by Lily White
Leading me to a table, she motioned for me to sit in a chair next to a woman that looked to be my age. However, her hair was up in pigtails and in her arms was a baby doll. Over her clothes, she held the doll to her chest as if it were a living child that could suckle and feel love.
“Julianne?”
The woman looked up when Terrie spoke, eyeing me for only a moment before turning her attention to Terrie. “Hi Nurse!” Her voice was high pitched and eerie; the sound of a little girl coming from the mouth of an adult. She was a pretty woman with soft facial features and straight white teeth.
“I’ve brought Alex to the room to make some friends. Would you be a dear and keep her company for me?”
She nodded her head so enthusiastically that her pigtails bobbed on the sides, bits of dirty blonde hair flying everywhere as she moved.
Terrie patted her head. “That’s a good girl. Thank you.”
Turning to me, Terrie smiled and said, “I’ll be around later tonight, Alex. Don’t worry. You are in good hands here. Nobody will hurt you.”
I watched as she strolled out of the room, nodding her head to Lisa and Lara as she passed. Both nurses were seated at the small nursing station at the front of the room, monitoring the patients and jotting something down in the notebooks they were keeping.
“My name’s Julianne. What’s yours?”
My head spun in her direction and I was thrown off once again by the juvenile tone to her voice. “Um, my name’s Alexandra, but people call me Alex, for short.”
While rocking her baby with her arms and body, she kept her eyes locked to mine. “People used to call me Julie for short, but I taught them not to do that.” She laughed and the sound twinkled with a childlike innocence, however the look in her eyes told me there was something dark and unsettling inside her.
Desperate for anything to say, I commented, “That’s a nice doll you have there. Does she have a name?”
Her brows narrowed and her mouth pulled into a thin scowl. I attempted to back my chair away from her, but realized it was bolted to the floor.
“She’s not a doll. She’s my baby. Her name is Suzie.” Pulling the baby doll from her chest, she held it out to me with a sick smile slathered across her face. “Baby was bad and wouldn’t go to sleep, so I ate her eyes.” Another smile and I looked down to see that the dolls eyes had been cut from the sockets. “She didn’t like it when I ate her eyes, so I gave her new ones.”
My heart stopped and my jaw fell agape when I saw something small, slimy and wet shoved into place where the eyes had been. Julianne giggled wildly, startling me with the savage sound. She waved her pinky finger between our faces and drew my gaze back down to the doll. Quickly pulling out one of the slimy masses that were in the sockets, she reached up to shove it in her mouth, the substance popping when she first started to chew.
I dry heaved, placing my hand over my mouth to keep from throwing up. She continued to laugh, delighting in the fact that she’d made me physically react in revulsion to what she’d done.
“Don’t let that little bitch get to you. Little Julie doesn’t know shit about killing anybody that can fight back.”
Jumping from my chair, I looked over at two tall women that were identical to one another. Each had long black hair, thick and inky, like midnight or a raven’s wings. Their eyes were a piercing green, light enough to appear white if you didn’t look at them closely. They both stared at me with the same sly grin, like two voracious hunters that had singled out their prey. Their bodies were slender beneath the thin blue material of their clothes. Both were smoking and held the thin cigarettes away from their bodies using opposite hands.
“Don’t call me Little Julie!” Julianne flew out of her seat in the direction of the women. Easily caught by the one of the women, Julianne screeched and stomped down on the woman’s foot.
“Fuck!” She screamed. “You’re going to pay for that, you little bitch!”
Julianne laughed. “Hurt you! Hurt you!”
“LADIES!”
Our heads swiveled in time with each other, each one immediately facing Nurse Lara. Her hands were on her hips and she glared at us from behind thick-framed glasses. She was a short woman with straight brown hair parted down the middle and tucked neatly behind each ear. “If you all don’t kiss and make up, I’ve got plenty of restraints and gags to take care of the problem. You understand?”
All of the women nodded, the twins continuing to laugh despite the nurse’s threat.
“Ok, Nurse Lara.” The one on the right shouted out. “Don’t worry, baby. We were all just braiding each other’s hair.”
Julianne moved away from the group immediately, returning to her seat at the table. She held the doll tighter to her chest as she rocked back and forth in her chair.
One of the twins grabbed me and pulled me across the short distance of the room to the wall. “Don’t worry about her. She’s just a crazy little thing that killed her baby sister when she was sixteen. If you’re looking for friends, you need to stay close to us, Doll. We run this place.”
Their movement was in perfect time with one another; as if their genes caused them to move in synchronicity with each other even when free of the womb they’d shared. Each took a drag from the cigarette, their cheeks caving in as they drew the smoke into their lungs. They held it for a moment before blowing it out into large clouds that hung above their heads.
The one of the right spoke first. “My name’s Lesley and this is my sister, Michelle.”
“I – I’m Alex…”
“We know.” Another pause as they took drags from their smokes, the cherries blazing bright red with the effort. “You’re our famous resident black widow. They say you don’t remember shit about, you know…” Dragging her finger across her throat, she made a clicking sound with her mouth. “…offing your lovers.”
I swallowed hard, not sure if I was more hurt or more angered by the fact that they knew why I was here. “I don’t know anything about why I’m here. Why are the two of you here?” I couldn’t help the irritated tone of my voice. It wasn’t fair that they knew more about me than I did about them.
Lesley laughed. “Because like you, we have a…uh…special habit with men. It gets us the fuck off, but apparently the State says we’ve done something wrong.”
Michelle laughed at Lesley’s joke, one that was apparently only understood between them. Ignoring the obvious secret they shared, I was surprised to learn I wasn’t the only black widow in the asylum.
“So you’re black widows as well? You kill the men you love?”
They laughed. “Baby, no…you’re the only one who gets to hold that honorable title. We like to catch the men, drug them and use them as target practice. There’s nothing more fun than a grown ass man half running, half staggering down a long field,” Michelle reminisced.
Lesley jumped in to add, “It’s funny when they reach the tree line and think they’ve made it to safety. We always wait until then to shoot. It’s more sportsman-like that way.”
Breaking into cackling laughter, their voices filled the entire space of the rec room. People glanced over and I caught Julianne’s eye when she peeked around to see what all the noise was about. As soon as she caught me looking at her, she scowled, hugging her doll to her chest even tighter as she got up from the table and walked away from us.
Lesley turned to notice that my attention was on Julianne. Returning her attention to me, she said, “She’s a nutty one, ain’t she? I heard she was babysitting her infant sister one night and the brat wouldn’t shut up, so…”
“She ate her eyes.” I already knew the answer. Julianne had already told me. I couldn’t help but wonder why such a beautiful woman could snap in such a way.
Michelle answered, “Yeah, she puts peeled grapes in the eye sockets each morning and eats them throughout the day.” They both visibly shivered. “The nurses had to limit her to twenty a day because she made herself sick eating them all the time. Now the bitch abs
olutely screams when her daily limit runs out. They have to jack her up with enough dope to take out a small elephant.” They laughed in unison. “It’s funny as shit.”
I glared at them. “Is everything that’s painful to other people funny for you two?”
They didn’t have time to answer my question before the doors to the rec room slammed open.
“Well, I’ll be a praying bitch because the lord just gave me what I wanted for Christmas,” Lesley whispered to Michelle as both women watched Dr. Hutchins enter the room. The entire space fell silent, every woman – both patients and nurses – lost to his smooth swagger and knowing stare.
“Good afternoon, ladies. Please go about your business as usual. I’m only here to observe.” Brushing across my senses like velvet, his voice had the far away note of Southern gentility.
“I’ve got something you can observe, Doc!” Lesley called across the room with all the voraciousness of a cat in heat. “I think I’m feeling faint just looking at you!”
Michelle laughed and elbowed Lesley in the side. Dr. Hutchins looked over, smiling at the twins, but his expression changed suddenly when he noticed I was standing behind them.
I stood motionless, hypnotized by the enigmatic expression on his usually cordial face. I couldn’t understand or even describe the way he made me feel. It was confusion mixed with curiosity. I’d never seen a more attractive man, but there was still something dark about him, a lurking aura that sent chills across my body when he was nearby.
“Damn, Alex. He’s got something for you. He hasn’t peeled his eyes off you yet.” Lesley walked up beside me and placed her arm over my shoulders. Whispering in my ear, she asked, “Is he going to be your next victim?”
I jumped back, startled by her question. She chuckled while looking me over. “What’s wrong, girlfriend? Was it something I said?”
“Lesley and Michelle: Ladies, I need you to come over to the nursing station for me. You’re being escorted to group therapy. I’d hate for either of you to be late.”
Nurse Lisa stood up from her seat, nodding in the direction of the twins before motioning them over with her waving hand. “Let’s go ladies. You all know Dr. Ali hates it when you’re late to group.”
“Catch you around, kid,” Michelle whispered as she wrapped her arm with Lesley’s and strolled casually in the direction of the nurse.
I was exposed to Dr. Hutchins’ direct line of sight. Discomfort settled over me like a heavy blanket and I moved about the room in an effort to avoid looking at him. It didn’t help. Every time he glanced in my direction, I knew it. I could feel it like a phantom hand brushing across my skin, simultaneously sending goosebumps over my body while heating me from the inside.
“My books! Give me back my books!”
A woman’s screeching voice broke me from my thoughts. Turning to locate the source of the noise, I noticed how the doctor rushed across the room in an attempt to break up the disturbance that erupted out of nowhere.
“Stay away from me! They’re mine!” Another voice screamed.
Following Dr. Hutchins’ path with my eyes, I eventually saw a black haired woman in the corner of the room, kneeling and huddled in a corner, her face pressed against the wall as she tried to block another patient from removing the small books she held in her arms. She screamed as the other patient pulled at her hair and Dr. Hutchins and an orderly forced the two apart.
A hand fell heavily on my shoulder and I spun around to see a woman about my height that was smiling brightly and appeared only slightly older than me.
“That lady over there is Elaine. She’s in here for abducting an author and beating on her until the woman wrote some book she wanted. The other woman is Dawn. She’s in here for something else entirely, but I forget what it is.”
Shaking my head, I pulled away from the woman. “I’m sorry. I don’t know who you are.”
“That’s because I’ve never introduced myself, but I know who you are. Everybody does. I’m Sally. I’ve seen you around, but you never remember anybody, so I didn’t see a point in talking to you.”
“So why are you talking to me now?” Even though I hadn’t been hurt by what she’d said, I couldn’t help my annoyance.
Shrugging, she answered, “Don’t know. You seem different today, like a veil has lifted or something. I – “
“That’s enough, Sally. I’d like you to retake your seat and wait to be called to group. You can talk with Alex there since she’ll be joining your sessions this week.”
Dr. Hutchins’ voice sounded from directly behind me and I jumped in response. I was starting to hate how everybody seemed to enjoy approaching me from behind.
Spinning on my heel, I was met with the electric heat of the doctor’s stare. “Ms. Sutton, if you can please come with me. I’ll be escorting you to your next appointment this afternoon.”
“I thought you were observing?” Asking the question on a breathless whisper, I didn’t appreciate the fact that he smiled in response.
“Yes, well, as you just heard, we had a little upset amongst the patients and Nurse Lara is busy seeing to those women. As a result, I’ll be showing you around myself.” Stepping closer, he continued to grin at my apprehension. The sound of Sally shuffling her feet behind me was the only comfort reminding me that I wasn’t alone with a man I couldn’t help but fear.
When he was close enough that the lapel of his coat brushed against my body, he spoke quietly. “I would hate to think you’re resisting me, Ms. Sutton. Why don’t you act like the good little patient you are and follow me without further questions? I’d hate to have to force you out the door.”
His threat caused me to shiver. Looking around, I noticed that all eyes were on the doctor and me. I startled to realize that we were being watched.
Nodding my head, I fell in line behind the doctor, walking slowly out of a room that was filled with the sick, the insane and the depraved.
Chapter Five
The place where optimism flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
-Havelock Ellis
“I apologize for scaring you in there, but I was concerned that if you continued questioning me, the other patients would assume they could do the same.”
Jarred by his sudden apology, I turned around to look at Dr. Hutchins once we’d stepped out into the hall. The door clicked closed behind him and he watched me with the same intensity I’d seen in him earlier that day. Lights flickered above our heads, casting an eerie strobe across the white walls. I blinked my eyes to chase away the far off feeling the light created in my head.
Finding my voice, I answered, “I don’t know why you’re apologizing. This entire place scares me. I feel like I’ve woken up in hell. I don’t see any reason why it should be different with you.” It was a whispered confession I spoke without truly considering how honest the admission had been. I hated this place already, even when I could still only remember bits and pieces about it.
“How is today any different than it was yesterday or the day before that?” With pen and notebook in hand, he appeared poised to record my response.
I shook my head. “No. I’m not doing this. I’m not allowing myself to become your little experiment.” There was no choice and I knew that, but something inside me still didn’t believe I was truly stuck in a place where I was helpless.
“Every person in this place is my little experiment, Alex. There’s nothing you or any other person can say or do about it.” He stepped back to look me over, grinning at whatever it was that he saw. “Sally was correct, you know? You’re different today. At least your behavior is different. What are you feeling?”
The hair on the back of my neck stood up and an angry heat crawled across my skin. I could feel my cheeks flair red and the arteries in my neck pound with increased pressure. The anger came out of nowhere. Sudden and violent, it knocked me off balance, leaving me breathless and frustrated. Before I could answer the doctor, he wrapped his hand around my arm and led me down the long corridor.
“Listen, Alex, I know this is all very confusing for you right now. Nothing is making sense and that has to be extremely frustrating for you. But I’m still going to have to demand that you remain calm. Getting angry isn’t going to change things.”
His tight grip felt like it would bruise my arm. There was no use in struggling against him; the light sedatives they’d administered made it so that I was only at half strength at all times.
Bulbs of light flashed above our heads as we pushed forward through the winding and mazelike halls. How any person knew their way around this place was beyond me. Everything looked the same: white walls, metal doors, bolted furniture. Every so often caged windows, through which we were monitored like rats in a lab, broke the monotonous landscape apart.
“While we walk, you should tell me what you remember about this place. Is it all coming back to you? Is that why you’re acting the way you are?” His voice had returned to the sultry gentility of a man from the Deep South. I wondered about his roots for only a second before he squeezed his hand where he held my arm, reminding me that an unanswered question hung between us.
“I’m not sure what you mean…” My thoughts were frayed by the strobes of light and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t as affected as I.
With the dignified accent of an intelligent man, he answered, “It’s important that I know what memories you have and what ghosts of memories you think you can recall. It will help me understand how severe and what form of amnesia you have.”
“Haven’t they determined that in the time I’ve been here? If it’s true I’ve been here for a year…”
“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Alex, but the doctor before me wasn’t interested in helping the patients here.” He stopped suddenly, loosening his grip on my arm and reaching up to touch my cheek. After guiding my face to look in his direction, he explained, “As I’m sure you can imagine, those with severe mental disabilities aren’t treated very humanely by society. Up until very recently, they were treated as nothing more than an object to be studied and dissected, to be used as guinea pigs by countless hospitals and doctors. They’re castoffs, and although State laws have become somewhat better about managing these facilities, they haven’t been able to prevent all forms of abuse.”