She throws her head back, laughing, “I was eleven. What could I have known about love?”
“So you’re saying you don’t feel that way now?”
She stops laughing and turns to look at me. “I don’t want you to love me; I just want you to fuck me,” she says bluntly.
I tighten my hand on the steering wheel as I think of how to respond to that. “Well, I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way,” I say honestly. I’ve had six long and agonizing months to think about her, and it had made me see that I do love her. That she is the one. I wouldn't ruin my friendship with Ryder for anything, but Becca is everything.
She doesn’t respond, and we drive the rest of the way in silence, but she might as well be screaming at me. The tightness in my jeans is a constant reminder of my thoughts. When I pull up to her parents’ house, I look over at her and see she’s staring at me. Her green eyes on mine, her pink lips parted, and her dark hair falls in waves over her shoulders. I reach out without thought and wrap a curl around my finger.
“Jaycent ...” she whispers, but I say nothing. There’s nothing to say really. My actions alone are telling her what my mouth can’t.
I want you just as much as you want me.
She leans over the center console; her eyes drop to my lips, and she licks hers. I know her intentions, but I can’t bring myself to refuse her. How do you turn down a dream come true? She presses her lips to mine, and that hand that was playing with a curl finds its way into her hair. She moans into my mouth, and I pull her to me. The taste of beer lingers on her tongue, and I instantly feel drunk on her. This time, I let her control the kiss.
Her hand lands on my hard cock, and I jump in surprise. “Becca.” I shove her away from me now, back to reality. I’m hard for her, and that fact makes me feel ashamed. I shouldn’t feel this way about my friend’s younger sister.
She doesn’t say anything; instead, she reaches down, grabs the hem of her shirt, and rips it up and over her head. “I want you, Jaycent,” she whispers.
Fuuuuccckkk! “You’ve been drinking,” I say in protest, but my eyes go to her perfectly round tits that hide behind her black bra.
“So,” she says, simply reaching behind her back. She undoes her bra and tosses it to the floor. Grabbing her breasts, she massages them.
This is a different side of Becca that I’ve never seen before. She’s always seemed so timid. Except back in the bathroom. She’s that girl who walks around with her head down to avoid attention, but I still notice her. I notice how she fights the tears when Conner tells her he’s going out without her. I notice the way she bites her bottom lip with she’s nervous. I notice that when she’s angry, she cleans her room. I know that Titanic is her favorite movie even though she cries every time it ends. I know everything about her, yet it still doesn’t seem to be enough.
“I was sober yesterday, and I wanted you then,” she states. “And the day before that. And the day before that ...”
My heart pounds in my chest at the way she touches herself as if she has practiced while thinking of me. “I’m too old for you,” I say as if I’m not interested. As if she is only a girl and I’m a man. But there’s nothing little girl about her.
She smiles a sexy “come and get me” smile. “I’m eighteen, Jaycent.” Then she releases her breasts. “Remember that birthday kiss you gave me?” she asks as she reaches out to grab my hand and place it over her right breast. “Do I feel too young for you?”
Before I can answer, she leans over the center console again; her hand goes to my jeans, and she unzips them. The sound slowly killing me while my hand rests on her breast. I’m afraid to move it. Afraid to breathe.
She leans in and places her lips to my ear, and I bite my cheek to keep from moaning as her hand pulls my aching cock free of my pants. “I want you to fuck me like you do in my dreams.”
“Fuck, baby.” Why does she have to speak that way? Use that word? “You dream about me?” I can’t help but ask.
“Every night,” she answers softly. Her breath hitting my ear as her hand slowly strokes me.
My head falls back against the headrest, and I groan. I close my eyes, trying to think of anything other than her dreaming of me. “This can’t ...” She silences me with her lips on mine. I keep my eyes closed, and I raise my hands to wrap around her hair, losing the battle. She wants me, and I want her. We both deserve to get what we want, and right now, that’s enough,
I pull away; she’s panting, and I ask. “How do I fuck you?” I need to know.
Her hand continues to stroke me slowly, and I pump my hips, needing her to pick up her pace. “Like you can’t get enough of me ...”
CHAPTER THREE
BECCA
“I gotta go make some phone calls,” Jaycent announces as he stands from his seat on the couch.
He looks down at me as he passes by, and his eyes look me up and down before he’s out of my sight. I shift in my seat, feeling like his look alone undressed me. Like that night we had four years ago is still fresh in his mind. It is in mine. I may have been drunk, but it’s burned into my brain. I couldn’t forget it even if I tried.
I had practically jumped him, and I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I wanted him. God, I had thought of him for so long. And finally, I had the chance to act on that.
I have wanted Jaycent for as far back as I can remember. He always took up for me. He was like my older brother. I know how sick that must sound, but he took care of me. He took me for ice cream. He made me pancakes on Sunday mornings when he would come over to hang out with Ryder. He is in every childhood memory that I have. But that night was our night. And I’ve never had a night that lived up to what we did in the back seat of his car. But like every high, there’s a low that follows.
I sit on my bed, softly rocking back and forth. My phone clenched in my hands. He’s on his way. What am I gonna say? What am I gonna do?
Tears fall down my face at the shame I feel. Embarrassment flooding me. How could I have been such a horrible person? How could I have lost control like I did?
“Becca?” I hear his voice call out from downstairs. “Becca, where are you?” His voice sounds closer as I hear him climbing the stairs.
I take a deep breath, and he opens my bedroom door without even knocking. “Becca ...?”
He enters, and I sniff as I look down at my phone. “Becca, what’s wrong?” he asks, kneeling in front of me. I open my eyes to look at him “Is everything okay?” I had texted him, asking to come over when he had a free minute. That was twenty minutes ago.
I sniff. “We need to talk, Jaycent.”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, but he nods. “We do need to talk, Becca.”
“Last night was a mistake,” I blurt out before I can stop myself. Trying to convince myself we have something. That he could actually feel something for me.
His hands fall from mine. “What?” he asks as his dark brows pull together. “How can you say that, Becca?”
He stands, and I look up at him. Why does he look hurt? Like he cared that I called what we did a mistake? Tears start to build in my eyes. “I’m with Conner,” I whisper.
“You cheated on Conner. With me.”
I flinch at his words. “I know.” I sniff and hang my head. “It was a mistake. I should have never done that to you.”
“To me? Becca, it took both of us,” he says through gritted teeth.
I nod quickly. “I know.” Looking back up at him, I feel the tears start to fall from my eyes. “I’m sorry. I pushed you.”
“No.” He growls. “Don’t do this.” He grabs my hand and yanks me to my feet. His eyes narrow on me. “You didn’t push me, Becca. We both wanted it. Now what? You’re ashamed that you cheated on that piece of shit you call your boyfriend?” he demands. My eyes fill with fresh tears, and I lick my lips.
“What did you expect to happen?” I ask softly.
He releases my hand and takes a step back. Running a hand through
his hair, he lets out a long breath. He looks unsure of how to answer that question. Because I’m not sure I even have an answer. What did I think was gonna happen? We’d what, go to my family, and tell them we’re in love? Sleeping together? See where this is gonna go?
“I’m not sure what was gonna happen, but I know it wasn’t a mistake. You can lie to yourself all you want, but to me, it meant something, and I think that scares you.”
I wrap my arms around myself at his words. “I have to leave,” I whisper. He shouldn’t get to say those things to me. I have plans. Plans I can’t change because of what we did.
“I could go with you,” he offers, and my chest tightens. Could he really want to be with me that badly? No. Even if it was true, I wouldn’t take him away from what he has here.
“I need this,” I decide to say. He thinks I mean college, but I mean him. I always have.
“And I need you,” he says, reaching up and wiping the tears from my cheeks.
Why is he doing this to me? Making it harder than it already is? “There’s no future for us,” I say as my throat closes up at the truth of my words. My mother wouldn’t allow it. Hell, my father probably wouldn’t allow it either. And Ryder... oh God, this would destroy their relationship. I can’t allow him to throw his friendship with my brother away for something that has no future. I won’t be that selfish.
“How can you say that?” he asks breathlessly.
“Because no one would allow it,” I say honestly.
“You think I give two shits about your family?” he snaps. “What they think?” He shakes his head. “You’re all that matters.”
I just wish he would stop. “I’m sorry,” I cry out. “But I have to do this. On my own.”
“You mean with Conner,” he snaps.
“He didn’t deserve to be cheated on,” I argue. That’s not who I am.
He reaches up and cups my wet cheek, and I hate that I lean into him. “But it’s okay for him to cheat on you?”
I flinch and pull away from him; his arm falls to his side. “Just because he does it doesn’t make what I did right.” He doesn’t understand. No one does. I want out of this town. I want away from my mother. She controls every little thing I do. And the only reason she’s letting me go to Seattle is Conner. She loves him. She trusts him. If I stay here and tell them I’m with Jaycent, they will forbid it then make my life a living hell, and I’ll be trapped here. I don’t want to suffocate. Putting up with Conner is a small price to pay for my freedom.
He continues to argue with me. “It wasn’t a mistake.” He steps up to me and tilts my head back so I have to look up at him. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” he says as his eyes search mine. “I’ll miss you,” he says, lowering his face down to mine.
“Jaycent ...” I breathe, closing my eyes. Then I feel his lips on mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, and just like last night, my body begs for more. But now, I know what he can give me. And it’s better than any dream I’ve ever had.
He pulls away too soon, and without another word, I watch him walk out of my room. When he closes the door behind him, he takes a piece of me with him.
I’m pulled out of that memory as a phone rings, and I look over and glimpse Conner pulling his cell out of his pocket and Dad written across his screen. He stands and walks out of the room without bothering to say a word to me.
I sit back in my seat, surprised that Jaycent even speaks to me now. What I did to him was wrong. I used him. I didn’t deserve him as a friend then nor do I now.
Another phone rings and my brother looks at his before hitting answer. “Hey, man,” he says with a smile on his face. “How are things going? The club open yet?” He nods his head to himself a few times. “Yeah, I’d love to come.” He looks at me, and his smile widens. “My sister will be back in New York as well, just in time for the grand opening, so I will drag her out with me.” I would love to go out with my brother; I’ll be damned if I let Conner stop me from spending time with him. “Yeah, that sounds great. Just let me know, Weathers,” he says before hanging up.
“A friend of yours opening a club?” I ask, wanting to know about him and the people he hangs out with.
“He bought some property from me and Dad a while back, and yes, now he’s opening a club on said property.”
“Cool,” I say softly.
He goes to open his mouth but a knock comes on the door, and he gets up to answer it. I expect it to be Conner, but instead, it’s Ashlyn, and I smile. She’s the only true friend I’ve ever had. I’ve never told her about my and Jaycent’s past, though, but she’s curious. It’s hard to hide the effect that man has on me, and she’s very observant. That’s why she’s my best friend. She doesn’t judge, and she doesn’t tell you how to live your life. She listens. I wish I could pull her to the side right now and fill her in on all the thoughts and feelings swimming in my head, but it will have to wait.
Instead, I plaster another fake smile on my face and pat the spot beside me.
Ryder gets her a beer, and he tells her about a party he once had, and I look down at my hands in my lap. That was the party when I saw Jaycent and Jasmine together. That was the one where I went into my room and cried like a girl who’d had her heart broken. And I guess in a way I had cause because I felt like we were never gonna have a chance. But I was only eleven at the time; what did I know?
“I hate to even ask, but where is Conner?” she asks.
“His father called. So he went out into the hallway to talk to him,” I answer.
“He wasn’t out there when I got off the elevator,” she informs me with a frown.
I jump up out my seat and head to the door, grabbing my cell out of my back pocket, cursing my skinny jeans for being so tight, to call him. But as the door shuts behind me, I see Jaycent leaning against his bedroom doorway staring right at me. And I wish I could talk to him without anyone around. I need to tell him how sorry I am for what went down between us last time I saw him. He seems to have let it go, though. So I continue in search of Conner.
I don’t have a signal in the elevator, but I stop on our hotel room floor first. After checking our room, I find he’s not there. Getting back onto the elevator, I go down to the lobby.
I get off and head over to the hotel bar, and my jaw tightens when I find him sitting there with a Bud Light in his hand. And a woman sitting next to him with several girlfriends. “What are you doing down here?” I demand as I approach him.
He turns to look at me, and his dark eyes look me up and down with disgust. “Took you long enough.”
“What?” I snap, tired of this game we play where I’m the lost puppy needing my owner to want me.
“I’ve been gone for twenty minutes. Or did you not notice?” he snaps.
My eyes narrow on him. He’s testing me? “Why are you even down here?”
“Excuse me?” the woman says, looking at me. Her dark green eyes assessing me, and her brows down in confusion. “But who are you?”
“Who am I?” I ask with a huff. “I’m his girlfriend. Who the hell are you?” I yell.
“That’s enough.” He growls, jumping off his barstool. He grabs my upper arm and drags me out of the bar.
“Are you serious right now?” I demand as he practically drags me across the lobby and toward the elevator.
“You’re making a scene,” he snaps, pushing the up arrow for the elevator.
“And you weren’t?”
“No,” he shouts, and his voice echoes through the hotel. “I was just sitting at the bar enjoying my beer.” The elevator dings, and then the doors slide open.
I walk in and yank my arm free of his hold. The doors close us inside alone, and I turn to face him. “We’re supposed to be on vacation. Together. And you’re sitting at the bar with another woman.”
He ignores me as he looks straight ahead. His jaw tight and chin lifted. He’s pissed. At me. Like I was the one who did something wrong. He rolls his shoulders as he lets out a long sigh, trying
to calm his temper. “Conner?” I snap.
He turns to face me; his dark brown eyes narrowed like usual. “You honestly think I’m gonna sit up there while you eye fuck Jaycent?”
I grind my teeth. “I didn’t even look at him.” I defend myself. He’s doing this on purpose. He wants to start a fight. He does it every time he wants to be alone. He pushes me away, and I’m always the first to apologize. But not this time.
The elevator comes to a stop on our floor, and he storms out. I follow him just as angrily. He opens the hotel door and heads straight to our bedroom. “What are you doing?” I ask from the doorway as I watch him grab his bag.
“I’m leaving,” he responds flatly.
I stand there confused for a second. “Where are you going?”
“My dad bought me a plane ticket back. I’m leaving.”
I take a step toward him as a moment of panic consumes me. I know our relationship isn’t healthy, and I know I love him more than he loves me, but that doesn’t mean I want to let him go. That I’m willing to admit seven years of our lives together meant nothing. “Wait,” I say, walking over to him. “You left the guys’ hotel room almost thirty minutes ago, and you’ve known this entire time that you were leaving?”
“Yep,” he says, walking into the bathroom and grabbing his stuff off the counter and in the shower.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, trying to understand why he’s leaving. I haven’t done anything wrong.
He stops, placing his bag down, and looks up at me. “Like I said, I was seeing how long it would take you to notice I was even gone.”
“That’s not fair,” I whisper. “I’ve apologized—”
He snorts, interrupting me. “You don’t mean it.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. I don’t know why I let him make me feel this way. “We can talk about this. Don’t leave.”
“I’m done,” he states and then zips up his bag.
“Conner.” I say his name desperately as I walk up to him and place my hand on his arm. He shrugs me off.
Myself (Selfish Series, #2) Page 5