by LYNN, K. C.
My anxiety spikes as I walk into the hospital. Taking a deep breath I pull myself together and head right up to the nurses’ station asking to see Jaxson. I’m grateful to find out they speak English.
“I’ll have to go check if he can have visitors, there are restrictions on his room. Please have a seat in the waiting area, Miss…?”
“Julia, Julia Sinclair.”
I sit in the waiting room for a good 10 minutes before I look over, seeing an enraged Cooper, “I’m going to fucking kill my girlfriend!”
I stand up and advance on him, feeling my own anger spike. “I don’t think so Cooper,” I seethe, poking my finger in his chest, “how dare you keep this from me, how dare both of you keep this from me!” We’re toe to toe now and we glare at each other waiting to see who’s going to pull back first, of course it’s me.
Taking a deep breath I ask the question that’s been haunting me since Kayla’s phone call, “Is he ok?” I can’t stop the small sob that breaks free.
“Fuck!” Coop takes a big breath of his own, pinching the bridge of his nose, something he often does when he’s stressed. “He’s going to be ok, over time. He’s really fucked up Julia, you shouldn’t have come.”
“He’s my best friend Cooper. How can you say that to me?”
“Julia don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“What the hell are you talking about? How am I making it harder wanting to be here for him?”
“He doesn’t want you here.” I flinch feeling like I’ve been slapped. “Christ! He doesn’t want you to see him like this. He needs time.”
My temper flares and I stand toe to toe with him again. I try to look intimidating but that’s pretty hard to do with someone like Coop. “No! Now you listen here, Cooper McKay, I’m seeing him one way or another, even if I have to physically go through you. So you tell him I’m here and that I’m not leaving till I see him!”
Cooper shakes his head. “Ok that’s it,” I march past him to go to Jaxson’s room. I don’t make it very far before he grabs me from behind, wrapping his arms around my body so I can’t get my arms free. I kick and fight when he lifts me up to take me outside. The nurse behind the desk looks at us anxiously and you can tell she isn’t sure what to do. “Let go of me Cooper or I swear I’ll scream.” He just grunts, which pisses me off more. Once he gets me outside I turn my head and bite his shoulder.
“Ow, fuck!” he puts me down and grabs my shoulders, giving me a shake.
“Goddamn it Julia, listen to me! He knows you’re here and he’s refusing to see you. No matter how hard you fight you’re not going to see him. I’m sorry.”
The fierce determination in Cooper’s gaze makes me realize how serious he is.
“Please don’t do this Cooper. I’ve come all this way, I need to see him.” Tears begin to fall as I attempt to put into words how much I desperately need to see Jaxson. “You, out of all people, know how much he means to me. Please don’t do this.”
“Christ,” he pulls me against him and holds me tight. I let out a relieved breath, thinking I got through to him until he says… “I’m sorry Julia, but I respect his decision.”
I step back and see the regret in his eyes. I can’t believe after all we’ve been through Jaxson’s really going to send me away like this.
I look at Cooper with all the seriousness I can muster, “You tell him if he doesn’t see me then he can forget ever speaking to me again.”
“Don’t be foolish Julia.”
“Me, be foolish! Are you kidding me!? I am sick of this macho bullshit, I’ve gone through a lot to be here and I haven’t seen him in five fucking years Cooper! I’m serious, if he sends me away after everything we’ve been through, then… I’m done!”
“This isn’t about macho bullshit!”
“The hell it isn’t, you’re in there with him right now.”
“It’s for the best Julia, I know you don’t understand that right now but it is.”
I stare at him in disbelief then sit down on the edge of the sidewalk. Covering my face with my hands I start sobbing. I cry for Jaxson, I cry for myself and I cry for our broken friendship. I feel like my heart has split in two and I know I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t.
“Goddamn Kayla,” Cooper says angrily.
My gaze snaps to his, standing up I shout, “No! Goddamn you! And goddamn Jaxson! Kayla’s my only true friend.” I can tell he feels awful sending me away but I’m too angry to care. I grab my bag and don’t look back.
I brace myself when my door opens and pray it isn’t Julia. I look over to see it’s Cooper. Thank Christ!
“Well that fucking sucked,” he says, walking in looking like shit.
“How bad was it?” I croak out. Fuck it hurts just to talk.
I know before he says anything that it’s bad. “Pretty fucking bad. Are you sure about this?”
Turning my head I glare at him: “Would you let Kayla see you like this?”
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head, “No, you’re right. I just feel like shit, you didn’t see her when she left.”
“I’ll make it up to her.”
Cooper grunts: “I hope you do man, because as mad as I am at my girlfriend right now, I know she’s going to be way more pissed at me when Julia tells her I sent her away.”
I know I’m doing the right thing, not letting her see me like this, but I still feel like a dick. “I will, I just don’t know when. I’m going to be here for a while then they’re sending us to some fucking clinic to make sure our heads get back on straight,” I’m dreading that the most.
“I’m warning you Jaxson, it’s not going to be easy. Not this time.”
“I know,” and I really do. Julia is the most forgiving person I know but I realize I’m going to have to work hard to make her understand this.
I shake violently when another wave of nausea hits me. Leaning over I throw up, agony ripping through my broken body. Shit! These withdrawals are killing me.
“Damn it Jaxson, I wish you wouldn’t refuse the drugs.”
“Nothing else is getting pumped in my fucking body Cooper. Not ever again.”
He looks like he’s going to argue until he sees how serious I am. “Alright, I’ll forget it. Do you want me to go get you anything before I make my phone call to Kayla? It’s going to be ugly so it may take a while.”
“No, but thanks man… for everything.” He knows I’m not just talking about being here, but also for Julia.
He nods at my thanks then before he goes out the door he turns to me: “By the way, I saw Sawyer not too long ago. He told me to tell you that you’re a pussy.”
I can tell he enjoys delivering the message by the stupid grin on his face. I grunt then groan from the pain, “I guess that means he’s doing alright?”
Coop shrugs, “He looks like you. Both he and Cade are refusing the drugs too.”
I nod, “I figured they would,” then I take a deep breath, “how about Anna?”
Cooper clears his throat, “They just reached her parents and they’re trying to get here as soon as they can. The nurse says she’s been asking for you though; said she’s scared and wants to stay close to you.”
Guilt threatens to choke me, “Alright, tell them she can see me if she needs.”
It’s the least I can do.
Cooper nods then shuts the door.
I lay back closing my eyes and think about Julia. I knows she’s pissed right now but I meant what I said to Coop. I’ll make it up to her. I just don’t know when. I have to get myself halfway normal again; those bastards really fucked with our heads. She’s the only reason I agreed to this rehabilitation shit.
For the last week it was the memories I have of her that kept me alive. Every time one of those bastards came in to torture us, I would retreat into my mind and think about her. I would think about our nights on the beach. I’d remember the way her eyes lit up with her bright smile and the peace I always felt from just being around her
. And most of all… I’d remember her beautiful laugh. I’d let the sound of it wash over me as I felt every lash from the whip that tore down on my skin. There were times I thought I’d never see her again and that was when I decided if I ever got out of there alive I wouldn’t stay away. Not anymore. I stayed away as long as I did because after knowing what it felt like to be inside of her I couldn’t trust myself not to do it again. It’s going to be hell on my control but I need her in my life again. I’ve lived with seeing so much bad shit the last few years, I need Julia to remind me of the good again.
One year later…
I pull up to the small, southern-styled house and look down again at the address Cooper gave me to check that I’m at the right place. Getting out of my truck I take in my surroundings and look over the place. It’s a nice house, even with needing some fixing up. I can see Julia here, I just hate how secluded she is. Even though it’s only 3 minutes from town her closest neighbor is a mile down the road and with so many trees you can’t even see the house. If she was ever in trouble no one would hear her call for help… Don’t go there man, you have enough shit to worry about when it comes to her. Shaking my head I walk up the front porch and knock.
“Come in!”
Stiffening, I glare at the door. What the fuck? What the hell is wrong with her? She has no idea who’s at her door and she just yells at them to come in? Feeling pissed now, I let myself in and hear Julia yell from upstairs as I’m closing the door.
“I’m sorry, I must have got the time wrong. I thought you said 7:00. Go to the kitchen and grab yourself something to drink. I just need a few minutes, I’ll be right down.”
Hearing the sound of her voice after being gone so long stirs up emotions I haven’t felt in a long time.
Obviously she’s expecting someone. Glancing down at my watch I see it’s just after 6. Great, I have less than an hour to plead my case.
I walk straight ahead finding the kitchen and see cookies on the counter. They’re still on the baking sheet warm from the oven. Snatching one I pop the whole thing in my mouth and I want to groan at how good it is. Damn, Margaret taught her well. I take one more and go sit at the kitchen table.
I wonder if she’s expecting Kayla, maybe I can ask Coop to keep her with him. With that thought I grab my cell phone and start texting Cooper when I hear Julia come down the stairs. Standing up I take a deep breath and brace myself for the shit storm that’s about to hit.
I can’t believe I got the time wrong, I could have sworn he said 7:00. Thank goodness I started getting ready early. I looked down at myself, loving the new yellow strapless sundress I bought. It’s perfect for the hot weather we’ve been having. I walk down the stairs with the vase of flowers he sent me today and step into the kitchen with a smile. “Thanks so much for the flowers you…” I stop, every part of me freezing, including my breath. I stare at the person standing in my kitchen and swear I’m hallucinating.
“Hey Jules,” Jaxson’s gaze roams down my body as he leans comfortably against my kitchen counter with his arms crossed, looking arrogantly determined.
The vase slips from my shaking hands and shatters all over the floor by my feet, but I still don’t move, I can’t.
“Jaxson?” I ask quietly and unsure.
“Fuck! Don’t move!” he strides around my kitchen looking in my cabinets for something.
“What are you doing here?” I ask stunned. When I take a step toward him he rushes at me picking me up around my waist.
“Goddamn it! I said don’t move.”
I look down and see glass crunching under his boots.
“Where’s your broom?” he asks while setting me on the counter. When I don’t answer he grabs my bare calf lifting my foot to examine it. “Are you okay? Did you step in any?” Feeling his warm touch on my bare leg starts to snap me out of my shocked state.
Why is he here? Why now?
“Goddamn it Julia! Will you fucking answer me!? Are you hurt!?”
My gaze snaps to his and I shake my head. I open my mouth to say something then close it, not knowing where to start. I have so many emotions running through me right now. Relief, sadness and most of all, anger. Clearing my throat I try again and this time get words out, “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you.”
I stare into his ice blue eyes that I haven’t seen in 6 long years and try to gauge any emotion from him. There’s something in his gaze that wasn’t there before, something harder. But I can’t see anything else- no remorse, no apology, nothing.
Feeling irritated now, I push him away and hop off the counter. Grabbing my broom from the pantry I start cleaning up the glass. He comes up behind me and tries to grab the broom, “I’ll do it.”
Not letting go I rip it back in my direction. “No! I’ll do it!” He backs off at my tone but I can tell he’s annoyed. I turn back sweeping, “Did Cooper not give you my message a year ago?” I ask coolly.
I feel him staring at my back when I lean over, sweeping the glass up in the dust pan.
“Ya he did,” he says, clearly not caring.
Walking past him to the trash I dump the glass in and notice cookies missing off the baking sheet. I turn and glare at him, “If you think I wasn’t serious Jaxson then you’re very mistaken.”
“Come on Julia,” he says as if I’m being irrational.
“No, you come on! How dare you think after what happened a year ago that you can waltz right into my house like nothing is wrong and eat my cookies.” I point at the missing cookies on the baking sheet, “These are for someone else, not you!” I know I sound childish but I’m so damn mad that I don’t care.
“Actually, I didn’t just waltz into your house, you fucking invited me in, not even knowing who was at your door. What the hell is wrong with you? I could have been anyone.”
“Obviously I thought you were someone else. Believe me Jaxson if I knew it was you I wouldn’t have invited you in.” I give him an extra hard glare hoping to hide the lie.
“I don’t give a shit if you were expecting someone or not, don’t ever do that again Julia,” he commands pointing his finger at me.
Oh the nerve I slap his finger away when I really want to slap the arrogance right off his sexy face. “Just who the hell do you think you are? You have no say on how I answer my door Jaxson. You have no say in anything I do in my life. Not anymore. So you can take your arrogant ass and get out of my house!” I go to storm past him but he grabs my arm and pulls me to him so his face is only inches from mine.
“I don’t think so baby. We have unfinished business and you’re not going anywhere until you hear me out.”
His gaze is full of determination and I hate it when I catch myself staring at his mouth. I take a step back, not trusting myself so close to him.
“Fine you wanna talk, let’s talk. Let’s talk about the fact that before Germany I hadn’t seen you in 5 years. Five fucking years Jaxson! I got short phone calls, but that’s it. Then I spend almost all of my savings to come see you and you refuse me. I went through a lot to be there for you, it’s not like you were just in the next state!”
Some of the hardness leaves his expression: “I’ll pay you back for…”
“I don’t want your fucking money! This isn’t about money!” I scream at him finding it harder every second to hold on to my control. I take a deep breath and say the one thing that hurt me the most, “When I got that phone call from Kayla, saying you were hurt, my whole world stopped because nothing mattered to me more than you. Even after you stayed away from me for so long you still mattered to me. Do you have any idea what that did to me when you made Cooper get rid of me? It was a shitty way to find out I didn’t mean anything to you anymore,” my voice cracks and I will myself not to cry. I swore a year ago I would never shed another tear over him again.
“Fuck Julia!” his voice is rough as he starts towards me but I put my hand up, stopping him. I know if I let him touch me I’ll give in and I can’t.
&n
bsp; Then I ask the one question that will make or break this conversation: “Are you sorry at all? Do you regret it?”
He runs his fingers through his hair roughly and my heart clenches with pain at his tortured expression.
Stay strong Julia.
“I’m sorry I hurt you Jules, more than you will ever know. But I don’t regret my decision to send you away.”
I guess I’m not surprised by his answer, but it still hurts. Looking down at the floor I shake my head sadly, “Then we have nothing more to say to each other.”
“Goddamn it! Would you try to understand? I didn’t want anyone to see me like that.”
“Even me!?” I yell hurtfully.
“Especially you! How can you not fucking understand that!?”
We stare at each other in silence while hurt and anger swirl between us, then before I can say anything else my front door opens and I hear Kayla yell in a panic: “Julia where are you?”
“In the kitchen,” I call out quietly, still staring at Jaxson.
“Jules you’re never going to fucking believe who’s ba…” Kayla stops short, her gaze moving from me to Jaxson. “Uh never mind, I guess you know.”
I look over at her and nod.
Then she narrows her gaze at Jaxson. “Everything ok in here Julia?”
Jaxson glares over at her in annoyance, “Everything is fine Kayla.”
“I wasn’t asking you, I was asking Julia,” she bites out.
I have to say Kayla can be pretty intimidating when she wants to be. Of course not to Jaxson, but I don’t think anyone intimidates him.
“I’m okay,” I say softly, trying to reassure her.
“Are you sure? Because I’ll fuck him up if you need me to,” Kayla says, completely serious.
Jaxson grunts at this like it’s ridiculous.
“What you don’t think I can? I’ll have you know Coops been showing me some stuff. So I’d watch yourself buddy.”