Jake, was surprised to see him almost diving into the elevator before it closed him out. Paul and Kevin looked at each other, then at Ben and next their father. He inhaled and then exhaled because he knew that he'd come to confront him, as his direct stare supported, next came the words, "We need to talk." Ben didn't waste a moment.
Jake looked away, "Not now."
"Yes, now! There's no reason to wait."
"Considering what's going on, there's good reason to wait. Learn not to be so selfish."
"Oh my, that's famous, coming from you. Either way, we need to talk, I see no reason to wait."
"What's there to talk about? You made your choice, right?"
"No, I made no choices in my life, you made choices! I sought the truth. I have a right to know who sired me - and now that I do know, I will not apologize for going where the truth could be found. As a McPherson, we're pretty hard nose about standing up for ourselves, I will do no less in this matter."
"Good for you, you know the truth, happy now?"
"No I'm not happy - because regardless of what the truth is, it doesn't change the way I feel about you. In my heart, in my soul - you sir, you - are still my father! The first man I looked up to with the word in mind to get your attention. All these years later, and after knowing the truth, that has not changed! That I love you - and seeing you stand there now, rejecting me, cutting me - because I sought the truth, has not altered in me, the fact that I love you. Knowing all the times you came when we, your three sons, three sons called for you - you came. That cannot be changed, replaced, nor forgotten. What also stands, and will never change, is the fact that if you, myfather, dad - call me - I will come - I will be there for you, just as you've always been there, for me. In my heart, that has not changed. That's all I have to say, the rest - is up to you."
Jake stood quiet, his face on fire, feeling small at that moment, feeling his eyes sting and didn't dare move. Kevin and Paul were likewise. The elevator stopped on the ground floor, the doors opened, Ben's brother's stepped from it, heading towards the hospital exit. Jake found that he was unable to move, standing as he was looking through the elevator doors.
"You better step out - they'll be closing on you soon, heaven forbid you be trapped in here with me."
Jake moved towards the doors just as they began to close, placing his hand between them, they reopened - he stood there, in the middle, straddling the threshold of the elevator as it were, and finally lifted his eyes to gaze at his son, Shawn's son - the son they shared, yet, he could find no words right then.
Ben shook his head saying softly, "You know what dad? I'm trying to understand how you can say, you ever loved me - while punishing me for something I had nothing- to do with. I'm human, just like you; which also means, I'm not perfect, sorry about that."
Jake blew out - a lump swelled in his throat. The elevator started giving off a repetitive dinging alarm as if something barring it from closing. It was either step back in with him, and back away from the doors, he backed away. As they closed, Ben looked to the floor away from him. With the doors closed now, Jake still found himself unable to move, hearing the sound of it going back up once more, his son inside. His face burned in shame that he didn't say anything, that he didn't respond. He felt like shit, he felt as if he was turning into his own father, someone without the heart to reach out and say, I'm sorry I hurt you, you are my good son.
"Dad? You coming?" Kevin broke into his thoughts.
Jake turned away from the elevator and strode towards him, and Paul, waiting further ahead by the hospital gift shop, not far from the exit. All three exited together, heading for his truck when Kevin asked, "All forgiven now? Don't drag it out dad, give in already - you know you want to, after all, not right to put your precious Ben through that, you lose your favorite, what then will you do? That would suck, being left with just me and Paul."
That stumbled Jake in his stride.
"Kevin! Lay off man! What the hell!?" Paul lashed out, immediately angry at his words.
"What do you mean, what the hell? Oh I see, you're after the spot for favorite huh? Good luck!"
"You know what, you can be such a fuckin' prick sometimes!" Paul went on.
"Hey, like they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?"
Jake's eyes jerked his way, making eye contact with his, true, first born son. "Ooops, sorry about that dad, I guess that knocks me out of the race for first place huh? Even though I am your son, your real son, your first born, no matter."
Jake couldn't believe the simmering hostility in him.
"Kevin, what's your fuckin' problem? I like how you say all of this now, why didn't say it in front of Ben back there? No, you wait until the cost is clear, when he's not around to talk this shit!"
"Fuck you Paul!" Kevin blasted him.
"No, fuck you! Sick of all this bullshit! At least you've always known who the hell your father is! No one teased you like they did him! In Ben's face, you're on his side, up his ass. Ben's not around, bullshit from you flies!"
Jake and Kevin both stood at the truck, doors open, their mouths open in surprise by Paul's manner, his words. Never had they heard him use so many curse words as he did going off on Kevin, which he'd never done before either. Jake had said nothing the entire time, because he wasn't sure how to fix the mess he'd made of his own sons. He was feeling the pressure of his actions towards Ben, Kevin and Paul. The irony of it was, he was guilty of the exact same crime his father had commented against him, towards them. Yes, he'd been there for them, but not truly, as a father, more like an uncle or older very best friend or mentor. They'd needed him to be their father, instead, he'd let Quincy be that to Ben and Kevin, while Paul had to wait for his mother, or his grandmother and aunt to take him to see him, see his grandfather - to be with them, his half brothers. For years, Jake had seen and known the way Paul looked up at him, with eyes of hero worship, the way a son should, deceiving him into believing he must be doing something right. When in truth, he had to ask him for time with him, to take him places. He remembered back now, them all being at his parents and he'd be showering after work, getting ready to go out, and Paul would be following him around the house, in his room, gazing up at him, eyes huge, hoping that he would take him out with him. Not so much Ben and Kevin, but always Paul. He'd been so wrapped up in himself, in getting away from his dad, out of the house, that he would look for Ben, telling him, "Take care of your little brother, he's bored." He would then, ruffle Ben's head, not Kevin's, not Paul's, and then wink at him on the way out. Ben always took Paul to his side, because in a way, they had more in common - the odd one out.
Jake could see it all now. He remembered it all. Now, years and years later, he looked back and saw their faces, each of their faces.
Ben's resigned, accepting.
Kevin's guarded, stand offish.
Paul's hopeful, pleading.
They all stepped into the truck, Jake felt more like shit as the moments passed, especially while having to face, by the looks of things, that his eldest son, the one that was his that is, was turning out to be too much like him, for his liking. And he wasn't sure how to deal with someone like himself. At this point, he wasn't sure saying that he was sorry, would do any good at this juncture, after all, he'd kind of said that to them already. Furthermore, Paul was right, in Ben's face, he was on his side, out of his face, he was pointing it out that he was his favorite. Jake wasn't sure how to sum up the character of someone like that? They were still arguing. "ENOUGH!" He barked, "Okay? Enough... drop it already."
"Can you take me home so I can get my own car?" Kevin asked, clearly upset.
"What? Now?" Jake asked incredulous.
"Yes, now."
"After I've been up all night?"
"So have I!"
"Fuck no! I'm not going anywhere, but to Derrick's to get some sleep! You want to get home to your own car so bad, get on a fuckin' bus!" Jake spat, growing pissed now.
"I see, had I been Ben
that asked it, we'd be on our way."
"First of all, Ben wouldn't have asked me any such nonsense so goddamn ridiculous as that, after being up all night!"
Kevin threw his door open and jumped out, slamming it closed behind him.
"FUCKIN' HELL!" Jake exploded.
"Just leave'im dad! Why should you kiss his ass?"
Jake turned to Paul, "What's gotten in to you?"
Paul looked at him blank for the moment, then about to answer, Jake stopped him, "Don't answer that! Geez, one at a time please." He threw his door open, looking over the top of the truck for his son, who was striding towards the exit gates. He also saw his mother's car, and Derrick's van pulling into the gates at the same time.
"KEVIN! KEVIN!! WILL YOU STOP THROWING TANTRUMS - GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!!" He shouted to him.
Kevin kept walking.
Gert, having little choice but to notice what was going on, also able to hear with their windows opened, pulled up next to Kevin. Vivian was in the front seat with her, Shanna in the back with Joseph. "Young man, where are you going? Why is your father there, shouting in this parking lot after you?"
While he would walk away from his father, he'd never disrespected his grandmother, "I'm going for a bus, so I can go home and get my car." He explained grudgingly.
"Lord'o'mercy, not today! Shanna's taking Ben and Mundo back for their cars, you might as well go with them. Marcus is going as well."
"No thank you, I'm gettin' a bus grandma." He returned, trying to be stubborn.
"Did you hear what I said to you young man?"
Kevin sighed, "Yes ma'am."
"I'm not gonna have this messin' about today, my Meri's fighting for her life! Save this mess for another day and get in this car so you can go back with them, now that's that!"
While not liking it, he opened her car door and climbed in, slamming it - Gert drove forward, pulling into a space right down from Jake's truck. He walked over to the car, on Vivian's side opening it for her to get out. Everyone else followed suit except for Kevin, who sat where he was, arms crossed, pissed off.
"He'll get a ride with Shanna back to get his car." Gert explained to Jake, closing her door. She looked down to see Kevin still inside, "You staying there?"
"Yes ma'am I am, until they're ready to go." He returned immediately.
"Suit yourself." She turned back to look at Jake, "I don't know what's going on, but can we not have this today?" She petitioned him.
"Look, I just wanna go get some sleep - he's pissed because I won't rush down the road, now - so he can get his car. I don't need it today either."
"Either way, it's settled. How is Meribel and Sasha?" She asked.
"Meribel is the same, Sasha's in tears, blaming herself." He answered, looking from his mother to Vivian, pulling her against him, needing to feel her closeness.
"House is clear, here are the keys..." she tossed them over to him, he caught them, "...go get some rest, it's our shift now." Gert informed him, watching Shanna walk ahead of them holding Joseph's hand, "I better get inside." were her last words as she walked away.
"Thanks mom, see you later." With one hand holding onto Vivian's arm, Jake leaned down into the window, "You and I, we're gonna talk later."
"Yeah dad, like you said to Ben, now's not the time."
"You know what-..."
Vivian pulled him up and shook her head leading him away from the car, "Leave it for now baby, say anymore, it'll only get worse."
"He's fuckin' lucky, I talked to my dad like that, his foot would be up my ass!" He fumed stopping at the end of his truck.
"Like your mom said, save it for another day. Go get some sleep okay?"
"Yeah, I better, his attitude if fuckin' with my head." He leaned forward, kissed her lips, caressed her cheek, "See you in a few hours."
Vivian nodded, stepped back from him and then rushed to catch up with Gert, who was walking slow so she could.
Jake turned and looked into his mother's car, Kevin was facing the other way. He walked and jumped into the truck, started it up, noticing that now, Paul sat in the front seat. As he turned to back out, his arm across the seat his son occupied, he couldn't help looking into his eyes first, and then out the back window, asking as he backed out, "You know, what ever happened to you guys thinking I was okay? Remember that? After the funeral, ohhh dad, come on, you were the coolest, we had fun, ha ha ha, hee hee heeee, weee! What a load o'shit!"
Paul grinned in sympathy stating, "Dad, I do think you're cool, honestly." He encouraged as his father corrected the truck, turning it to pull up to the gate to exit, paying his ticket for overnight parking.
"Yeah right, and uh - what the hell is going on with you? What's with all the hardcore cursing and tellin' your brother off?"
"He pissed me off." he groused, feeling the sensation come back again.
"He pissed you off, huh? I see. Hmmm, mind me saying, that's not like you. Care to tell me what's going on with you?" He asked, pulling out of the hospital parking lot, onto the road, heading for his brother's home.
"Nothing's going on with me."
"Bull! Still a virgin?!"
"What?!" Paul gasped, "Vivian tell you something?"
"Ah ha, so does Vivian know something about what I just asked you? Obviously she does, spill it."
Paul couldn't help himself, he blushed and then grinned.
"Yep! Bingo - boys popped his first official nut! I hope to hell you wore a condom! That lady Jackie? She the one?"
"Dad uh, I mean no disrespect, but - that's personal - my uh, business, I'm 18 remember?"
"Ah, so I see, this makes you a man now huh? Did you, or did you not - wear a condom?"
"Of course I did, I wore a condom." Paul answered right away, even though it hadn't been every time.
"So, it only happened once huh? And that once you were fully protected, dick covered from tip to balls, rights?"
"Dad! I said, I wore a condom."
Jake sat a moment quiet, thinking, driving, he yawned and right on the tail of it, "Yep, had a first time fuck fest and didn't wear a condom every time! When dick is engaged, all brain cells shut down, all good sense goes out the window."
Paul withheld comment - blushing deeper. Jake didn't have to look at him to know that he was right. "Paul - Raymond - McPherson, what have I told you? What have I told your brother's? What have I given every male McPherson on his 15th birthday and on every one after that one, and for Christmas too? I mean, I've invested a great deal of money in cock coats! While everyone else was giving you, stupid video games, new trainers, underwear, sweaters, jackets, socks, what did I give? You think it's cheap keeping all of you coated up for the hard times, and I do mean, the hard times! So that my very own son, the smartest of the bunch, first sign of a piece, says, hell with that, I'm gettin' in while the gettin's good! Why in hell would you do that? I know that's what you've done, I've been there! And you know what, I got stuck - trapped, caught - with no way out."
Paul remained quiet still, unable to argue with him on this one, and there was no sense in lying to him.
"Was she on the pill?" He took a breath to ask.
"I don't know."
"You don't know? Is she clean? Or would you know that?"
"Of course I know - she's clean."
"You Hope."
"I know."
"You Hope you know!"
"Dad!"
"Yeah, dad - dad, you get one dick! No where to pick up another, shield your one dick, you hear me?!"
"Dad, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't use derogatory street slang while discussing Jackie and I."
They were stopped at a light, Jake couldn't speak after that. He stared at the light a moment and then at his son, shaking his head, he didn't know why he did so, but out it came, "Sorry, for, talking that way to you, if, you don't like it."
"Thank you, I appreciate that."
"Nevertheless, while it may not be any of my business, I must inform you - that doing things lik
e that can land you with a child - or - a disease. I hope your first time hasn't left you with either!"
Paul stared at him a moment, then slowly, he smiled. Glancing his way, Jake saw it and did a double take.
"Why are you smiling?"
"I'm not worried about some disease."
"Obviously not, smiling as you were. So uh, what's up with the smile?"
"Nothing."
"I hope to God, you're not hoping you left her pregnant. Good god-amighty Paul, you scare the hell out of me sometimes."
"Why does that scare you? I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and any mistakes I might make."
"Mistakes mean, a change in plans, your plans are for earning an engineering degree, remember?"
"Yep, but - if I had a child, he or she would have to come first, just like we had to come first with you. Whether you wanted to do the right thing by us or not, you still did it."
"You don't think I favored Ben over you, and Kevin?"
"Emmm, well, yeah, you did dad. But, I do understand. I mean, neither one of us were planned. You were young and surrounded by girls-..."
"Who told you that?"
"My mom, your mom, your dad, your sisters - everyone that knew you."
Jake grumbled as Paul continued, "As I was saying, you hadn't planned for us, especially not me, mom cheated to get me from you, so - who am I to complain? Ben was your first, I guess he was bound to be your favorite."
Jake drove on thinking over his words. Finally they pulled up into his brother's driveway to park, "I'm sorry for that Paul. Because, in the end, it doesn't matter how you came about, the fact is, you're my son, that's all that matters. You aren't to blame for everything that's happened to me, and I do love you, I really do."
"Yeah, I know you do. We're gonna be okay, besides, with your other two, Ben and Kevin - you need one of us always on your side, I figure, it should be me, right?"
Jake grabbed Paul to him, hugging him as best he could in the front seat, saying, "My shits pretty damn potent to get one like you after being scraped out of a condom."
Paul laughed, "You poor thing dad, they're all out to get you, it's okay, I've got your back. But, you really must learn to be more of a gentlemen, using less of the expletives."
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