The Bitch lives here!
Kate covered her mouth. What the fuck? This weirdo knew where they lived. She immediately texted Susie and asked her if she could go round and check everything had been securely locked. Susie replied immediately saying of course she would and asking if there was anything wrong. Kate made up a story about the local Facebook group reporting a rise in burglaries. She took a screenshot of the post and blocked it. Who was doing this? Why were they targeting her?
The beds around her seemed to be full, but the ward was mostly quiet. She wondered how long she’d been asleep. Her hand found her bump again, but still she couldn’t detect even the slightest flutter. She cried silently until she felt a hand on her wrist. A young nurse, not much older than Frankie, was reading the watch pinned to her uniform while her cool fingers were pressed firmly on Kate’s pulse.
‘I’ll bring you something to eat before lights out.’ She smiled at Kate. ‘Hey, are you all right there?’
Kate nodded, unable to hold her tears in.
The nurse folded back the top sheets and tucked them in. ‘It’s been a nasty shock for you.’
‘Is the baby all right?’
‘You need plenty of rest. Now then, everyone had sandwiches at tea time, is that okay for you?’
Kate nodded. Had she heard her?
‘I’ll bring a selection for you.’ She picked up a cardboard kidney dish from the bedside table. ‘You won’t be needing this.’
Kate sat up. ‘I so wanted this baby,’ she blurted out.
‘Hey come on now.’ The nurse plucked a couple of tissues from a box on the table. ‘The baby’s fine. You didn’t think…?’
Kate took the tissues and buried her face in them.
The nurse picked up Kate’s notes. ‘I’ve only just started my shift, but I believe they spoke to your husband? They said he’ll be in tomorrow morning with your daughter.’
‘He’s not my husband; he’s a friend.’
‘It says here you did lose some blood, about the time you passed out. They gave you a check over when you came in. Baby’s heartbeat was normal, but they want you to have a scan in the morning.’
‘But I can’t feel it fluttering any more.’
‘I’ll make a note and come back in an hour. If the baby still hasn’t moved, I’ll get one of the midwives to come and have a look at you.’
Kate sank back into the pillows.
* * *
Soon after breakfast the following morning, Paul arrived on the ward with Frankie by his side.
‘How are you doing?’ Paul stood, ignoring the empty chair. Frankie looked tired.
‘Much better, thanks. Hello, Frankie.’
She didn’t reply and wouldn’t look at her.
‘Everything okay with the baby?’ Paul asked.
‘I’ve just come back from a scan; the baby is moving, thank goodness.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Frankie yelled without warning.
Kate winced at the force of Frankie’s voice. The ward fell quiet, everyone watching them. A nurse hurried over from an adjacent bed.
‘Everything all right here?’ The nurse looked at each of their faces. ‘You need to keep your voices down or I’ll have to ask you to leave.’
Kate nodded and the nurse went back to what she was doing, checking over her shoulder.
‘I… I… thought…’ Kate cleared her throat. ‘I was going to tell you.’ She looked to Paul for support but detected the slightest hint of a smile on his lips. ‘I wanted to pick the right time.’
‘What makes you so sure you want to keep this one?’ Frankie’s face reddened.
‘It’s not that I didn’t want you…’ Kate’s words trailed away.
Paul whispered something in Frankie’s ear.
‘How do you know you won’t swan off and leave it after a few months?’ Frankie swept her hand out.
Kate had no idea how she was going to feel once this baby was born. What made her think she could be a good mother this time and stick at it? Society had judged her for not being a mother at her age, putting her career above wanting children, so was she trying to fit in or prove that she could do it after failing with Frankie?
She remembered the day she’d left: she’d woken early, barely having slept, thinking over the terrible thing she’d done to her baby. She was startled but comforted by the silence in the flat. Through a wide-open window in the bathroom, she’d listened to the faint buzz of a motorbike driving far off in the distance. As the sun began to show itself at dawn, the tangle of knots in her head had finally started to ease apart. What she needed to do next had finally become clear.
‘I’m sorry you’re so angry with me. I didn’t think you’d want to know about a new baby as soon as we met.’ Her voice cracked. Kate shielded her eyes with her hand. ‘I don’t intend to make the same mistake.’
‘But you’ve not even told James about Frankie, have you?’ Paul’s lips bloomed into a smirk.
‘Not yet, no.’
‘Maybe I should have told him when I texted.’
Kate blinked slowly, trying not to look at Paul enjoying her discomfort.
‘How could you keep me a secret from your own husband? Why are you so ashamed of me?’ Frankie cried.
Her daughter’s words sliced through her. Both of them were glaring at her, waiting for a lifetime’s worth of explanations. ‘I’m not ashamed of you. It’s nothing like that.’
‘What is it like then… Mother?’ Frankie’s voice grew louder as she emphasised each word.
Silence fell across the ward, everyone listening, watching, holding a collective breath.
‘I thought you’d be pleased to meet me. I was prepared to give you a chance, not listen to Dad, but it turns out he was right about you.’
‘I am pleased to meet you, Frankie, so pleased…’ Kate held out her hand, but Paul stepped aside to let Frankie walk away.
‘The truth is my husband didn’t want children. I thought if I told him about you…’
‘That just about sums you up, doesn’t it? You actually married someone who doesn’t want kids,’ Paul said.
‘So what? He doesn’t want this one?’ Frankie asked.
‘He didn’t want this baby no, but he does now. We both do.’
‘But why would you lie to him? Did you tell him you were coming to see Dad?’
‘I was scared of how he would react. I’m still scared.’
‘What kind of mother are you?’ Frankie’s mouth seemed to go up and down in slow motion, carving out each word so she’d never forget it.
‘I… I don’t know… I’m sorry.’
Frankie shook her head. ‘Take me home, Dad.’
‘Frankie, please!’ Kate climbed out of bed and went after them.
‘Don’t bother yourself,’ Paul said over his shoulder.
They headed towards the exit just as the ward door crashed open and in strolled James.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Before Paul had a chance to speak, James had landed a punch on his jaw sending him into the wall. Frankie screamed and ran towards the nurses’ station. Kate cupped her bump as she rushed towards them.
‘What was that for?’ Paul’s words foamed from his lips.
‘Kate’s told me all about what you’ve been up to.’
‘Has she now.’ Paul lifted his fist, but James elbowed him in the side. ‘Threatening her, demanding money.’
‘Did she tell you why?’
James cocked his head at Kate.
‘I’m her daughter’s dad, you idiot.’ Paul shoved him back with both hands. Two male nurses ran down the corridor shouting at them to stop. James opened his mouth and closed it again. Dazed, he squinted at Kate as though he’d received a blow to the head too. She took in a gulp of breath. There was nothing she could think of to say without making things worse.
‘This is Frankie, our daughter,’ Paul said, motioning to Frankie to come closer. ‘Can’t you see that Kate’s lied to all of us?’ Paul lau
ghed hysterically.
One male nurse held Paul’s arm behind his back. The other took James by the elbow. They escorted them out of the ward towards the lift. Kate and Frankie followed.
‘Is this true?’ James asked.
‘I was going to tell you, I promise,’ Kate cried.
‘When?’ He frowned.
‘I don’t know exactly. I wanted to.’
‘You’re unbelievable.’ Paul jabbed his finger at Kate, trying to break free from the nurse’s hold. ‘All that time I was bringing up Frankie, you were swanning around with him, pretending she never existed.’ Paul spat the words out, his face deepening to a dangerous red. Frankie didn’t speak, her eyes squinting with every word.
They all bundled into the lift, and the tallest nurse pressed the button to go down. As the doors closed them in, their sweat and combined breath filled up the small space, mingling together. Kate daren’t leave them alone for fear of Paul telling James anything else she’d run away from. She’d tried so hard to stack years and years on top of it all: starting a new life, becoming someone else with a married name, a successful business, all the while pretending nothing had ever happened. But maybe it had always been destined to rise to the surface.
They moved silently down in the lift. Because of the presence of the male nurses, she felt a little safer than she might have done otherwise. They landed with a jolt and a click. James and Paul were escorted out of the building. She trailed behind. Frankie stayed inside, slumped in a seat by a vending machine. She looked like she wanted to be alone. The nurses spoke to Kate on their way back in.
‘Will you be okay?’ the tall one asked. She gave an uncertain nod and thanked them, then glanced behind at Frankie sitting with her head forward. As she approached, Frankie looked up with forlorn eyes and turned away.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Kate said. Frankie didn’t respond. She’d hoped her future might include her daughter, but what right did she have to even think that?
The sliding doors welcomed her into the cool air.
‘I want the truth; how could you abandon your baby?’ James asked her the moment she stepped outside. She wished she had a clear-cut answer. In the grey light, she could see shadows of herself and Paul as their younger selves.
‘I couldn’t cope with a baby. You think I’m not ashamed of that?’ A line of smokers standing in the shadows shifted into view, murmuring to one another. Kate noticed one of them was a mum-to-be from her ward, her bump bursting out of her dressing gown.
‘What do you mean?’ James scratched his head as though he was missing something.
‘I didn’t know how to calm her down, how to comfort her; she just wouldn’t stop crying.’ Kate tried to ignore Paul watching her, arms crossed. ‘Paul and I were together for four years, and when I fell pregnant, I wasn’t ready for it. I was only twenty-two and I admit I struggled.’ Her words sounded hollow even to herself. She was no different to all the other mums having children young. But they’d coped, why hadn’t she? Why had she been the one to be cruel to her own baby daughter?
‘Why haven’t you told me about this before?’ James asked, taking a step back from her, palms open.
‘I didn’t think you’d want me if you knew I’d had a child.’
‘So you lied to me instead?’
‘I’m sorry. I was going to tell you when you told me about you and Susie.’
‘So why didn’t you?’ James shook his head. ‘I wish you’d said something. We could have worked it out.’
‘Easy to say now, but if I’d told you sooner you wouldn’t have wanted me. You didn’t want this baby, remember?’
Paul stepped towards them. ‘Why would she tell you the truth? Don’t you know by now, she’s a born liar?’
James fixed his eyes on Kate, ignoring Paul. ‘Why not stay in contact with Frankie though? Did he hurt you?’
‘Err, no. I never hurt her.’
‘I could have helped you stay in touch with your daughter.’
‘Frankie was barely six months old. Tell him the whole story, Kate.’ Paul pointed his finger at her.
She shivered, unable to stop the steamroller coming.
‘I wasn’t cut out to be a mother and I knew I was leaving Frankie in safe hands.’
‘What do you mean? Explain it to me.’ James crossed his arms.
‘You’re such a fucking mug, James.’ Paul shook his head. ‘She could have seen Frankie any time. She didn’t want to. She was too ashamed.’
‘You keep out of it,’ James said.
Kate half turned away. ‘The lack of sleep was driving me crazy. Because the baby cried constantly. I was so exhausted that I had to be taken back into hospital for a few days, but when I got home it started all over again.’
James frowned.
‘So I decided to leave because I couldn’t be trusted to look after her.’
‘I really want to understand, help me out here.’ James pulled his collar up against the cold wind.
‘Paul was so much better with Frankie than I was. He’d pick her up and she’d stop crying. I thought she hated me going near her, that she knew how much I resented the noise, the lack of sleep. I convinced myself she’d be happier without me.’
‘She’s full of bullshit. How about telling him the real reason?’ Paul’s eyes narrowed.
‘I’m cold; can we go in?’ Kate shivered and bowed her head. Raindrops were speckling the paving slabs. The smokers had gone in.
‘Let’s get you inside.’ James reached round her shoulders, pulling her to him.
‘Hang on, what about the rest of it? Like the fifteen grand she’s bunged me to keep quiet.’
‘You blackmailed me. Don’t forget we’re here because you pushed me over,’ Kate shouted back.
‘Leave it, Paul. You’re the one who’s been harassing her. Haven’t you done enough damage for one day?’ James turned back to Kate.
‘No, honestly, mate, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into,’ Paul said.
James swung round. ‘I’m not your mate, get it?’
Kate hurried towards the sliding doors; the cold breeze had picked up and the sense of a storm looming weighed heavily in the air.
Paul stood still. ‘You can’t trust her with your baby.’
James stopped dead. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Don’t listen to him, James.’ Kate pulled him through the doorway.
‘You don’t know what she’s capable of, what she did to Frankie.’
‘No, no, no, don’t listen, he’s trying to destroy us.’ She touched James’s chin, trying to make him look at her, but he was fixed on Paul. A distant clap of thunder flashed a vein of light across the iron sky.
‘Tell me what she did.’ James stood very still.
‘Please, no,’ Kate begged and tried to pull him away from the door, but his arms were rigid by his sides.
‘She shook our baby, for fuck’s sake,’ Paul yelled before the doors between them slid shut.
Kate felt for James’s hand behind her, but he pulled away and marched past her. Frankie was standing in the middle of the foyer, watching them. Kate needed to go to her, but Paul stepped forward, so the doors opened again like curtains on a stage.
‘Did you hear me, James?’ he yelled.
Everyone turned in Paul’s direction. Kate was powerless to stop him. As if in slow motion, James’s then Frankie’s faces morphed into shock then disgust as Paul screamed after them, ‘I caught her shaking Frankie like she was a fucking rag doll.’
Chapter Thirty-Six
All the next morning Kate waited in her hospital bed, checking each time the doors to the ward opened. Most of the other patients were in the day room watching TV. She’d tried calling Frankie several times, but there was no reply. She texted her to say sorry and asked if they could talk. A few minutes later her phone buzzed. She grabbed her mobile hoping to see her reply, but her face dropped at the words on her screen.
Why are you even still BREATHING?
<
br /> It was from yet another number she didn’t recognise. If only she could tell James, but there was already so much of her shit that he had to deal with. This could confirm to him what a terrible person she was.
Just before lunch, Kate sat upright. James was stalking towards her, coat collar lifted. For hours she’d gone through a thousand explanations, but now her mind went blank. He glanced up at her as he approached, then his focus fell back to the floor. When he arrived at the end of her bed, his skin was sallow, smudged shadows under his eyes like he’d been crying.
‘How are you?’ His voice sounded flat.
‘Okay. The baby’s fine.’ She reached out for his hands, but he didn’t offer them. Her chest caved in despair. His hair wasn’t washed and under his coat she caught a glimpse of an old X-Files T-shirt he normally wore on cold nights in bed.
‘I’m still bleeding a bit. They’re keeping me in for another night.’ Don’t hate me, she wanted to say.
He drew a finger under his eye.
‘I was so scared when I fell; I thought the baby was hurt.’
James didn’t move or speak.
‘I don’t think Frankie wants to see me. She’s not answering my calls.’ She stole a glance at him to gauge his reaction.
‘Frankie and Matt met me for coffee this morning,’ he said at last.
‘You… you spoke to them. Is she all right?’ Had Frankie organised that?
‘How d’you think?’ He stared at her as though they were strangers. His hands dug into his overcoat pockets dragging them down. ‘Frankie’s hurt you didn’t tell her you’re pregnant.’
‘How could I tell her straight away? Paul would have called me insensitive.’
A Mother Like You Page 20