I could have whichever ending I chose, it seemed to me—I needed only to will it.
And then it burst on me that I could go wherever I wanted, see whatever I wanted, just by willing it. I was travelling along that dark mysterious avenue, swaying and undulating in every dimension of freedom, that leads to every hidden vista of the unconscious mind, to any and every spot in space and time—the avenue of the adventurer freed from all limitations. -
I grudgingly opened my eyes again to the stalled elevator. "This is the test?" I asked my conductress quickly. She nodded, watching me speculatively, no longer smiling. I dove eagerly back into the darkness.
In the exultation of my newly realized power I skimmed a universe of sensation, darting like a bird or bee from scene to scene: a battle, a banquet, a pyramid a-building, a tatter-sailed ship in a storm, beasts of all descriptions a torture chamber, a death ward, a dance, an orgy, a leprosary, a satellite launching, a stop at a dead star between galaxies, a newly-created android rising from a silver vat, a witch-burning, a cave birth, a crucifixion . . ,
Suddenly I was afraid. I had gone so far, seen so much, so many gates had clanged behind me, and there was no sign of my free flight stopping or even slowing down. I could control where I went but not whether I went—I had to keep on going. And going. And going.
My mind was tired. When your mind is tired and you want to sleep you close your eyes. But if, whenever you close your eyes, you start going again, you start traveling the road ...
I opened mine. "How do I ever sleep?" I asked the woman. My voice had gone hoarse.
She didn’t answer. Her expression told me nothing. Suddenly I was very frightened. But at the same time I was horribly tired, mind and body, I closed my eyes...
I was standing on a narrow ledge that gritted under the soles of my shoes whenever I inched a step one way or another to ease the cramps in my leg muscles. My hands and the back of my head were flattened against a gritty wall. Sweat stung my eyes and trickled inside my collar. There was a medley of voices I was trying not to hear. Voices far below.
I looked down at the toes of my shoes, which jutted out a little over the edge of the ledge. The brown leather was dusty and dull. I studied each gash in it, each rolled ,or loose peeling of tanned surface, each pale shallow pit
Around the toes of my shoes a crowd of people clustered, but small, very small—tiny oval faces mounted crosswise on oval bodies that were scarcely larger—navy beans each mounted on a kidney bean. Among them were red and black rectangles, proportionately small—-police cars and fire trucks. Between the toes of my shoes was an empty grey space.
In spirit or actuality, I was back in the body I had left in the hotel bedroom, the body that had climbed through the window and was threatening to jump. I could see from the comer of my eye that someone in black was standing beside- me, in spirit or actuality. I tried to turn my head and see who it was, but that instant the invisible roller-coaster seized me and I surged forward and—this time down.
The faces started to swell. Slowly.
A great scream puffed up at me from them. I tried to ride 11 but it wouldn't hold me. I plunged on down, face first.
The faces below continued to swell. Faster. Much faster, and then ...
One of them looked all matted hair except for the forehead, which had an S on it.
My tall took me past that horror face and then checked three feet from the grey pavement (I could see fine, dust- drifted cracks and a trodden wad of chewing gun) and without pause I shot upward again, like a high diver who fetches bottom, or as if I'd hit an invisible sponge-rubber cushion yards thick.
I soared upward in a great curve, losing speed all the time, and landed without a jar on the ledge from which I'd just fallen.
Beside me stood the woman in black. A gust of wind ruffled her bangs and I saw the eight-limbed sigil on her forehead.
I felt a surge of desire and I put my arms around her and pulled her face toward mine.
She smiled but she dipped her head so that our fore- heads touched instead of our lips.
Ether ice shocked my brain. 1 closed my eyes for an instant
When 1 opened them we were back in the stalled elevator and she was drawing away from me with a smile and I felt a wonderful strength and freshness and power, as if all avenues were open to me now without compulsion, as if all space and time were my private preserve,
I closed my eyes and there was only blackness quiet as the grave and close as a caress. No roller-coaster, no scanning pattern digging movement and faces from the dark, no realms of the DT fringes. I laughed and I opened my eyes.
. .
My conductress was at the controls of the elevator and we were dropping smoothly and her smile was sardonic but comradely now, as if we were fellow professionals.
The elevator stopped and the door slid open on the crowded lobby and we stepped out arm in ann. My partner checked a moment in her stride and I saw her lift an "Out of Order" sign off the door and drop it behind the sand vase.
We strode toward the entrance. 'I knew what Zombies were now—the people around me, hotel folk, public, cops, firemen. They were all staring toward the entrance, where the revolving doors were pinned open, as if they were waiting (an eternity, if necessary) for something to hap- pen. They didn't see us at all—except that one or two trembled uneasily, like folk touched by nightmares, as we brushed past them.
As we went through the doorway my partner said to me rapidly, "When we get outside do whatever you have to, but when I touch your shoulder come with me. There’ll be a Door behind you."
Once more she drew the grey implement from her handbag and there was a silver spinning beside me. I did net-took at it.
I walked out into empty sidewalk and a scream that came from dozens of throats. Hot sunlight struck my face. We were the only souls for ten yards around, then came a line of policemen and the screaming mob. Every- One of them was looking straight up, except for a man is dirty shirtsleeves who was pushing his way, head down, between two cops.
You know the sound when a butcher slams a chunk of beef down on the chopping block? I heard that now, Only much bigger.-I blinked my eyes and there was a body on its back in the middle of the empty space and the finest spray of blood was misting down on the grey side- walk.
I sprang forward and knelt beside the body, vaguely aware that the man who had pushed between the cops was doing the same from the other side. I studied the face of the man who had leaped to his death.
The face was unmarred, though it was rather closer to the sidewalk than it would have been if the, back of the head had been intact. It was a face with a week's beard on it that rose higher than the cheekbones—the big fore- head was the only sizable space on it dear of hair. It was the tormented face of a drunk, but now at peace. It was a face I knew, in fact had always known. It was simply the face my conductress had not let me see, (he face of the person I had doomed to die: myself.
I lifted my hand and this time I let it touch the weeks growth of beard matting my face. Well, I thought, I had given the crowd an exciting half hour.
I lifted my eyes and there on the other side of the body was &e dirty-sleeved man. It was the same beard- matted face as that on the ground between us, the same beard-matted face as my own.
On the forehead was a black S that looked permanent.
He was staring at my face—and then at my forehead— with a surprise* and then a horror, that I knew my own features were registering too as I stared at him. A hand touched my shoulder.
My conductress bad told me that you never know whether the side into which you are born or reborn is "right" or "good." Now, as I turned and saw the shim- mering silver man-high Door behind me, and her hand vanishing into it, and as I stepped through, past a rim of velvet blackness and stars, I clung to that memory, for I knew that I would be fighting on both sides forever.
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Damnation Morning Page 2