“Aubrey. I’m here.” The voice is stronger now. I can hear it more clearly.
Bwee! Bwee!
“Adley!” An unrecognizable shrill fills the air with my screams. “Adley, I’m so sorry!” The pain in my chest tightens with the memory of her lying there on the floor, lifeless. With my eyes closed tightly, I cover them with my hands as I cry, knowing that I’m trapped somewhere between the past and the present. My head shakes back and forth as I try to clear my mind and find my way. It’s so dark here.
A blanket encompasses my body as two strong hands grab tightly onto my shoulders and pulls me into two even stronger arms. “Shhhh…shhhh...I’m here, sweetheart,” the voice coos. “You’ve got to breathe, babe, or you’re going to pass out again.”
Eyes still cemented shut, I force an inhale and a soothing scent washes over me, instantly replacing the bitter coldness with the warmth of familiarity.
Kaeleb.
Through the blanket, I fist his stupid hoodie and pull him as close to me as I can. The heat from his hand sifts through my hair as I hold onto him tightly, breathing him in until my chest expands and the pressure finally releases. And just like with Quinn, in this moment another tiny fracture splits open and the warmth that surrounds me seeps into my cold heart, reigniting the space that he had claimed so many years ago.
“I miss her so much, Kaeleb,” I mumble into his chest, finally finding my way back into the present. I watch from afar as the door closes, shutting the past away, but not the pain. It’s still very much here and alive within me. “It hurts.”
“I know it does.” Sobs escape me and his arms tighten around my body. “Let it out, Bree. You have to. You need to.”
Unable to fight the memory of the loss of my sister any longer, I’m given no choice other than to let the emotions flow. Each replay that flashes in my mind of her lying there on the cold floor shreds my chest to pieces. The pain is agonizing.
I cry my way through, until the memory finally recedes and there are no tears left to cry, and even after that my body still shakes with silent sobs as Kaeleb continues to hold me the entire time.
By the time I’m completely done with my release, I’m sitting in Kaeleb’s lap with his arms still around me and his chin upon my head. With my cheek lying against his chest, I listen as the rhythmic beating of his heart draws me dangerously close to sleep.
Through the slits in my eyes, it becomes obvious to me that I’ve have been taken to an office of sorts. I’m assuming it’s an office, based on the diplomas and certificates hanging on the wall in front of me, but I haven’t read them. I’ve been focusing on the cracks in the leather of the couch we’ve been sitting on for God only knows how long with a blanket wrapped around me, offering a small comfort within its warmth.
After a while, I let out a long exhale.
“Do you remember her?” I probe, my voice thick.
“Hmmm?” Kaeleb’s chest vibrates against my cheek.
“Adley. Do you remember her?”
My head rises with his deep breath. “I do.”
Finding security as I twist the fringe of the blanket around my index finger, I ask, “Do you remember me?”
His answer is instantaneous. “How could I ever forget you?”
My breath stills with the candor of his statement and guilt floods my being, all too aware of how I willingly banned him from my memories long ago.
“When did you know?”
Another inhale. “The first night I saw you in the dorm.”
I run through our interactions since that night and immediately want to smack my forehead for being so oblivious. His constant emphasis on the name Raven, the fact that he never once asked me about my family or my past, the stupid skating accident where he took many dishonest liberties while recounting—every one of them so obvious now.
“Why didn’t you just tell me? I feel so stupid.”
The leather creaks under Kaeleb’s weight as he shifts underneath me, pressing me away from his chest and curling his fingers over my shoulders. His thumbs dig into my flesh, and his eyes are firm when they lock onto mine. “I couldn’t just tell you.”
He clenches his jaw tightly and shakes his head. “Jesus, Bree…I had to keep it to myself until I felt you could handle it. Handle me. And you still passed out even though it’s been months now. Could you imagine if I’d said something to you that first night, without giving you time to know me again?”
Point taken.
“I dropped little hints here and there, but when you didn’t catch on, I started making them more obvious hoping you would figure it out on your own. But you didn’t. Or wouldn’t. So I decided to just tell you. I couldn’t keep it inside any longer. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
I nod slightly, accepting his answer. How can I not? He’s absolutely right.
“I knew,” I respond through a ragged breath. “When you saw the scar, I knew. Deep down. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself, I think. It was too much. It’s still too much, actually.”
Kaeleb releases one of my shoulders and runs his hand over my hair while giving me a soft smile. “Hey…you survived my telling you. That’s a start.” He lifts his hand to graze my cheek with his knuckle and after a deep inhale, he adds, “God, I’ve missed you. So much.”
His arms are once again around me as he pulls me back in for an embrace. Hesitantly, I settle my cheek on his shoulder, the whole encounter this morning running through my mind. As I mentally recall his actions, his words, a couple of statements jump out at me.
“Did you call me sweetheart?”
Kaeleb’s shoulders bob with silent laughter. “I did.”
“And babe?”
“As I recall.”
This time it’s me who pushes away to get a better view of his face. My left eyebrow rises. “Why would you do that?” He continues laughing. “Seriously, Kaeleb. I’m not one of your harem. Don’t expect me to follow you around, fanning you with feathers just because you called me some patronizing terms of endearment.”
“Okaaaaay,” he relents, tapping his finger against his chin in thought. “I’m assuming gorgeous is off the table?”
I cock my head and give him a deadpan expression, which results in more of his obnoxious laughter until his lips finally settle into a thoughtful smile. “What if I call you Sunshine? It’s not demeaning in the least. And I’ll go ahead and keep that one specifically reserved for you, since, you know, you’re not part of my harem and all.” His eyes tighten a fraction when he adds, “I’m officially offended by the way.”
My head jerks a little at his suggestion. Sunshine? I’m anything but a warm ray of sunshine. I’m dark, dreary, morbid. Definitely not sunshine material.
As though reading my mind, Kaeleb offers, “You’ve always been my sunshine. Ever since we were kids.” He tightens his gaze. “I know you’re still in there, Bree. And I will find you.”
Just as the intensity of the moment peaks, he offers me a crooked smile. “You are gorgeous by the way.” His grin widens as he raises his hand, his thumb brushing lightly across the tiny skull pierced into my dimple. “Even though you jacked up your face with all those piercings and dyed the shit out of your hair. Don’t even get me started on the contacts.”
I narrow my eyes, but I can’t fight the smile that breaks across my face as I punch him in the shoulder, his infectious laughter filling the room.
Sigh.
I’ve missed you too, Kaeleb.
Session 1:
(Two Months ago, approximately 2.5 seconds after Kaeleb was forced out of Palmer’s office)
Palmer: So what happened out there?
Me: (Shivers and wraps blanket tighter, noting it still smells like Kaeleb) No idea.
Palmer: I think you do have an idea. What happened?
Me: I had an out of body experience. (Which regretfully, I did)
Palmer: Is this because Kaeleb referred to you as…Aubrey?
Me: (Grips blanket tighter) What? How did y
ou know about that?
Palmer: (Emotionless) I know a lot about you. (Sighs) You see, your guardian Linda and I are friends, lifelong friends actually, and you taking this course was no accident. She contacted me once you received your acceptance letter, asking me to keep an eye on you. She filled me in on your history as well as your refusal to continue with therapy. She was worried about you making a successful transition, so I suggested the course as a means of monitoring you from afar while here at Titan.
Me: (Sneaky, Linda. Reeeeeal sneaky) My history? Am I your patient now? What are you anyway?
Palmer: Yes, I am a psychologist if that’s what you’re thinking. But no, you’re not my patient. I no longer practice formal therapy.
Me: So what the hell am I doing here?
Palmer: (Leans forward in chair, elbows on knees, fingers interlaced and hanging) Well, if I remember correctly, you passed out on the lawn during the Bubble Exercise. You were brought to my office as a means of recuperation. Mr. McMadden was adamant in his refusal to leave until you came to, so I allowed him to stay while I finished out the remainder of class. When class was over, I came back. You were awake, and now we’re here, discussing why you lost consciousness during this particular session of class. (Cocks head) How’s that?
Me: (Wow, Dr. Palmer is feisty) It’s nothing. I just didn’t eat all day and it was freezing out there. It was too much for my body to handle.
Palmer: Bull.
Me: Bull?
Palmer: Yes, bull. (Sighs) Listen, I can’t make you tell me anything you aren’t comfortable sharing. What I can do is tell you that I’m here, every day from twelve o’clock to three, and five o’clock to seven. If you would like someone to talk to, if you need someone to talk to, I am here and readily available. No patient bullshit, just here. To listen.
Me: (Nods blankly) Um, thanks. (Grabs backpack) But I wouldn’t plan on it. Things are going well and I’m doing fine.
Palmer: (Nods back) Well, if anything changes…
Me: It won’t. (Leaves and throws blanket onto the floor)
Session 2:
(The very next day, 12:00 on the dot)
Me: (Knocks)
Palmer: Hello…Aubrey. Come in.
Me: (Steps in and plops down on couch, grabbing my new favorite blanket and wrapping it around me) Um, so this is just like a venting thing. No prescriptions written, no notes or recordings, none of that jazz?
Palmer: (Takes seat across from me, strokes his stark white beard while eyeing my hold on the blanket.) Yes.
Me: (Breathes in deeply and also notes how much he looks like Santa Claus in his red sweater) Okay, um, well… it’s just…with Kaeleb knowing who I am, it’s becoming more difficult to block things out. Like, certain feelings and thoughts about my past.
Palmer: And who is Kaeleb to you exactly? Linda never mentioned him.
Me: She wouldn’t have. She only met him a few times when we were kids. She doesn’t even know he’s here. (Sighs) I guess I figured that you knew something though, since we were always assigned together. Either that or because of our last names.
Palmer: (Smiles and reclines in his chair) No. I assigned you together because you seemed to trust him more than the others in the class.
Me: Hmm…I guess that’s true. I knew Kaeleb before my parents died; before I went to live with Linda. We were best friends.
Palmer: Yes, he mentioned the same thing yesterday when I approached him.
Me: (Mouth wide open) Then why did you ask?
Palmer: I just wanted your perception on the relationship.
Me: (Narrow eyes) Anyway…when he used my name yesterday, I remembered something about my sister. And that memory haunted me all night last night and this morning. I used to be able to block out the pain, but I can’t seem to push it away this time. I just…well, I just wanted to tell someone about it.
Palmer: (Nods) Well, I told you I was available. I’m glad you decided to take me up on my offer.
Me: (Shrugs shoulders)
Palmer: And what about Kaeleb? Do you also trust him enough to discuss your past? To let him into that part of your life?
Me: Yes, he was there. It’s not like he doesn’t know what happened…to them.
Palmer: Well, it seems to me that Kaeleb has triggered something within you that refuses to let the past escape you any longer. Perhaps it’s time to allow yourself to experience the pain of your family’s deaths and come to terms with them. Perhaps you need to let go of Raven, and reacquaint yourself with Aubrey. With who you really are.
Me: No, I can’t. That’s not a possibility.
Palmer: Why is that? What’s wrong with Aubrey?
Me: Aubrey is dead.
Palmer: (Nods) I see. And Raven?
Me: (Twists fringe on the blanket around finger) Raven saved me. Saved many people actually. (Looks Palmer directly in the eyes) Aubrey caused death. Raven prevents it.
Palmer: How so?
Me: As long as I’m Raven, I’m labeled a freak. People typically won’t get within a five foot radius of me. I have no relationships, therefore, I can’t cause any more death.
Palmer: (Inhales and exhales) What about Kaeleb?
Me: I tried to keep him away. (Chin quivers) And Quinn too. My roommate.
Palmer: I see. (Sighs) Humans by nature are social creatures, Aubrey. Relationships are needed to sustain life and happiness. Perhaps your inability to avoid Kaeleb and Quinn is merely your inherent need for human interaction.
Me: I guess. Or perhaps Kaeleb and Quinn just wore me down until I had no choice other than to let them into my morbid existence.
Palmer: (Chuckles) Perhaps.
Me: So…
Palmer: So…back to why you’re here. (Clears throat) These feelings you’re experiencing, that you’re unable to repress, I think it’s time to acknowledge them. Life is about balance, Aubrey. You have moments in your life that have been too painful for you to mentally accept and overcome, so you block them for your own protection, but there is so much that you also suppress along with them. Life, love, relationships, happiness…these are all things that can counter the negative, making the pain bearable and I think once you find that balance, you will be able to cope with your past.
Me: (Swallows) This is starting to feel dangerously like a therapy session.
Palmer: No. That’s just my advice as your friend. Take it or leave it.
Me: Friend?
Palmer: Yes, imagine that. Three new friends all in the matter of months. There may be hope for you yet, my dear.
Me: (Smiles) Maybe. But don’t count on it.
Palmer: (Laughs)
Session 12:
(One month ago)
Palmer: Thank you for trusting me with the actual story of your sister’s passing. I know that was difficult for you.
Me: (Wipes tears and pulls blanket tighter around shoulders) It was. It’s still painful, though. It physically hurts to talk about it.
Palmer: Which is to be expected. The wound is still very raw, but the more you acknowledge the memory and discuss it, you will find the experience to be less trying. Now, let’s balance.
Me: (Clears throat) Well, um, she was very beautiful. Angelic almost with her huge blue eyes and her golden blonde hair. She was filled with so much life. It encapsulated her. And energy…God, I used to laugh so hard at her. She would always shake her tiny bottom in my face and giggle. Her laughter. Her giggles. (Smiles widely) They were absolutely contagious. Still are evidently.
Palmer: (Grins back) Yes, it seems they are. How do you feel now? Talking about her in a more positive light?
Me: (Inhales) Better.
Palmer: Good. Let’s try diving into uncharted territory. Your mother. Her death. Do you think you can discuss it?
Me: Not sure, I’ll try though.(Exhales) Um, she died, obviously.
Palmer: (Expressionless)
Me: My father said she died of a broken heart. Not too long after Adley. I didn’t see her much after that because she lo
cked herself in their room and wouldn’t come out for days at a time. She refused to eat. She wouldn’t talk to me or my father. She just ceased to exist until one day she just…didn’t.
Palmer: (Inhales and exhales deeply) And your feelings about that?
Me: (Shrugs shoulders) It hurts, you know? That she chose that path, that I wasn’t enough for her to want to live. But in essence, I was the reason Adley died, so I guess I can see why. And I guess you can say that I’m the reason my mother died as well.
Palmer: (Shakes head) You were not the reason Adley died. Accidents happen. This one, unfortunately, ended in a regrettable way, but they do happen. There were many other factors involved. Your parents, for instance, should have been watching her. You were six years old, Aubrey. That responsibility was not yours to bear. And like you already stated, your mother’s death was her choice. Hers. Neither was your fault. You need to come to terms with that and accept it or we will never be able to get you past this atypical fear of death.
Me: (Sighs loudly) Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that.
Palmer: (Growls) Okay. For now. (Steeples his fingers) Can we move into your father’s death then?
Me: No.
Palmer. (Eyebrows raise) No?
Me: No.
Palmer: Do you know when you will be comfortable discussing his passing?
Me: Never.
Session 23:
(Two days ago, right after final exams)
Palmer: Your hair is lighter today. And the brown contacts could actually pass for normal. It’s a good look for you.
Me: (Fingers bottom of hair)Yeah. I just wanted to try something different.
Palmer: (Fails miserably at hiding his grin) So, how did your exams go?
Me: They went well, I think.
Palmer: Your coursework…not easy classes. Why did you choose them?
Me: Honestly?
Palmer: (Nods)
Me: Well, I’ve always excelled in the sciences, so the courses just seemed the obvious choices.
Palmer: (Cocks eyebrow)
Me: (Sighs) And the fact that I wouldn’t have to work with other people, or depend on their participation in stupid projects, definitely was part of the reason I chose them.
The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller Page 8