by Jenny Lykins
Ghostly gray fingers of dawn crept across the inky horizon, but she knew that before the sun could begin to rise above the waters, Alec and the ship would be long gone.
“Don’t do that,” he whispered, then kissed away one lone little tear that had found its way onto her cheek. Her combination laugh-sob only sent another one spilling over her lashes. “I don’t want to carry with me the memory of you crying.” He wiped away the second tear with his thumb, then tilted her face to his. “I want to dwell on that mischievous smile of yours. That outrageous twinkle in your eyes.”
She ducked her head and took a deep breath. She would not cry when he left.
Blinking her eyes dry, she raised her gaze to his, the best fake smile she’d ever managed pasted across her face.
“How’s this? Mischievous enough for you?”
He laughed, but she could tell his heart wasn’t in it, any more than hers was in that plastic grin.
“Mr. Hawthorne.” The captain nodded that they were ready to sail.
She would not cry.
“Here,” she managed to choke out, then handed Alec the last four Dramamine. “That’s all I have. Make them last.”
He took the blister pack from her fingers, then brought her hand to his lips and kissed the center of her palm.
“I love you,” he whispered, his voice almost hoarse.
She swallowed, blinked, choked on unborn tears.
“I love you more.”
He crushed her to him, brought his mouth down on hers. She clung to him, trying to absorb the taste, the feel, the smell of him; something to pull out and remember while she waited for him to return.
Finally, reluctantly, he raised his head.
“I’ll be home as soon as I can,” he whispered.
She smiled and nodded once, not trusting her voice to behave.
He placed his hand low on her flat stomach, above where the baby nestled.
“You take care of little Bubba.”
His unexpected humor brought a laugh to her lips and a sting to her eyes. She swallowed hard and nodded.
He kissed her on the forehead, the nose, the mouth, then wheeled around and marched up the gangplank, taking her heart with him.
The moment he reached the deck, the captain gave the order to cast off.
Shaelyn stood where he’d left her and watched the ship set sail. Alec stood at the rail, staring back.
Not until he was too far away to see did she let herself cry. And when the tears came, the sobs wracked her body until she knelt on her knees and curled into herself.
A silent Martin put his arms around her and held her like a father, and then he and Ned helped her into the carriage and took her home.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“When do you expect him home?” Molly sipped her tea and took another bite of her biscuit. Shaelyn’s stomach lurched at the sight. A month had passed since Alec left, an endless, lonely month, and still the morning sickness plagued her.
“His message said he’d be heading home within a few days, so, God willing, it shouldn’t take him much longer to get here than it took the message.”
“So, my dear brother might be home before the end of October. I must admit, I have missed him and his badgering.” She smiled at Shaelyn and gave her a playful smirk. “But I’ll deny it if you tell him.”
Molly slathered a thick layer of butter onto her biscuit, then added a generous dollop of jam. The moment the girl’s even, white teeth sank into it, Shaelyn’s stomach rebelled. She muttered, “Excuse me,” then made a dash for the stairs.
“Shaelyn!” Molly yelped.
Shae wondered if it were possible to wear out a chamber pot. She’d thought several times that the pink painted roses looked a bit faded where she usually held on with a death grip.
“Shaelyn!” Molly called from the doorway as Shae retched again. She ignored her sister-in-law and concentrated on not throwing up a vital organ.
“Oooh,” she moaned. A heavenly cool wet cloth fell across her neck, then Molly handed her another and told her to put it on her throat.
“Why on earth did you not tell me?” Molly asked when Shaelyn sat back on her heels. The girl’s eyes literally glittered with excitement.
Shaelyn dabbed at her face and took a deep breath.
“At first I wasn’t sure, and then when I was, I guess I was afraid I’d jinx myself.”
“Oh, Shaelyn, this is wonderful. You and Alec. Parents! Oh, my goodness! I’ll be an aunt.” She flopped into the bedside chair, then jumped to the edge. “Does Alec know?”
Shaelyn smiled and nodded as she got to her feet to pour a tumbler of water.
“I told him about a week before he left.” She smiled at the memory and her hand automatically went to her stomach. “I think I scared him to death.”
Molly giggled. “I can well believe that. And I can just see him trying not to let it show.”
“Oh, you know your brother well.”
“Speaking of brothers,” Molly chattered while Shaelyn brushed her teeth, “Father received a message from Charles. He and Mary will be returning from their wedding trip in a few days. I believe they visited every country in Europe, they’ve been gone so long.”
“Wonderful. I’m anxious to get to know them, if your father will let them near me.”
“Oh, I think Father’s days of ruling his sons are over.”
About time, Shaelyn wanted to say. Instead she took Molly’s arm and walked with her downstairs. Martin was just coming out of the parlor.
“Mr. Sheffield is here, ma’am. I told him Mr. Alec is away, but he said he would speak with you.”
What did Alec’s lawyer want with her?
At Shaelyn’s invitation, Molly followed her into the parlor. Lawrence Sheffield rose from his chair when they entered.
“Mr. Sheffield, it’s nice to see you again.” He took her hand and brushed his lips against her knuckles.
“The pleasure is all mine, I assure you. And Miss Hawthorne, how are you this fine afternoon?”
“I am exceedingly well, sir,” Molly answered. “And yourself?”
“Fit as a fiddle.” He slapped his hands against his waistcoat. “My Lori keeps me hopping.”
“Would you like some tea?” Shaelyn asked as she sank into a chair. Her knees had not quite recovered from that last bout with the chamber pot.
“No, no, my dear. I came by to deliver some good news.” He fished a packet of papers from his pocket and handed them to Shaelyn. “There was no need to file for the divorce. Your annulment was granted.”
Shaelyn’s heart stopped beating in her chest and the papers fluttered to the floor from numb fingers.
“But Alec stopped the proceedings. He sent you a message the day after we returned from the voyage.”
Lawrence frowned and shook his head in denial. “I never received a message from Alec, my dear.”
Her breath caught in her throat. The room suddenly grew hot, stifling. A white haze clouded her vision and muddled her thoughts, right before she slid to the carpet in a dead faint.
*******
Molly had all but moved back in with her. She stayed there all day nearly every day, and only returned home to sleep. Shaelyn didn’t know how Molly was getting around Der Fuehrer, but she was eternally grateful to have her around.
The news that she and Alec were no longer married, indeed, in the eyes of the law had never been married, had thrown her into a tailspin until Molly simply suggested that they could marry again when Alec returned. Amazing, how being upset can muddy the simplest solutions.
“Are we going to the docks today?” Molly put down the book she’d been reading and looked to Shaelyn for her answer. They’d been going to the docks nearly every day, awaiting word on Alec’s ship, or, please God, the ship itself.
Shaelyn nodded. “I thought we might go to the inn for lunch, if my stomach’s on it’s best behavior.”
It’d been nearly two weeks since she’d gotten Alec’s message that
he would leave within days. She figured he had to be arriving any day now, and she wanted to be standing on the dock when his ship came into sight.
The sound of a horse galloping up the drive drew Shaelyn to the window.
Alec!
“Oh, Molly! He’s home!”
She tossed her pen atop the journal she’d been writing in and flew to the door and onto the drive. And then her heart sank in her chest.
Charles, not Alec, dismounted in front of the house. She fought back tears of disappointment. She’d grown fond of Alec’s brother and his wife since their return. Perhaps Charles brought news of the ship.
“Good morning, Charles.” She tried to sound happy to see him. “Have you heard from Alec?”
Charles took her arm and led her toward the house.
“Let’s go in and sit down,” he said, all but pulling her up the porch steps.
Shaelyn followed, then dug in her heels in the parlor when she realized Charles had not once looked at her.
“What is it? What’s happened?”
Charles scrubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand, just like his older brother.
“Please sit down, Shaelyn.”
Alarm bells rang in her head. “I’ll sit down when you tell me what’s wrong.”
Charles finally raised his head and looked at her with eyes red-rimmed and full of pain.
“No!” She sank into the nearest chair, her heart in her throat, a buzzing in her ears.
“His ship went down,” Charles choked through tears. “There were no survivors.”
“No,” Shaelyn whispered, her heart ripping from her chest, her head shaking in denial. No survivors. No survivors. “You’re wrong,” she insisted. The humming grew louder in her ears.
Molly had buried her face in Charles’ chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Shaelyn wanted to tell her to stop it. That Charles was mistaken.
He took a slip of paper from his coat and handed it to Shaelyn. One paragraph leapt out at her.
It is confirmed that the ship the Zephyr, of Hawthorne Shipping, went down with all hands off the east coast of the Territory of Florida during a hurricane. Five unidentified bodies recovered. Will ship to Port Helm, Maine on next ship north.
“Noooo!” The wail seemed to come from somewhere outside her, but her mind screamed the word of denial. She crumpled the paper in her fist, then wrapped her arms around her stomach, rocking back and forth, letting the sobs well up from the deepest part of her soul.
He couldn’t be dead. Not Alec. Not someone so full of life. Not now that they’d found each other.
Images of him being battered by the storm flashed in her mind. Of the deck slipping below the water, of him struggling in a thrashing sea. Of him nuzzling her neck. Kissing her stomach. Talking to the baby.
Oh, God, no! No!
The tears came, faster than they could spill onto her cheeks, burning her eyes and dragging the agony in her soul up with them.
Masculine arms pulled her against a hard chest. She turned into Charles and wept into his shoulder. Wept for the love she had lost, for the love she would never know, for the man whose arms she ached to be in.
She cried so hard she feared she would lose the baby. She calmed herself, held the pain inside until she could deal with it better. She couldn’t lose this tiny piece of Alec. The fruit of the tender love they’d shared.
“I’ll be fine.” Her voice caught on the words as she sat up and dried her eyes with the back of her hands. Numbness settled over her brain like a thick blanket of fog. The welcome numbness allowed her to let Charles help her rise and guide her up the stairs to the bedroom. She heard a sobbing Molly call for Martin, and then murmuring voices followed by Martin’s agonized gasp.
She couldn’t listen anymore. She couldn’t listen to others mourn her husband when she felt like she could never mourn him enough herself.
She curled up on the bed and denied Charles’ suggestion to have Margaret sit with her. She just wanted to be left alone with her misery.
When the door shut quietly, closing her off from the world, she dragged a pillow to her and wrapped her arms around it. The pillow smelled like Alec, even though the bedding had been changed. The scent brought fresh tears to her eyes and she buried her face in its softness, breathed in the perfume that was the essence of the man she loved.
How could he do this to her? How could he die when she loved him so much? When they had their whole lives ahead of them? How could she bear this life without him?
*******
Shaelyn sat in the church, dressed in black from head to toe, flanked by Molly on one side and Charles and Mary on the other. William and Jane sat across the aisle, William, for a change, subdued, with the appearance of actually mourning his son. He even held his grieving wife’s hand and patted it on occasion.
Shaelyn blocked out the words of the minister. She couldn’t sit there and listen to him talk about Alec being dead. There was no body to bury, no grave to visit, nothing tangible to help her through the grieving process. Just this memorial service.
Charles had viewed the five recovered bodies and sworn that none of them was Alec. There had been over twenty men on the ship. At least fifteen other families were going through this as well. Bidding farewell to a loved one whose grave was miles and miles of saltwater.
Charles stirred beside her and held her elbow. The service must be over. She rose and let him guide her down the aisle. A sob broke from her throat She’d never walked down the aisle with Alec. And now, as she viewed that space through the black haze of her mourning veil, she realized she wasn’t even a widow in the eyes of the law.
The knife that had pierced her heart for days now twisted with a vengeance. She leaned on Charles and would have given into the wracking pain if not for some of Alec’s last words to her, ringing in her mind.
Don’t do that, he’d whispered. I don’t want to carry with me the memory of you crying. I want to dwell on that mischievous smile of yours. That outrageous twinkle in your eyes.
She blinked back the ever-present burning and straightened her shoulders. She would never tell him goodbye. But when she left this church and the service in his memory, somehow she would walk out of there with a smile beneath her veil.
*******
She thought the people would never leave. They filtered through the house for hours, extending their condolences, reminiscing about Alec. They thought they were helping ease her pain, and maybe if she and Alec had shared a long life together the stories might have helped. But she’d only had him to herself for little more than two months, barely time to build her own memories. She didn’t even know these people.
She shook her head and told herself to be strong.
Molly, Charles, and Mary had stayed by her every minute. William and Jane had even come for a while, but Shaelyn could tell that William was there strictly for appearances. They had left when Jane had broken down in tears.
Lawrence Sheffield entered the room with a tiny, porcelain doll woman on his arm. He towered over her like a lumbering bear.
“Shaelyn, my dear, this is my wife, Lori.”
The woman gave her a sympathetic smile and patted her hand. “I am so sorry, dear.”
“Thank you,” Shaelyn repeated for the millionth time that day.
Sheffield knelt beside her on the floor, and still she had to look up into his eyes.
“I know this is a terrible time, my dear, but I feel I must speak to you in private.”
Shaelyn had a feeling she didn’t want to hear this conversation, but at least it would give her a break from the never-ending condolences. She rose and led the way to the library. The scent of Alec still clung to the air in the room, tugging at her heart. She swallowed hard.
Lawrence waited until she’d seated herself before he began.
“William questioned me about the annulment today. Considering the legalities involved with the dispensation of Alec’s property and the fact that he had no will, I had to admit to him that the annul
ment had been granted.”
Shaelyn took a deep breath and released it. “Don’t worry about it, Lawrence. You had no choice.”
“You realize what he’s planning, do you not?”
She closed her eyes and nodded. “He’s going to take Alec’s property under the grounds that we weren’t married.”
Lawrence nodded. “He is within his rights,” he said, “but not within the bounds of honor, as far as I’m concerned.”
She looked at the kind-hearted attorney and decided to unload some of her burden.
“I’m pregnant, Lawrence.”
The man’s eyes widened and he bowed his head.
“It happened after we spoke to you. We realized we loved each other and only then did we consummate the marriage. We were so happy, and we thought you’d stopped the annulment proceedings.”
“This doesn’t surprise me, my dear. And you’d have been damned fools not to recognize that love. But promise me one thing.”
Shaelyn nodded her promise.
“Don’t tell William you are with child.”
The implications of his warning shocked Shaelyn to the core.
“Molly’s the only one who knows. William will find out only when I can no longer hide it.”
He patted her hands and walked to the door. “You’re exhausted, child. Stay in here and rest, and I will dispel this crowd in my own charming way.”
She gave him a weary smile. “I love you.”
*******
Shaelyn stared at the grandfather of her baby and wondered how such a bastard could have a son as wonderful as Alec.
Just a matter of days had passed since the memorial service, but William had wasted no time in evicting her from the house. He had just given her notice that he wanted her out by the end of the week.
She stood, officially ending their meeting. “I will be gone by morning,” she said as she walked to the door. She turned, unable to resist her parting shot. “And you will never lay eyes on your grandchild.” She gave him a level look and lowered her hand to her stomach.