Max sighed, giving in for the time being.
* * *
La Jolla Cove
Crystal lay in bed, her mind in reflection of this day, of this adventure in L.A. Of course when she lay thinking in the night, Victor as well, always came to mind, she couldn't help that. Her boys, Victor and Ben. As she lay, she decided that she was glad that she'd decided to come away with Shawn, it was a decision she did not regret. She had needed the breather given. She'd needed to see there was more to her life than what she knew so far. She was also starting to feel different about the way she saw her marriage. She was no longer back and forth, insecure, and unsure about what went wrong, she - beyond a shadow of doubt, was starting to clearly see it.
She saw it so clearly now thanks to Shawn, and how he was with her mother.
She saw it so clearly now thanks to the way Ben - treated her, treated her children.
The way she felt with him was totally different from the way she was made to feel with her first husband. It came through with startling clarity that she and Victor, were not friends. They had had little in common. What they had, was plenty of attraction. Followed by, lots of sex. Incredible sex. He had electrified her with his aggressive onslaught, taking her breath away. However, once more, what did she have to compare it with? While that had never made a difference to her, she realized that maybe, just maybe, she'd taken that aspect of their relationship to mean that they were meant for one another, despite the fact, that once they rose from bed, they really - didn't - like one another.
Not really.
She could see all the times when they eased around one another so as not to stir the littles things between them that could be said to bring about strife and decention. She saw herself back then as so young and so wowed by him. She had been so naive and sheltered, due to her mother trying so hard to protect her. When he turned his attention to her, she had needed what he gave, so - she thought. Now, as she lay, her mind kept now asking, why? Why had he married her? An aching, ugly idea suddenly materialized in her mind, that in truth, she had a feeling that he really didn't like her. But he liked that he had been the one to take her virginity. It made him feel good about himself. Suddenly, Crystal lay realizing, that maybe, just like her - he didn't feel good about himself either and he needed what he could brag concerning her.
Even so, the deeper she searched for the answers as to why, she knew one absolute truth, before his family, he had not been proud of her. Not proud enough to bring her before them as a prize that he would share with them and treasure. He had not stood for her to sing her praises of why he'd chosen her, not at first, not in the beginning. The longer she had been with him, the more he began to make her feel as her father made her feel. Inadequate, lacking, not quite good enough to bring before his white family gathers, but good enough for his bed. As if their home was apart of another world, the world of their peers, of their generation, which was not included in the world of his mother, father, their immediate family, uncles, cousins - the Prescotts. He left her in the world of his peers, and secretly stole off with their sons, to his family - because thank goodness - they were very close to looking like him, white. She at times wondered what he would have been like with their sons had they looked more like her? As it was, Darren looked like her, had more of a tan than Isaac did; it was easy to spot that he was mixed - as it was, he still struggled with them, but at least - he made attempts, lacking as they were.
As she lay, she began dissecting and separating him, from the sex.
What she saw, was a man who had not fought for her, he'd only fought forhimself. Fought his peers, or any man who dare try and touch his, good thing, her. It was not about her that he would knock the hell out of someone, but about his image - how it made him look. That was the reason he tried to keep her from doing more than he thought she could successfully achieve; heaven forbid she should fail and do something stupid, it would make him, look bad; her failures would reflect back on him, as if he knew his mother would look at him and say, see? He couldn't have that. As she lay, Crystal realized that she'd always known that about him, one of the reasons why she attacked him, hit him - to burst his bubble of bombasity. It was a nasty, immature way to respond, she could see that now as well. At the time, she couldn't have controlled her attacks if she wanted to, and at the time, she hadn't wanted to, she'd wanted to knock the looks off of his face that made her feel he was looking down his nose at her, as if he were her superior. Thus, why he would not bring her before his other family - he was ashamed of her. It hurt to see it, admit it, but what else could it be?
She shook her head.
There was no if's about it. So if he'd been ashamed of her - why marry her in the first place? She lay wishing that he'd just agreed to support their child and left her alone. But then, she would have no Darren.
Once more, her mind went to Ben.
There was no shame in him, with her. None.
He was so proud to be with her, it showed in his body language. She could see it. When Victor had stared her down, it had been an act, to get her attention, it had been a move, a successful one to let her know, I'm after you. When Ben stared at her, it was with a gentle longing that made her heart ache. While Ben was very confident, strong and well learned, he was not stuck on himself. Not like Victor had been. Victor absolutely had to look good before other's to feel good about himself. Crystal smiled, so she gave him black eyes and busted lips. Shaking her head, 'That was wrong! You know you were wrong.' Thinking about it, she wondered why he stayed with her? Something told her, it was once more, to do with his mother. Then something occurred to Crystal that made her lean up in bed, her back against the head board. "You married me to get back at her ... that's why you did it. Oh my god." She sat thinking about it. That's why at times, she got on his nerves, making him say things to her that hurt her, and thus, when she couldn't take anymore, she struck out at him. She thought about her last attack on him, in her mother's basement. He'd said what he'd said in front of her and Shawn, once more to make her feel little in front of her mother. It had worked, she'd felt such heat, that nothing could have stopped her from attacking him. It was the first time her mother had actually seen the way things actually were between them. The only good thing, was the make up sex. Because she would fall into fears of losing him, begging him not to leave her. Crystal's face burned from remembering all the times she'd begged him, crying, not to leave her. Because she couldn't bare the way it would look to everyone else. She realized she was no better than him in that, afraid of looking low, lacking.
Again, Ben.
Nothing, nothing ever in anything he'd ever said or done, made her feel - as if she were not good enough. He never made her feel as though she had to prove herself to him. He thought she was smart. Special. Incredible. And whatever she gave, when she freed up and gave, he cherished it, treasured, longed for her. He hung onto her every word, listened to whatever she had to say. Ben ... actually, liked her. She could tell. She knew that were she with him, he would fight - for her. His aggressive attack on someone concerning her, would not be about what was his - in the way Victor did. Ben's attack would be about no one daring to disrespect her in front of him. His attack would be about preserving her sense of peace, her sense of dignity, that she was a lady, worthy of respect and he would let no one, give less before her. She smiled. She knew that about Ben. Because he was, his father's son. He was made up of all the good things, from Shawn, from Jake, from his father, Quincy. If Ben took her before his family, she knew it in her heart, that he would be so proud. That he would treat her as if she were the greatest thing in his life.
Unlike Victor.
No such thing had ever happened with him. Everything he did, was to try and keep her down, under control, even though he learned too late, he could not control her. He had tried to talk her out of things, told her she couldn't do this or that. Told her she would never make a success of what she pursued because she was trying to do too much. It hadn't been out of concern for her, b
ut fear that she would embarrass him. Like the time she signed up to sell Mary Kay cosmetics. She'd proven him wrong and gave him back every dime of the money she took to do it, his money. He'd acted like she'd stolen from him. Still, after she gave him back all of it, there had been no praise, no - "I was wrong, I should have believed in you." Nope, no such words ever came from his mouth, not even close. He'd simply taken it back saying, "Don't ever take any chances gambling with my money again, you were lucky this time."
Lucky - my money...
When he'd said that, she'd wanted to slap him then too. Because it had hurt. Shamed her. Made her feel, that she had no right to what was his, as if she should be content with what he'd done in marrying her and providing for her. That money had not been theirs, but his. She never touched it again. From that moment forward, she made her own money and didn't ask him for another dime. Any clothing she bought for herself, she made the money to shop for them. Any personal needs, came from the money she made. Even the food they ate, she worked to shop and buy it, deciding not to ask him for that either. He paid the rent. The lights, the heating. Paid for his own lunches for work. And put the gas in the car when he used it, because it had been hers. He said they couldn't afford to buy a new car because things were costing him enough. Again, thinking back to it, Crystal shook her head. To be fair, she was able to finish school, but she worked all while she did, selling Mary Kay, making good money. Not once did he give her any praise for her efforts in helping to keep things from being a strain on him. She began to feel, that she was there, to give him sex - but take care of herself, while he kept the roof on. As if they had an agreement, room mates sort of speak. Then she'd gotten pregnant with Darren, his reaction had been, "Haven't you been taking your pill on time?" To which she answered, "I forgot a couple of times ... sorry, it won't happen again."
"Yeah, well, too late to be sorry. I am the only one working here and I'm not made of money."
Oh the argument that came from that. "Excuse me, I sell Mary Kay!" She'd defended.
"Yeah, but that's not a real job is it? That's not going to really take us anywhere, especially now that you're pregnant again!"
"Hellooo, you did get me pregnant again - have you forgotten that?!"
"Whatever, if you'd kept to taking your fuckin' pill in the morning, it wouldn't have happened. You're not one of those who'll be popping out babies left and right are you?"
"You know what, fuck you! Okay... fuck - you!"
"Oh here we go, turning to violence instead of admitting you messed up."
She'd bitten into her tongue, restrained herself with all of her might, grabbed up Isaac and took off out of the house.
Again, Crystal imagined that scene if it had been Ben, she'd been married to. Some how - she imagined he would have celebrated it. She just had that feeling about him. As she scooted herself back down into the bed, she lay there feeling sad, because she wished, it had been Ben she'd met so long ago. Nothing he could ever do, touched her so much as seeing the way he was with her sons. They looked up to him - trusted him - sought him out - just as much as they did Mundo. Neither of them had ever been that way with their own father. That had bothered Crystal and so, she'd tried to break off what was happening between them and Ben. It had been a one day fight that she quickly gave up on, because they needed what he gave them, if they didn't, they wouldn't search so for him. She knew first hand, what it was like to have a father that didn't dote on you, love you, hug you, kiss you, treat you as if nothing and no one, was more important. Her sons deserved that. They deserved to be loved, doted on, guided and taught by a strong father figure - their own father! But something told her - that was not in Victor to give them.
She smiled, reaching the conclusion, that she was glad, he'd taken those papers, signing them, and then turning them in. He had done, the biggest favor to her, that he could ever do. She smiled, giggled... she was - free!
Free to start over!
Free to focus on what she really needed for her boys, for herself.
Right away, Ben came to mind.
She shook with her inner gladness.
She knew she shouldn't feel this way, but she felt wonderful in his presence. Being with him, made her feel on top of the world. He raised her up. With him, it was like being with the best kind of friend ever. She'd given it a day to avoid him and ward him off. That day, she hadn't felt the same. As wrong as she might be, she wanted him around her, but - she didn't want to have to give over her heart just yet. No, not yet. The right thing to do, was to remain friends ... for ... a little while. While it might not be fair to him, she would do all she could to maintain that. This time, she would not jump the gun on a relationship. She would give herself the time she needed to be free, at least for a while. But, when the time came to decide whether she wanted to be with someone, it was easy to see, that he ticked all of the boxes for her.
Not only for her ... but more importantly, for her boys. Any decision she made towards a future for their lives, had to be more about them, than even herself, because they hadn't asked to be brought here. She'd decided to bring them into the world, so her first responsibility was to them. Right now, she was going to take a breather and enjoy her new found womanhood. Attend the anger management meetings with her papah-Shawn - get herself together. While she did that, she would also see, just how real Ben's love for her was. If he meant the things he said to her, then - he would understand and wait for her.
She turned over hugging her pillow - unable to remove the grin from her face. Never had she so much fun as she'd had on this trip. Thanks to her papah-Shawn! As far as she was concerned, her mother's good find, had blessed them all. She knew, that all that they were starting to enjoy about life, was because of him being in their lives. Yet, while it was her papah that brought these things to be, it was the presence of his son, that made it that much more a dream vacation. When they'd been scuba diving, it had been the most gratifying experience ever. It was as if she were in a dream world of disbelief. Underwater exploration, thanks to Shawn and Ben, she would never forget it. She noted that Ben had stuck to his guns and acted as a friend for the rest of the day, albeit a very attentive friend. He restrained himself from the subtle touches to her hand, arm, elbow - back. Restrained himself from gazing into her eyes with longing that could not be mistaken. If she caught his gaze, he immediately cut it away. He, Angela, Mundo and her were as a family of siblings, sort of. Light hearted, playful with each other, she and Angela against him, Mundo and her boys. There was a part of her that wished they could all just stay right where they were, all together, from now on. But then, that would delay her getting on with her life, and delay the divorce. Now - she wanted it - more than ever, she was ready to move on.
Before dropping off to sleep, she gave a bit more thought to her soon to be ex-husband. She wondered where was he and what was he doing? She felt a slight twinge in the pit of her gut, because despite everything, she still felt connected to him. Even when she knew him, knew that more than likely, he was with another woman, now that he'd signed the papers to be free of her. "No, don't think about that! Just go to sleep!" She coached herself, knowing him as she did. He had a way with women, could get one easily. He could never be alone - he was too hyper, high-strung - needing someone around to stroke him one way or the other. She figured he was out right now, more than likely having a good time, celebrating his freedom. Shaking her head, she set her resolve not to feel hurt about that, because right then, the notion, the thought of him being with someone else, made her stomach hurt. Even though she was thinking of Ben, Victor was still her husband, the father of her sons. Regardless of her thoughts, realizations, insight and conclusions, one didn't just throw off what they felt inside, even if what they had wasn't right. She'd always wanted it to be right.
"Let it go Crystal ... let him ... go. Go to sleep, count your blessings and accept, that that part of your life is over - it should have never been in the first place." She murmured softly in the night and then, took a v
ery long and deep cleansing breath, closed her eyes and waited for sleep to deliver her - yet, her stomach still hurt a little, her grin, her smile was gone, and against her will, tears gathered and fell - because immature as she was at the time - she had loved him; crying as she was, obviously, to some degree, still did.
* * *
Wisconsin... 3am
It was almost time for his lunch, Victor looked across the assembly line at the wall clock from the machine he was in the middle of fixing. He turned back to it, his mind not on his work. He didn't really need his mind on his work, because he knew what he was doing without even thinking. Without even thinking about that, that is. His thinking for the time being was disturbed by his fears. He was spinning right now. Spinning because he hadn't been in touch with Crystal for too long now. Since their separation, he had not let this much time pass by without at least calling her, or making some kind of contact with her. He may have let a few days go by, but no more than that. Without admitting it to himself, he knew how important it was to keep him in her minds eye by his presence or his calling her. Didn't matter if they were fighting or not - a constant reminder that he was in her life, her husband and to remember that, was the reason. He stopped what he was doing because he couldn't get over the fact that she had actually gone off somewhere in California and hadn't tried to reach him once, not once!
"What the fuck is going on!?" He blasted to himself. Not knowing was messing with his head. She was his wife, separated or not, she had no right to take off and not tell him! Not ask him if it was okay to take his boys off with her like that. He was anxious and if he could get a hold of her, he would start some shit for sure. People were asking him questions, wondering what was going on with them. Talking about them, about him. The fact that he had no answers made him feel just a bit unsettled, embarrassed. After all, all that knew him, knew how he was, knew how they were. The fact that they fought, with him getting a few knocks and bruises from her wasn't a big deal, because he knew how to explain it away. Because of his reputation for fighting at the drop of a hat, when he was seen with bruises, it was automatically assumed he'd been scrapping. If anyone asked him after their fights, "What happened to you?" His answer would be, "Trust me, I'd rather mine, than his."
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