‘Aren’t you going to open it?’ Elizabeth stamped her stick on the parquet floor.
‘I’ll read it later.’ Kate stuffed the letter in her bag. ‘Have you got everything you need?’ The thread of blue veins under her mother’s eyes were more prominent than usual. A faint clicking noise seemed to come from the back of her throat. They stood awkwardly facing one another. If they’d been a different mother and daughter, Susie and her mum for example, they might have hugged. Instead, Kate stepped back. As she did so, a hot pain shot through her groin. She excused herself and dashed to the downstairs toilet. Fresh blood stained the tissue. This should be good news she told herself. It’s what James would want. But in her diary, she’d started crossing off each day hoping to reach the safe twelve weeks mark. She would have to call the midwife. The dull ache in her lower back was what she normally felt before a period. If this really was the start of a miscarriage, she needed to know what to expect.
In the car, Kate flicked on the radio to break the silence. ‘Wooden Heart’ sung by Elvis was halfway through. She hated it but thought it preferable to an awkward conversation about why she’d stayed away.
When they arrived at the hospital, they were directed to the Specialist Heart Unit. They sat in the waiting area in front of a muddled pile of magazines. A middle-aged couple looked up, both with scarlet-rimmed eyes, their arms entwined like two trees that had grown together. Elizabeth’s hands showed the slightest tremor. She tried to disguise it by stroking her gloves, but in the process, she knocked one to the floor. Kate picked it up and laid it gently on her mother’s arm. She frowned at Kate and drew her arm away.
A nurse called Elizabeth’s name.
‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come in?’ Kate asked.
Her mother shook her head and followed the nurse without looking back.
Kate went outside to leave a message for the midwife. She’d probably say she should be at home resting. She’d never felt maternal before, so where did this strange pull to have a baby come from? She replied to a couple of messages from work, half hoping to be interrupted by the midwife calling her back.
The hospital cafe wasn’t very busy. She bought herself a coffee and sat down. Usually she’d be the first to grab the nearest newspaper, but today she swung her bag onto her lap and took out the letter. She stared at the envelope, examining her maiden name scrawled in blue writing; the person she used to be was so far removed from the person she’d become, the name may as well belong to someone else. Yet her hands became clumsy as she ripped open the gummed seam and shuffled out a scrap of paper.
Thirty grand is letting you off lightly. My bank details are on the back.
Kate stared at the words, but they jumped about on the page. She folded the letter over and over into a tiny square. Thirty thousand pounds. He’d lost his mind. He clearly assumed she was rolling in it because of their successful business, her huge diamond ring and the Armani suit. But they’d worked hard to afford their lifestyle. Why should she give him a cut?
A screaming toddler arrived at the next table. The mother gave Kate a withered smile and wheeled the pushchair back and forth while the father rushed off to find a highchair. Kate unfolded the letter again. No hint of anything else. This was how he was going to play it. Not giving her any information in return.
When she looked up, the toddler had been installed in a highchair and was now banging a spoon on the tray. Kate flipped over the envelope. She held the two ripped pieces of paper together to read the post office date stamp. Isle of Wight. So, he’d gone back to live where he grew up. But what had prompted all this? Maybe he hadn’t lied when he said he’d been at Sopwell House just to see her. He was unlikely to give up once he got an idea in his head. She folded the note up again and dropped it back in her bag.
Her mother emerged, coat slightly askew and her cloud of white hair out of place. Kate put her arm across her tiny shoulders and steered her into a seat.
‘I’ll get you some tea.’
Elizabeth nodded. She propped her stick against the side of the table.
Kate joined a short queue at the counter.
At that moment, the toddler let out an ear-piercing scream. Elizabeth and Kate glanced at one another across the cafe. Kate could see the young couple apologising to Elizabeth, who gave a tight smile and shook her head as if to say ‘that’s the least of my worries’.
‘They want me back again next week,’ Elizabeth said when Kate returned with their drinks. ‘It is heart failure.’ She emptied three tubes of sugar into her tea and stirred.
‘What can they do?’
‘All down to me apparently – exercise, low salt diet, no smoking.’ Elizabeth took a compact out of her bag. ‘They expect me to do all that at my age.’ She applied lipstick to her thinned lips, emphasising the cupid’s bow with precision lines. She turned the compact mirror this way and that to see all the angles of her ruffled hair. ‘If only Ray was here.’ Her eyes glistened.
‘I’m here.’ Kate scratched her dry, flaking hands. ‘I know it’s not the same.’
Elizabeth sipped her tea. ‘Who was the letter from?’
‘No one important.’
Elizabeth looked in the mirror again and patted her hair back in place.
Kate lifted her bag on the table just as her mobile started to vibrate. She stood up and made for the door.
The midwife didn’t sound too concerned.
‘It’s too soon for another scan,’ she told Kate, ‘and it doesn’t sound like it was very much blood, so I suggest we hang on a bit longer. Give me a call if it gets any worse.’
Kate took a deep breath, wondering if the baby would be all right. She peered through the window at her mother who was taking the folded-up letter out of Kate’s bag. If only she could bang on the window. Now she was reading it.
‘There’s nothing I can do until then?’ Kate asked, desperate for a quick solution so she could end the call.
‘Not really I’m afraid; you’re still so early on. If you can make it to twelve weeks, there’s a much higher chance everything will be okay. Try and rest as much as you can. If the bleeding gets any worse, call me or your GP.’
Kate thanked her and switched off the phone. She stood for a moment with her fingers to her lips. She shouldn’t even be upset, but if she was going to miscarry, it could be painful and messy and hard to hide from James. She would have to tell him, wouldn’t she?
Back inside, the letter lay in a strange shape on the table, a checkerboard of creases. Kate snatched it up.
‘What’s all this about?’ Elizabeth asked.
‘You shouldn’t read other people’s letters.’ Kate avoided her eye.
‘That’s a lot of money they’re asking for.’
Kate buried the letter deep in her bag.
‘Who is it thinks you owe them all that?’
‘Can we leave it?’ Kate zipped her bag shut.
The toddler started screaming and drumming its feet against the back of the highchair. The mother glanced at Kate and for a split second she saw desperation in the woman’s eyes. Kate held her gaze, trying her best to convey some sympathy for her situation, but the woman looked away.
‘Shall we go?’ Elizabeth mouthed.
Kate nodded, wondering what to do about the letter. Stupid, stupid leaving it where her mother could nose round. It wouldn’t be long before she made an educated guess about who it was from and then what? Would she keep it to herself? She certainly couldn’t confide in her. Two whole decades apart. So much had happened in that time that her mother didn’t know about. Now there was something else she didn’t want to tell James. She hated keeping it from him, but what choice did she have? She’d do anything to stop him finding out what she did.
Chapter Five
Kate stared at the message on her phone:
Pay up, or I’ll come and get it myself. I know where you live.
How could he know? Maybe he was bluffing, just trying to scare her. But he knew where Mum li
ved. She did not want to get into a conversation about it; he might think he was in with a chance of getting the money. She imagined asking James how he’d found out their home address: what would he say? Through the business, through Companies House. Of course. He’d been at Sopwell House; he must know all about them and Fearless Events. Was he watching the house? She leaned across the kitchen counter. There was no one out on the green. What if he followed James on his run by the canal? He could tell him anything. He wouldn’t need to say who he was. Just a stranger filling him in about the terrible thing his wife did. He’d always been the jealous type, starting fights if another man looked her way. Was James in danger?
She only had about fifteen thousand in savings, but that was it: nowhere near the thirty he wanted. She couldn’t ask James to help her out because he’d want to know what it was for. The only alternative was dipping into the business account. Profits were up, but how would she explain borrowing that amount? It was out of the question.
She pushed her phone into the back pocket of her jeans and checked out of the window again. There was a cloth doll abandoned in the middle of the green. She hoped the little girl who’d been out there playing earlier would come back for it. Of the four houses on the other side of the newly cut grass, she couldn’t see any front doors open or anyone about. A moment later, James put his cold face next to hers. She gasped so loud he laughed.
‘Hey, you’re a bit jumpy.’
‘Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. How was your run?’ She kissed his ruddy cheek, trying to calm her breathing.
‘Good, but it’s a fresh wind.’ They gazed out at the dancing trees. The bright sun was deceiving with its lack of warmth.
‘See many people about?’ She picked up the chopping knife and started on the onions.
‘Only a couple of dog walkers.’
‘Speak to anyone?’ The knife was poised above half an onion. Her eyes tingled.
‘No.’ He frowned and rooted under her jumper, settling his hands on her stomach.
‘Careful.’ She flinched and pulled away.
‘What’s wrong?’ James asked.
‘Your hands are freezing and, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m holding a knife.’
‘Should I be worried?’ He laughed.
‘Of course not.’ But if pushed to the edge, wasn’t she capable of almost anything? She put the knife down.
‘But you’re so nice and warm and that smells delicious.’ He cupped her face and kissed her lips. A waft of sweat caught in her throat. Today even the smell of frying minced lamb was making her stomach churn.
‘Why don’t you grab a shower and I’ll make coffee?’ She finished chopping the onions and scraped the pile into the cinnamon-spiced meat juices. A cloud of steam ballooned up from the pan.
‘What time are Susie and Harry coming?’ He collected up the peelings and tipped them into the countertop compost tray.
‘Five o’clock.’
He washed his hands and stripped off his top in front of her.
‘James! Someone’ll see you.’ She pulled at the blind, but it wouldn’t budge. She scanned outside. There was no one there.
‘Never bothered you before, darling.’ He kissed her on the cheek. ‘They’re getting a babysitter, are they?’
‘No, I told you, they’re bringing Lily with them. She’s still so small.’
‘So Harry won’t be drinking?’ He stood naked in front of her, hands on hips, flexing his abs.
‘Susie will be driving. She’s still breastfeeding.’
James pulled a face before going into the downstairs wet room.
‘Oh and don’t forget, they want to talk to us about being godparents,’ she called after him. She tipped her ear, expecting his reply.
He groaned. ‘Surely they’d be better off asking people who have sprogs themselves?’
Kate turned back to the frying pan. Her eyes smarted and started to water. She’d quite like to be Lily’s godparent. She never imagined she of all people would think it was a good thing. But it would be nice, wouldn’t it? To be some sort of parent. She dabbed her nose with the back of her hand. The silliest things were making her cry this week. She didn’t answer and he didn’t call out again.
* * *
Susie and Harry arrived an hour late. When Kate opened the door, Susie bustled in carrying a large holdall and a bottle of wine. Harry followed with Lily in the baby car seat.
‘I tried to call on your mobile, but it said it was switched off.’ Susie took off her boots. ‘It’s turned into winter out there.’
‘Sorry, I didn’t think.’ Kate hadn’t wanted to leave her phone lying round and risk James seeing any of the threatening messages. Lily was crying so much her face had turned dark pink. James stood at the end of the hallway, buffing a wine glass with a tea towel. He squinted at the noise and retreated into the kitchen.
‘She’s hungry again,’ Harry said. ‘Or does she need changing?’
‘Do you want to take her up to our bedroom?’ Kate kissed them on both cheeks and helped Susie off with her coat. Milk had leaked through her blouse.
In the master bedroom, Harry unstrapped Lily and picked her up, but she wouldn’t stop crying. Kate pulled the blind down on the grey day and switched on a dim lamp. She felt surprisingly tearful watching the two of them fretting over Lily. Susie settled herself in the armchair. She undid her blouse and hitched up her camisole. Harry handed Lily over and kissed Susie’s forehead. As soon as Lily latched on, they all sighed and burst into silent laughter. Kate wiped tears from her eyes and hoped neither of them noticed.
Harry followed Kate downstairs and hung his coat in the hall before joining her and James in the kitchen.
‘I don’t know how you manage it,’ James said. He took off his reading glasses and folded the copy of The Times. The two men shook hands.
‘That’s about as bad as it gets; she’s an absolute angel most of the time,’ Harry said.
James poured a large glass of red wine to match his own and thrust it towards Harry. Kate took a tumbler out of the cupboard and poured herself lemonade with ice.
‘Are you not drinking again?’ James said.
‘Maybe she’s pregnant,’ Harry said. Both men laughed.
Oh, very funny. Turning away, she sipped her drink, the ice rattling. She poured a glass of orange and dropped in two chunks of ice. On the stairs she paused a moment to calm herself.
‘You’re a lifesaver.’ Susie took the glass and drank half of the juice.
Kate switched the lamp off and raised the blind a few inches. An orange sun had appeared behind a row of distant houses giving the room a soft glow, diffusing the black lines of the East Asian-style furniture. She sat on the carpet next to Susie’s chair. Lily had already swapped sides.
‘I hope we’re not holding up dinner,’ Susie said.
‘Not at all, don’t worry.’
‘I fed her before we left, and normally she’d sleep for two hours or so, but maybe she didn’t have enough. I think this is a top-up, so we won’t be long. See, she’s almost asleep.’
Kate sat up on her heels. Lily’s eyes half closed, and her mouth stopped sucking for a moment or two before starting again. A pang reverberated through Kate’s chest like a broken guitar string.
Lily’s tiny hand gripped Susie’s thumb.
‘Did you…’ Kate sat back down and flipped up the hem of her skirt, examining the zigzag stitching, ‘…did you always want kids?’
Susie laughed. She glanced down at Lily who was now fast asleep with her lips slightly parted. ‘I was a lot like you not so long ago,’ Susie offered Lily to her, ‘before you and I met.’
Kate sat up, trying not to look alarmed.
‘Do you mind?’ Susie asked.
She could hardly refuse. She swallowed hard, arms out.
‘Don’t look so worried. You just need to support her head.’
Lily settled into her arms. She was surprised by her lightness. The faint smell of milk and baby powde
r was strangely intoxicating.
‘I couldn’t bear the thought of having children, losing my figure, not just for nine months, but afterwards. We’ve all seen it, your body changes permanently and before you know it your other half is looking at all the younger, slimmer versions of you. I should know, I was that younger, slimmer singleton once, having a fling with a married man whose wife had not long given birth. Sickens me now, of course, but then I didn’t think about anyone else, maybe because I didn’t have to.’ Susie buttoned up her blouse. ‘But mostly, I was petrified of the responsibility. Looking after another person day in day out for years and years seemed overwhelming, and it is, if you think about it like that. I try not to. A day at a time is my policy.’ She laughed. ‘I’m lucky though, my mum comes and helps out with Lily during the week. I don’t know how I’d cope without her.’
Kate didn’t know how to respond.
‘I’m the eldest so Mum and I have that special bond.’
Kate concentrated on Lily’s face, trying not to wish her mother was the tiniest bit like Susie’s.
‘She’s chuffed to bits we named Lily after her mother. I think she’ll burst with pride at the christening. Which reminds me – you two will be godparents, won’t you?’
Kate nodded. ‘You might want to speak to James.’
‘Moaning about it, is he?’
‘Afraid so.’
Susie tutted.
‘So was Harry the same – not wanting kids?’
‘Oh no, Harry always wanted children. We nearly didn’t stay together because of it.’ She reached over and finished her orange juice.
‘So, he persuaded you?’ Kate was surprised at how comfortable she felt holding Lily. Her brown hair was so delicate and soft, the miniature features perfect.
‘Quite the opposite. He never made a fuss about it. He left me to change my mind by myself. Shame I left it so late though; we won’t be able to have any more. As it is Lily will be sweet sixteen when I hit sixty.’
A Mother Like You Page 3