Facing forward, my hands find their way to my lap as I inhale deeply. “Yeah, she’s had a rough couple of months.”
“Is she okay?”
Exhaling, I ponder Linda’s question before answering.
“I hope so. I really hope so.”
Silence fills the car until Linda finally breaks it with a deep breath through her nose.
“So…wanna go get a hot fudge sundae?”
Her head turns in my direction and a breath catches in my throat. Anxiety begins to creep into my chest, and my fingers absently glide along its center to ease the sudden pressure, but there’s no relief from the movement. My trembling hands find the seat underneath my legs as a very familiar fear, one which I haven’t felt in a very long time, begins to filter through my body.
“Um, no, I don’t want to go anywhere near a hot fudge sundae, actually.” I turn away from her, trying desperately to maintain my composure and focus on the hustle and bustle of the city through the window. Anything to stop the terror dictating my rapid heartbeat.
Hot fudge sundaes are always Linda’s go-to strategy when she’s about to break some really bad news. It started long ago with poor Walter, and consisted of a lengthy, in-depth introduction to chocolate toxicity as she tried to assure me his death wasn’t my fault. The meetings have, unfortunately, continued on throughout the years.
Therefore, the mention of hot fudge sundaes means that something is terribly wrong. And whatever it is, it’s vibrating the air all around us. I can feel it clear down to the marrow in my bones as the heaviness of unbridled anger and well-known terror begins to coat my lungs.
I can’t breathe.
God, I can’t breathe.
“Aubrey—”
“NO!” I scream, the pressure inside my chest tightening as I twist back to her. “Just tell me, Linda! I don’t need a fucking sundae to make it all better!”
She grips the wheel tightly and jerks the car to the left, crossing two traffic lanes until we finally coast to a stop alongside the road. Throwing the car in park, she turns and faces me, her own anger evident as her eyes narrow in my direction and her lips tighten into a thin line. I hold her stare, panting from my outburst, fury framing my features as we glare at each other.
Shaking my head, I mutter, “Just tell me.”
Her face soon falls from that of irritation into one of defeat as she reaches over and pries my hand out from under my leg. Stroking it softly, she says, “I didn’t want to do this here, but I don’t know when I will see you next and it needs to be discussed. It’s something that affects both of us greatly.” Her hand squeezes mine and she exhales deeply. “And I sure as hell didn’t want to do it in the car, on the side of the road.”
I say nothing in return, but my mind is screaming in such anguish I’m forced to close my eyes.
Tightening her grip, she takes in another breath and clears her throat. “I have been diagnosed with stage II lung cancer.”
I open my eyes and jerk my hand out from underneath hers. “No.”
“Yes, Aubrey.” Linda draws her hand back into her lap and continues to nervously watch my reaction from across the vehicle. “I knew back in late January actually, but I didn’t want to say anything until I found out the prognosis and treatment options. February came and went, and now it’s the beginning of March and it’s time.” She swallows deeply. “I’ll be starting radiation next week, and surgery soon after that.”
“So…Christmas…not bronchitis?” I ask with no emotion in my tone as all the pieces fall together.
Linda shrugs her shoulders. “Not bronchitis.”
“You haven’t smoked a cigarette in your life.”
“I know. Sometimes it just happens.”
You mean, I just happen.
The thought lances my brain, the pain of its implications throbbing inside my head. My throat swells even more, and the pressure beneath my ribcage almost implodes as my walls begin to reform. I can feel them mechanically hardening around my heart, furiously trying to suffocate any hope that I ever had for having a normal life.
“Are you going to be okay?” I barely manage to squeeze through my gritted teeth.
Linda’s face falls. “I sure hope so, honey.”
Moisture lines her eyes, but she nods slightly. Reaching over, she takes my hand from my lap and squeezes it gently. “I will fight this,” she says, her tone full of determination. The tears are finally expelled from her eyes and slide down her pained expression as my chest squeezes like a vise, further constricting my breaths.
I give her a slight nod and place my other hand on top of hers. “I know you will.”
But because of me, you will lose.
Guilt floods me.
I can’t breathe.
Forcing my gaze at the windshield, I make no further attempt to speak. My heart rate slows and my skin grows cold, the heat from my anger lessening as I force myself to go completely numb.
It hurts too much.
I cast my glance to the window and swallow deeply as I shift in my seat, once again facing forward. “Linda, would you mind taking me home? I’m not feeling so well.”
She sniffles beside me, but nods her head and shifts into drive. Her hand remains clutched around mine the entire way home. Ten minutes later, we pull up to my apartment complex and I say nothing as I open the door, placing my foot on the pavement. Linda opens her own door to join me, but I raise my hand, stopping her as soon as she stands.
My voice is soft with my plea. “Please, Linda. I just need some time. To process…all of this.”
Her lips curl into themselves and with a saddened expression, she dips her head in acceptance before reluctantly sliding back into the car. I turn away from her and slowly begin my ascent up the stairs, sighing with relief as the sound of the gravel crunches underneath her tires. Her headlights no longer illuminate the stairwell as I trudge upward and make my way to the front door, completely encompassed in darkness as it tries to consume me.
Glancing at my window, one final spark of hope ignites in my heart.
Kaeleb.
Knowing he’s just inside my room, my need to feel him hurriedly drives my keys into the lock as I frantically turn the knob in an effort to race to the comfort of his arms. I’m teetering on the edge, barely able to breathe as I try to keep my head above the black abyss tugging at my feet. I can only pray his strength is enough to keep me safe as I throw open the door.
Slinging my jacket over the back of the couch, I start to run to my room when Walter barks at me from the floor. His high-pitched whines and needy whimpers pull me from my hurried frenzy. I can hardly make him out in the pitch black room as I crouch down and as he finds his way securely into my arms, the warmth from his drenched paws seeps through my leggings. Nuzzling him, I hold his body tightly while he licks my face, temporarily soothing my sorrow with his kisses. I breathe him in as he continues to stand on my lap and notice a familiar metallic scent coming from his coat.
My head jerks back to look at him, but even now that my eyes have adjusted I still can’t see much, so I lead him into the kitchen and flip on the light. Bending down once again and taking his paw into my hand, a surprised gasp escapes me when my eyes land on the blood coating his once golden fur. I immediately flip his foot over for examination, pressing the pads to see if there’s an open wound somewhere. He doesn’t whine, just continues licking my face as I glance over his other three paws. All coated in blood.
I set him on the floor and turn toward the cabinet to grab the first aid kit. After it’s retrieved, I twist back around, and for the first time tonight, as the light from the kitchen dimly displays the carpet in the living room, do I start to realize that the blood may not be Walter’s. My trembling hand places the kit on the counter as my eyes take in the bloodstained prints all over the beige berber, and with each new discovery, my heart rate picks up. I step out of the kitchen and crane my neck to the left, noting that the darkest and most pronounced of them are located on the other side o
f the room.
My heart lurches as I follow their trail and end up in front of Quinn’s bathroom.
No.
Swallowing deeply, fresh tears sting my eyes as I lean forward and press the door lightly with the tips of my fingers. It creaks slowly as it drifts, but Walter brushes by me, pushing it fully open as my hesitant steps follow him. The coppery smell of blood saturates the air, the familiarity of it causing my hand to quake as I reach toward the wall to flip on the light.
No. No. No. NO! NOO! NOOO! NOOOO!
“QUINN!!!!!!!!” I scream as I land on my knees, crawling to where she lies limply in the corner, with two pools of blood on either side of her body. Glancing down at her wrists, I can barely see through my tears as I take in the huge gashes running up them, blood still pumping through the gaping slashes. “QUINN!!!!!” I scream again, grabbing the pair of scissors from the floor, yanking the towel off the bar above her head before cutting and ripping it in two. Walter is whining and pawing at her chest so I push him to the side and force him to lie down so that I can straddle her body.
Setting her hand between my legs, my entire body trembles to the core as I clumsily fumble around, trying to tie one of the pieces of towel around her wrist. Sobs rack through my chest and moisture coats my face as I finally manage to tighten a knot, pulling the ends of the towel as hard as I can. Blood seeps through the fibers, its crimson color leaching through it like a rolling wave. I lift my hand and unsteadily swipe my chin with the heel of my hand before working on her other wrist. Walter whines again, his frustration from having to sit still echoing throughout the bathroom, and the sound prompts Quinn to lift her head.
Her voice is weak as she slurs, “I’m so tired, Aubrey.”
“Shhhh. Save your strength,” I warn as I glance at her through my tears. Another cry escapes me when I see the empty look on her extremely pale face. “I’m hurrying, Quinn. Hang on for me.”
She sighs almost drunkenly, her energy depleting with each pump of her heart. “She came back. That girl from the pictures. Always chanting. Whispering. Telling me things.” Her eyes break from the floor to meet mine. “Just let her take me. I’m too tired to her fight anymore…”
Upon the last word, she slumps over and an agonizing scream escapes me, the fire from its launch scraping through my throat as it releases.
Somehow through my wails, I hear a loud crash coming from my room.
Kaeleb.
“KAELEB!” My voice breaks mid-scream and I put both hands on the floor to press myself off of it, knowing that if I can just reach him, everything will be okay. Warmth coats my fingers as I push up and my hands slide forward in the red pools that surround them.
Grunting, I struggle to get my footing underneath me, finally finding some traction and pushing myself into a standing position. My hands rise in front of my eyes and I watch the dark red as it trickles slowly down my forearms, forming fat droplets as they fall and strike the floor.
My vision clouds with the sight of the blood, and as it continues to trail down my skin, the earth suddenly splits wide open from underneath me as my Level 5 memory bin explodes from its burial ground, pieces of shrapnel landing everywhere as the titanium door is blown off its hinges.
Pain and agony from the sole memory held within its casing erupts all around me like a geyser shooting from below the ground, blowing my mind into a realm that I never thought I would be forced to visit again.
My legs lose their strength and I hit the floor, barely finding Kaeleb’s frantic face before my eyes are forced shut, sealing me inside with no escape from my own tortured mind.
I run up the stairs as fast as I can.
Mommy’s friend Linda and I were on our way to a movie, but I asked her to turn around because I forgot to give Daddy his birthday card. She said I had ten minutes, so I have to hurry because she’s waiting in the car.
I really like Linda. She’s been taking me to do a lot of fun things lately. I think it’s because Daddy’s been really sad.
I like being with her because she makes me smile, even though I’m sad, too.
I miss Adley.
I miss Mommy.
And I miss Daddy, who just isn’t the same anymore. He hasn’t been since I was six.
He’s been visiting with a doctor to make him better, but he only seems to be getting worse. If he’s not locked in his office, he’s walking around the house, looking at the pictures of all of us together and talking to himself while he cries. Sometimes he talks to Adley and Mommy, but I try not to think about that. It scares me.
But I’m gonna make him smile today. It’s his birthday and I made him a card in my room. It’s on purple construction paper and I drew a picture of me, Adley, Mommy, and him right on the front. We’re all holding hands just like we used to. When things were happy.
When you open it up, there’s a big heart that I colored in pink marker and then I filled it with glitter and put a lot of my scratch and sniff stickers around the heart. Then right in the middle it says, I love you, Daddy! Happy Birthday! with a big smiley face. I worked really hard on it.
I hope it will make him happy. I miss when he’s happy. But maybe, just maybe, today will be a good day.
I can barely keep from jumping up and down as I open my bedroom door. I’m so excited.
Out of breath, I run to my desk and grab the card. Glitter falls all over the floor, so I make myself calm down so I don’t ruin it.
Turning slowly, I see an envelope sitting on my bed.
For me?
Now I’m even more excited!
I lay the card down and pick up the letter, tearing it open with a smile on my face.
After pulling the paper out, I unfold it and smile even wider.
It’s from my daddy.
Aubrey,
Please never doubt my love for you. But the pain…it’s just too much. I’m doing this to protect you from the absolute agony that is taking over my life. I know that I will never be the same. The person who I was will never be again. There is no hope for me. I’m broken, Aubrey. You will be better off this way. I know you will never understand this, and I don’t expect you to.
I just hope that someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me.
I love you.
I don’t understand what he’s saying. Maybe he’s just having another sad day.
I glance over at my card.
I bet that will make him feel better!
After grabbing it off the bed, I fling my door open and take the stairs two at a time.
Just as I land on the floor, I run toward Daddy’s office, knowing that’s where he will be.
But when I’m almost to the door, I hear a loud bang. It’s so loud, I fall to my knees, barely able to cover my ears because my whole body is shaking so hard.
What was that?
I’m so scared.
I’m so scared.
Crawling toward the door, my fingers shake as I push it open and my eyes fill with frightened tears. I look up and see nothing but smoke in the air and something red dripping from Daddy’s desk.
I can do nothing but watch as it falls, forming a dark puddle on the wood floor.
Oh no.
“Daddy!” I scream, but there’s no answer. Just the sound of the blood trickling as the puddle grows larger.
“Daddy!” I crawl to his desk as fast as I can. I’m crawling so fast I slip in the blood, sliding forward and landing on my elbows.
Blood. It’s everywhere. All over my hands. My arms. The front of my favorite blue dress that I wore just for Daddy’s birthday.
“NO! DADDY!” I grab onto his pant leg and pull myself up. When I see the sight of his slumped body – his face, his head, the blood – I cry out as loud as I can, but there’s no sound. Nothing comes out as I force myself to look away.
The ache in my chest tightens with a pain that I know well. The pain that is always there.
I couldn’t save Adley.
I couldn’t save Mommy.
&n
bsp; Now my daddy’s dead and I can’t save him either.
I look down to the card still in my hands. Its edges are covered in blood and it trembles within my hand while my tears fall onto its surface, making dark trails across the picture on the front.
My family.
I just want my family back.
I look at Daddy again and I hold the card tightly as I crawl into his lap. Closing my eyes, I press up on his body with all my strength until I feel him fall backward.
I don’t look.
I don’t dare look.
I set the card in my lap and feel for his heavy arms with my hands, holding his sleeves tightly and pulling them to me as hard as I can. I wrap his arms around my body and hold them as I turn to my side and rest my head against his chest. Just like Adley, there’s no beating heart inside. Just silence.
I hold onto Daddy’s arms, keeping them tight around me, and stare at the card of my family as I cry.
“I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…” I mutter between sobs.
Because as I sit in my daddy’s lap, I know.
Every single death is my fault.
It’s my fault that Adley drowned.
And because of that, I killed my mother.
Now my daddy died to protect me.
It all makes sense.
“It’s my fault, Daddy. I’m so sorry. I love you…”are the only things I can say. I repeat them over and over again, hoping that just like in the fairytale books he reads me, the curse of death can be broken by the power of love.
But I know in my heart that it won’t be.
Because I know now.
I am death.
And I bring it to all who love me.
“Bree. Open your eyes for me.” A warm touch glides along my cheek.
“I’m here. Right beside you.” Kaeleb’s voice pulls me so that I am no longer bound within the memory. But there is no gasping. No need for air. I’m just numb. Hollow on the inside as his voice continues tugging, and I take flight, my body lifting towards the ceiling in the office where Daddy still lies below me, his face bloody and unrecognizable.
I watch from above as eight-year-old Aubrey Miller stands there, cataloguing the gory details of the memory, searing each one of them into my mind to ensure they will never be forgotten again. Once she’s done, she looks up at me, and with lifeless eyes and sorrow in her expression, she silently reminds me of why she should never exist. Of why I buried her in the first place and why she should never again be resurrected. I nod my understanding, casting one more glance to Daddy and then to the card lying in his lap, before slowly drifting back into the present.
The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller Page 16