I didn’t wait for a response.
Didn’t need his response.
I snatched my arm away when he tried to get me to wait, ignored his frustrated pleas to “talk about it”. There was nothing else to say, as far as I was concerned.
I slammed my way out of his apartment and out the front door of the restaurant, not bothering to lock it when I saw Jordan and Amina walking together, heading up the street toward me. I managed a quick smile and a head nod, then hurried past them, only making it to Viv’s shop, before tears started flowing down my face. I knocked on the locked front door, then paced in front of it, hoping that she was there. My knees went weak with relief when I saw her face peek through the window, then crease with alarm when she saw my emotional state.
She hurriedly unlocked the doors, then ushered me inside where she pulled me into a hug. “Charlie, tell me what is wrong!”
“Everything,” I sobbed, sniffling as I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Everything is just….all screwed up.”
twelve.
nixon.
—back in the day—
“I’m… sorry. Can you say that again?”
Charlie didn’t look up from her plate. Instead, she remained focused on sliding her fork around, making patterns in the marinara sauce left from dinner.
“You heard what I said, Nix. I think we should get married, or consider the possibility that maybe this just isn’t working anymore. I mean… it’s been six years.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “And? I love you. You love me. We’re together. We have the restaurant. Everything is good, so what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I want more,” she said, finally looking up. “I think over the years I’ve proven myself to be a more than worthy spouse. I work, I cook, I clean, I keep my appearance in order, we have plenty of sex, I’ve never embarrassed you, I—“
I tuned that shit out. Why was she sitting here listing her qualities like she had to sell herself to me? Like I wasn’t already wrapped tight around her little finger? Like I wouldn’t do damn near anything for her.
Except… that.
Yeah. I shook my head. Except that.
I couldn’t understand why she was stuck on this whole “let’s get married” thing, as if it were anything more than a piece of paper. I was here with her, I was committed. Everything I did, every decision that I made, was done with her in mind. Because I wasn’t interested in anything involving rings, she wanted to “consider the possibility that it wasn’t working anymore?”
What the hell?
“Nixon, are you even listening right now?”
“No.”
Charlie sighed, tossing her fork onto her plate with a clatter as she sat back, folding her arms. “So this is funny to you? Or does it just not matter at all?”
“Both.” I propped my elbows on the table, chin resting on my hands as I looked at her. “Ever since we lost the—“
“Don’t,” she muttered through clenched teeth, a flash of hurt and anger crossing her face as she sat forward. “Don’t you talk about that.”
“You never wanna talk about it, Charlie. As if that didn’t matter. As if our ba—“
“Nix, please.” Her voice shook when she said that, as if she were barely holding herself together, and I knew tears would come soon. Her eyes were already glossy.
I raised my hands in concession. “Fine. Since that happened, you’ve been on me about a ring, as if it’s gonna bring about some magical change. It’s not. It’s gonna bring about bullshit.”
And that I knew for a fact, after growing up in the constant warzone of my parent’s home. They were living together, but not married when they had me, and didn’t take vows until I was sixteen years old. Once they did, it was like somebody flipped the switch that would set off a nuclear bomb of fights, and arguing, and cursing, and yelling, and name calling in our household. My mother was hyper-conscious of fighting in front of me — as if I couldn’t hear it through the wall — and wouldn’t speak about it. Everything I heard from my dad was son, don’t ever do this to yourself or the woman you love. Don’t fall for this bullshit.
As soon as I turned eighteen and graduated high school, I got the hell out of there, and they finally divorced shortly after. They got along reasonably well now, but for me, I saw the clear dividing line. Happy cohabitation = peace. Marriage = war. Why the hell would I blow up the beautiful relationship Charlie and I had, just for the sake of having another official document to stuff in a safe and forget about?
“Your parents’ marriage doesn’t have to be ours. We have a chance to create a new legacy here, don’t you see that?”
“The only thing I see is you trying to force an issue that I don’t want to talk about.”
“If you loved me like you claim to, you would consider it.”
A heavy sense of coldness settled over my chest as I tilted my head to the side. “If?”
“Yes, if.” She nodded. “I don’t see how you can claim to love me, but not even consider marriage as an option after I’ve given you six years of my life.”
“So this is what you’re hinging it on? “If” I loved you, I would marry you, never mind that I fucking live for you, Charlie?”
She dropped her eyes, and her shoulders sagged as she brought her gaze back up to meet mine. “It’s important to me, Nix. I’m telling you, this is important to me. If you live for me, like you say… why won’t you marry me?”
“Because I don’t think it’s worth it.”
“So you don’t think I’m worth it.”
I shook my head, pulling my face into a frown. “That’s not what I said, Charlie. Don’t twist my words. I love you, but… we’re not getting married. That’s it.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.” I picked up my fork and started eating again, but the pasta felt plastic, tasteless now.
“No.”
When I looked up at Charlie, she had her hands pulled into fists, nostrils flared, and those tears I’d expected were now dripping from her eyes.
“We will get married,” she said, her voice choked. “We’ll talk to somebody, work out your issues so we can move forward, but I won’t continue like this, Nix. We’re getting married.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “The hell we are, Charlie. I’m a grown goddamned man, you’re not gonna tell me what I will and won’t do.”
“You’re gonna be a grown goddamned single man if we don’t do this.”
“So what exactly are you saying?”
“I’m saying that we can get married, or we can move on, Nixon. Those are the options. Again… it’s been six years. I’m not going to keep waiting while you do everything except what I’m telling you is important to me.”
Lifting my shoulders, I sat back in my seat. “I’m guessing that my feelings about marriage are invalid then?”
“Not invalid, but certainly misguided. You can’t look at your parent’s marriage and extrapolate it to the entire institution!”
“Okay, but what about the other hundreds of thousands of failed marriages? Are we gonna ignore that?”
“Or, we can look at the hundreds of thousands that didn’t fail. Stop deflecting, Nix. You can come up with all the excuses you want, but when it comes down to it… you’re either in or you’re out.”
I just stared at her, amazed that she was actually making me choose between two options that both meant the end of the relationship to me. Get married, and watch our relationship slowly decline to the point that we hated each other, and couldn’t wait to be apart, or… end it now, and save ourselves the trouble.
Pushing my chair back from the table, I stood to take my plate to the kitchen, then grabbed my phone, wallet, and keys. With one hand on the front door, I turned to look at the woman I loved more than anything in this world.
“I guess… we can talk later about which one of us is gonna move out.”
And then I was gone, leaving her there at the table with tears dripping into h
er plate.
I ended up at a bar, an hour away from my neighborhood because I was looking for my dad. Somebody who would understand where I was coming from.
I ended up with a first, then second, then third drink in my hand because he wasn’t there, and I was looking for relief. Something that would numb the pain of knowing that after working as hard as I could for six damned years to make Charlie happy, just being together, living together, loving together wasn’t enough.
I turned down the first two girls, but I was four drinks in by the time the third came along. I ended up in her bed, because I was looking for an outlet… and acceptance. Somewhere to go where I didn’t have to think about what a breakup meant for our future. For the business, home, and life we’d built together. But what did it matter anyway? The relationship was over… six years down the drain, because everything I did wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough for her.
— & —
“Nixon?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the feeling of Charlie’s hand on my shoulder.
I’d been relaxing, with the big window open in the bedroom and a chair pulled up to it, breathing in the air and light and energy of the city. More accurately, I was trying to relax.
Three days had passed since my breakup with Charlie, and I hadn’t seen her since then. She was still on medical leave, so I was handling all of the restaurant shifts, but she hadn’t been home to our apartment either. At least not while I was there. It only took a little asking around to know that she was staying with her mother.
“You scared the shit out me,” I said, sitting up from my inclined position so that I could stand up.
She gave me a little smile. “Sorry. You had the…” she pointed to my head, and I remembered just then that I was wearing headphones.
With a dry laugh, I pulled them off and tossed them onto the chair along with my phone, then pushed my hands into my pockets. “So… What’s up? How have you been?”
“I…” she shook her head, and when she turned her gaze back to me, her eyes were glossy with tears — a look that had become painfully familiar over the last few months. “Not good.”
“What’s wrong?”
Charlie scoffed, then shot me another one of those half-smiles. “Do you really have to ask, Nix?”
I didn’t. It was all over her face, in her puffy eyes, and conspicuously missing glow. She missed us just as much as I did.
“I don’t want us to break up because of this, Nix,” she said, meeting my gaze. “Marriage or not, I… I don’t wanna be without you. I’m sorry for making you choose, but—“ Her voice broke, and I wrapped her in my arms, pulling her against my chest. I had to, couldn’t just stand there watching her break down and not doing anything. She sniffled against my chest. “After we lost the baby, when I was so far along, it’s like… we were so close. So close to having our little boy, just three more months, and then he was just gone. And I started thinking about how you and I have come so far. I was scared that if we waited any more, if we didn’t go on and do it… you would be gone too.”
I squeezed her tighter, burying my face in her curls so I could kiss the top of her head, and then I pulled back, tipping up her chin so I could look her in the eyes. “Charlie… I wasn’t going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.”
“How was I supposed to know that?”
“Because you know me. You know I would do anything for you.”
She chuckled a little, then shook her head. “Except marry me.”
I gave a heavy sigh, then pulled away completely, walking over to the closet. I opened it and stepped in, rummaging through boxes until I found what I was looking for, then came to stand in front of her again.
I put the tiny black box in her hands, then opened it for her to see princess cut diamond solitaire inside. She gazed at the ring for a moment, then looked up at me, confused.
“I bought this ring almost a year ago, a few months before you got pregnant. I’ve … struggled over it. I knew you wanted to get married, Charlie, and I wanted to give that to you, but you’ve gotta understand… I’ve seen plenty of great relationships, but I’ve never seen a happy marriage. Even so… if this ring is what you need in order for there to be no doubt in your mind that I love, and cherish, and adore you, baby… I will get married today.”
Charlie covered her mouth with her hand, attempting to choke back a sob. It took her a moment to collect herself, but then she shook her head. “I get it, Nix. You don’t have to do this.”
“Yes I do,” I said. “I do. You’re worth it. So… are you gonna marry me or not, woman? Don’t just stand there and cry.”
She laughed, then looked down at the ring again and slowly nodded. “Yeah. I will.”
Charlie sobbed and sniffled while I pushed the ring on her finger, then threw her arms around my neck and kissed me, slow and deep. “If I wasn’t still in recovery, Mr. Graham, I would be all over you right now.”
I chuckled. “Post break-up slash engagement sex?”
“Post break up? Those couple of miserable days? That wasn’t a breakup, more like a… commercial interruption. We just… had a fight. Said some stupid things. And now… we’re back. And I love you. And it’s not because I’m finally wearing a ring… but because you wanted to give it to me.”
I ignored the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach as I smiled. “I love you. I’m scared as hell, but I love you.”
Charlie kissed me again, then gave me a tearful grin. “Perhaps a long engagement, to help ease your fears?”
“How long?”
“As long as you want.”
“Maybe…. Forever?”
“Nixon!”
“What? You said as long as I want!”
— & —
I couldn’t do this.
Every time I saw her glance down at her ring, then glance up at me and smile, it drove the knife of guilt even deeper.
But she was so damned happy.
I tried to tell myself that I would only be appeasing my own guilt by telling her I’d slept with someone else that night. Tried to convince myself that it was because I was drunk, and emotional, and stupid, so it didn’t really matter. Tried to tell myself that we were broken up, so it wasn’t really cheating. But I knew Charlie didn’t see it like that. It was a cop out. What was the point of doing this marriage thing, even trying, if I was going to let it start with a secret?
A week hadn’t even passed since I’d given her the ring. For Charlie, everything seemed new, and fresh, and happy, and wonderful again, in a way it hadn’t since before the horrible appointment where we found out the baby had passed. God knows I really didn’t want to tell her this, but I also didn’t want it as a burden going into a marriage.
“Charlie…”
I found her in the test area of the kitchen at Pot Liquor, developing a new recipe, cooking with her ring on, which was a hazard. She knew it, and still wouldn’t take that damned ring off.
“Yeah baby? What’s up?”
She turned to me with a smile, spatula in hand.
“Turn the stove off, Beautiful.”
She lifted an eyebrow, but must have noted the gravity in my expression, because she did exactly that, pulling a skillet full of caramelizing onions from the heat and placing it on the counter.
I took a deep breath, and then I told her. About looking for dad, about getting drunk… and then about going home with another woman.
The look on her face shifted slowly, from concern, to confusion, and finally, to anger.
“Nixon,” she said, her voice dangerously low. She took a deep breath, then ran her tongue over her lips. “Are you telling me that while I was at our apartment… crying my eyes out over you, and our baby, and our love… you were out fucking somebody?”
“Baby—“
“Don’t you baby me!” Her bottom lip trembled as she backed into the counter, shaking her head. “I really… I can’t believe you, Nix. The same night. Already?”
; “It wasn’t like that, I wasn’t — “
“You weren’t what, Nix? Thinking? No. You couldn’t have been.”
She looked away from me, and the ring caught her attention. When she looked at me again, there was cold anger in her eyes.
“Is that why you gave me this?” she asked, holding up her hand. “What, you thought giving me the ring was gonna make me accept this bullshit. You thought this ring would give you a pass for cheating on me? Fuck you, Nixon.”
I didn’t see her grab it, but the next thing I knew, that hot skillet was coming my way, bottom first, and I threw my arm up to deflect it. It hit my forearm, then clattered to the ground, and the next second Charlie was wrenching the ring from her finger. She threw that too, then shoved past me to leave.
Grabbing her arm, I pulled her around to face me.
“Charlie, no. I gave you that ring because I love you. I know I fucked up, but I’m not trying to bury it. I’m standing here owning up to my mistake, so that we can have a successful marriage. When I went to that bar, it was with the impression that we were done. It wouldn’t have happened otherwise.”
“Justify it however you want, Nix. The fact remains that a few hours after an argument, without even talking to me, you were screwing someone else. All these ways you claim to love me, yet you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants. I practically had to beg to get you to marry me. But you love me.” She laughed, then yanked her way out my hold. “Imagine that.”
What else could I say, if she was already convinced? I let her go, saying nothing else as she stomped her way out of the kitchen… and out of my life.
— present —
“You know Charlie called to wish me a happy birthday this morning?”
I gave my mother a sober smile as she sat back, taking a sip from her mimosa. “Is that right?”
She nodded. “Mmhmm. Every year, she calls, even though I’m just her almost mama in law. Such a sweet girl.”
Fall In Love Again (Serendipitous Love Book 3) Page 12