by Linda Grimes
Ah. Addie’s grandmother. A picture of the old woman popped into my head—tall, iron-gray hair, and a back that refused to bend for age or anyone. I remembered her well. I used to laugh whenever Addie had referred to her mother’s mother in such an irreverent way, but something told me she wasn’t being funny now.
“She’s the real reason I went so far away to college. I know I told you it was for a scholarship, but Dad had set up a trust for my education when I was born, so I didn’t need financial aid. But the rest of the money … well, there wasn’t much of it to begin with, and Mom was kind of hopeless at handling it, so my grandmother took over the purse strings. She bought the house from Mom before it could go into foreclosure and has reigned there ever since.”
“Ugh. I gather unconditional help was too much to hope for?” I said.
“From Queen Bitch of the World? Duh. The truth is, I couldn’t stand the way Granny Dearest kept Mom squashed under her thumb, and I wasn’t about to let it happen to me. And the stuff that old bat used to say about my dad … if I’d had to listen to it for much longer, I really would have hired an assassin. So I chose a college in a place I knew she’d rather die than visit.”
Addie’s mom had never told Queen Bitch about her husband’s special ability, knowing the old woman would, at best, find some way to use it against him or, at worst, blab about it to the world.
“I salute your ingenuity,” I said, grinning.
She acknowledged the compliment with a small bow. “Anyway, Queen Bitch is the reason I never came home for breaks or holidays. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Mom or you, or—”
“Wait,” I interrupted when a new thought struck me. “Are you telling me your cowboy is bullshit?”
During our semiregular phone chats, Addie had told me all about the hunky rodeo star she was attached at the hip to, the one she couldn’t bear to be separated from for fear she’d fall into some sort of sex-withdrawal coma without ready access to him. She’d always implied he was the reason she never came home.
“Afraid so. He exists only in my head.”
“But … why?”
“Seemed like the thing to do at the time? I don’t know. Maybe because a fake boyfriend is a lot more fun to talk about than a dysfunctional home life,” she said wryly.
“Geez, you could have told me, you giant dork,” I said, stomping out the embers of hurt feelings threatening to flare up in me. She was obviously upset about something and didn’t need me piling friendship guilt on top of it.
“I know. I know you would have listened and been supportive and done everything you could to help—”
“I would have,” I said fiercely, so she’d know I meant it. “I still would.”
She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “But what I really needed was just one little space in my head where ‘home’ wasn’t all fucked up, you know? You were that space for me, Ciel. When we talked, I could pretend things were like they were before, like they would have been if my dad hadn’t died.” Her eyes begged understanding. “You and I always had so much fun together. I wanted to keep that … I don’t know … safe, somehow. Protected. You were my ‘normal.’ I couldn’t let that go.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I hugged her again. (This time, my chin landed on her shoulder.) “It’s okay,” I finally whispered. “I’ll still listen to your cowboy stories, even if they aren’t true.”
She laughed at that, teary but genuine. “Why wouldn’t you? They’re hot.”
I pulled away and tried to assume a matter-of-fact, businesslike manner. “Okay, then. Tell me everything. But mostly what I can do for you.”
Addie sighed. “Queen Bitch has invited me for tea tomorrow, supposedly in honor of my graduation. She told my mother she wants to present me with my share of the family fortune now that I’m ready to go out and make my way in the world.”
“Why is that a problem?” I asked. Seemed like a good thing to me.
“Well, for starters, it’s just one more dig at my mom—skipping over her in the inheritance pipeline because she married ‘beneath’ her.” Addie rolled her eyes until the whites showed. Nobody could out eye-roll a Royal Dork. “Also, because what she’s actually doing is dangling her money like bait so I’ll have to show up for her command performance. I have a real problem with that.”
I nodded my understanding. “If that’s what she’s doing, it is kind of a dick move.”
“Oh, it gets better. Personally, I don’t give a flying turd about her money, but she also threatened to sell the house out from under Mom if I don’t show up. That house means everything to Mom—she and Dad could barely afford it to begin with, and they worked their asses off renovating it together. To Mom, that house is Dad. And I don’t have the money to buy it for her myself.”
“Listen, I could talk to Mom and Dad. I’m sure they’d be happy to help your mother—”
“No,” she said emphatically. “Mom would never agree to take money from friends, and neither would I. Save the handouts for people who are truly in need.”
“Fine,” I said, knowing better than to argue with her when she had that look on her face. “Be all stubborn about it. Why not just hold your nose and go to the stupid tea?”
“Because if I get near that evil old prune and she says one bad thing about my father—which she will—I just know I’ll slip arsenic into her tea. Which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, if I could manage not to get caught. But I’m guessing Mom and I aren’t currently in the will, so it wouldn’t help our situation, anyway.”
I snorted a laugh.
“Seriously, Ciel. I’d go, but I truly am afraid she’ll push all my buttons, and I’ll tell her exactly what I think of her and fuck it up for eternity. You know how my mouth is.”
Yeah, I did. She was right to be afraid.
“All right, then,” I said, knowing exactly what she was asking of me. “Where is this tea party?”
***
I walked into the Bear Lounge at the Russian Tea Room in Manhattan the next day wearing Addie’s best dress and her aura, wishing her grandmother had chosen a place I liked better. I was nervous enough about pulling off this charade as it was.
Billy still hadn’t called me back with information that could prove crucial to my success. I’d interrupted his date with Kathy at a rather indelicate moment the night before to ask him a favor. He’d said he’d get me what I needed—but only in exchange for me promising to go through with the make-a-teddy thing without embarrassing him in any way while I was him. Naturally. I’d expected no less of him. But if I wound up having to kiss Grandma’s pruney ass to achieve my goal, I was not going to be happy.
Not that I wouldn’t pucker up and do it, if necessary, for Addie.
The old-fashioned, formal décor of the room, with its Fabergé-inspired eggs hanging from gilded trees, was pretty enough, but it had intimidated me as a child, and the revolving bear aquarium had always creeped me out. I’d worried about the poor fish. I mean, what fish wanted to wind up inside a bear?
Addie and I had taken a god-awful early train up from D.C. that morning, using the time to make sure I knew enough details about her not to blow my cover. Luckily, Queen Bi—um, Grandmother—hadn’t seen Addie at all in the past four years and so was unlikely to notice any anomalies I might present. Addie’s mother might be tougher to fool. She’d been out to Idaho a few times and naturally knew her daughter much better. I’d just have to hope she’d chalk up any peculiarities to nerves on Addie’s part.
The real Addie was currently holed up at a budget hotel, waiting for me to return and hand her back her identity (along with a big fat check from Grandma, if things went according to plan). She’d sworn to lie low and not let anyone see her until I got back—especially the hotel staff who’d seen me leave as her, because that could prove difficult to explain.
A large party of women—guess Grandma wanted an audience for her beneficence—was waiting for me at a table in the center of the room under one of the go
lden trees with a disappointingly good view of the crystal-clear revolving bear. (I still felt sorry for the fish.)
I glanced at my watch. Since it was a good five minutes earlier than the time Addie had been told to meet here, I could only suppose that Grandma wanted to throw her off balance by making her appear late. Lucky for Addie, I’m good at ignoring shit like that.
A tall, unassuming, middle-aged woman rose and crossed to meet me. She hugged me tightly, whispering in my ear, “I wish you didn’t have to do this. But thank you.” She sounded nervous.
“Don’t worry, Mom,” I said, voice low. “I won’t kill her. Too many witnesses.”
She stifled a laugh and led me over to the party. “Ladies, you all know my daughter, Addison.”
I nodded politely, keeping a serene smile on Addie’s face. I didn’t know who the hell most of them were and could only pray I wouldn’t have to address them by name.
Addie’s grandmother kept her seat, back stiff as ever, a supremely smug look on her face. There was not a word of greeting or affection for the granddaughter she hadn’t seen in so long. Her eyes conveyed what she wanted to say: I won.
Geez. All right, if that’s the way you want to play it, Grandma. I’ll bite.
I walked around the table, leaned over, and kissed her wrinkled cheek, trying not to cough at the overpowering scent of expensive perfume. “Grandmother, how nice to see you again. You’re looking well.”
She cut me a suspicious look but puffed up, anyway. That’s right, you old biddy, enjoy it. I’m not going to embarrass you in front of your entourage.
“Addison. It’s been ages, my dear,” she said pointedly. “I’m surprised you could pick me out of the lineup. Why, I almost didn’t recognize you.”
I stiffened but kept my cool and gave her a teasing wink. “Surely Mom keeps pictures of me around the house.”
She harrumphed delicately and indicated the empty seat next to her. I sat.
The next hour crawled by, with me sneaking glances at the cell phone hidden under the napkin on my lap every chance I got, praying for a text from Billy.
Damn it. Knowing him, he was probably still in bed with Kathy.
The ladies at the table were taking turns asking me questions I assumed were preassigned by Grandma. Why grill me herself when she could have her minions do it? The only thing she’d contributed was an offhand, nasty-nice comment about how it was such a shame Addison’s father couldn’t be there, if only he’d been a better driver, yadda-yadda-bullshit-yadda. Geez, Addie would have gone for her throat. I was tempted to myself but held firm to my mission.
At least there was champagne—and sandwiches, blini, cupcakes, and petits fours. When I didn’t know the answer to a question, I just stuffed something in my mouth, raved about it, and complimented my hostess on her selection of party venue. By the time she pulled the parchment envelope from her top-of-the-line handbag, I was full to the point of bursting and hoping like hell I wouldn’t belch.
“And now, my dear, what I’m sure you’ve been waiting for,” Grandmother said with an odd shine in her eye.
I smiled graciously and opened it. The card stock was creamy white and expensive, monogrammed with her initials. Inside, written in bold, severe script, was simply “Congratulations. May your future bring you everything you deserve. With as much love as you’ve always shown me. Grandmother.”
Included was a check for twenty-five dollars.
The fake smile froze on my face. Why, the game-playing old witch! If I gave that to Addie, she really would kill the woman.
“Are you quite all right, my dear?” Gangrene Granny said, looking as pleased as I’d seen her since arriving at the restaurant. “Oh, dear. Is that not the going ‘acquaintance’ rate for college graduations anymore? I fear I may be sadly behind the times.”
Uh-huh. Point taken, Grandma.
The old broad had balls, I’d give her that. Sucking up obviously wasn’t going to work. I sneaked another look at the cell phone.
Billy, where the hell are you?
“Are you kidding?” I said, stalling, infusing Addie’s voice with joy and keeping my spine straight. No way was I going to lose Addie’s pride for her on top of not coming through with Granny’s money. “This is so much more than I ever expected from you. Oh my God, I’m so excited I could just pee! Thank you!”
I was steeling myself to hug the old bat when our waiter materialized behind me. He leaned down, placing his upper body between Grandma and me, unobtrusively pulling the napkin from my lap and then pretending he’d picked it up from the floor. What the … ?
Something struck me as familiar. When he winked, I knew even before the eyes in the otherwise plain, fortyish face morphed ever so briefly into the gorgeous black-fringed orbs of my pseudocousin.
“You were supposed to call,” I said as he placed a fresh napkin on my lap, barely articulating the words through clenched teeth. Luckily, the ladies were still tittering over my effusive thank-you to Granzilla and couldn’t hear me.
“Clog in the pipeline. Meet me by the ladies’ room.”
“Um,” I said to the table at large after Billy left the scene. “Please excuse me. Seems I really do need to make use of the facilities. Be right back.”
He was waiting just outside the door of the restroom. “You couldn’t just text me?” I said, keeping my irritated voice low.
“What, and miss all the fun?” he said. “I wanted to watch you operate.”
I rolled my eyes. (All that Royal Dork practice comes in handy sometimes.) “Give over. I have to get back there before the Graninator sends one of her lapdogs after me.”
Billy started talking, rapid-fire. When he was done, I could barely resist planting a huge kiss on the homely face he was wearing.
Once again seated, I took my time readjusting my napkin, watching Addie’s grandmother gloat. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I leaned over and whispered two words in her ear.
Then I settled back and watched her lips shrivel like salted slugs.
She took a hasty sip of champagne and signaled the waiter for another bottle. Billy was there with it immediately, fighting to keep his face expressionless. I didn’t dare catch his eye.
After clearing her throat a few times, Grandmother said, “And of course that was my little joke. I’m so glad you inherited my sense of humor, dear child, so you can appreciate such frivolities. Ha-ha.” She drained her glass and shook it at Billy, who filled it at once. Gee, her throat must have been positively parched. “Naturally, your real gift is the house. My lawyers are working on the title transfer and will have it to you by the end of the day.”
It’s amazing how effective the right words can be. If I could have done it without blowing our cover, I would have jumped up and high-fived Billy.
Unlike Addie, I’d never for a minute believed her grandmother had any intention of giving up the power seat, so the night before, I’d asked Billy if he could use his questionable connections to find out if there were any skeletons in Granny’s closet. His connections had cut it close but had finally delivered a doozy.
Turned out Addie’s stodgy and proper old grandmother had a secret: a long time ago, in a world far, far away from the one she now inhabited, Granny had apparently met her millionaire husband not, as the family history went, at a church social but rather at a burlesque nightclub. Where she was a performer. A headliner, as a matter of fact. Yep, local legend in Louisiana had it that Queen Bitch had once been the star stripper of New Orleans. A Big Teasy in the Big Easy.
Billy had warned me that his contacts hadn’t been 100 percent certain the legend was true, but her reaction when I whispered the name “Fanny Devereaux” in her ear confirmed it nicely.
Of course, I now owed Billy big-time—never a comfortable feeling—but at least it wouldn’t be for long. My field trip with Molly ought to wipe the slate clean. And it was worth it to help Addie.
***
The crystal figurine was beautiful—a dolphin leaping above the
waves. If you looked closely, you could see my name etched onto one of its flippers. Inside a heart, with an arrow through it.
“Ha-ha. Very funny,” I said.
“What’s the matter? I thought you’d like it, what with your new fascination with marine biology and all.” Billy winked and raised his champagne glass to me. “Happy graduation, cuz.”
I’d done it. I was officially a degreed person. Even if I was still at sea (I know—oh, the irony) about my future, at least I had my diploma. I wasn’t going to let a small thing like career cluelessness spoil the day for me. Or Billy’s teasing, either.
I stuck my tongue out at him. “Well, I happen to love it. So there.”
We were at my graduation party. The main floor of my parents’ brownstone was packed with everyone they knew, so Billy had brought me upstairs to my room to give me his gift in private.
“Good.” He stroked the statuette, the sparkle in his eyes becoming even more pronounced. “His name is Spook.”
“I get it, Billy. You know, if you have to explain a joke, it isn’t funny.”
“Just trying to be helpful. And along those lines, a word of caution—though the general shape may suggest otherwise, I think the dorsal fin makes it impracticable for—”
I shoved the box it came in back at Billy, hitting him square in the gut. Not hard enough, though, because he only laughed.
Mark had given me a gag gift, too, before the party. It was book on how to put your best foot forward at a job interview, but he’d softened it with an extra-long hug and a big check. I guess I just look like the kind of girl who appreciates a good joke at her own expense.
Thomas had also given me a check, in the exact amount I’d paid his fake client—his way of letting me know he was on to what I’d done. At least he hadn’t yelled at me, which was nice, even if it was only because he knew I’d tanked my interview with Mark.
“Come on,” Billy said, giving my hair a tiny tug, “we’d better get back downstairs, you being the guest of honor and all. By the way, you did invite your roommate, didn’t you?”