by Lily White
The two men stared at one another while I sank against my chair. From the first second I’d heard Jeremy’s voice, anger had pooled in my stomach, growing with each word he spoke and each step he took towards me. I wondered where his new patient was at this minute and why his meeting with her had taken all morning.
Jealousy was the green-eyed beast that awakened inside me to be in his presence and I refused to look up at him despite how I could feel when he looked at me.
I wouldn’t look at him – couldn’t – because I wasn’t sure I could keep from asking the questions that were pounding in my head.
“You’re here for one purpose today, Mr. Sutton, and I thank you for continuing with our agreement despite yesterday’s unfortunate situation between us.” Tapping at the folder that was sitting on the side of the table, Jeremy hinted at something that I didn’t yet know.
Dain cleared his throat, continuing to glare up at Jeremy before finally calming his expression and looking back to me. With a barely controlled voice, he said, “I have to show you some photos again today, Kid. I hate doing this, but…”
“But they are imperative to finally unraveling this situation.” Jeremy finished Dain’s sentence and placed a hand on my shoulder. The touch burned my heart, a searing pain of betrayal and rejection. I flinched away from the touch and both men in the room noticed the move. Lifting an eyebrow at my reaction, Dain took a second to stare between Jeremy and I. Finally reaching for the folder, he slid it across the surface of the table, positioning it where I could see its contents.
I could feel Jeremy staring down at me, but I fought hard not to look at him. If I saw any sign that what I’d been told was true, my tears would fall and Dain would know something had happened between Jeremy and I. He couldn’t know. It would hurt him too much because he would assume that I was being abused in a place where he couldn’t protect me.
Flipping open the folder, he revealed a picture that I recognized. Staring up at me was an image of myself, smiling brightly once again without a care in the world. Beside me stood a boy I knew I’d grown up with, however the mature image was in dispute with the child I remembered him to be.
“Oh my god…” Tears threatened and my voice shook with emotion. “I – I can’t believe I didn’t remember his name, but now, looking at him…” My bottom lip trembled with the sobs I didn’t want to release. “Please tell me he’s not dead. Not CJ…”
Dain sighed, part relieved that I recognized the image and part distressed that it caused me pain.
Sitting down beside my brother, Jeremy looked at me from across the table. Still refusing to look back at him, I kept my eyes trained on the photo.
“CJ, as you call him, is Chase John Wallace. According to the police reports, he started going by his first name once he’d matured from a child into a teen. Also, according to the records, you entered into a intimate relationship with him several months after Bobby Arrington was killed.”
“No…” The heartache that came from that one word was palpable throughout the room. Dain frowned in response to my reaction, taking his time before forcing himself to turn the photo over and reveal the one beneath it.
The tears wouldn’t stop. Bursting from out my eyes, they streamed down my cheeks and dripped to the table as if poured from a faucet. My entire body shook with my anger, fear, and bitter sadness. This image wasn’t as violent as the one of Bobby, but to see CJ’s body, one that had been developing into the man he would become, dead on the floor of a room…it was too much for me to look at.
Closing my eyes, I looked away and begged, “Please close the folder. Please. I don’t want to see it anymore.”
“Do you remember him, Alex?” Jeremy spoke softly, attempting to keep his voice calm in order to avoid upsetting me further.
“Yes.” Barking out my response, I was having difficulty hiding the contempt I felt towards him. “He was a friend of mine in elementary school, but I’d lost touch with him over the years. When I started high school, he wasn’t one of the popular kids, he wasn’t…”
“He wasn’t part of Bobby Arrington’s circle, right?” Dain finished for me.
I forced a small smile to thank him for that. “Possibly? I don’t know. I don’t remember much about that time and hardly anything at all about Bobby.”
“Okay. I see no need to continue forward with the photos. What I’d hoped for was a recollection of events. Now that we have that I believe we can continue the therapy today.”
For the first time I was thankful for the straight jacket. It allowed me to huddle over myself without my body language being a neon sign that time alone and drugged with Jeremy was the last thing I wanted at that moment. By being able to hide my knee-jerk reaction, at least I knew that Dain could walk out of here without feeling helpless to protect his sister.
Dain stood up from the table and gathered the folder in his hands. I kept my eyes locked to his, looking to him for support in a situation where I felt alone.
“Can I give her a hug, Doctor? I understand that policy requires she remain restrained, but she can’t do anything in that jacket and I just need to feel her in my arms.”
Jeremy stood from his chair as well, rounding the table to disconnect me from the chair. “I see no issue in a quick hug. I’ll apologize for Terrie not having allowed you to greet your sister. She was simply following protocol.”
“Anything that keeps my sister safe is understandable.” Dain grudgingly responded. I could tell from his tone of voice that he hadn’t meant a damn word he’d said.
Stepping around Jeremy, Dain pulled me into his arms, wrapping me in his warm, comforting embrace and resting his head against mine. On a whisper, he said, “Don’t worry, Kid. Whoever this asshole is who’s been stalking you, I’ll find him. And when I do, I’ll personally escort you out of this fucked up institution.”
A quick kiss on the forehead and he released me. I was still weak from the increase in sedatives I’d taken that morning and Jeremy reached out to steady me by grabbing my arm. My small effort to pull away didn’t go unnoticed and he stared at me, studying my expression before turning his attention to Dain.
“Thank you for your assistance today, Mr. Sutton. If I learn anything new, I’ll be sure to let you know.”
Dain looked at me, silently questioning me if I would be okay. Not wanting to burden him with my fear and pain, I forced a smile on my face and nodded in agreement that I was fine. He returned the smile and walked quickly out of the room.
Jeremy didn’t say anything to me after Dain left.
Walking me out of the room, he allowed the door to close behind us and escorted me through the halls. I knew he was taking me to the therapy room and I cried again. Seeing that room, seeing where I’d made love to a man I thought I could trust – it would crush me.
I didn’t think there was anything left in my life that would help me pick up the pieces that were left behind of my shattered heart.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.
- Carl Jung
The door to the therapy room slammed behind us and I jumped at the loud sound, knowing that it reflected Jeremy’s mood. Normally one to take steps not to startle me, he’d allowed that door to close in such a manner in order to shake me where I stood.
“What’s going on with you, Alex?” Dark and deep, his voice revealed his frustration; the tremor in his words betraying the control he’d maintained over his emotions since the first time I’d flinched away from him in the visitor’s room.
“I don’t want to be here.”
“In therapy?” He eyed me with a raised brow.
“Here. In this room…with you.”
Stepping forward, he reached out to touch me, but I jerked away, throwing myself off balance and falling with a thud when my ass hit the floor. He stood above me, looking down with concern and anger in his expression.
Kneeling in front of me, he didn’t move to touch me again. “What is wrong?
Are you mad about something? Are you – fuck – are you mad about last night? I thought…” He stood up and paced the small space beside me. “I told you I didn’t want to do that. I knew it was fucking wrong…”
“I was fine about last night!” My words flew out on a scream. Irritation trickled along my thoughts, leaving a door open that allowed the pain and rage I’d been fighting against to flood in and take hold of my actions. “I woke up this morning happy that, for once, I had someone on my side. I was happy that YOU were on my side, but then I find out you’re fucking the new patient and now I want nothing to do with you!”
His eyes widened and he was struck silent by the accusation. Attempting and failing several times to form a coherent thought, he finally blurted out, “What the fuck are you talking about?” He was irate, his disbelief and ire causing him to lose the professional and calm demeanor he’d always portrayed.
Grabbing me by my jacket, he pulled me off the floor and dragged me to the circular desk that sat in the center of the room. Lifting me up, he sat me on the wood surface and held me so that we were eye to eye. “I want you to tell me from the beginning why you think I’m having sex with another patient. Do you really think so little of me that you believe I’d not only take advantage of you, but of other patients as well? Last night meant something to me. You mean something to me.”
His words rattled me, shaking the solid foundation I’d built on the accusations of the other patients and staff.
“Damn it, Alex. I knew I shouldn’t have let that happen. I knew that I should have waited until after you can leave this place. That’s all I want for you. You don’t belong here with these people. You’re too beautiful – too special – to be here.”
My lip trembled and my eyes burned with unshed tears. I wanted to believe him, wanted to believe that every word he spoke was the truth. I’d been so happy when I woke up, so delighted to find someone as beautiful as him in a place as dark as midnight.
The nightmare was unrelenting, pulling me deeper into a snare of suffocating webs built on lies, delusions….but truth? Was it possible for truth to exist inside this place without being snuffed out and destroyed by the bitter storm of collective insanity?
“Please, Alex, I won’t touch you again if that’s what you want. I’ll wait for you to recover. I’ll fix you. But please don’t believe that there is anybody else for me but you.”
The tears that previously stung at the red and swollen skin of my eyes broke free. I tried to blink them away, to bring the masculine beauty of his face into focus. The warmth of his hands were on me, wiping away the tears that never seemed to stop falling. Sobs erupted from my lungs, vicious and agonizing sounds that shouldn’t have been possible in a person as weak as me. Like thunder, they rose up from a deep chasm inside, shaking every bone in my body in their desperate rush to escape.
So much heartache and pain. How was it possible for me to keep breathing, for my heart to keep beating, when all I endured was abuse after abuse and lie after horrible lie?
Still wiping away at the constant tears, he explained, “I run this place, Alex. It’s my job to evaluate and create a treatment plan for every patient who walks through those doors. I have to take my time with them to ensure that I agree with whatever diagnosis they’ve come in with. I hate labels. I hate the doctors who are so quick to apply some bullshit diagnosis on a patient just to push them out of their facility and into a state institution. I care about every person who resides here. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t take the time to review their records and prescribe the proper treatment. I’m not the type of man who will drug someone up and shove them in front of a window not caring if it’s in their best interest to do so.”
I pulled away from him, still unable to believe what he was telling me was true. How many of my friends had I seen endure that exact type of treatment already? Erin, Dawn and now, Elaine. All of them had been shocked and drugged, rendered useless and then shoved in a corner where they would gather dust and be forgotten.
“No. You have to be lying, Jeremy. I’ve seen that exact thing happen. It happened to my friends, to Elaine just this morning. Why aren’t you helping them?”
“Because I’m too busy protecting you!”
I startled at the sound of his booming voice. He’d always been so calm, so patient with me. The anger in his voice was enough to focus me on what he was trying to say.
“I’ve had to break so many rules. Keeping you out of the wards at night, ensuring that Terrie was with you whenever you weren’t with me. That goes against every policy in this place, but I did it for you. I’m being pulled in so many damn directions: administrator, directing psychiatrist, your therapist and on top of that, I’m investigating every claim you’ve made about this place. The staff is scared shitless after Emerson’s death. They want you tossed aside and locked away in an isolation room, drugged and restrained, but I refused. That’s why you’re sleeping in the therapy room with me at night, and even that I have to keep secret. Thank god I have Terrie or none of this would have been possible.”
I was so sick of the uselessness of my tears. His words helped to disperse the clouds of confusion in my head, finally revealing and making clear everything that he’d been doing for me.
Silly man, always rushing off to tend to this place. I swear it’s like he never goes home anymore. He’s so committed to his patients. We’re lucky to have him.
My thoughts drifted back to what Terrie had said that morning. She was trying to tell me and I didn’t listen. Instead, I brushed the statement off like every other cryptic comment she made. She’d been in on this the entire time, working in conjunction with Jeremy to ensure I remained safe.
“I – I’m sorry, Jeremy. I wouldn’t have believed you were doing things with another patient if I hadn’t heard it from – “
He barked out in indignant burst of laughter.
“From who? The staff? The same people who have been tormenting you since the moment you arrived here? Or did you hear it from the patients? The people who don’t know what day it is half the time? Please tell me you’re joking with me, Alex, because if you trust those people over me, there is no way I can continue treating you. My help won’t be effective unless you can trust that I have your best interests at heart.”
“I’m sorry.” Squeaking out the weak apology, I hunched over myself, hiding my eyes behind curtains of hair, desperate to keep him from seeing the shame that was evident in my expression.
“I’m so sorry. It’s just – this is all so hard, Jeremy. Each day I’m being told something different. I’m being led to believe something different by every person I come across. I don’t think the patients meant to hurt me – not them. They’re trapped in the same nightmare as me.”
“You should have known something was wrong when the staff tried to make you believe that. Lisa, Ali, Joe: all of them are against you, and I know that. But you have to give me time to find the evidence I need to get rid of them. I’m in charge of the daily operations of this place, but I can’t fire them without strict proof to hand over to the State.”
His finger brushed my cheek as he moved aside the hair behind which I was hiding. He breathed out slowly, his voice soft and trembling when he said, “And if what happened last night was too much for you, if it put you in a position where lies told by other people could hurt you so much, I don’t think it can happen again until I’ve cured you and walked you out of this place.”
His lips touched my cheek softly, planting a light kiss before he pressed his forehead to mine. “I will be personally walking you out of here and when I do, I won’t be able to stop touching you. I won’t be able to sleep at night without you. I won’t be able to function without you by my side. Do you believe that?”
I didn’t answer immediately and he clenched his eyes shut before opening them again and pinning me with his sapphire blue gaze. “Please, Alex. Please tell me you believe me.”
I couldn’t speak. The build up of emotion inside
me had become a ball in my throat. So I did the only thing that would show him I believed him. I didn’t have to move far at all to brush my lips across his, to grant him a soft kiss that I hoped would say everything he needed to hear.
He pulled away, but didn’t let me go. Keeping me at an arm’s distance, he searched my eyes for the answers he sought. I met his stare and held it, determined to convey an apology and a promise without having to say a single word.
“Alex…” It wasn’t a statement but a question, and I smiled in order to answer the one word appeal. “I won’t do this to you again, I can’t…”
I didn’t care what he said he wouldn’t – or couldn’t – do. I wanted him. Every part of him. Shame enveloped me that I’d allowed myself to believe he was so cruel as to sleep with me one night, only to fuck another patient the next day. I’d been a fool to allow myself to be led astray by people who wanted to hurt me, or by people who didn’t know any better than to suspect cruelty from every member of the staff.
Finally swallowing down the bitter pain and torment of my day, I said, “I want you, Jeremy. I want this and I won’t be able to stand seeing you every day and not being able to touch you. Please forgive me, please…please don’t pull away from me. Last night – it meant so much to me. For once since I woke up in this place, I felt safe. I felt loved. Please don’t take that away. I’m sorry.”