“I know. I should have done a lot of things, but I panicked. I just wish I could take it all back, because I know how badly I hurt you, and that just kills me.”
He looked up at me appraisingly for a few seconds, as tears well up in my eyes.
“I have regretted every single day that we haven’t been together, Emily,” he said, as he leaned his head back against the wall and looked over at me. “I honestly feel like I lost two people this summer – one wasn’t my fault, but one was, and I’m sorry. I’m just sorry, and I know you don’t feel the same way anymore, but I just had to put it out there. I had to tell you.”
“Zack, I don’t understand,” I said, searching his face for some indication as to what he was trying to say.
“My mom told me before she died that I needed to get back the girl who made me smile, and she was talking about you, and I didn’t listen at first, but then I finally realized she was right because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I couldn’t get you out of my head. You know the song Without you? The one you thought was for my mom?” I nodded. “I wrote it for you, Em. I wrote you a thousand songs, because there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of you. And I couldn’t tell you how I felt, so I did what I do best, and I put what I was feeling in a song, thinking one day I would play it for you, and then you would know.”
My eyes widened in surprise. I hadn’t known.
“Then I did this,” he said, raising his left forearm to show me what he’d tattooed there. It was the chorus to Without You. “I did it, because I wanted a memory of the girl who made me fall in love again – the only girl who got through to me and made things better and loved me when I was falling apart. Even if that girl never forgave me, never loved me again, I’d never forget her. But I hoped with everything in me that you would forgive me, because I wanted so badly to make it up to you.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “I just kept remembering that first conversation we had, and how you told me you wanted a fairytale life, and all summer, I just wanted to give that to you. But then I fucked up, and I felt like such a failure, and you were gone, and nothing was good when you weren’t with me.” His face fell. “I’m so sorry, Emily. I was a jerk. I was scared, because what I feel for you, I’ve never felt for anyone. Please know that I never wanted to hurt you. I love you, and I wish I could take it all back.”
My heart started pounding. I couldn’t speak. Had I really heard him correctly? Did he just tell me he loved me?
“Princess,” he said, leaning his forehead against mine, “you made me happy when I should have been miserable. You were the only person who could reach me, and maybe that scared me. You accepted me – broken and faulty. You never questioned my mood swings or anything that I was dealing with. You were perfect, and it scared the shit out of me. I never should have let you go.” He paused. “I need you Em, I need you in my life. I lost my mom, I can’t lose you too.”
His eyes searched mine, waiting for a response, and when I didn’t say anything, he continued. “I’ve been a fucking idiot. I knew you hated me and didn’t trust me, and I just figured if maybe we could be friends, then you could learn to like me and trust me again, but that backfired, so I decided to come clean, tell you my story, let you know the real me, hoping you would know how I felt because what I told you, I’ve never told anyone else, but then you ran when I tried to kiss you at my mom’s house, and then the next day you said we could be friends, and that was like a giant knife to the gut, because I wanted to be anything but friends with you. And I know my life is crazy. I’m in a band, and we’re going to try to make it which is really tough in its own right, but I also have a kid with my ex, and I haven’t had a girlfriend in three years, and I’ve made some really bad decisions, multiple times in my life, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am flat out in love with you, and I’ll do anything to get you back.”
He paused to take a breath before opening his mouth again, but I put my hand over it to stop his rambling, even though he was being incredibly adorable in that moment.
“You love me?” I asked, looking up at the face I loved so much thinking back to the summer when all I’d wanted him to say was those three little words.
I felt him smile, so I moved my hand.
“Yeah, I do,” he said passionately, his beautiful light brown eyes reflecting what he was telling me. “I think I always have.”
I reached up and traced his jawline with my finger before moving it over to his lips. He kissed my finger.
“Em, I couldn’t give my mom a fairytale life, but I want to give you one. Please forgive me. Please take me back?”
I wasn’t able to respond. All I could do was sit there as his words repeated themselves again and again. I’d wanted to hear them for so long.
Please forgive me. Please take me back.
Please forgive me. Please take me back.
I didn’t think I’d ever really let him go.
“I have very kissable lips,” he said when I didn’t respond, and I think he misinterpreted my hesitation.
Not wanting him to have to guess any longer, I closed the distance between us, touching my lips to his for the first time in four months. I realized as I kissed him that it felt the same as it had every time I’d kissed him over the summer. He was so familiar to me, and I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of kissing him.
I moved to my knees to get better leverage as he put his hands on either side of my hips, holding me in place, his tongue lightly tracing my lips, asking permission to go further. I parted my lips for him and dove headfirst into the kiss. My arms wrapped around his neck, my fingers running through his still damp hair as he kissed me with more force and passion than I’d felt in a long time.
When he finally pulled back and looked at me, he was grinning a crooked smile. “So I’m interpreting that as yes. Am I wrong?”
“Zack, I don’t want a fairytale life,” I said, shaking my head. “I told you that before. I just want you – no matter how imperfect things get, being with you makes me happy. That’s all I need.”
“Can you at least let me try to make it perfect?”
“No secrets?” I asked, knowing that as long as he was honest, our life together would be good.
“No secrets,” he said, pulling me against him. “Ever again, princess.”
“I sort of love that you call me that,” I said, the giddiness I was feeling creeping into my voice.
“You didn’t love it very much when I called you that a month ago,” he mumbled.
“A month ago? What do you mean?”
He laughed. “You really don’t remember, do you?”
“Remember what?”
“Uh, screaming at me outside of your apartment, telling me you hated me and that I couldn’t call you princess anymore?” I shook my head. “Yeah, well you said all that right before you kissed me, and then you told me you hated me again and left me standing on the sidewalk.”
I gasped suddenly, everything I’d thought had been a dream coming back to me. “That was real?!”
He laughed again.
“I totally thought it was a dream,” I said, burying my head in his neck. “I’m so sorry I said all that.”
“Hey, no worries,” he said, his accent getting just a little thicker at that moment. “It was a good kiss.”
“But I said I hated you,” I said, lifting my head to look at him, feeling mortified I’d acted so childish.
“You didn’t mean it,” he said, keeping his gaze on me.
“No, I didn’t,” I said, shaking my head before I kissed him again.
“By the way, nice sweatshirt,” he said, around my lips.
I pulled away, breaking the kiss, to look down at what I was wearing. I hadn’t even realized I’d thrown on his Duke sweatshirt when Leo had called, and I’d bolted out of the apartment so fast.
“Don’t you go to UNC, though?” he asked, cocking his pierced eyebrow at me. I leaned forward and kissed his temple, right next to his
piercing.
“Yeah, I do, but this really amazing guy gave this sweatshirt to me, and he never asked for it back. It’s sort of my favorite, but I honestly liked it better when it smelled like him.” I shrugged.
Zack laughed. “Well keep me around, and it will,” he said, and he leaned forward to pull the sweatshirt off over my head.
“I’m going to want that back,” I teased.
He smiled. “You can have it back later,” he said, before he kissed me long and deep.
Chapter Forty-Two
Zack
“Is this real?” Emily asked as she looked up at me, sleep still clouding her eyes. “I’m not dreaming, am I?”
I smiled. She’d fallen asleep in my arms, and I’d stayed awake, watching her sleep for what must have been hours. I’d finally drifted off around three in the morning, but my iron-clad grip on her never wavered. Then I’d awoken, and she’d still been sleeping, so I’d again watched her peaceful, perfect face, aching to kiss her, but not wanting to disturb her.
“Hi,” I said, loving how the early morning sunlight coming through my window bathed her in warmth and gave her a glow.
She rotated so she was facing me, her chin resting on her hands that rested one on top of the other on my bare chest. She gazed up at me through her eyelashes and smiled, the events of the night before coming back to her. I watched her face flush and her focus shift down to my chest and back up.
“I’m not wearing any clothes,” she said sheepishly, and the arms I had around her naked body wrapped tighter, pulling her up so I could reach her lips.
I’d been dreaming about kissing her, and now I planned to do just that for as long as I wanted.
“Zack, don’t,” she said, burying her head in my neck, hiding from me, as if she was embarrassed. “I haven’t brushed my teeth.”
“Me neither,” I said lifting her chin so I could look at her. When her eyes met mine, I pressed me lips to hers and let them linger there for a few seconds. “You taste amazing to me.”
She pulled away from me and buried her head again. “Can I brush my teeth? Please.”
I knew she was being self-conscious, and unless I let her get up, something I hated to do, she wouldn’t let me kiss her like I wanted to.
“Fine,” I said playfully, letting my arms fall back to the bed by my sides.
“Don’t look,” she said, wiggling out from under the covers.
Yeah right. Like that’s going to happen.
I feigned covering my eyes, but as soon as she was halfway across the room, I removed my hand and gazed at the milky skin of her back and backside and all the way down her legs. Her light blond hair had gotten longer since the summer, and it swept down past her shoulders. I instantly felt my heartbeat quicken. When she disappeared into my bathroom, the ache of her not being in sight tugged at my heart, and I knew it would take a little while for me to believe she was mine again and all this was really happening. We’d been pushing and pulling at each other for months, fighting what we both knew was right, but now that we were finally together, I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it was real.
Deciding to surprise her, I slunk out from under the covers and opened the bathroom door. Emily jumped a mile when she saw me, my toothbrush nearly falling out of her mouth. I was a little disappointed to see she was wearing the Drive-By Truckers t-shirt I’d discarded before my shower the night before. It hung down halfway to her knees, and even though she was partially dressed, I don’t think she could have looked sexier.
I stepped wordlessly behind her and pulled her back against me, as I watched a smile spread across her face in the mirror.
“I like this picture,” I said, kissing her on her temple and making her smile grow wider. “You look really good in my shirt.”
“I love this shirt,” she said, after pulling the toothbrush from her mouth and spitting into the sink. I watched her pull the collar out to sniff it. “It smells just like you.”
“Not like that mangy old sweatshirt that I plan on taking back,” I teased, loving that she’d shown up the night before wearing my clothes. I wasn’t sure there was anything sexier than seeing the girl I loved in something of mine.
“You’re not taking that back,” she warned, shaking her head. “It’s mine.”
“I believe it’s mine,” I said playfully. “Besides, it smells like you now, so I want it.”
She sighed and smiled. “I could get used to this,” she said, leaning back against me, all of her weight pressed against my naked body.
I reached around her for the mouthwash bottle and took back a swig before spitting it into the sink. “Used to what?” I asked, as I kissed dozens of places on her face and neck
“Waking up next to you,” she said, and she spun in my arms.
I picked her up and sat her on the bathroom counter, settling myself between her legs. With my hand, I brushed some stray hairs back from her face and kissed her, long and deep.
“You can wake up here every day if you want,” I said, my lips moving to her ear. “I’ll never tell you no.”
Hell, she could move in with me that day, and I’d be okay with it. I didn’t ever want her to leave.
“I think I’ll plan on doing just that,” she murmured, running her hands back through my hair. “I don’t think I’ve ever slept better.”
“Me neither,” I said, even though I’d barely slept. It had been the best night of my life.
“I love you,” she said then, and I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of hearing her tell me that.
I’d royally fucked up the first time she’d said it, and now I was determined to make sure she knew I felt the same way about her. I’d spend the rest of our lives telling her so if I had to.
“I love you,” I said, pulling her against me and squeezing her tight. “So much.”
I let my hand linger on her knee before trailing it up the outside of her thigh, pushing my t-shirt up along with it. Emily wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck, so I picked her up from the counter and walked us back to my bed, laying her down in the middle and climbing on top, my weight suspended over her.
“Stay,” I said, gazing down at her.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she said, laughing. “Classes don’t start until tomorrow, so I’m yours all day.”
I leaned down to kiss her neck. “I’m not talking about just today,” I said, kissing every inch of her smooth skin that I could reach.
“Well, eventually I’ll have to go back to my apartment, but I’ll always come back,” she said. Her voice was getting breathy, so I knew my kisses were affecting her.
“I hate that idea,” I said, sucking on her earlobe.
“You hate the idea of me coming back?”
“No,” I whispered against her ear, making her shiver. “I hate the idea of you leaving. You should just live here with me.”
She laughed out loud, and I don’t think she realized I was dead serious. She didn’t know that I dreamed about living with her and marrying her and sharing our lives together. I was ready to take the next step with her as crazy as that sounded.
“Think about it,” I said, trailing kisses down her throat to her collarbone. “You could live here, I’d cook for you, you could watch our band practices, come to our shows, and each night we’d come up here and do this before falling asleep together.”
“Zack, you’re crazy. Besides, we can do all of that stuff and still live in separate places. I’ll still spend every night with you.”
“I want more than that,” I said, rolling us so she was on the top and I could look up at her beautiful face. I laced our hands together and kept her gaze as she processed that I hadn’t been joking.
“You’re serious, aren’t you,” she said, confusion flooding her face.
“I spent too long away from you, Em. Now I want to spend as much time with you as possible. I want you to move in.”
I tried to pull her down so I could kiss her, but she resis
ted me.
“Zack, you need to think about this,” she said, shaking her head. “We’ve only been back together for twelve hours. You might get sick of me.”
I sighed, knowing that although she’d taken me back, I still had a long way to go before she fully trusted that I wouldn’t bolt on her again. I knew I wouldn’t. The heartache I’d felt when we were apart wasn’t something I wanted to experience ever again, but I’d have to prove that to her, and it might not be an easy thing to do.
“I’m not going to get sick of you, princess,” I said, pulling her down and kissing her mouth.
“But there are other factors to consider,” she said, pulling away all too fast. “I have a lease and a roommate, and you have roommates, and you have Lily, and not to mention the fact that I’m starting to freak out a little just thinking about this.”
She fanned herself with her hand, her breathing getting shallow. She really was freaked out.
“Okay,” I said, pulling her back down. “Okay. Forget I said anything. It was just an idea.”
“Let’s just be together, and see how it goes, okay?”
“I’m good with that too,” I said, reaching out to pull my t-shirt from over her head. I needed to distract her and get us back to a happy place.
Chapter Forty-Three
Emily
The sun was setting outside Zack’s window when I opened my eyes, completely thrown off on my sleep schedule. We’d spent the entire day in bed, having gotten up late and then lingered there for a few hours before we got up and showered. Then, in a fit of passion at seeing each other naked in the shower, Zack had dragged me back to his bed and made love to me again. We’d promptly fallen asleep only to wake up to near darkness outside.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d wasted an entire day in bed, but then again, celebrating that we were back together wasn’t exactly a waste of time. Sliding out from under Zack’s arm, I tiptoed to the bathroom so I wouldn’t wake him up. When I came back out, he was still sleeping soundly, his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling rhythmically and his full lips parted just slightly. I stood there watching him for a few minutes, drinking in the sheer beauty of him and the fact that he was mine.
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