by Lily White
“I worry about her, George. She’s far too sexual for a seventeen year old girl.”
My dad laughed and I peeked around the corner to see him tenderly hugging my mom. “Have you seen what her friends are acting like? I highly doubt they all experienced what Alex has. So what do we blame on their behavior?”
Mom smiled, shaking her head in understanding. “I guess you’re right…”
Stepping back, my brows narrowed between my eyes. What had I gone through when I was younger? Anger flooded me to think that there was something they were keeping from me. Steeling my spine and pulling my shoulders back, I prepared to march around the corner and demand information. My phone chirped at that second and I reached down to see a message from Bobby asking me where I was.
Shit. I was late. My curiosity about what they were discussing had been piqued, but it was quickly stymied by my desire to see Bobby.
“Let’s go!” Running around the corner, I chose to ignore the subject for that moment, promising myself to bring it up when we were gathered around the dinner table later that evening. I was a teen. I had priorities and Bobby Arrington made the top of that list.
Piling into the car, I strapped on my seat belt in the back seat. My parents were moving much slower than me and I impatiently tapped my foot waiting for them and shooting off a response to Bobby on my phone which blamed my parents for everything that was wrong with my life. Then I told him I’d be at the mall in fifteen minutes.
Climbing in, the car rocked slightly as my dad took the driver’s seat and my mom sat to his side.
“Hurry it up, Dad! Pedal to the metal and all that.” I snapped my fingers as if that would magically put us on the road, rushing at a million miles an hour to get me to Bobby.
“I’ll drive carefully, Alex, and I certainly hope you realize how important that is, considering you’ll be driving yourself soon.” Grumbling under his breath, he started the car and added, “…Maybe”
We pulled out of the garage and were safely on Highway 22 on the way for the Northpoint Mall. Whisking down the high-speed road, I allowed my eyes to take in the majestic vision of ice-capped mountains in the distance. My mind wandered and eventually resettled on the conversation my parents had been having in the hall before we left.
“Mom, wasn’t it you that told me honesty is always the best policy?” With all the snark I could put in my voice, I allowed those words to hang in the cramped space of the car. I had both my parents cornered because I believed that I’d caught them in a lie.
Confusion lined her face when she looked back at me, the years she lived now becoming apparent in the fine wrinkles that blemished her beautiful skin. “Why are you asking me that?”
I smirked and I knew the expression was the mirror image of the look she always gave me. “Because you and dad have been lying to me.”
Her eyes widened and I saw my father glance up into the rearview mirror. “What are you talking about, Alex?” His deep voice vibrated with warning.
Smug where I sat, I crossed my arms and legs, sitting back against the bucket seat and smirking again with superiority.
“What happened to me when I was a kid and why don’t I remember? Have you two been lying to me all my life while telling me not to lie? Sounds hypocritical to me.”
The car swerved suddenly. I looked up in slow motion to see my father’s head swiveled in my direction. He turned at a snail’s pace back to the road and the instant jerk of our car drew my mother’s and my attention to the front windshield. He’d crossed into the oncoming lane for only a second before correcting the car. It had been so quick that I doubted all four of our tires had crossed the line before my dad corrected us, but another driver had overcompensated her car to avoid us and was now head on with us in our lane.
Time stopped. My parents unmoving, the traffic stopped in a split second snapshot. Nothing was wrong and nothing bad could happen. I wouldn’t let it.
“Why have we stopped?”
Jeremy appeared next to me in the car, sitting in his usual position with his pen and paper, ever ready to take his notes.
“It was my fault.” My eyes opened wide as I took in the horrifying scene. It was a momentary distraction to a man who was already agitated because of my behavior, but it was enough to peel his eyes off the road and cause him to react in such a way that placed us in danger.
“Is this what you’re wanting me to remember? That I was the reason my parents died?” Tears burned my eyes, stinging hot as they broke free to travel down my cheeks.
“We’re done here for today, I’m going to pull you out before it becomes painful. I need you to shut your eyes, Alex.” His hand reached out and I felt the soft heat of his palm. The touch reminded me that I wasn’t in the backseat of a car about to wake up to the most horrible scene I’d ever witnessed in my life.
“Breathe with me, beautiful, and come out from wherever you are.” He was gone, but his voice was still strong. Little by little the image disappeared. It was pixels dispersing and a warm color spreading over where the image had once been. Snapping into reality, my head spun for only a moment before I remembered that I was in a red room, sitting in a red chair, with a red curtain drawn around me for privacy.
“Open your eyes,” he whispered hoarsely.
Doing as I was told, I allowed my eyes to snap open, blinking rapidly to bring his handsome face into view. Once I’d refocused, he smiled and I reached out to touch the expression. He drew back out of my reach before I could.
“How do you feel?”
“Loopy. Like I’m on drugs.”
He chuckled as he stood up above me. Crossing the small space, he took a seat in the chair opposite me. Once he sat back, he crossed one leg over the other and studied my face.
I studied him back and noticed that I wasn’t as light and airy as I’d been before. At this point, I felt heavy and sluggish, tired and crushed under the weight of what I’d just relived.
“I think that will be enough for this session. You revealed a lot about yourself, Ms. Sutton. More than you realize.”
He appeared satisfied with the results of this session, but I wasn’t. “I caused my parents’ deaths.” The admission stung me in places that had long ago gone numb.
Looking up from his notepad, he scowled. “That’s irrelevant, even if it were true. From what you told me, it was a series of events that caused the accident, not just you.”
Tears slipped from my eyes again and I pleaded with him to agree with me. “I was that series of events. Me: the things I said and did, the way I treated them, that was all me.” Nothing else mattered at that moment except for the truth of what had transpired on that tragic day. No other facts were relevant to me, not like they were to Dr. Hutchins.
“Is that all you can focus on? Blaming yourself?”
I glared at him, my eyes swollen shut by my tears. “I killed my parents.”
“You did no such thing and I find it extremely interesting that the two most critical facts of what you just recalled are escaping you at the present moment.” His pen scribbled and I rewound everything I’d just remembered.
“They said something happened to me when I was a kid. It was that remark that caused them both to turn and look at me.”
Like a freight train, the realization slammed into me, knocking me off balance inside. “Do you know anything about that?”
He looked up again, a sad smile flittering across his expression. “No. However, I’m determined to find out.” Something dark flashed behind his eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared. “Is that all you remember?”
Scouring through my thoughts some more, I went over everything that had transpired. “Yes.”
He nodded. “Interesting.” After scribbling some more, he looked at me, reaching with his hand to force the frames of his glasses higher up onto the bridge of his nose. “How are you feeling now?”
“Sleepy.”
“Then I’ll have Terrie take you back to your room for a few hour
s. After that I’ll instruct her to take you to the rec room. You need to make friends, Ms. Sutton. Stop sheltering yourself inside yourself, if you know what I mean.”
“Those people are crazy. Why would I want to be friends with them?”
He smiled, the white of his perfectly straight teeth glinting beneath the light of the room. “We’re all crazy, Ms. Sutton. Some of us are simply crazier than others.”
Chapter Eight
The healthy man does not torture others –
generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.
- Carl Jung
“Wakey wakey! Eggs and Bacey!”
Three shrill bangs hammered against the metal door and I was awakened from my afternoon nap. My head pounded with blood, the pressure so tight that I felt like my eyes would pop from the sockets.
Sitting up, I cradled my head with one hand while using the other to balance myself on the thin mattress of the bed. Cringing upon recognition of the voice behind the door, I huddled over myself praying that we weren’t alone in the ward.
The door popped open with a metallic clang and Emerson strode in, his expression a mix of anger and triumph. “I hear a little girl I know is telling stories. It’s a damn good thing you’re a fucking psychopath or you could have cost me my job.”
Moving forward slowly, the weight of his footsteps on the ground rattled the frame of the bed. The sole of his boots squeaked across the linoleum floor and I backed away, huddling more tightly in a pathetic attempt at escape.
Striking out quickly, he caught my shirt in his hand, pulling me up by the material alone, completely overpowering my small body. I wanted to close my eyes, to imagine myself anywhere but in his grasp, but the terror flooding my system forced them open so that I was staring directly into the eyes of a monster.
“Little girls do better when they keep their fucking mouths shut.” He whispered the words on a threatening growl. “Little girls that don’t learn that fucking rule end up getting the shock if you know what I fucking mean, bitch.”
On the word ‘shock’ he shook me so hard, my head snapped back and forth, severe pain shooting down my spine and up my skull from the violent motion. Dropping me back to the bed, he laughed when my elbow slammed against the thin mattress and was cut by the spring that popped up and out of the bed.
“Do you really think they’re going to believe you in here? Don’t you realize that you’re all a bunch of lunatics?” Stepping forward again, he grabbed me by my hair, twisting his fingers into the strands so hard that they tore from my scalp. “I think it’s time we deal with your little issue.”
“Emerson! I need you to bring Alex to me, please. She’s needed in the rec room.” Terrie’s friendly voice sounded in the hall. Distorted and quiet, it was apparent by the sound that she was nowhere near my room. I silently pleaded for her to come closer, to look in the room and witness what Emerson was doing.
He leaned in and I could smell the mint chewing gum in his mouth. “Accidents happen quite often in this place, Alex. I’d hate for you to get injured for not cooperating.”
A memory slammed into me; Emerson dragging Erin down the hall the day before, her shoulder and the way he seemed to smile when he slammed that needle into her arm, forcing the depressor down and the clear fluid inside her body. Had Terrie returned her to her room from the hall or had she been left helpless with a rapist?
“Oh my God…where’s Erin?”
He smiled, the satisfaction of my knowing exactly to what he’d been referring obvious in his expression. “She got zapped.” He made a sizzling sound with his mouth and released my hair to grab my shoulders. Now walk out there with a smile on your pretty little face. I’d hate for Terrie to think you’re upset.”
Nodding my head, I silently agreed.
He grabbed my arm and I winced from the pain of his hold. Odd bruising seemed to go unnoticed in this place and I knew for a fact that Emerson wouldn’t get in trouble for manhandling the patients. It was commonplace for patients to lose touch with reality and thus be rendered nothing more than screaming banshees that benefited from the use of heavy sedatives. But it was the sedatives that were the problem and I refused to be doped up to a point of not knowing what was being done to me. Instead of fighting the abuse, I played along in order to keep from being strapped down and made useless by drugs.
Once we’d stepped into the hall, I breathed out a sigh of relief to see Terrie standing within eyesight. Nothing would happen as long as she was around to witness it and I thanked the heavens for at least one good soul who worked here.
“I hope you’re all rested up, Alex,” Terrie said as we approached. “Dr. Hutchins asked that I take you to the rec room for some social time with the other patients.”
Emerson handed me off to Terrie before grunting and walking away. I wouldn’t allow myself to follow his path with my eyes, choosing instead to keep my gaze focused on the friendly nurse in front of me.
“You look tired, Alex, but I’m sure that’s a result of the medication Dr. Hutchins used for therapy.” Taking my arm gently, she turned to lead me down the hallway towards the rec room. As usual, the lights above us flickered and my head felt fuzzy as a result.
“Dr. Hutchins seemed very upbeat and impressed with what you were able to recall this morning. I think that’s a good sign. There are so many in this place that are hopeless, people who are lost to whatever ails them. The light at the end of their tunnel is blocked by the piles of pain they keep tucked away inside.”
She was rambling as we walked, but I allowed the soothing quality of her voice to calm the anxiety that Emerson had created within me. Reaching the rec room, Terrie opened one of the double doors and allowed me to step inside. The hairs on my arms stood up and I looked to my right to see that Joe was one of the nurses in charge in the room. Quickly, looking away, I prayed that he wouldn’t approach me.
“Here you go, young lady. I recommend walking around and getting to know people. You’ll never recover if you keep everything trapped inside yourself. Sometimes, talking and listening to others can be the best form of therapy.”
With those words of advice and encouragement, she was gone, her small form disappearing out into the hallway from which we’d just entered the room. I moved away from the door as fast as my feet would carry me, placing as much distance as possible between Joe and myself. Choosing a table that wasn’t occupied, I dropped my weight into the chair and looked around the room.
Glancing around at the patients, I felt instantly sad at the sight spread out before me. Most of the women sat in chairs, staring at walls and floors, but not really seeing what was in front of them. From the drool dripping from their mouths, I could tell they were medicated to a point of compliance. Some patients gathered in groups, discussing topics in hushed voices while sneaking glances at the nurses who sat up front.
“Hey.”
I jumped in my chair when a hand landed on my shoulder. Twisting around, I looked up into the pretty grey eyes of the girl I remembered from the day before. Her name was Dawn from what Sally had told me.
“Hey,” I replied.
Taking a seat next to me, she stared at me for a long moment before finally saying, “Sorry you had to see that scene between me and Elaine yesterday. Sometimes I like to fuck with her. I know it’s not right, but…” She shrugged. “…there’s not much else to do for entertainment around here.”
Nodding my head, I looked away, hoping that she would grow bored with my lack of enthusiasm over her chosen sport. Being in this place was frightening enough without agitating the other patients.
“So, you’re the black widow. I have much respect for that. I didn’t kill my men. Just modified them. Not that they were my men, or men at all considering where they stuck their dicks, but still…I didn’t kill them. Not like you.”
Sighing loudly, I ground my teeth in anger. Did everybody know about me? “I don’t remember killing anybody, so there’s no need to respect me for anything.” I turned bac
k just in time to see her wink and smile.
“That’s a pretty good excuse you have there, but I don’t buy it. I think you remember everything that got you stuck in this place. We all do. Some of us are more haunted by it than others, but not me. I’m proud of what I did. They deserved it.”
“Why would any person deserve to be killed or harmed?” It was a question I should have left unasked, but it flew from my mouth before I had time to consider what floodgate I was opening.
“For touching babies with their cocks, that’s why. And I’m the ‘crazy one’ for mutilating the assholes. Pffft. Okay.” Rolling her eyes, she glanced about the room, settling her wary stare on Joe. Tilting her head in his direction, she said, “Now if I could get my hands on that prick? Yeah, let’s just say he’d be singing soprano for the rest of his life if, and only if, I let him keep his tongue. That son of a bitch is a monster.”
Shivers ran down my spine when I looked over to see that he was staring directly at me. He sneered like a madman planning his next kill and I instinctively huddled over myself in protection. Lowering my voice to a whisper, I asked, “What do you mean you mutilated them? And what do you know about Joe?”
She smirked. “I cut off their dicks and balls, sweetie. It’s that simple. The assholes won’t be touching babies anymore; you can count on that. Meanwhile, I’m locked in here while those creeps get to keep walking around living their lives as if they didn’t steal the innocence from a defenseless child.” She banged her hand on the table and the room quieted. All eyes were on us and Joe moved to get up from his table.
Dawn was quick to settle him.
“No problems here, Joe. Just got a little excited about something. That’s all.”
I held stock still, silently screaming for him to sit down and not approach. He stared for what felt like hours, but eventually lowered himself back into his seat. The murmuring in the room picked up again almost immediately after he had.