“Daddy!” Lily cried, as looked up and saw me. She scrambled up from where she was playing, stepping directly in the middle of the half-finished castle, and threw herself into my arms.
“What’s up, baby girl?” I asked, kissing her on the cheek a few times, making her smile.
“We’re pwaying,” she said, pointing down to where Emily sat looking uncomfortable.
It had been just over three weeks since we’d seen each other, since she’d stormed out of my house after my asinine offer to be her friend. I hadn’t called her, wanting to give her some space to cool off. I figured she’d be back home in Charlotte for Christmas break, but apparently she’d come back early. When I’d heard this, I’d planned to give her a call, but then Jen had asked me if I could pick up Lily from the park since she was dealing with an unexpected issue with her dad, and I figured an in-person meeting would be better than a call. Emily would have a harder time hanging up on me when we were face-to-face.
“Oh yeah?” I said to Lily. “What are you making?”
“A pwincess castle,” she said, pointing to the now ruined castle Next to it lay the bucket she’d been filling with sand.
“Is it for you?” I asked, tickling her tummy. “You’re a princess.”
“Yeah,” she said, nodding her head enthusiastically. “And Emmy. She’s a pwincess too!”
“Is she?” I said, my glance drifting to Emily. I made sure to lock my eyes with hers but didn’t say anything else. I needed to feel her out first.
“And what about the prince?” I asked. “Does he get to live there too?”
“No,” Lily said somberly, and I glanced at Emily to see if she had anything to do with that.
Either her depressing music about break-ups was getting to my daughter or the fact that I didn’t live with her mommy was already affecting her. Emily’s eyes were as wide as mine, but I saw her glance at her iPod before reaching over to change the song. I was thankful when a Beatles song came on next. At least she was varying the music she played for Lily.
“Oh blah blee,” Lily said excitedly, looking back at the iPod, and Emily and I both laughed. I looked down at her and smiled. She smiled back. We were making progress.
“Yeah, baby, you know this song,” I said, rocking her playfully in my arms, making her laugh.
“Life goes on,” Emily muttered matter-of-factly, standing up and brushing the sand off the back of her jeans.
I wasn’t sure what she meant by that comment or if she was just commenting on the song, but I was pretty sure there was a deeper meaning to what she said, and it had something to do with me.
“Do you want to swing, baby girl?” I asked Lily, trying to change directions before things got more awkward between Emily and me.
“Yea! Swing,” Lily said cheerfully.
“Come on,” I said, looking over my shoulder at Emily who was cleaning up Lily’s toys.
“That’s okay,” she said. “I should go. Jen knows you’re picking Lily up?”
I nodded. “She called me. She’s still dealing with the doctors since her mother is pretty much checked out, and she hasn’t made much headway in finding out how her dad’s doing.”
Jen had gotten the call that her father had had a heart attack on the tennis court that morning and had been trying to get through to his doctors most of the day. I’d been working an afternoon shift at the bar, so I couldn’t take Lily. Thankfully Emily had been available.
“I hope he’s okay,” she said, as she stacked Lily’s sand pails inside of one another.
“He’s stable, but that’s all Jen knows at this point.”
“That’s good,” she said, as Lily tugged on my shirt sleeve.
“Daddy! Swing!” she said, and I knew why Jen had wanted some peace and quiet. Lily was a little ornery as she squirmed in my arms and had no doubt made it hard for Jen to make the phone calls she needed to make. The Terrible Twos just might be on their way.
“Okay, okay,” I said, pulling the fabric of my shirt out of her iron grip. “We’ll go swing. Are you coming?” I turned around and saw the look of hesitation on Emily’s face as she froze in a half-standing position.
“I should get home,” she said. “I actually have plans.”
“A date?” I asked, swallowing the bad taste those words left in my mouth.
She shrugged, and I took that as a yes.
“What time is he picking you up?” I asked, surprising myself with how candidly I could speak about something that made me physically ill when I thought about it. It was New Year’s Eve. I wanted to be the guy taking her out.
She glanced at her watch. “In about an hour and a half.”
Who is he? I wanted to ask, but I held back.
“Hang out for a few minutes,” I said, smiling at her, hoping it would be an invitation in itself.
“Okay,” she said hesitantly.
She started to follow me over to the swings, and I couldn’t help but imagine us like that permanently. Me, her and Lily – a happy little family – and I succeeded in surprising the shit out of myself when I realized the thought had crossed my mind. I’d only been joking when I’d told Leo I should propose to Emily, but apparently my subconscious had other ideas. Was I seriously considering what it would be like to marry this girl?
Over the summer I’d wanted nothing to do with a serious relationship, and even when I’d moved back, I hadn’t been looking for a girlfriend. But come to think of it, I actually hadn’t looked at another girl since I’d met Emily. Maybe what I wanted was what I’d been fighting against for years, and I didn’t just want to date Emily. Maybe I wanted more.
“Did you have a nice Christmas?” Emily asked, pulling me back to the present where she was standing in front of me, bundled in a red puffy coat and hat and sporting pink cheeks that told me she was cold.
I wanted to pull her into my arms and warm her up, and kiss her cheeks until they no longer held the chill from the air.
“Sure,” I said, as I loaded Lily into the swing, buckling the safety belt around her waist.
Christmas had felt strained. I’d gone with Jen and Derrick to their parents’ house in Pasadena since my dad and Sierra were going to the Virgin Islands for two weeks. I knew Christmas would be rough for me, and being somewhere foreign, that didn’t have any reminders of my mom, was what I’d needed. I knew my Aunt Jane was disappointed I hadn’t come home with Leo, but I just couldn’t be around family.
I smiled at Emily knowing I could easily bum her out with my tales of holiday joylessness and focused on what had been good about the trip.
“Lily saw Santa Claus, and she ate her first candy cane, and she loved opening all her gifts, but I think she liked ripping the wrapping paper more than anything. She kept sticking the bows on the dog, which he hated and she loved. It was funny.”
Emily laughed, and I realized how long it had been since I’d heard her laugh. It was a good sound. I desperately wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her, but I knew I had to exercise patience. We were talking. That was step number one. Step number two would come soon enough.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Emily
I was screening my calls when my phone rang, and I almost hit ‘Ignore’ when I realized it was Zack and not Alan, the guy I’d gone out with on New Year’s Eve.
“I almost screened you,” I said candidly when I picked up, forgetting that Zack and I weren’t really in a place where we could joke with each other.
“Oh, I’m glad you didn’t?” he said, and I could tell he wasn’t sure if I’d meant I was considering screening because it was him calling.
“Sorry. I wasn’t screening you,” I said quickly. “I’m screening my date from the other night. He keeps calling, and it’s just not going to happen because he talked non-stop about himself all night, and – I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my dating woes. Sorry.”
Zack laughed. “No, it’s fine. You can pour your heart out to me about the guy who can’t take a hint – n
ot that I can blame him.” His laugher then stopped abruptly, almost as if he’d caught what he’d said and regretted it. Apparently he’d also forgotten the state of our relationship.
“So, what’s up?” I finally asked, wondering why he was calling.
Maybe he thought I’d changed my mind about being friends after we’d spent some time talking in the park the other day. I hadn’t, but I’d been friendly enough that day, so maybe I’d given off that vibe. Truthfully, seeing him and talking with him had been achingly painful, especially knowing there wasn’t a chance we could be together. He didn’t want that.
“I have a proposition for you,” he said cryptically.
“A proposition?”
“Yes. I’m just asking, and you can feel free to say no, but you’d really be helping me out.”
“Okay. What is it?” I asked warily.
He took a deep breath. “I have to go home for a few days to sort through my mom’s things. Every January, my mother and her friends would collect donations – clothes, household items, food – and give them to charity. It was their way of staring the new year fresh. Anyway, my mother left specific orders that I was to donate all of her belongings to charity. I have to take everything over to her friend’s house by this weekend, and I haven’t gone through any of it.”
“Okay,” I said, not sure what he was getting at. Did he want me to help him, because I was not going to be alone with him in his mother’s house. That was not happening.
“I know I probably should have done this before I moved back, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get rid of anything. I honesty still don’t want to, but she’d be pissed if she knew I’d disobeyed her wishes, and knowing her she’ll come back and haunt me, so I don’t want to piss her off.”
He laughed, so I laughed along with him. I knew he was trying to make light of a situation that freaked him out. My heart went out to him, and I wanted to hug him just to be sure he was okay. Maybe I could help him go through her stuff. I could be a friend and do that for him. It would be uncomfortable as hell, but I could do it.
“So how can I help?”
He laughed, and I thought he sounded nervous. “Well, you know Jen’s in California? Well, I have Lily, and there’s no way I can spend the time I need going through my mom’s stuff with her there. She’ll be bored and antsy, and I don’t want to rush through this, so I was hoping maybe I could pay you to come with us and be her nanny for two days.”
He let his statement hang out in the air for a few seconds, so it had time to really sink in. All he needed was a babysitter. Great.
“Please,” he said when I didn’t answer. “I don’t have anyone else to ask. Leo and Kristin are still in Pennsylvania, and Derek and Andrew are with Jen. You’re probably the only other person I’d trust to watch Lily. Please.”
Wow. As much as I wanted to say no, I didn’t think I could.
“I’ll pay you,” he said again.
“Zack, I don’t want your money,” I said, feeling cheap somehow that he was offering. Even though Jen paid me to watch Lily, it felt wrong when it was him offering. Maybe it was because we’d slept together or because I was in love with him, even though I didn’t want to be, but either way, it felt dirty.
“Okay,” he said sighing. “I knew it was a long shot, but I figured I’d ask. Thanks anyway. I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Wait, Zack, no. I’ll do it.”
“You will?” he asked, and I could hear the relief in his voice.
“Yeah. I just don’t feel right taking your money.”
“I have to pay you,” he insisted.
“No you don’t. It’s for a good cause. Consider it my donation to your mom’s charity. I’ll even throw in a few bags of clothes I need to donate. How does that sound?”
“Like you’re a life saver,” he said enthusiastically. “Thank you, Emily. Really. I mean it. You’re the best.”
Yeah, I’m such a good friend.
“When do we leave?” I asked, cutting to the chase. Hearing him wax on about how wonderful I was wasn’t helping my ego like it should have.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow at nine.”
“It’s a date,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut as soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth. Thankfully Zack didn’t comment on my Freudian slip.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Emily
I wasn’t prepared for what being in such close proximity to Zack would actually mean until I spent five hours in the car with him on the way to the Outer Banks. I was nervous the whole time and fidgety, but thankfully he didn’t say much. I could tell he was on edge, and I knew it was because of what he was facing. I already knew that Lily and I would make ourselves scarce so he could take the time he needed to sort through his mom’s things, so I started making a mental list of all the things we could do.
He let me play deejay, so I plugged in my iPod and let it shuffle through my songs. Whenever I’d hear one that reminded me of the summer or of him, I’d get all stiff and awkward. I don’t know if he noticed, but if he did, he didn’t say anything.
The best part of the ride, however, was when a Liar’s Edge song came on, and Lily said from the backseat, “Daddy sing.”
I thought Zack was going to slam on the breaks he was so shocked, so I turned around to face her. “Is that your daddy singing?” I asked.
She smiled and giggled. “Daddy sing and pay.”
I looked over at Zack, and he was grinning into the rearview mirror, watching Lily in awe. It made my heart melt, and for the first time I realized what it must feel like to be a parent – to witness your child develop a personality and learn things about the world and figure things out little by little. Zack looked like a proud father, and I hated that some girl who wasn’t me would end up with him, would get to marry him and have kids with him. I hated that I wasn’t enough.
For the rest of the ride I sulked and looked out the window, never glancing at Zack again.
When we walked into the house, I took the time to look around. When I’d visited before, there’d always been people around, but now seeing it empty and quiet was strange. In fact the whole island felt different. There were no tourists, and with gray skies overhead and cold air whipping around us, everything seemed darker. It fit my mood perfectly.
I’d noticed as we drove by Phil’s Tavern that the outdoor patio was empty, and that just seemed strange to me. But a part of me actually felt relief. Had the island looked and felt like it had that summer, I probably would have had to fight back tears. There were so many memories in danger of coming back to haunt me that it was better to keep them buried.
Lily was sleeping in her car seat, so Zack, as only a seasoned parent can do, lifted her out of the seat and carried her inside, gently laying her on his mom’s bed. She never even stirred. I started to unload the car, and he joined me after getting her settled. Traveling with a child meant we had to bring a lot more stuff than if it had just been the two of us.
While Lily slept, Zack and I started going through the kitchen. There wasn’t much he was going to donate since he planned to keep the house and needed a lot of the kitchenware, but there were still some things we set aside. He didn’t question when I’d started helping him, so I figured it was okay.
We worked pretty much in silence, only talking when we had to. It was awkward, but I told myself I was doing the right thing. I was being a good friend whether I wanted to be or not.
Two hours into our project, we’d moved into the living room when Lily started to cry. Zack moved to get up, but I stopped him.
“I’m the nanny,” I said. “I’ve got her.”
“Hey you,” I said, walking into the bedroom. Zack had moved her to her pack-n-play once he’d gotten it set up.
“I’m firsty,” she said, holding her arms out to me so I could lift her. “Want juice.”
“Sure, we’ll get you some juice,” I said, stopping short when I noticed all the pictures on the wall. They were of Zack and h
is mom throughout the years, and as I held Lily in my arms, I started at the first one that must have been taken when he was first born. I walked the length of the room, examining each picture. It was uncanny how much Lily looked like him when he was little.
I pointed at a picture of Zack when he must have been around eight. He had a guitar in his hand and his mom was watching him play. “Daddy,” I said to Lily and she giggled.
“Gamma,” she said, pointing to Zack’s mother.
“I see you found the shrine,” Zack said, and I spun around to see him leaning against the door jam. He was smirking as if he was embarrassed by all the pictures of him.
“You were a really cute kid,” I said, keeping my distance. He seemed to be doing the same.
“Daddy,” Lily said, pointing to the picture we’d just been looking at.
“Yeah,” Zack said, pushing off the door frame. “That’s Daddy, and that’s Daddy, and that’s Daddy.” He pointed to several pictures down the line. “Grandma just loved to take pictures and embarrass Daddy.” He smiled.
He called himself ‘Daddy’. It caught me off-guard once again.
“Daddy? Where Gamma?” Lily asked, and I looked at Zack, not sure how he would respond.
“Grandma is in Heaven,” he said, taking her out of my arms. “She’s an angel now.”
“Angel,” Lily said, her eyes wide.
“Yeah, she’s a beautiful angel.”
I inadvertently reached over and smoothed down the curls on the back of her head. Zack looked up in surprise, catching my eye. I pulled my hand back as if it had been shocked, but my eyes never left Zack’s.
“Come on, let’s get you some juice,” he said to Lily. “Em, you want some juice?”
“Sure,” I eeked out, not sure what had just happened between us.
***
“You’re so good with her,” Zack said, as we sat at a table at Phil’s. He was watching Lily and me color.
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