“Oh my God,” I whispered, realizing that my eyes had filled with tears while he’d been talking. “Poor Zack.”
“Yeah, he was in a really bad way for a while. After the funeral, he was drunk for a solid week. I was staying with him, and even I couldn’t get him to snap out of it. He didn’t shower, and he barely ate. He just sat on the back porch, drinking and chain-smoking.” Leo shook his head.
I tried to imagine Zack in that state, but I couldn’t picture it. My chest ached just thinking about him. He’d looked bad the last time I’d seen him, but what Leo was describing was ten times worse.
“How is he now?”
Leo nodded. “He’s doing pretty good, you know getting his life back together, getting out more. You know he just–”
“I’m glad to hear he’s doing well,” I said, cutting him off. I didn’t want to hear any more about Zack. He was good, and I had no desire to be updated on his life, because frankly, I wasn’t a part of it anymore. He’d made sure of that. “It was good running into you, Leo, but I should get back to my friends.”
With that, I turned away and started to walk back to where Ben was standing, giving me a questioning look, obviously wondering who I was talking to and why I looked teary-eyed.
“Emily,” Leo called after me, causing me to turn around.
“Yeah?”
“Do you want me to tell him you said ‘hi’?”
I thought about it for a second, and then said, “No. Thanks, though.”
I turned and walked over to Ben, put my arms around his waist and snuggled close to him. He kissed the top of my head, as I relished in the comfort his arms brought and tried to center my emotions. I could see Leo talking to one of the waitresses across the bar. He glanced over at me once before his eyes drifted to Ben then back to me, no doubt wondering who I was hugging so intimately. I wondered then if he’d tell Zack that he’d run into me or not, and if he’d mention that I was with a guy, but then I realized that it didn’t matter. Zack had cut ties with me, and that was that. He wouldn’t care if I was with someone else, and because of that I had no choice but to move on.
A few minutes later one of the waitresses came over to me to let me know a private table had been set up for me and my friends, right by the stage. Leo had set up bottle service for us along with several mixers. I suddenly felt bad for bolting away from him like I had. He was a nice guy, and he hadn’t done anything wrong. I looked for him to thank him, but he had disappeared.
I rounded up Chase and Rachel who were talking to Taryn, our friend Cassie and her boyfriend Evan, who had come out to celebrate Rachel’s birthday. We settled in at the table Leo had set up for us as the opening act, a guy named Andrew Bryce, who I recognized as the only guy in Liar’s Edge who I didn’t know. I’d seen his picture many times as I’d scrolled through their website. He’d been the other guitar player, but he also sang, apparently.
As we drank and enjoyed the show, I couldn’t keep my mind off of Zack. As much as I’d tried to push him away, he was just there, front and center in my mind, and all I could think of was how wrong I’d been. All summer I’d been inclined to read into things that obviously weren’t real. Maybe he really had just wanted a summer fling. Although there were specific things he’d said and done that made me second guess that suspicion. I had vivid memories of our time together, how he’d touched me, how he’d looked at me, and how he’d let me in. It just didn’t make any sense. Toward the end, as I’d held back telling him how I felt, I could have sworn there were times he’d done the same, and I could almost see those three words on the tip of his tongue, even though he never said them out loud.
And maybe that was the key. When it had counted, I’d told him how I felt, but he never had. So I guess that was my answer. He’d never loved me.
At the end of the night, my brain hurt from mulling over the questions I’d never truly have answers to. I needed a mental break, so when Ben asked if he could come home with me, I let him. We were greeted at the door by Bailey, the Chocolate Lab that Rachel and my brother had adopted a few weeks earlier, further cementing the permanency of their relationship. Rachel immediately clipped him onto his leash, and she and Chase headed back downstairs.
Ben followed me into my room and started to kiss me as soon as the door was shut, but I pushed him off, telling him I needed some fresh air. He followed me outside where we settled into the Adirondack chairs, and I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Across the way, I could see Chase and Rachel holding hands and sharing a cigarette as they let Bailey do his business. Chase leaned over and kissed her neck, and she smiled widely.
“You know I hate that you do that,” Ben said, more brazen that he’d ever been about my smoking habit, as he pulled my attention back to him.
I shrugged, in no mood for his lectures. “Get over it. I smoke now.”
“Come on, Em,” he said, calling me out. “This isn’t you – the smoking, the nose ring, the tattoo. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I grumbled, remembering the fight we’d had when we’d broken up over the summer. His statement was seriously reminiscent of that conversation.
“Bullshit,” Ben said, staring hard at me. I continued to look straight ahead, searching for the comfort I always found in the scent of the cloves.
Finally, I turned to look at him. “Just let it go, Ben.”
I realized I’d said it louder than I’d intended when Chase looked up at us and his gaze connected with mine. Rachel was busy scooping up Bailey’s mess, so she hadn’t heard, but Chase had, and he subtly shook his head at me, as if trying to silently communicate that I needed to move on.
Yeah, he was probably right.
I sighed loudly, exasperation for my brother and Ben equal in that moment as Ben let the subject go, but picked up another equally uncomfortable one. “Who was that tall guy you were talking to when we first got to the bar tonight?”
“Leo,” I said, not elaborating, but then deciding that I didn’t need to be a bitch to him just because I was in a bad mood. “He’s Zack’s cousin. I hung out with him over the summer, and he owns Devil’s Hangout apparently.”
Ben’s eyebrows shot up. “Zack, as in your ex-boyfriend, the guy you cheated on me with, who you dumped me for, and who broke your heart? That Zack?” Ben asked, cutting right into the deep wound that had opened back up in my chest that night.
“Yes,” I said curtly. “And thanks so much for reminding me of that ever so gently.”
Ben pouted. I knew he hated what had gone on with Zack and me, but it wasn’t like I could take any of it back or change how I felt about him.
“Oh, get over yourself,” I said, curtly. “Leo has nothing to do with Zack. I know him, that’s all. He’s a friend. He was telling me about Zack’s mom – how she passed away in September. Are you happy now?”
“No,” Ben said, looking hurt. “I’m sorry his mother died. Is that why you were crying?”
“Yeah,” I said, softening a bit as I thought about Zack’s mother and how kind she always was to me. Even as sick as she was, she kept things light and tried to make her son, who was shouldering such a big burden, smile and laugh. “She was a really nice woman. I can’t believe she’s gone. It’s sad, you know.”
He nodded.
I leaned my head back against the chair, blew smoke up into the dark night sky, and looked over at him. “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” I said, reaching over to him. He took my hand. “It just took me by surprise. I didn’t expect to run into Leo tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him.”
“I’m sorry I got upset, too,” Ben said. “I’m just afraid of losing you to that Zack guy again.”
I laughed, a non-humorous laugh, as I ignored the claim he’d just staked on me. I wasn’t in the mood to remind him that we weren’t exclusive. “Lucky for you, he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I haven’t heard from him since I left the beach.”
Ben looked over at me, his face full of care and concern. “He doesn’t
know what he’s missing.”
I smiled weakly at him, letting all of my irritation go at his endearing comment that I knew he truly believed. “Thanks. I needed that.”
He squeezed my hand. “Let’s go inside okay?”
“Okay,” I said, following him into my room and essentially shutting out the world around us that just didn’t seem to make any sense to me anymore.
Chapter Seventeen
Zack
As was becoming a normal occurrence since I’d moved back, I went over to Jen’s on Wednesday night to watch Lily so she could go out with Andrew, her boyfriend, who was also one of my best friends. I guess that’s the mark of truly being able to be friends with an ex. If you can stomach, without any animosity, the fact that she’s sleeping with your friend, you’re over her.
Of course, Andrew was also her ex. They’d dated in high school, and I’d met her through him and Derrick freshman year when Derrick and I were roommates. We started Liar’s Edge together with Leo, and Jen made a habit of coming around when we were rehearsing. She was a year older and gorgeous and liked to flirt with me, and me being the horny college freshman I was, I let her. Fortunately, by that point, she and Andrew had been over for a few years, so he gave me the go-ahead, and I asked her out.
How Jen and Andrew actually got together this time around was still a little gray, but I was pretty sure Jen hadn’t dated anyone since Lily was born, so she was due, and I was glad she was dating Andrew. He was a good guy. I think she appreciated the fact that he knew her and her history. He also knew Lily, Lily liked him, and Jen trusted him to be around our daughter.
Jen never stayed out late on the weeknights she went out with Andrew since she had work the next day, but Lily went to bed around seven, so I spent most of my nights alternating between watching bad TV and writing music about girls who got away. My writing had transitioned in the past few weeks from melancholy to optimistic, and I’d started imagining more and more what it would be like to recreate these songs on-stage in front of a crowd.
Leo and I had even started playing around with melodies, trying to put music to my newer lyrics, and the weekend before we’d actually had Derrick and Andrew over to play with us. It had felt like old times, the four of us in Leo’s garage, banging out music for hours. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it, and I think Leo could tell. He’d had been talking my ear off ever since about getting Liar’s Edge back together, and for the first time since I’d quit the band, I was seriously considering it.
I looked up from my notebook when I heard a key in the front door.
“Good night?” I asked, when I saw the smile on Jen’s face.
She grinned wider. “Yeah,” she sighed as she hung her coat in the hall closet. “He’s such a good guy, Zack. I’m really happy.”
I smiled as she took a seat on the chair next to the couch. “Good for you,” I said genuinely.
I let her talk for a few minutes about their date, and I think she forgot that I wasn’t one of her girlfriends, because she sheepishly looked at me mid-sentence and shook her head.
“Never mind,” she said. “I’ll call Kristin tomorrow and talk her ear off about him. You don’t want to hear this. Tell me about you. Anyone special in your life?”
Her question caught me off-guard, and I looked down at the song I’d been working on. I quickly shoved my notebook into my backpack. I didn’t need her to see that I’d just been writing what could only be described as a love song. I wasn’t sure I was ready to come clean to her just yet. She knew I hadn’t dated anyone since Lily was born, since I’d given up my ‘reckless man-whore ways’, so I wasn’t sure how she’d take the news that I’d met someone over the summer, and I hadn’t really stopped thinking about her.
I’d never told Jen about Emily while I’d been seeing her, simply because in my head Emily and I were never serious. We were just having fun. With everything I had going on in my life with Jen and Lily and my mom, it was easy to just pretend I was someone else for a while. I’d even kept Lily from Emily, not letting her know that I had a daughter. It had been easy since Jen and Lily had spent the summer with her parents in Pasadena, and I only got to talk to her over the phone. There was never a risk of us running into them and my worlds colliding. I’d essentially compartmentalized my life so I could be two different people for a while, but it hadn’t worked in the end.
When my mom had gotten sick, Jen and Lily had flown back from Pasadena and had come to the hospital. Suddenly, with Emily calling my cell phone while I was holding my daughter in my arms, everything just became too muddled, and I knew I could never combine the two worlds. Emily was all about fun and letting go, and Lily was my baby girl. I had to be responsible and mature and a good father because it was what she deserved. I couldn’t be the guy who ran off with a girl and had wild sex on the beach. It would never work.
But more than that, I pretty much knew how Emily felt about me by that point, and I also knew she was big on trust. She’d opened up to me about every facet of her life, and I think she felt like I’d done the same. If she found out I’d lied about Lily, she’d never forgive me. It was easier to just cut and run before things got more out of hand than they already were.
So I made the decision to let Emily go, and in the moment it had seemed like the right thing to do. Now I wasn’t so sure. Back when I was living five hours from her, it was easy, but now I was living in the same town where she lived and went to school, where Jen lived. I could run into her at any time. Our worlds could collide at any moment, and I wasn’t sure how I would ever explain to her that the guy she met over the summer was a ghost of who I really was. I couldn’t be him anymore.
Aside from that, I would have to tell her I’d been dishonest about the most important person in my life. There had been several times when I’d wanted to tell her, when I’d come so close to sharing everything with her, but I never could, and that felt like a betrayal to not only her but to Lily.
“No,” I said to Jen. “There isn’t anyone special in my life, besides you and Lily. You know that.”
“Zack, you need to get out there. You can’t be single forever,” she chastised.
“I’m good,” I said, smiling.
I’d been ‘out there’ enough for three lifetimes, and it hadn’t done me a bit of good. I didn’t plan on dating again until I found someone I could have a relationship with. I was done with casual sex and casual dating. Hell, I didn’t even want to put myself out there for dating at this point. I still felt like my life was in turmoil, and I needed to get settled before I took on something or someone else.
“You’re also a really good guy,” Jen said, giving me a knowing look.
I stretched out on the couch. “Yeah, tell that to all the girls I had fun with a few years ago. I’m sure they thought I was just stellar when I never called them again.”
Jen shrugged. “It’s in the past. Don’t beat yourself up over what you can’t change. You made some mistakes, but when it counted, you were there for me. You were there for Lily. You’re not that guy anymore.”
I was just glad she was finally realizing that again. Six weeks ago, when I’d hit rock-bottom, I knew she hadn’t seen me as a great guy. I was just glad I’d been able to prove her wrong.
“I know,” I sighed. “I’ll get out there again when I meet the right girl.”
Or when I see the right girl again, I thought, my mind flitting back to Emily. Was she who I wanted to be with? No, even if I wanted that, she’d never forgive me for what I did to her and what I never told her. I’d caused too much damage. It was too late.
“Oh, congrats on the show,” Jen said, changing the subject.
“What show?” I asked, knitting my eyebrows together in confusion.
“Your show in two weeks,” she said. “Andrew told me you got a gig playing some frat party at UNC. Frankly I’m a little pissed you didn’t tell me you guys were getting back together, but I’m happy for you nonetheless.”
“We’re not b
ack together,” I countered, sitting up straighter and facing her.
“Um, according to Andrew you are. He said that Leo called him last night to see if he wanted back in. He said you were in and so was Derrick. Andrew said he said yes in under two seconds.”
I was going to kill Leo. I’d never agreed to get the band back together. What the hell he thinking?
“I guess Kristin’s been updating the website all day today and working on getting the word out that Liar’s Edge is available for shows,” she continued. “I’m considering booking you guys for our office party in December. What do you think?”
Jen was eyeing me with confusion now, searching my face for signs of acknowledgement, as if I would suddenly remember I’d agreed to start playing music professionally again.
“Zack?”
“I have to go,” I said, shoving my things into my backpack.
“Zack, what’s wrong?” Jen asked, when I headed for the door without another word. “Shit, you didn't agree to this.”
Jen was the only person who knew the truth about why I’d left the band in the first place. She knew what a big deal it was for me to even be considering playing with Liar’s Edge again, and she knew my underlying fears of being back in the music world.
“No, I didn’t,” I said, opening the door and closing it behind me – stopping just before I slammed it because I remembered Lily was sleeping – before I hoped on my bike and sped off toward Devil’s Hangout, ready to kick Leo’s ass.
Chapter Eighteen
Emily
I sat on Jen’s couch reading for one of my classes. Lily had gone to sleep hours earlier, so I’d been capitalizing on my downtime to catch up on schoolwork. Then in the middle of taking notes, my pen had decided to crap out on me, and of course, I didn’t have another one. Knowing I couldn’t leave the apartment, even to run upstairs, I figured I could just borrow one from Jen.
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