Linda’s eyes drift open, the green color not as vivid as I remember. She twists her neck slowly, painfully, to meet my gaze and my chin trembles as I reach forward. Running my fingers along the depressed area of her cheek, I give her as much of a comforting smile as I can muster.
She raises her hand to cover mine and I eye the I.V. to make sure it stays put as she clenches my fingers tightly. Her chest rasps as she works up the strength to whisper, “I knew you would come.” She breaks her stare as she looks over my shoulder, tears sliding from the corners of her eyes. “Thank you.”
Glancing behind me, I see Kaeleb offer her a slight smile before dipping his head. “You’re welcome.” He turns away, removing his coat and placing it with mine in a chair before heading toward the door. “I’m going to give you ladies time to catch up. I’ll be back soon.”
I watch as he leaves, before twisting back in Linda’s direction and taking a seat next to her. She releases my hand, setting hers softly on my leg before trying to prop herself up higher against the pillow. She begins to cough, each one deeper than the last, until she frantically signals for something on the other side of the bed. I jump up and run to where she’s pointing and retrieve the trashcan with the biohazard lining, holding it up to her as she continues hacking. Taking it from me, she presses her mouth against the side, finally ridding her lungs of the blood as it dribbles down the liner. My feet haul me to the bathroom and I fist some paper towels from the dispenser, marching even more quickly as I return to her side to wipe her mouth. Her eyes are apologetic as she leans back, still holding the trashcan, clearly exhausted from the episode.
“I’m sorry, Aubrey,” she says, her raspy voice filling the air. “I hate that you have to see this.”
My head shakes furiously. “No, I should have been here all along.” Taking my place beside her, I reach forward to stroke her face again. “I’m the one who should be saying I’m sorry, not you.”
Her lips lift into a weak smile. “I’ve missed you so much.”
I return the gesture, taking her cold hand into mine. “Me too.”
We remain quiet for some time, both taking note of the many differences in our appearances since the last time we saw each other.
Linda squeezes my hand lightly. “Well, at least you don’t have those damn contacts in.” She laughs lightly, setting off another coughing episode. Once she’s done, she leans back and I take the trash can from her hand, setting it on the floor as I scoot closer to her. “Linda, do I need to get the swear jar? Your language is borderline offensive.”
She grins, but curbs her laughter. “Do you still have that thing?”
“I do.” And I know right where it is. It’s packed in a box underneath my bed, the first thing to go once I’d decided to remove all traces of the people I loved from my sight. Even in my sorry state, the symbolism of that jar’s eradication was not lost on me. I smile inwardly as I remember Kaeleb and Quinn that first night in the dorm room.
Goofballs.
My heart staggers with the memory of Quinn’s contagious giggle.
I press thoughts of her aside, hoping that my abandonment hasn’t completely severed our friendship.
As I turn my focus back to Linda, her face falls serious as she tightens her hold on my hand. “Aubrey, I want you to know that I never wanted you to have to go through this. To have to endure this situation ever again. You’ve experienced too much. Seen too much. The idea of you having to watch this, I just…” She releases a weary sigh, her wheezing becoming more prominent as she speaks.
“Linda—”
“No,” she states firmly. “I need to say this.”
I nod my head, silencing my objection in order for her speak.
“I tried to fight this, I did. I want you to know that there’s nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do, no war I wouldn’t wage, no battle I wouldn’t withstand to prevent you from having to experience yet another loss in your life. But my body,” she breaks to wipe the moisture from her face, “my body is losing against every single form of combat. Surgery didn’t work. The cancer was too aggressive and had already spread, and chemo and radiation seem to halt its progress, only for it to come back with a vengeance.”
Linda’s eyes continue to seep tears, but determination fills them as she states, “I’m looking into other options, though. I want you to know that. I will keep fighting for you.”
I swallow my tears deep into my throat, allowing her resolve to wash over me, and as her words fill my heart, I finally see it. Right in front of my face as it glares at me, unyielding. The stark contrast between Linda’s determined battle and my parents’ tragic surrender when faced with hardship, when faced with death. The incredible distinction of the value each placed upon their lives and mine.
As I stare at Linda—purpose casing her entire expression—it becomes clearly obvious whose footsteps I’ve been following in…and whose I should be.
I’m forced to look away, swiping my hand across my cheek as I process her words. As I replay them over in my head, the ember in my chest converts into a glowing flame, and hope begins to churn throughout my mind and soul, the wheels spinning in my mind, fanning it as it grows.
Sometimes in life there are these random moments when everything just clicks. When all the fragments of your fractured past fall together, merging in your mind to form a lucid image of your future. Each mistake made becomes a vital piece as it serves whatever purpose necessary to complete the picture as a whole and suddenly everything becomes so clear.
Sitting in the hospital with Linda, listening to her words, her determination to give me the very gift of her life no matter how painful and exhausting that struggle may be…well, this is my moment. Because as I sit next to this brave, ferocious warrior it suddenly becomes clear to me how valuable life really is.
Every being in this world makes an impact on at least one person they encounter during their lifetime. You can change the course of someone’s life by just a kind word, a hateful one, or even by simply choosing not to say anything at all. Every choice you make has the potential to create a ripple effect, trickling into and affecting the lives of others.
Life, your existence in this world, is a very powerful thing. Truly a gift that you can give to others, but by hiding behind my fears, by isolating everyone around me, I know that my gift has been utterly wasted. There is no mark I’ve made in this world. No betterment has been achieved. I’ve allowed myself to experience nothing that I could utilize in teaching others, helping others, or bettering their lives.
And as I come to this realization, the flame within me begins to burn so intensely, it illuminates the darkness, lighting the path I must take to become the person I know I want to be. That I can become. But I also know that it won’t be an easy journey.
There will be heartache.
There will be anger.
There will be fear.
There will be sorrow.
But as with all life, there must be balance.
Without heartache, there is no understanding of the true meaning of love. Without anger, passion cannot be comprehended. Without fear, there is nothing gained when overcome. And without sorrow, happiness can never be realized.
My soul takes flight with the fire inside me. It lifts as it becomes weightless like a Chinese lantern, further brightening the path in front of me as it floats, and I watch as eight-year-old Aubrey Miller approaches in the distance. Her features are angelic and the smile on her face is full of nothing but radiance and joy as she takes my hand, encouraging me to take my first step.
There is no death.
There is no anguish.
There is no dread or terror.
There is only us standing together hand-in-hand. Two separate entities as we become one.
I feel her energy seep through my pores and as her presence enters my soul, I know the darkness I created around her was exactly that—my creation.
Aubrey Miller was never death.
Aubrey Miller is just
a girl.
A girl who has experienced a lot of loss, thus losing her way for a very long time by choosing to remain buried inside gloom and blackness.
A girl who has finally managed to find her light, coming forth through her fears and breaking free from her grave as she is truly resurrected.
A girl who I am proud to be.
Breaking free from my dream-like state, I turn to Linda and smile as I take my first step down the path.
“No more fighting, Linda. It’s time to go home.”
It takes a couple of days, but after all the legal paperwork is filled out and she’s given the official okay to leave, Kaeleb and I carefully transport Linda home. We gladly take the advice offered to us by the staff and rent the best medical bed we can find, then after removing the living room furniture, we set her up right in the middle of the room. We also hire a hospice service to help us with her general care and to give us direction. They start by setting her up with an I.V. to deliver whatever pain meds she needs to make the rest of her time here on Earth as comfortable as possible. They also guide both of us in the little things, like helping her to the bathroom, general nutrition tips, and even how to properly give her medication and breathing treatments. Our first trip to the bathroom is surprisingly easy. As she puts her weight against me, it’s then that I realize how truly thin and frail she has become.
Over the next couple of weeks, I watch as her body slowly withers away, a true testament to how hard she was fighting to stay alive. Once Linda allowed her body to give in, there was no turning back.
My time on winter break passes quickly and as I stand here now, observing her as she sleeps somewhat peacefully, I know the calm exterior I’m witnessing is the exact opposite of the carnage and destruction being inflicted inside her body.
Cancer is a merciless pillager.
I’m disrupted from my thoughts when Kaeleb enters the living room, freshly showered and fully dressed, setting our bags gently on the floor before coming to stand by my side. I watch him as he gazes at Linda with concern filling his beautiful eyes before looking at me. He offers me a sad, uneven smile before rubbing the back of his neck and glancing at the bags in the corner.
“You ready?” he asks.
Following his gaze, I shrug my shoulders. “I guess. We need to wait for hospice to arrive before we go.” My heart clenches at the idea of leaving her, even if it’s just for the day.
“Of course,” he offers as he tucks a strand of black hair behind my ear. “I see you took your piercings out.”
“I did.” I sigh as I tear my eyes away from the bags. “I don’t need them anymore.”
His smile lifts as he strokes my cheek with his thumb. “You don’t.”
Dropping his hand, he adds, “I’m really proud of you, Bree. Not just with the way you’ve handled all of this with Linda, but also with your decision to stay with her.”
My lips form a modest grin. “Thank you, Kaeleb, for bringing me here, to her. You have no idea how much you’ve done for me.”
Kaeleb narrows his eyes a tiny bit before reaching forward and gliding his fingertips along my brow line, removing the hair from my face. He watches me for moment before inhaling a soft breath, whispering, “There you are.”
My heart skips with the term as it passes through his lips, the familiarity of his words sending my mind back to a time when I would have just jumped into his arms and hugged him for simply being him.
My chest thrums as he slowly leans forward and presses his lips gently to my cheek, cradling my face before releasing me. When he’s done, he takes a small step backward and gives me a wink. “It’s good to have you back.”
I remain silent, enjoying the tingle of where his lips just caressed my skin, and watch as he turns his back to me, walking to the corner and grabbing the bags before heading outside.
Linda stirs beside me. When I turn to face her, her eyes are open and a weak smile plays on her lips as she reaches forward. I take her emaciated hand into mine and she gives it a small squeeze before lifting her chin in the direction of the door. “You’d better not lose that boy again or I will personally haunt you for the rest of your life.”
A light laugh escapes me and my shoulders bob as I shake my head. “I’m not quite sure he’s mine to have, Linda.”
Her eyes drift closed as she inhales lightly. “He’s always been yours. And you his…” she trails off in a whisper before nodding back off to sleep.
I lean over her tiny body to kiss her forehead, muttering against her skin, “You’re as bad as Quinn, you know.” My lips curve into a slight smile as I step back and continue to watch her until hospice arrives.
Once everything is set, I grab some clothes and assure them of my return this evening. I’ve already withdrawn from my classes, explaining to the professors the situation here, and telling them that I need to take some time off but that I’ll be back as soon as I can. All were very understanding and gracious as they offered their condolences and well wishes.
The ride back to my apartment with Kaeleb is much more relaxed and engaging than the trip here. Obviously. We discuss a number of things: classes, food, music, movies, books, and of course, Walter. Who, by the way, has been a favorite return boarder at doggie daycare.
The conversation is a much needed relief from the intensity of the last couple of weeks. But soon, as my mind drifts to Quinn, I no longer want to make trivial conversation. I want to know what’s going on with my friend.
“Sooo…since you’ve been keeping tabs with Linda, I assume that you’ve also been speaking to Quinn? How is she?” I ask, my voice hopeful.
Kaeleb takes in a deep breath, then turns his head, giving me an encouraging smile. “She’s really good actually. She’s been in some pretty intensive therapy since she left. Working out her issues and focusing on her relationship with her parents.” He looks forward again and signals to change lanes.
“She had a long discussion with her mother. It seems she was mainly concerned with Quinn’s lack of self-confidence when she was younger and made a simple suggestion that she start eating healthy and exercising. In Quinn’s mind, that turned into things like fat camps, which wasn’t the case.” He glances at me from the driver’s seat.
“The camps were for confidence, and pageants were for self-esteem.” He releases another lengthy sigh. “But, I don’t blame her for thinking the way she did. There’s only so long you can live in your head before your view on certain things gets…distorted.”
He cocks his eyebrow before turning back to the road.
“Yeah,” I answer absently, lost in memories of that horrific night. “I feel so stupid though, you know? I thought she was getting better. I wanted her to get better so badly I ignored everything in my gut that was telling me otherwise. She could’ve died because I chose to remain oblivious to it all.”
Kaeleb reaches across the console and takes my hand in his, gingerly stroking it with his thumb. “I think we’re both guilty of overlooking certain aspects that should have never been ignored. But you also have to realize, some battles just aren’t yours to fight, no matter how desperately you want that person to get better.”
His eyes are full of certainty as he looks over at me, wordlessly communicating that the meaning of his statement isn’t solely about Quinn. My lips curve up gently before I set my other hand on top of his and give it a light squeeze before looking forward.
As I watch the terrain passing by, I inwardly sigh, grateful to have Kaeleb back in my life, only if it is just as a friend. I refuse to consider the possibility of anything more. Regardless of what my heart wants, my head knows that it’s just not an option at this point in my life.
This time is for Linda and Linda only.
Not much more is said during the car ride as we become lost in our thoughts. We arrive at my apartment and Kaeleb drops me off, leaving me with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to call often.
After I’ve taken care of everything, I throw my bag into the trunk of my car and
head to campus to hang the fliers I made to sublet my half of the apartment. Quinn’s was paid through the rest of the lease, so only mine needs to be taken care of until May.
When all fifty fliers are hung around campus, I head to my very last stop before going back to Linda.
Entering the Psych building, I breathe in deeply, the familiar stale air reminding me of my many sessions in Palmer’s office. So much has happened since the first time we spoke, and I’m reminded of every single event as I make my way to his office.
Once I reach his door, I take in one more deep breath before knocking.
As soon as it opens, I’m greeted with surprised eyes and a familiar grin as Palmer takes in my appearance.
“Aubrey, it’s good to see you again,” he says, gesturing for me to enter.
“You too, Doc,” I respond with my typical playful punch to the arm. I take my usual spot on the couch while he takes his seat.
His eyes continue to wander over my face until he reclines in his chair and crosses his ankle over his knee.
“You seem as though you’re feeling better than the last time you visited.” He steeples his fingers over his lips and I smile at the clichéd gesture that he falls into so often.
“I am. I, uh, I guess you could say I had a breakthrough over the last couple of weeks.”
He nods. “That’s good, Aubrey. That’s very good. What, if you don’t mind me asking, brought on this breakthrough?”
I glance at the blanket beside me and run my fingers along its fringe before answering. “Well, Kaeleb basically kidnapped me. That’s what started it. Thanks for that, Doc.” I give him a disapproving look in jest, and Palmer’s chuckles fill the air. “He took me to see Linda. When I walked into that hospital room and witnessed how hard she was fighting, everything just kind of made sense. My own issues seemed so trivial in the grand scheme of things.” I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. It’s hard to describe.”
Palmer drops his hands from his face and leans forward, placing his foot on the ground and his elbows on his knees. “There’s no need. I understand what you mean.”
The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller Page 20