Buried Castles

by Monica Alexander

  And at the end of it all, I left Liar’s Edge behind, hoping one day I’d forget how much I loved to be on stage playing for a crowd and singing the songs I’d written. Unfortunately, that day never came.

  I’d been able to suppress my love of music for a long time, but last summer when Emily had gotten me to a point where I let myself feel again, I’d started to remember what it had been like to do something I loved. She was the epitome of an adoring fan who loved the music as much as I think she loved me, and seeing in her that passion for something I’d helped create gave me a high I’d forgotten I could achieve. That first night we’d been together, when Fall Away had come on her iPod, and I’d started unconsciously signing along, I’d felt the initial stirrings of something inside, but I’d pushed the feelings away. Then the last night we’d been together, once she’d learned my secret, she’d asked me to play for her, and I couldn’t say no. That night had been when everything had come back to me in one scary, overwhelming, electricity-filled rush.

  I missed playing my songs. I missed the band. I missed performing.

  Then everything had gone to shit in an instant, and I’d pushed aside that night along with everything else until my mother had passed away. Now I was playing again. I was writing again, and I felt for the first time in years like I might want to give this music thing I loved so much another shot.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Emily

  The balcony outside my room was incredibly peaceful, as I sat outside in the chilly November air in one of the Adirondack chairs I had put out there, smoking a cigarette and watching the sun set.

  I hugged myself tightly, as the wind blew lightly around me. It was downright cold for the first time all year, but I liked it. The hot weather had extended into September, and October had been unseasonably warm, so I welcomed the change in temperature.

  Stubbing out my cigarette in the ashtray I kept outside, I stepped back inside to get a sweatshirt. Pulling my favorite, and contradictory, Duke University hoodie over my head, I inhaled, searching for the scent I craved that was long gone. I’d worn Zack’s sweatshirt so much since the night he’d let me borrow it that it now smelled more like me than him.

  “Hey,” Chase said, coming into my room and settling backward into my desk chair.

  He was visiting Rachel for the weekend. It was her birthday, and we were all going out that night to celebrate.

  “What’s up?”

  He shrugged. “I wanted to see if you were cool with Mexican for dinner. Rachel wants to go to Del Toro’s.”

  I sat down on the edge of my bed, shoving my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt. “Sure. It’s her birthday. We can go wherever she wants. I’ll see if Ben wants to go with us.”

  “I can’t believe you’re back with that d-bag,” Chase said, pulling up his shirt sleeve and examining the new tattoo he’d gotten earlier in the day. He looked at it for a few moments before letting the sleeve drop again.

  Chase had designed that one himself, just like all of his others, although this was unique. It was a modified love knot, and only if you knew what to look for could you see the interwoven ‘C’ and ‘R’ that were imbedded in the design. He’d finally done something permanent to signify his relationship with Rachel, which I thought was incredibly bold, and possibly stupid since they’d only been together for eight months.

  He’d tried to talk me into getting another tattoo with him, but I hadn’t yet found anything else I wanted to permanently etch on my skin, so until I did, I was abstaining. I’d gotten enough stares and looks of shock when I’d shown up at the house with my flower, which was sort of hypocritical since many of my sisters had tattoos, but because it was me – the girl who never did anything radical – they couldn’t believe it.

  Fortunately, everyone got used to it and my nose ring, but I still got looks of surprise when I ordered a shot at a bar or was spotted on campus smoking a cigarette. It was as if some of my friends still couldn’t believe how much I’d changed over the summer and had a hard time accepting the new me. I think everyone kept waiting for me to say ‘Just kidding!’ and revert back to the boring, predictable girl who never did anything scandalous, but it wasn’t going to happen. I mean, come on. I wasn’t that different. I’d just branched out and tried some new things that I happened to like. Sue me.

  “Ben is not a d-bag,” I said, countering Chase like I always did. “And we’re not back together. We’re just hanging out and–”

  “Fucking,” Chase finished for me.

  I shot him a look. “I was going to say ‘seeing what happens’, but I guess your version works too.”

  “Whatever,” Chase said.

  I could tell he’d grown bored of the same conversation we’d had again and again ever since he’d found out I’d been seeing Ben for two weeks. Rachel initially hadn’t told him, but then she finally caved, and he’d really let me have it. His fight had lost some of its momentum in the past week, so I think he was finally accepting that I was going to do what I felt like doing and his opinions had no baring whatsoever.

  “What time do you want to leave?” I asked him, changing the subject. I wondered how much time I had to get ready. I wanted to jump in the shower if I could.

  “An hour,” Chase said, with no indication that he planned on moving from my desk chair.

  I moved back and stretched my legs out in front of me on the bed, noticing I needed a pedicure. It was a good thing it was winter, and I wasn’t going to have to bare my toes. I didn’t have time to paint them.

  “Okay, I guess I’ll change clothes then.”

  “Yeah,” Chase said, pushing himself up to a standing position, “you wouldn’t want D-bag Ben to see you wearing Zack’s sweatshirt.”

  I shrugged. “He knows about Zack.”

  “Yeah, but does he know you’re in love with Zack and not him?” Chase called over his shoulder as he left the room.

  “I’m not in love with Zack,” I insisted, but I knew I didn’t mean it.

  “Right,” Chase said. “If that’s what you have to tell yourself, then go for it, but you know you don’t believe it for a second.”

  “No, Chase, I don’t believe it, but at the moment, the guy I happen to be in love with isn’t here, and oh, if you remember correctly, he didn’t want anything to do with me, so I can’t really be all that picky.” I muttered this under my breath, so Chase couldn’t hear me.

  I knew he was right, and he knew he was right. I just didn’t want him to know I agreed with him.

  “Just because the guy you want to be with doesn’t want to be with you doesn’t mean you have to settle,” Chase called out to me, having heard what I’d muttered. “Being alone isn’t the end of the world, Em, and there’s a great big world out there with lots of guys who aren’t Ben. Open your eyes and branch out.”

  “Ben’s a good guy!” I yelled, feeling petulant in my need to prove my brother wrong.

  Chase popped his head back into my room. “He could be a fucking saint, but he’s not the guy for you. That’s all I’m saying.”

  Dammit! I hated how intuitive Chase could be sometimes. It drove me crazy that he always seemed to know what was best for me better than I did. Shooting a dirty look at him, I shoved off my bed and marched into the bathroom.

  ***

  “Jen, hey,” I said, spotting her as I was coming down the stairs with Chase and Rachel in tow.

  “Hey guys,” Jen said, as she worked to navigate Lily’s stroller up onto the curb. I looked down and saw the sleeping little girl Jen was trying not wake. “Heading out for the night?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, it’s Rachel’s birthday, so we’re getting Mexican food, and then going to see a band.”

  Jen smiled and sighed. “Ah, yes. I sort of remember what it was like to have nights like that – back when I had a life. Happy birthday, Rach.”

  “Thanks Jen,” Rachel said, as Chase wrapped his arms around her waist and she leaned back against him. It was like those two literally couldn’t
be separated.

  “Jen, you know I’m always available to babysit if you want a night off,” I offered, wondered if she needed a girl’s night out or a child-free evening with her new boyfriend.

  Jen laughed. “That’s so funny that you should mention that. I was actually planning on calling you, Emily. My boyfriend and I have plans tomorrow night, and my friend Marcy was supposed to babysit, but her son has the flu, so we don’t want the kids around each other. There’s not a chance you might be available, would you?”

  “Sure,” I said brightly. Ben had mentioned doing something, but in the spirit of not letting him think we were more serious than we actually were, it might be better if I made other plans.

  “Oh, you’re the best. Thank you! Come over around seven?”

  I nodded. “You got it. See you tomorrow, Jen.”

  ***

  After dinner, Chase, Rachel and I piled into my SUV and drove to Durham to a bar called Devil’s Hangout, where Rachel wanted to celebrate turning twenty-two. We’d never been before but apparently there was a local band called Big Tobacco playing there that night that she wanted to see. Ben was meeting us, having gone to dinner with some of the other UNC football players. It was a bi-week for them, so they were taking advantage of their time off.

  I sat in the backseat, having gotten a good buzz from the three Mexican beers I’d consumed at dinner, and let Chase drive my car. I had a prime view of them holding hands, as Rachel stared goofily at Chase and he stole glances at her, smiling at her throughout the whole drive. I knew they equally hated their long distance relationship, only seeing each other once a month or so, but they were still as in love with each other as they’d been the day they told me they were together.

  As we got out of my car, Chase immediately took Rachel’s hand in his, hating to be separated from her for any length of time. He groaned audibly, and Rachel elbowed him as they noticed Ben standing outside waiting for us. I shot Chase a warning look before crossing the parking lot to Ben.

  “Hey babe,” he said, pulling me into his arms as soon as I reached him.

  “Hi,” I said, standing on my tip-toes to kiss him. He was much taller than Zack, so I had to get used to his height again.

  “Happy Birthday, Rach,” Ben said, as he hugged her.

  I watched Chase make a face and quickly draw Rachel back to his side when Ben released her. It was an effort for me not to roll my eyes. He was so territorial. It wasn’t like Ben was going to steal Rachel from him.

  “Hey man,” Ben said to Chase, going in for one of those guy handshake/hug things, but my brother just sort of nodded and refused to engage him in any sort of friendly way.

  Ben just shrugged and put his arm around me, and I had to give him credit. Chase was a little bit of a dick to him on a regular basis, but Ben never let it get to him.

  “Do you want a drink?” he asked, as we headed inside. “I started a tab at the bar.”

  I shrugged. “Sure. Rach, you want to do some birthday shots?” I asked, turning around to face her. She nodded vigorously.

  As the four of us lined up at the bar, I looked across the way and did a double-take as my eyes came to rest on someone I didn’t expect to see out in Durham. My stomach jumped into my throat at the sight of him, and I swallowed hard.

  “One, two, three,” Rachel counted out, as I pulled myself back to the present, fingers gripping my shot of vodka, my other hand holding a sugar-coated lemon.

  Without thinking, I threw the shot back and shoved the lemon in my mouth, my eyes instantly going to the guy across the bar who I thought I’d never see again. The vodka churned slightly as it settled into my already uneasy stomach.

  “One more?” Chase asked.

  “Hell yeah,” Rachel cheered. “Em?”

  I looked up, startled to hear my name. “Huh?”

  “Here,” Rachel said, passing another full shot glass my way. She counted down again, and we tipped them back in unison, the chilled vodka burning as it went down my throat.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said to Ben and knew my voice must have been shaky.

  “Sure,” he said, not really paying attention to me as he flagged the bartender down for a round of beers.

  I crossed the room, wondering what exactly I was going to say. I realized my hands were shaking, so I shoved them into my pockets.

  “Leo?” I asked tentatively, looking up at the tall, lanky guy in front of me who shared very little in the way of looks with the guy I loved, but who I still related to him in so many ways.

  He turned to look at me, taking a few seconds to place who I was and how he knew me. It was strange to see people you met on vacation in other places, almost as if they permanently remained in that vacation spot with the house you stayed in and the beach you went to every day. It wasn’t normal to see them in a different habitat.

  “Emily, hey,” he said and smiled as he leaned down to hug me. “How are you?”

  “I’m good. How are you? More importantly, what are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same thing. I live here, remember. I graduated from Duke. This is my bar.”

  “Oh,” I said, remembering Zack briefly mentioning that Leo owned a bar. I should have connected the dots when Rachel said the name. I knew it sounded familiar. How could I have forgotten that? “Yeah, I remember now.”

  My eyes immediately started scanning the area around us looking for Zack. I was equally terrified and excited that he might be there that night. He’d said he visited Leo and hung out at his bar, even played there. What if he was playing tonight?

  “He’s not here,” Leo said, bringing my attention back to him.

  “Who?” I asked, showcasing my abominable acting skills, as I tried to play off the fact that I’d been shamelessly looking for Zack.

  “No one,” Leo said. “So you go to UNC, right?”

  I nodded, ever so grateful that he was polite enough to see the need for a subject change.

  “Yeah, we’re here celebrating Rachel’s birthday. You remember her, right?” I asked, gesturing to where Rachel, Chase and Ben stood watching me carefully. “She wanted to see the band you guys have booked tonight.”

  “It’s her birthday?” Leo asked, following my gaze.

  I nodded, as I pulled out a cigarette and lit it, inhaling the sweet smell. Leo was trying to get the attention of someone across the bar. He made some hand gestures when he caught their attention and turned back to me.

  “You smoke?” he asked, obviously remembering all the times I’d turned down offers of cigarettes over the summer.

  “I do now,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t make the connection to Zack.

  “Do you want one?” I asked, feeling the need to be polite. I wasn’t sure what else to say.

  “Sure.”

  I handed him one and braced myself. I had to ask. I most likely wouldn’t see him again, so now was my chance.

  “How is Zack?” I asked, cringing slightly as I waited for him to respond.

  “He’s okay. Some days are better than others – you know. He’s good, though.”

  I actually didn’t know, since Zack and I hadn’t talked in over two months. What I also didn’t know is why Leo was talking about Zack as if he didn’t know what had happened between us. Did he think we still talked?

  “How’s his Mom?”

  “Oh,” Leo said, realization dawning on his face. “You don’t know?”

  “Know what?” I asked, and I knew the answer even before he said it.

  “She passed away – back in September, actually.”

  I felt my chest tighten, as I heard those words. Zack’s mother, who I absolutely adored, who he’d loved more than anyone, was gone. My heart suddenly ached for him. I wanted so badly to call him, hear his voice and make sure he was okay, but I’d deleted his number from my phone long ago.

  “I’m so sorry, Leo. What happened?”

  He shook his head slightly. “You really don’t know? I would have thought Zack would
have told you about that, at least.”

  I shook my head and held my breath, trying to keep the despair out of my eyes, as I was reminded of how much I missed Zack.

  “Oh,” Leo said, finally putting the pieces together at the look on my face. “Well, it all happened so fast. Everything was fine, and then it wasn’t. We were at the beach, and Zack, well it was the night Zack was out all night. He was with you, I think.”

  I nodded, remembering it all too well. It had been one of the best nights of my life.

  “Well, Aunt Lynne woke up at around six in the morning, and she was having trouble breathing, so my mom and Aunt Maggie took her to the hospital. They woke me up and told me to find Zack, but he wasn’t answering his cell phone. I left him like twenty messages. When he finally got home, we all left for the hospital.”

  I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat as Leo had been talking. I was finally learning what had transpired all those months ago when Zack had disappeared on me, and it stung to know that when I’d woken up in his arms, to his smile and his bright eyes staring down at me, that his mother was on her way to the hospital. And his family couldn’t get ahold of him.

  “He was with me,” I quietly confirmed. “His phone had died.”

  “Yeah, I know,” Leo said empathetically, as if he knew how shitty I suddenly felt. “Zack was beside himself with guilt. He kept saying he should have been there. I’ve never seen him so distraught. He was better once we got to the hospital, but he never left his mother’s side. We all got some hotel rooms near the hospital for a few days, and once Aunt Lynne was stable, we went back and packed up for the summer. They kept her in the hospital until she was well-enough to go home, but a week later she was gone.”