He looks just the way I remember. His hair is still cut short and those captivating eyes, so full of hopes and dreams. He appears a little more built, probably from all the football workouts, and his skin is more tanned, but he’s still my Jake. No, he’s not my Jake, I tell myself. He hasn’t been my Jake since he broke my heart the day after the accident. He may not be mine, but the impulse to run into his arms is almost unbearable. My bottom lip begins to tremble; I suck it into my mouth and bite down, attempting to distract myself from the urge to go to him, but I bite down a little too hard and flood my mouth with the metallic taste of blood. I free my lip from between my teeth and run my tongue along it, and I hear Jake gasp, causing me to look up. Our eyes meet and I can see the pain and longing buried in his beautiful brown eyes. Is he struggling with this reunion as much as I am? I can’t take this awkward silence any longer.
“Hey, Jake. I didn’t expect to see you here.” My voice comes out high and squeaky, belying the confident façade I was trying to put on.
“I just had to see you, Alex. I couldn’t stay away when I knew you were so close.”
The way he looks at me, so vulnerable and so full of longing, is enough to make my knees go weak. My mind rushes back to the day Jake and I first met, two years ago.
We were both sophomores at Hilldale High School. Jake and I were in the same Spanish class, and we were learning how to introduce ourselves. Our teacher, Señora Bello, assigned us to work with partners and I got paired with Jake. Though I had never really paid much attention to him, he seemed like a nice enough guy, but his Spanish was awful. Every time he tried to ask me my name, it came out sounding like “come to your mama.” We spent most of the class laughing about that, when I wasn’t too busy obsessing over his looks. I had never really noticed how HOT he was before that day, but sitting there with him, it was all I could think about. The way his dimples sunk in when he smiled, or the way his front tooth was a tad bit crooked, and the way his eyes twinkled when he talked about football. When the bell rang, he followed me out of class and to my locker. I could tell he was nervous, and I had a feeling he wanted to ask me out, but it still kind of took me by surprise when he basically demanded that I hang out with him after school. We agreed to meet up outside the locker room after his football practice that afternoon.
When Jake walked out of the locker room, fresh from the shower, my heart literally skipped a beat. The aroma of his spicy cologne wafted over me and all I could do was stare. When my eyes met his they seemed to sparkle with little flecks of gold. His nose was a smidge crooked, like it had been broken before. I found out later that it had actually been broken twice—once when his brother pushed him out of their tree house when he was eight and again during a football game when he got tackled by three guys. We spent the rest of that day together and became an official item a week later. I was sure we would last forever. I was sure of a lot of things back then, but it was all ruined on that one dreadful day. The day I will never be able to forget. The day that will haunt me forever. The day that has brought me back here.
After being away from Jake for so long, I was sure I was over him, but seeing him now makes me realize I’m not over him at all. The overwhelming attraction I used to feel for him comes catapulting back, awakening every nerve in my body—they are all pulsing for Jake. But I can’t give in. I can’t let myself be vulnerable to getting hurt all over again.
“How’d you know where to find me?” I ask, feeling a little out of breath.
“You always used to come here to think, and you said you had some stuff to figure out, so….” Jake shrugs and lapses into silence.
I can no longer control my emotions. The tears break free and my shoulders shake from the sobs wracking my body.
“Alex,” Jake says, taking a step toward me.
I throw my trembling hand up to stop him. “I can’t do this, Jake,” I manage to squeak out. “I thought I could be near you again, but I can’t. It’s too much. I can’t handle it. I have to go. I have to get out of here.” I turn to leave in the opposite direction.
Jake races up behind me and grabs my arm in an attempt to stop me, his fingers dig into my skin, but I ignore the pain. All I can focus on is the feeling of his warm, strong, familiar touch and it zaps away any self-control I had left in me.
“Alex, do you still love me?”
I gasp and turn to him, a look of disbelief on my face. How dare he ask me that?
“Is it not obvious!” I shout at him. Shocked at my volume, I drop my voice to a whisper. “I shouldn’t, and I wish to God I didn’t, but I do, I always have.” My shoulders slump in defeat. What was I thinking coming back here? I should have known I wouldn’t be able to face Jake without these feeling resurfacing.
“I still love you, too, Alex. I never meant for it to end the way it did. I didn’t want it to end at all. Let me explain.” He speaks the words, but they in no way match his expression. It used to be so easy to know what he was feeling, what he was thinking, but now, his once expressive face is just a blank canvas.
Fresh tears fill my eyes and begin to spill down my cheeks. I clasp my hand over my mouth to muffle the sounds of my sobbing.
Jake wraps his strong arms around me as I cry, the fabric of his shirt absorbing my tears.
“Shh…Alex, don’t cry.”
I sniffle into his shoulder. “How, Jake?”
He pulls back, his eyes scrunched up in confusion. “How what?”
“How could you do that to me? How could you break my heart like that? You just quit calling and coming around with no explanation.” I try backing away from him, but he pulls me closer.
“I know, Alex, and I’m sorry. My parents were lecturing me to stay away from you, that I didn’t need to get dragged into the mess with your family. They said if I let myself get involved it would eventually interfere with my football, and that I would lose any chance I had at getting a scholarship.” Jake starts rubbing circles on my back with his fingers, sending chills spreading over my body. “Coach James was threatening to pull me out of the first game if I didn’t pull it together and start focusing. My teammates kept trying to convince me that you weren’t worth it. That I shouldn’t let some girl ruin my chances at being recruited to a good college to play ball. I let it get to me and I stupidly walked away. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.”
“So, you let everyone else tell you what to do without even talking to me? There’s no way I would have let you get involved with what was going on with my family. I can’t believe you had thought any differently, Jake. I loved you, and I thought you loved me, too.”
Jake caresses my cheek with one hand and wipes away my tears. He gazes down at me, his eyes full of love. “I did love you, Alex. I still do.” He pulls me even closer. “God, Alex, I was horrible to you. I left you when you needed me the most. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Obviously, you weren’t,” I say softly.
“I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see you today. I knew if I looked at you and didn’t see the love in your eyes that I was so used to seeing it would kill me, but I had to know. I had to see you, even if it was just to say goodbye for real.”
I want to believe him, I really do, but it’s hard. I wish I could read him better. We used to be so connected, we could practically read each other’s thoughts. Is that gone?
Jake eases us down on the ground and cradles me in his arms. “I tried to come to you, the day you moved, but I was too late, you were already gone by the time I got to your house.”
I wipe the snot and tears from my face with the palms of my hands and look up at him, into those brown eyes that used to hold so much promise, but now just show defeat. He wipes a stray tear away from my cheek. I close my eyes, taking a moment to bask in the warmth of him. I feel him slide his hand away and a small moan of displeasure escapes from my lips, but it is soon replaced with a moan of pleasure when his lips softl
y graze mine. I lift my hands to caress his face, and the familiarity of it all washes over me. This is where I belong. This is home. I attempt to deepen the kiss but he stops me.
“I’m so sorry, Alex.”
What? Oh, my God, he regrets it. He regrets coming to me. He regrets kissing me. A million thoughts soar through my mind, making it hard for me to breathe.
“I should have been there for you.”
Relief washes through me and I let out the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. He squeezes my hand and we both take a minute to get a handle on our emotions. I don’t know about him, but mine are all over the place right now.
Jake takes my other hand and pulls me up, leading me over to a nearby bench swing. We sit and he wraps his arm around me, allowing me to snuggle into his side. I reach up, intertwining our fingers like we used to do, and together we watch the seagulls flapping around happily. Lucky birds, I think to myself, not a care in the world. A bit later, Jake turns to face me, still holding onto my hand. I’m not sure if it’s because he wants or needs to feel my skin against his, or if it’s because he’s worried I’ll try to run, but I couldn’t care less about the reason. Just sitting here with him is enough to make me forget about the threats and the fact that someone knows the truth about everything.
“You said on the phone that you needed help with something. So, what can I help you with?”
I really don’t want to get into this with him right now. Not since we just reconnected. He’ll be done with me for sure once he knows the horrible thing that I’ve done. But I have to do it; I have to tell him. I survived my heartbreak over him once before, so if I have to, I guess I could do it again. I open and close my mouth a few times, not quite ready to reveal the dreadful truth. My body is shivering with both anticipation and worry. How will he react? Will he keep my secret or will he feel obligated to tell?
“Alex, what’s going on?” He removes his arm from around my shoulder and takes my face in his warm, strong hands, staring deep into my eyes. “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. You can tell me. We’ll figure it out.”
I bite down on my quivering lip and try not to look away. “You say that now, but once you hear what I’m about to tell you, you’re going to hate me. I won’t blame you, but I do want you to promise me that everything I’m about to tell you will stay between you and me. You can’t tell anyone, Jake. Promise me.”
My slight trembling has now turned into violent shaking and my voice is all squeaky like I just inhaled a balloon full of helium.
“I promise, Alex, just calm down and tell me what it is so we can fix it.”
“I’m serious, Jake, you can’t tell anyone!” I say, my voice rising in panic.
He strokes my cheek, runs his finger along my lip, and then gently cups my face in both of his hands again, sending electric tingles down my spine.
“Look at me, Alex. I swear this will stay between us. Now, tell me what’s going on so I can help you. I hate seeing you like this.”
I suck in a deep breath, mentally preparing myself. “The accident was my fault, not my dad’s!” I blurt out.
Confusion is stamped all over Jake’s face and his hands drop to his sides. He turns in the swing, his body rigid and his jaw doing that weird ticking thing.
I repeat the same story I told Mom and Anna last night. This time around, it’s a little easier getting it out and I’m able to keep the waterworks at bay for the most part. When I finish revealing everything, I look up, hoping to gauge his reaction, but his face is a blank mask. He seems eerily calm.
“Jake?” I say his name, but he doesn’t respond. Maybe he isn’t calm, maybe he’s in shock. Lord, what have I done? I grab his shoulders and shake him. “Jake,” I say again.
He swats my hands away, quite forcefully. He looks at me, his eyes burning with anger, but then he blinks and it’s gone. “Huh? Oh, sorry,” he responds, looking at the ground.
I sit there for a several seconds, giving him time to absorb everything I just told him and trying to understand his reaction. I’m expecting him to get up and leave at any minute, so it totally catches me off guard when he leans over and envelops me in a tight hug. I squeeze my arms around his waist, hugging him back and enjoying the feel of our bodies pressed together. There’s more to tell, but now is not the time. I want to enjoy this while I still can. I don’t want to ruin our reunion just yet.
He pulls back and presses his lips to my forehead. “I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me this, but I’m confused. Your dad took the blame and no one else knows, so what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that someone does know, and they keep sending me threatening messages, and I have no clue who it is.” I drop my face into my hands, fighting the urge to start crying again.
“What do you mean? What kind of messages?” Jake asks, standing up from the bench and pacing.
“Jake, please sit down. You’re making me nervous.”
“I can’t right now. Just tell me what this asshole is doing so I can take care of it.”
I tell him everything: Tyler showing up everywhere, the encounter with someone at the pool hall, the letters, the phone, the text messages…everything.
“So, you think it’s this Tyler guy that’s threatening you?” He cracks his knuckles—something he always does when he’s mad or upset. The sound makes me cringe inwardly. I always hated when he did that.
“I’m not sure, he just keeps popping up everywhere I am, and…I don’t know, he’s creepy, but I don’t know if it’s him or not. No one seems to know anything about him. Anna thinks he’s harmless, though. It’s all one big mess and I just want it to end.”
“I know you do and I promise we will find out who’s behind it.”
“Maybe I should track down the family,” I suggest.
“What family?” Jake asks.
“The family of the people I hit.”
“What? No, Alex, that is a horrible idea.” Jake stops pacing and stands directly over me, his eyes scrunched up against the sun.
“It’s the only logical plan I can come up with. I’m open for suggestions if you think you can come up with a better idea.”
Jake rubs his hands over his head, apparently aggravated, and mumbles some indecipherable words.
“It’s not like I’m going to tell them who I am. I’ll make up some story. I could tell them I’m doing a paper on the dangers of distracted driving and want to interview them. That’s believable,” I say with confidence, although I’m still trying to convince myself that it will work.
“I don’t know. It just seems like a really bad idea.” More knuckle cracking.
“It will be fine, and you’ll be with me the entire time. Please, Jake. I have to find out if they know anything.” I know he doesn’t understand why I need to do this, but I need him with me. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to do it alone.
“What if they recognize you?”
“They never saw me. Mom made sure that Anna, Zack, and I were kept out of the press and she didn’t let us go to the court hearings, so there’s no way they would know who I really am. I’m doing this, Jake, with or without you.” I stand up and brush off the back of my pants. “Please don’t make me do this alone,” I whisper.
“Damn it, Alex, you know I’m not going to let you do this by yourself.” He blows out a deep breath. “Fine, let’s get this over with.”
JAKE AND I HEAD OVER to the public library, and after searching online for what feels like days, but is really only about thirty minutes, we finally locate some articles about the accident. We collect as many names as we can and begin researching them one by one. Luckily, we’re able to get the address for the family, and to my surprise, they only live about twenty minutes away in Rosetta. We decide to take Jake’s truck so no one will be curious about my Rhode Island plates. We don’t want to risk anyone asking questions
I’m not prepared to answer. We make a pit stop at his house so I can freshen up and leave my car. Fifteen minutes later, despite Jake’s several attempts to change my mind, we’re on our way to Rosetta.
IT TAKES US ABOUT FORTY minutes to get here due to beach traffic, which was plenty of time for my nerves to tie themselves in knots that even Houdini couldn’t escape from. We pull up in front of a two-story brick home with a white picket fence set between brick columns. Jake grabs my hand and I pull my gaze away from the house to look at him.
“Are you sure about this? We can turn around and go back right now if you want to,” Jake says.
I’m touched that he cares so much and is worried about me, but I have to find some answers. I will not let him talk me out of it, and I wish he would just accept that.
“No, I have to do this, Jake.” I give his hand a squeeze and climb down out of the truck.
Jake steps out and rounds the hood, coming up beside me to hold my hand on the sidewalk. We make our way up the walk, lined in marbled stepping stones, and surrounded by elephant ears. I feel like Jane of the Jungle. We get closer to the house and I see a wheelchair ramp off to the side of the front steps.
Grave Little Secrets Page 9