everything would be okay. I told him I missed him, even though it made me look pathetic, and he surprised me by telling me he missed me too.
I wasn’t sure how to start a fire, so I just grabbed a blanket from the closet and sprawled out on the couch. The last thing I needed was to burn down Cal and Tonya’s bunk house. I turned the television on, but didn’t watch it. My mind raced and my stomach balled up from nerves. I hadn’t considered myself a pessimistic person, yet I was only considering Abe being hurt in some way.
I made sure to lock every door and window, feeling okay enough not to call Tonya once I’d decided to try and sleep. In my mind, being in the living room made sense, as I could see most of the house from there. At least, I would be able to hear anything out of the ordinary. I gripped the fire iron I’d taken from the fire place and closed my eyes. It wasn’t as if I needed a weapon, but it calmed my nerves knowing I had something just in case.
I must have fallen asleep because my phone roused me. “Hello?”
“Hey, were you sleeping?”
I looked at the clock to see it was midnight. “No. Are you okay?” I asked, rising up.
“I’m good. I think I’ll have everything we need tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry you had to go back there.”
“Don’t worry about me. How are you? Is everything all right?”
“Yes, I stayed out with Tonya most of the day.” I pulled at a string on the blanket.
“Good. Hopefully, you can start school on Monday.”
“Okay.” I didn’t want to talk about school. School was the absolute last thing on my mind. I wanted him with me. I wanted him away from his past.
“Umm, I need to make sure something is okay with you.” His voice was quiet and a little unsure.
“What is it?”
“Since we don’t know your last name, I used mine for your documents. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, I mean, I can’t remember mine and I have to have one, right?”
“Right. If you remember it, we’ll do what we have to do, yeah?”
“Okay. What was it like? Going back there?” I knew he wouldn’t want to talk about it, but I had to ask. I needed him to reassure me.
The silence only confirmed my suspicion. Finally, he answered. “Intense.”
“Did you have to fight him again?”
“No. I basically walked in and told him what he was going to help me do, and that was it. He gave me some names and I contacted them so I could get the documents we needed.”
He didn’t elaborate, and I knew it couldn’t have been that easy. But I wouldn’t pry it out of him. The last thing I wanted was to create more space between us.
What we were doing felt wrong. I couldn’t imagine knowing anyone who had a false identity. But, after talking about it so much, wishing we had another choice, neither of us saw one.
“Abe, I’m scared. What if we get caught?”
“Trust me.” He sighed into the phone, making me think he was not only physically tired from traveling, but mentally as well. “We’re only doing what we’ve got to do. You need to be in school.”
“I do trust you. I’m just ready for you to be back here. I don’t like us being separated.”
“Me either. I won’t sleep worth a damn tonight.”
“I’m sleeping on the couch,” I confessed.
“Just remember Tonya is only a phone call away. Keep the TV on. That might help.” I could tell he was preoccupied because I heard rustling in the background. “Listen, I’m going to go so I can call this guy back. I’m leaving here as soon as possible. I’ll call you tomorrow. Sleep
well.”
“Okay, you too.”
“Soph?”
“Yes?”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” I smiled at his confession and hung up, snuggling into the oversized couch.
I felt a million times better after I talked to him and received confirmation that he was okay. I realized I felt more relief from hearing his voice than I did when I remembered my birthday. I guess my brain wasn’t ready for me to know all of my past, but my heart was beating a mile a minute for my present.
I didn’t sleep at all. Tossing and turning, I only succeeded in giving myself a neck cramp. At six o’clock, I threw the towel in and cleaned. Deep cleaned. I washed walls and base boards. I even cleaned the older mini-blinds one by one. The house wasn’t that big, so it didn’t take near as long as I would’ve liked. I wanted to stay busy so my mind wouldn’t wander, replaying the worst case scenarios. Once I had the bathroom done, I made myself a sandwich. I wasn’t even hungry, I just needed to fill the time until Abe would be home.
I refused to go to Tonya’s again, as I knew I needed to stay by myself in order to face my fears and not let them define me. I had to be strong, so I could stop depending on Abe for all of my needs. It was as if he was still carrying me, like the night he’d saved me. He’d been through so much more than I had. Heck, he’d had a lifetime of violence and mistreatment. I’d only suffered it for a week at most. I wanted to be the safe haven for him. I wanted to give him what he’d given me.
The one good thing to come out of the whole ordeal, was I’d learned a few things about myself. First off, I was a hell of a lot stronger than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes, when I laid awake at night, I would reminisce about the nights in the basement, cringing because I knew I’d actually experienced it.
There was one night in particular when I realized I hadn’t accepted it. I’d been baffled, almost incapable of rational thought. My brain was scattered and my nerves palpable. I kept replaying the events, trying to come up with a reason for why all of it had happened. Nothing I thought of made sense. It made me feel weak and somewhat crazy. I stewed in my doubts and fear, almost getting caught up in the self-pity. There was a part of me that knew my innocence had been lost, yet I wasn’t sure what part of me it was.
Jim and Pat broke something in me. In a matter of days, they broke part of my spirit. It was wild that one moment could come between your sanity and your heart. I had to figure it all out. See the tragedy for what it was. I didn’t want to be broken. I wanted to live my life, because being inside of my own head with only myself for company was not fun. I had to make new memories, have new experiences to fill up the space, so the bad ones didn’t overtake me. Abe told me that was how he dealt with it and it made sense.
For the first couple of days, it was as though nothing I did quashed the terror and confusion. But when Abe opened up with me about his experiences it helped me sort through mine. I wasn’t as ashamed, or disconnected from it. He’d gone through the same things I had. There weren’t many people who could say that. There were days our emotions were so intertwined, I wasn’t sure if they were mine or his, I just knew I felt them.
Secondly, I was slowly but surely convincing myself my previous family wasn’t the best. Accepting that hurt. With no one searching for me, I had no choice but to believe they hadn’t missed me. Add in the fact that there were no documents of anyone reporting me as a missing person, and I couldn’t help but be disappointed.
And lastly, it was amazing to know I could live through something so life changing, and eventually love myself, even though I had to become someone new. I felt so much older than sixteen. Honestly, I felt like I’d already lived two lives, even if I had no clue what the first one was like. My emotions were intense; they were overpowering. If I thought about it too much, it would overwhelm me. So mostly, I would concentrate on the day to day stuff.
Every day, I woke up with one thought: starting over. I had no choice but to begin anew. It was either that, or curl up and die a slow death from a mental breakdown. My will power was stronger than that. I wanted to show Abe and myself what I was made of. I wanted to become someone who’d walk taller, be more compassionate, and realize that even though tragedy struck in random ways, it did not have to define a person. It didn’t have to define me.
Relying on Abe for everything in my life was not healthy for my mental or emotional state. After nearly having a complete and total meltdown when I’d learned he was leaving for a few days, I had a reality check. I couldn’t push a pause button on my life. It had to move forward. What was I going to do at school? What would happen when we were adults for real? As it turned out, being alone with my thoughts actually helped me a little. Those were things I hadn’t even considered.
I didn’t want my day to begin and end because I didn’t have the cognitive skills to exist in life on my own. I wanted to be as resilient as him. I wanted Abe to be proud of me for pushing through and being independent, not constantly being a hindrance. He never made me feel that way, but I wanted to carry my own weight. I was tired of feeling like a victim. My bruises were fading. My scrapes were healing. My wrists were scarred, but they were only reminders of bad memories. None of those things were my present, thanks to him.
The tears still fell at random, but I was coming to realize it may be something I just had to deal with. I wasn’t a doctor by any means, but common sense told me since I’d never be able to forget, I’d occasionally be sad or angry about it. It felt better to let it out than it did to keep it buried inside, so I went with it.
Although, I hated when Abe saw me cry because the hurt in his eyes only made me more upset. I knew he felt guilty because he had a direct tie to Jim and Pat. I tried to make him see things from my point of view and the fact that had he not been there, something far worse could have happened. I would still be there. He tried to make me feel better by hugging me, kissing my forehead, or rubbing my shoulders. Not that I wasn’t coming to love the times we touched, but I wanted his affection because he cared about me, not because he felt sorry for me, or guilty for something he had no control over.
Finally, at five-thirty in the afternoon he pulled up the gravel drive. I’d been so relieved to see him, I met him at the door. I knew it probably looked desperate, but I needed to hug him, knowing he’d never confide in me how truly awful going back to the people who abused him had actually been. I couldn’t imagine the things he’d anticipated in the hours he’d spent in the truck on the way there. He was a deep thinker, analyzing every possible scenario to each new situation.
“Hey.” I opened my arms wide, giving him no choice but to walk into them.
“Hey. I got everything we need,” he said, pulling me into his hard body.
“Thank you.” It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
He smiled and ushered me inside the house. After dropping his bag at the door, he led me into the living room by the hand. I noticed a manila envelope in his other hand. As we took a seat on the couch, he opened it, seeming excited that we had what we needed. “This should work. The same guy that made my fake ID got them for me,” he said handing me a piece of paper.
“Sophia Scott,” I said mostly to myself.
He took my whisper wrong. “I’m sorry, but you had to have a last name and I just thought since we were acting like brother and sister, this would make it so we don’t have to explain anything.”
“I like it. It has my birth date as well.” I looked up to him and gave him a big smile. “We’ll have to have a big party this year.”
For the first time since he’d returned, I really looked at him. I’d been so happy to see him in the flesh, I hadn’t paid much attention to his body language at first. His back was tense, his facial expression subdued. I didn’t like the uneasy feeling I had as he nodded, almost agreeing to whatever I said so I would stop talking. I wanted to question him, but then I considered the fact that maybe he just didn’t want to talk about it. There was no telling w
hat he’d gone through to get everything for me.
“So, I can register tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I’ll take you, or you can go with Tonya since her mom works there.”
“I’ll just have her take me so you don’t have to take off work anymore.” There was no way I was asking more from him.
“That works. Maybe some normalcy will help you remember more.”
“I hope so. It’s exhausting trying to think of something that may trigger something else.”
“I know,” he said, rubbing my back. “It’ll get better.”
I wanted to be the kind of person who wouldn’t make someone discuss something they didn’t want to. I wanted to be supportive, because he needed it. But, I had to know. I had to make sure they hadn’t hurt him. “What did Pat and Jim say when you got there? Was it difficult?” I was picking at an old scab and I could tell he was only humoring me.
“They didn’t want to help at first, but I threatened them with the police. It wasn’t difficult, Soph. I know how to handle them.” He was just trying to protect me.
I nodded my head, looking down at all the paperwork, and decided to leave well enough alone.
“What do you say we go out for dinner? Let’s just try to forget about everything for one night. Let’s go explore.”
“But you just got home. Aren’t you tired?”
“Nah, I’m good. Go change, I’m hungry.” He smiled at me.
“Of course you are.”
I knew it wasn’t a date, but that didn’t keep the butterflies from turning my stomach upside-down. I pushed the thoughts away of trying to impress him. I couldn’t focus on all of that when we had everything else going on. It still didn’t stop me from pairing a mini skirt with an off the shoulder tank top Tonya had given me. My toenail polish still looked fairly decent, so I went with flip-flops. After brushing my teeth and hair, I walked out, secretly ready to gauge his reaction.
Holy hell. I barely held my groan in as Sophia walked into the bedroom. I had never seen anything so mesmerizing. I’d had a brief moment where I thought I could keep her; it seemed we were where we were supposed to be. Her long blonde hair was pulled to the side, sweeping over her right shoulder. The skirt was short and made her tan, smooth legs look like they would melt in my mouth.
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