See Me

by Michelle Lee

  “She told me that she had some bad visions, told me she had seen her death, but she refused to tell me too many details. I don’t think she liked talking about it. That confession from her shook me bad. It bothered me every day and weighed on me. Anyway, after that bombshell, she told me she had feelings for you, that she thought were important enough for her to see it through. I’d never denied her anything before, and I didn’t even then. I think that moment is when I started to change though. Even though I didn’t tell her to not follow through, I think I knew you would never allow it, so it’s probably why I never talked to you. Total dick move on my part. But if I think hard enough about that time, I can see patterns emerge that lead me to believe that’s when this shit hole I find myself in started,” Jax said, still looking down.

  Ronnie felt something in him, but he couldn’t name the emotion, and he also felt himself trying to tamp down the anger in himself that was threatening to boil over too. Jax dropped his head down onto his arms and looked out into the backyard. “I knew she had considered our relationship over, and that she had free reign to explore other avenues, and I agreed with that, but never voiced it. With the threat of her death looming on my mind I tried to hold on to her in any way that I could,” Jax’s voice broke. “Because of my selfishness, neither of the people that mattered most to me in my life got to see or feel the beauty of that kind of love, that connection. That shit eats at me. I fucking took something from you, that could have given you the happiness you deserved. I’m not asking for forgiveness from you, that’s not what this is,” Jax said, stumbling over the grief in his words.

  Ronnie felt like the life was being squeezed out of his lungs as the pressure in his chest built. Logically, he knew that all this was in the past, but he also heard the truth of the words Jax was spilling, and they cut him deep. Even still, he understood the reason behind the actions, while they weren’t the choices Ronnie would have made, he understood it. It felt like he was losing Winnie all over again.

  “I wanted what the two of you had growing between you. In my selfishness, my asshole ways, I thought if I held on long enough, I’d find it. I’ve never regretted anything before the way I regret that. Even though it hurt me to think I wasn’t enough for her, I knew she wasn’t enough for me. It kills me that I knew that and still did what I did,” Jax took a deep shuddering breath in, and exhaled a sob.

  “The day of the accident, she was at my house, talking to me, making it understood and clear that she was going to move forward with you. She left here on good terms with me, I knew she was headed to your house. I had actually called you after she left, my intention was to tell you, to give you my blessing so to speak, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. I hate myself for it. I heard her pull up and talk to you and after we hung up, I almost called back three different times, but something held me back. Jealousy? Anger? Hurt? Fear? I don’t know. Maybe all of them. It wasn’t too long after that, I got a phone call from her. She was going home, and she was pissed. She went off on me like I’d never heard before. She said some hateful things, and while they are true, it’s a side of her I’d never seen or experienced. Regardless, while I didn’t know of the details of her vision, it unfolded while I was on the phone with her. I heard the accident. Every fucking thing I heard, I kept the line open, using the house phone to call it in, because if she was going to die in that car, then I was going to be there with her. Even as I drove to the hospital, and called you from there, I had that line open. I left it open until the battery in my phone died. After she had already gone. I lied to the people at the hospital to let me back where they had her, told them we were engaged,” a ragged cry tore from him.

  Ronnie didn’t know Jax had heard it all happen and a well of grief opened in him so wide that he felt like there was no coming back. He didn’t try to hold back the tears, but he was gripping his own arms so hard that he knew there were going to be bruises. This was turning out to be just as bad as yesterday was. Some wounds just don’t heal, and Jax had just ripped this one wide open.

  “I know you were at the hospital with me, maybe if you had been in the room with me things would have been different. They’d given her a shot of morphine as she was wheeled in, and they were prepping her for surgery. I was just on repeat, telling her not to leave me, she couldn’t go, shit like that. I don’t even think I was aware of what was coming out of my mouth. She was so broken, I knew she wasn’t coming back from that, anyone could see it, but the doctors were going to try. Until she opened her eyes and told them no. I fucking lost it. She told me she loved me and died. You know the rest. But what I told none of you, well aside from the whole story, was as she died, I felt something grab a hold of my soul and plant itself in me. I don’t know what it was, I still don’t, and it’s still there, but it feeds this evil dark thing in me. Somehow, all this is related. It all ties together,” Jax said, his heart and soul laid out on the table.

  Ronnie stood up fast, shoving the chair behind him. “What do you want me to do with all this?” he shouted angrily.

  “I just wanted you to know the truth,” Jax said brokenly.

  “Twenty-eight years we have been inseparable,” Ronnie spat, “and this is what I get for that?! Do you have any idea how destroyed I feel right now? And yet still, I feel like I should be consoling you, taking care of you!”

  Jax nodded. “I’ll take care of myself, but I get the rest. You have every right to hate me. Not only for back then, but for last night. Fuck, I hate myself enough for both of us. Rip open any of my scars and you and Winnie bleed out of them.”

  Ronnie deflated and sagged back down to the chair, beyond broken, but he didn’t hate Jax. He couldn’t ever hate him. He was hurt and angry for sure, and he didn’t know how to go about healing that, or how to help Jax. This was something that would always be between them now. He knew the relationship would heal in time, Jax was too much a part of his life for it not to, it was just too raw right now.

  “I don’t hate you Jax. You can bet your ass I’m pissed and hurt. Fucking shattered. No hate though. I’ll get over it, we both know it because that is who I am, but you have to give me time,” Ronnie ground out. “I’ll never turn my back on you,” he thumped his chest, “you are a part of me. It might be broken right now, but it’s still there. I just need time to process this, give me that much.”

  “I won’t let you walk away from me bro, I love you,” Jax cried. “I’ll give you time, I’ll give you anything you want. I know how much I owe you. I’ll even stand here and let you hit me like you hit that bag, I deserve it.”

  Ronnie barked out a laugh, “The bag barely survived that. You wouldn’t. I’m not going to hit you. Go shower or something, you look like hell and I want to be alone.” Ronnie felt the turmoil rolling off Jax and was a little worried that suicide would pop in his head with that darkness in him.

  Jax nodded resolutely and left back down the hallway without another word, looking like his entire world had collapsed. Ronnie guessed in a way it had. But in that process, he had taken down a good portion of Ronnie’s world too. The triangle with Winnie and Jax was just as much his fault. He could have stepped up and talked to Jax about it but chose not to out of his own insecurities that he had battled with every day back then.

  Fuck, he didn’t know how Jax made it through listening to that phone call. Ronnie thought that part of the story explained so much about Jax’s behavior, and it hit him so hard he bowed under the weight of the thought. Ronnie was pretty sure he would have snapped after that, and he gave props to Jax for shouldering that all these years. He shook his head again.

  The house was silent and still as Ronnie sat there trying to organize his thoughts which were anything but silent or still. He itched to go at the bag again but knew his knuckles couldn’t take another beating like that. His phone chirped again from his pocket and he dug it out to see a couple of texts from Aedan.

  They had a lead on an empath, and Aedan wanted to know if they were up, he wanted to take J
ax to get his hands looked at. Ronnie responded and waited for Aedan to show up and called the agency. He wanted to be present for the interview and he wanted the council to meet with the empath too. Aedan could stay with Jax and watch him. He texted Smitty his thoughts and got a response of agreement right away. Things were in motion now.

  I woke up with a mild headache, and way too many body aches to count, although I felt oddly rested. Given the shit storm I found myself in that was amazing in itself. It felt like I was alone, and not having to work today is a blessing in disguise given how I felt. I rolled out of bed gingerly.

  The urge to pee was bigger than the body aches and I made a mad dash for the bathroom. I finished my business and looked in the mirror, expecting to see a haggard old witch, and instead I looked normal. I didn’t understand how that could be possible with the way my life had flipped a switch on me, but I’ll take it.

  I got dressed in yoga pants and a sports bra sans shirt as I figured I’d do a yoga session this morning to try and stretch out the body aches. I grabbed my phone and headed downstairs to get the cats fed so they’d stop howling like I was murdering them, since their breakfast was a little later than normal for a workday. Damn cats.

  Cats fed, yoga music on, I set out to unkink my body after the terrifying experience with holy water. I put myself through the poses paying extra attention to my hips and back which seemed the tightest. My soul loves yoga, but meditation was still the hardest part for me. I lay on the floor and closed my eyes, trying to find that spot in my mind where I could make everything disappear for a few minutes.

  It was a struggle keeping my mind clear, and as the sweat from the poses cooled and dried on my skin, I felt like a salt lick. I gave up after about five minutes, though I felt better than I had before. I shut off the music and plugged my iPad into charge and went to go take another shower. I hated feeling like a salt lick, but I never regretted whatever I had done to get me to that point.

  Freshly showered I studied my reflection in the mirror carefully, the words of the priest rolling through my head. I didn’t look like an angel, that was for sure. Definitely no wings or halo here. I snorted, not much vanity either as my critical eyes took me apart. I didn’t see the glow the priest referenced, or that Winnie said she saw. I couldn’t even see my own aura.

  What I saw was a completely average human, with an above average skill to find herself in odd situations. My hair grew super-fast, I acknowledged, running my fingers through the thick wet locks. It had turned curly about nine years ago. Sometimes it curled up in ringlets, and other times it was just wavy, normally it was a mix between the two. It frizzed out when I was in humidity or causing humidity. It was a medium brown color, but I was often asked if I colored my hair. While someone would look at me and say my hair was brown, it was a variety of shades of brown. In the sunlight, my hair had a red undertone to it that made it look a totally different color.

  My eyes were round shaped and a milk chocolate color of brown, until you looked really close at them and saw specks of a gold and copper spattered around the pupil. When I got downright angry, they looked almost black, and when I was really happy, they were a light shade of brown and had an odd sparkle to them. Okay, so I guess maybe that wasn’t quite normal, though it didn’t scream angel.

  My face was what I would call oval, I thought studying it. My cheek bones were visible but not prominent and my cheeks typically had a natural pink tint to them. My nose had a slight crook to it from breaking it when I was little. My bottom lip was fuller than my top lip, and they weren’t wide, and I tended to chew on them when I was stressed out. My ears were average size, down to just one piercing now. Eyelashes were a dark brown and very long, but stick straight, eyebrows were the same dark brown and shaped well enough that I didn’t need to pluck them or any of the other stuff people did.

  My skin had always been good. Rich olive tone and clear. I tanned fast in the summer time, always getting dark much to the annoyance of my friends who laid out for hours and got nothing. I credit that with my Italian heritage. I always looked healthy. Well almost always, there was a period where you could tell I wasn’t well.

  My body was nothing to write home about. Thick and overweight. Soft belly, dimples where there shouldn’t be, stretch marks, and so many scars I looked like a road map. The flip side of that is that I am incredibly strong from the activities I do to maintain sanity. The hiking, walking, yoga, swimming, white water rafting. I was too top heavy to do too many impact sports, bouncing boobs just hurt after a while. In the water, they just floated.

  I sighed, nothing special. I had at least made enough progress on myself to admit that I wasn’t ugly, but I also didn’t think I was beautiful. I was just me. I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t fix my hair, I just was. It was enough for me. I put on some deodorant and grabbed a hair tie and mentally started calculating how long I had to go before I cut it again.

  At least six months, I thought. I grew my hair out for the sole purpose of donating it for charity. Maybe I guess I did have some vanity; my hair was good, and I liked sharing it. Especially with my history of cancer. I quickly swept it up and out of my way and tried to figure out what to wear. I still hadn’t heard from Winnie, so I wasn’t sure what my day was going to hold.

  I pulled a pair of jeans off a hanger and dug through my shirt drawer for an old worn-out shirt. I felt like comfort today, so I grabbed a pair of my thick fuzzy socks and put them on after I smeared some lotion on my feet. I grabbed my phone and saw I had missed a phone call.

  I headed back downstairs trying to Google the phone number as it wasn’t one I had recognized, but nothing came up. It wasn’t an area code from this state, so I shrugged and put it out of my mind. Back downstairs I rummaged around through the fridge and due to lack of variety, I grabbed an orange and started peeling it.

  I was halfway through the tender, juicy fruit when my phone rang again. Of course, while I had sticky fingers, I glanced at the phone and saw the same unknown phone number and debated not answering it, but curiosity won out. “Hello?”

  “May I speak to Airiella Raven please?” a bored sounding man asked.

  “Speaking,” I replied, imitating his tone for my own amusement.

  “This is Tony from Spectre Talent Agency, you left us a voice mail last night in regard to an opening we had for an empath,” he stated. In my mind I was laughing at the name of the agency.

  Faking interest I responded, “Oh yes, nice to speak with you Tony.”

  “Would you be able to meet with us today if we purchased you an airline ticket?” he asked in the same bored tone. How lucky was I to be able to speak with Mr. Personality?

  “Sure, of course,” I said. At least I got an airplane ride out of it. I loved flying. “Where will I be travelling to?” I asked, interested in this response.

  “We have a building in Colorado that is central to all parties involved in the hiring process that we would use for this. Is this acceptable to you?” he droned one.

  “That is fine with me, will someone be contacting me with flight information?” I questioned.

  “Yes. We will also confirm via e-mail if you would be kind enough to give us an e-mail address,” Tony continued. I rattled off the e-mail address I rarely used, and thought I heard a slight chuckle at the end of the phone. I had to be mistaken though, robots don’t laugh. “See you later today Ms. Raven,” Tony ended the phone call.

  Well that answered what my plans would be then. I finished up my orange and went back upstairs to look for an appropriate interview outfit. What does one wear to an interview with unnamed people for a position as an empath? And where the hell was Winnie? Ah hell, I flipped through my closet and settled on a pair of black slacks, and my bright red colored tunic. I set the clothes on my bed, grabbed a pair of shoes and socks and went to take stock of my makeup drawer.

  Rolling my eyes, I realized I needed to run to a drug store, everything I had makeup wise was seriously old. I grabbed my phone as it dinged with an
e-mail and opened it as I went back downstairs to grab my keys and purse. Flight info. Looks like I was leaving in three hours. Didn’t leave me a whole lot of time.

  I popped my earbuds in my ears and called my brother to see if he could give me a ride to the airport as I drove to the closest drug store. I’m not a shopper either, I don’t wander up and down aisles. He agreed to pick me up in fourty-five minutes as I flew down the makeup aisle snatching up mascara, a light brown eye liner, and a brown colored eyeshadow palette. Good enough for my needs.

  I drove home and flew up the stairs as fast as I could calling out “Winnie!” as I went, hoping wherever she was she would hear me. I got dressed, leaving off my shirt so I didn’t get makeup on it, changed my earrings to pink colored pearls and got down to business with makeup. Not something I am skilled at on the best of days, certainly not when I’m in a hurry and a blue glowing ghost appears out of nowhere.

  Needless to say, I looked like the raccoon that had visited us. Winnie looked haggard and it hit me as I was cleaning the smeared eyeliner off my face that she had been in my head last night. Suddenly I wasn’t sure what to say anymore to her, she now knew all my secrets, and she looked bad too. “Um, any particular reason you look like death?” I carefully asked.

  “No energy,” was her weak response.

  “Okay, I won’t waste time then, the agency called, and they are flying me out to meet with some people in Colorado. My brother is picking me up in a bit,” I glanced at my watch. Shit. “Well in fifteen minutes. Anything I need to know?”

  “I’ll try and find out, just be you. I am sure they will test you in some way, so be prepared,” she warned, flickering.

  “Okay, and um, about last night,” I hemmed.

  “I promised you I wouldn’t bring it up unless something was relevant, at this moment, nothing is. Focus on this interview. I’ll find you in a bit. I need to rest,” she said, and then was gone. A little shocked, I was still a moment and then went back to putting on makeup.