by Casey Lane
“Halo, please stop trying to change the subject.” His head tilted and his lips pursed.
I shook my head and bit at the edge of the candy bar wrapper. He grimaced just as I expected. This was the only perk of being so intimate with him. I knew his pet peeves.
“Seriously, don’t do that. Germs galore.” He reached over and took it from me, and I watched him tear it open. He handed it back, and I broke off a piece and offered it to him with a grin.
He wagged his finger at me. “Nice distraction.”
“David, take it.”
“I can’t eat sweets, remember? It gives me stomach trouble, Halo.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” I muttered, feeling horrible for forgetting his digestive issues, of which there were many. He was lactose intolerant, had a gluten allergy, couldn’t eat much red meat and chocolate gave him more than just stomach pains…he would be in the bathroom for an hour praying to the porcelain god.
It was just one more reason why it was best that we weren’t together. Obviously, I would be the death of him.
I stared at the chocolate in my hand. “I would have been a terrible mother,” I mumbled.
“What?” he asked, and I looked up at him in confusion.
“David, there’s a reason I don’t have any animals or children. I can barely keep myself alive, let alone…” I paused. It was more than I meant to say and less than he deserved. It reminded me of when we were still together. He always wanted to be completely open with me, and I found it hard to let him know things as meaningless as what kind of shampoo I preferred to use. In fact, it took him three months to figure out that I liked milk flavored coffee doused in raw sugar and not the other way around.
He paused, and his mood darkened. “Halo, I care about you, still. Probably foolish of me but there it is, now you know. So what now? What do we do?”
My chest tightened. “David, please,” I spoke with remorse. There was nothing to do now or ever. David should run, but he stayed at his own risk. He had no idea that it could get worse with me, but it was now. So much worse than I ever could have predicted.
He crossed his arms over his broad chest and took that stance, the one that told me he was about to get all deep and philosophical, but his plans were interrupted when another ambulance came screeching to a halt outside the automatic doors, and the gurney rushed in.
This time it was a man who looked to be in his early thirties. Two EMT’s were furiously working away on him. They had performed a tracheal intubation and one pressed firmly on the bag attached to his face while the other kept a steady rhythm on his chest.
He was dying, and oddly enough I felt it this time. I can’t explain how or why, but I could, and it made my muscles ache and my hands tingle at my sides. I dropped the candy bar, and it hit the floor. I didn’t even bother to look down. My eyes were locked on the man who now lingered between life and death. Whispers rose up all around me, becoming louder and louder and I could see ghostly shadows darting across the entryway and rushing alongside the gurney. I felt my eyes widen and dry, unable to look away. I was sure that this had to be a hallucination of some sort.
The whispers continued to become louder and louder until I reached up and covered my ears, muffling the many voices until silence relieved me and I heard my name spoken, clear as day by a man’s voice who seemed familiar, but had yet to be identified.
“Halo Bay.”
My heartbeat sped up, and my stomach tightened. I sucked in my breath.
“Yes,” I whispered back, but no one answered me, and it left my chest hollow and filled me with sadness. Whoever had spoken to me knew me better than I knew myself.
I opened my eyes in shock as David sprang into action and ran alongside the gurney and through the double doors. He called out to me as he jogged backward. “This conversation isn’t over, and please, get checked out.” The doors swung closed behind him, and he was gone along with the man and the ghostly figures in the room.
And that was David Weller. Compassionate, overtly romantic…a fine catch.
I reached down and knocked the manila folder into the short white trash can that sat next to the desk. My eyes lingered on it for a few seconds longer, and then I flinched when another familiar voice sprang up beside me. “Halo, Dr. Trager asked to see you.”
“Great,” I muttered.
I sat down and leaned back in the creaking chair, staring at the computer screen as the words went out of focus. “I’m busy; it’s crazy tonight.” I grabbed my glasses and slid them on, wrinkling my nose. I tilted my chin upward, and still, the words remained fuzzy. My eyesight was becoming worse and worse, and it annoyed me.
“He said it was urgent; I’ll handle the desk while you’re gone.” Julia wouldn’t take no for an answer. I had worked with her for two years, known her for seven, if you count nursing school. We weren’t close, but she wanted to be. She had asked me out to lunch so many times, but I always had an excuse. I appreciated her tenacity, but my walls were thick and unyielding.
I bit my lip and eyed the trashcan. Dr. Trager was aggressive, so I knew if I didn’t go he would just come to me. It was inevitable.
I let out a defeated sigh and removed my glasses, dropping them on the desk. “Fine, but I won’t be long, so don’t get settled in, k?”
I stood up, and Julia stared at my wrist. Her eyes lifted to meet mine, and I knew she wanted to ask me about it, but she held her tongue. I watched as she sat down in my chair and a thin strand of her auburn hair brushed against the side of her rosy cheek.
She was gorgeous. She had large blue eyes, perfect build, soft voice, and a good heart. Her hair sat swirled on the back of her head with a white pen shoved through it. Her large black framed glasses clung to her button nose. She should go out with David.
I bet she could make him happy.
He deserves happiness.
I made my way around the desk and paused in front of it. I reached up and ran my hand across the cold surface. I paused and tapped it twice.
“David Weller is a really nice guy,” I said with a forced smile. Julia glanced up at me.
“David?” she asked with one perfectly shaped eyebrow darting up.
I nodded. “Yeah, he’s working an extra shift today, but when he comes back out here you should, I don’t know…maybe ask him out for coffee or something.”
Her brow furrowed. “You dated him, didn’t you?”
I licked my lip and bit into it. My fingers caressed the chilled surface. “Yeah, but it was totally casual,” I added a shoulder shrug to drive home my disinterest.
She laughed under her breath, and I removed my hand and glared at her.
“What?” I asked.
She shrugged her shoulders and eyed the room; then she whispered to keep it between us.
“Listen, that’s not what I heard.”
My eyebrow cocked. “Well, I don’t know what you heard, but what we had wasn’t serious at all. It was casual. Totally chill.” My eyes wandered.
“Not from what David says.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I don’t understand.”
She laughed and stood up, leaning forward and lowering her voice to a half whisper.
“Well, the word love was tossed around, like a few times.”
I sucked in my breath and stepped back from the counter. I know that my reaction was overly dramatic, but love and I don’t mix very well. I reached up and rubbed the side of my neck, feeling the moisture that was building on the surface of my skin.
“I never said…”
She interrupted me. “You didn’t have to; it’s in the eyes.”
I shook my head and wiped my hands on my thighs. She stood up straight as I tried to salvage my poor attempt at pawning him off on her.
I nervously thumbed behind me. “I should go see what Dr. Trager wants.”
She nodded, and I rushed off, unable to process what she had just said and knowing that I shouldn’t give it a second thought.
Not now, not
ever.
* * *
The elevator dinged and made me blink. The horrible music droned on overhead. The doors opened, and I stepped out onto a quiet floor. I turned to the right and made my way down the long white hallway, passing by one closed door after another. White, red, white, red, then a black one. Each one housed an office for the medical doctors on staff here at Mercy General. They use these rooms to deliver good or bad news to patients every single day. I paused as I heard some sobbing coming from one of the rooms and then pushed on until I finally found myself standing in front of Dr. Trager's door.
I gently tapped on it and hoped he wouldn’t hear me, but no such luck. A strong, yet comforting voice bellowed from the other side. “Come in.”
I would prefer to turn and run, but why should I? The truth doesn’t dissolve simply because you choose to ignore it.
I twisted the handle and stepped into his office. My eyes rushed along his back wall, and I studied the multitude of pictures. Some of them celebrated his long career and accomplishments in the medical field, but mostly it was of his family, the irony.
“Halo.” He said as he stood up and held his hand out toward the chair that sat directly in front of his desk. I took a seat without speaking. I wasn’t sure what I should say, so I chose to remain silent. He sat back down and adjusted in the chair, raising a hand and allowing the dull light to race along his gold wedding band. My eyes locked onto it as the ringing welled up in my ears. I tried my best to ignore it.
“Have you thought about your options?” he asked me and reality set in, jerking me back from the horrible static in my mind.
I looked down at my bruised wrist and ran my thumb along it. Pressing firmly and hissing.
My eyes lifted and I spoke as if I was removed from the situation. “I think I’ll take door number three.”
He leaned forward and placed his elbows on his desk. He intertwined his fingers and tapped them against his thin bottom lip. He thoughtfully mulled over my words before he spoke again.
“As I told you a few days ago, your chances are very slim if you decide to do nothing, Halo. I simply can’t advise that course of action. We should be proactive, aggressive…meet this head on.”
My laughter preempted my calm response. “Listen, I can’t imagine anything worse than going through surgery after surgery, suffering, as I probably would, only to end up losing my sight, my hearing, my ability to walk, speak, and think. Becoming a vegetable and living on machines is not how I want to go out.”
He responded with a tinge of desperation in his voice. “Those are worse case scenarios.”
“I appreciate your optimism, but I’m a nurse. I understand what’s going on.”
“Without treatment, your brain tumor will continue to grow, and you’ll eventually succumb to it.”
I bit my lip until it hurt. Finally, I released it and the truth that needed to be said. “Just say the word, die. I’m dying. It’s okay. I understand what it is and how this will end. Besides, this ties up some messy business for you, doesn’t it?”
“Halo, it isn’t like that, and you know it.”
“Regardless, it is what it is,” I murmured.
He leaned back and lowered his hands into his lap. “First your brother and now this. I promise you that I will do everything I can to help you if you’ll just let me. Please let me help you.”
“My mother.”
He paused, and the lines at the corners of his eyes deepened. “Your mother?”
I took a deep breath. “My mother died first, and my dad should have died soon after.”
“Oh, yes, such a sad situation.”
I let out some laughter, and he tilted his head. “It’s Shakespearian, my life that is.Very dramatic.” My voice cracked.
I studied his firm jawline and thin lips. He reminded me of one of my favorite actors, Mads Mikkelsen. He was just as handsome and fifteen years my senior. His salt and pepper hair sat perfectly groomed on top of his head. His nails were clean, his suit freshly pressed and his white coat wrinkle free. His office was spotless, almost clinical in nature. We were complete opposites, but you know what they say about attraction.
“Your surrender to this situation saddens me.”
I sighed. “Who says that I’m surrendering? Maybe I'm realistic when no one else can be.”
He reached up and rubbed his neck, leaving a small red blotch behind. “You know what I mean.”
“I know that what we had was a one night stand and nothing more. You don’t owe me anything, Dr. Trager.”
“Halo, call me Thomas, please.”
“Don’t,” I whispered.
He leaned forward. “Halo, I care…”
I didn’t allow him to continue. “I prefer calling you Dr. Trager, thank you,” I said without much emotion. The truth was, Thomas and I had a moment of weakness and nothing more.
I nodded to him as I stood up and had to hold onto the side of the chair. He noticed and began to rise. I held my hand up and shook my head. “Just dizzy, at least I know why, now.” I let out a bit of laughter. “And to think, I thought that I might be pregnant. Boy, I was wrong, huh? But then again, what a nightmare that would have been for you.”
“Halo.” He stepped around the side of his desk and reached out to me, gently placing one hand under my elbow and helping me stand until the dizziness passed. It only took a few seconds for it to end as if it never happened at all.
He leaned in, and I could smell his expensive cologne. “If you had been I would have happily…”
I cut him off. “Don’t lie. I’m a big girl; I understand everything.” My eyes wandered over the faces of his family. His wife was beautiful, with long blonde hair and rosy red cheeks. She was much older than I was and his daughter looked like she was about sixteen. They had started their family early, something I once dreamed about but would never have.
“I just wish that I could…” he spoke with compassion.
I looked at him and placed a hand on his cheek. “Please, don’t do this. Just act like nothing happened, it’s easier. Just forget me. Forget everything about me.”
He nodded, accepting the freedom I offered to him. “Here.” He placed a small white packet in my hand and closed my fingers over it.
“This will help you.” he muttered.
“What is it?” I asked.
“For the headaches. Take one every four hours, two if it becomes unbearable, and five or more…”
I stepped back from him, knowing that he was offering me a way out.
“You mean if I want to end this.”
“Halo, without treatment this situation...”
I held my hand up to him with a smirk. “Thanks, but I’d rather see this thing through with eyes wide open, and don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about us. I said you should forget me and I meant it.”
I walked away from him and realized that I still had the packet of pills in my hand. I looked at him and tried to smile. His shoulders were slumped. I slid the offering into my pocket and nodded to him. “Don’t worry about me. When it gets bad, I’ll leave. I won’t linger and put anyone at risk here in the hospital, especially you.”
“If you change your mind, which I hope you do, please reach out to me, Halo. I only want to help. There are treatments that we could try. Perhaps your brother’s lab…”
“Don’t mention him, please. I’m not going there. Besides, he’s gone. I know what I have, and I also know that it’s inoperable. At this point I just want to try to remember everything I can and check some things off my bucket list, ya know?”
“Like what?” he asked, and I smiled.
“Anything dangerous,” I said with a wink.
I stepped out the door and closed it behind me. I paused and leaned my back against the hard wood. I fingered at the pills in my pocket contemplating the inevitable.
“The more dangerous, the better,” I whispered to myself as I pushed away from the door.
* * *
I returned to the l
arge white desk after a short walk through the ICU. I could hear sobbing and the occasional buzzing of machines. I needed this reminder so that I wouldn’t seek help out of desperation. The truth was, I had months left, and I would rather live them knowing who I am than lying in a bed and being fed by machines.
No thank you.
Besides, I had no one. My brother was now gone. My mother…well, it had been years since we laid her to rest, and my dad, well, I hope he rots away in prison.
As for any extended family, there was none. My grandparents had died on both sides, and my parents were only children.
I stared down at the trash can and picked up the file, clutching it against my chest. Julia lingered for a few seconds. “So, I’m having a dinner party this Friday.” She said, apprehensively.
“What?” I asked, totally not focusing on her.
“A dinner party, at my house, this Friday. I’d love for you to come, Halo. I can invite David if you like. Maybe you two could, oh I don’t know, hang out, talk.”
“Dinner,” I muttered. Food didn’t even sound good, but oddly enough, her invitation did.
“Okay,” I said as I looked her square in the eye.
“Oh, I understand.”
I leaned forward. “Understand what?” I asked.
“You’re busy.” She spoke out of habit.
I grinned. “I said yes, Julia. I’ll come to your dinner party.”
“What?” she said as her face lit up.
I nodded. “I’ll come.”
“Oh my God, okay and I’ll invite him, David, I mean.” She pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled down the address on it. I could see that she was visibly shaken.
“Okay, yeah. I’d like that.” I said, knowing I shouldn’t.
She held it out to me, and I reached for it just as the alarm went off. I dropped my file on the desk, and it fell open with black and white photos of the tumor in my brain laying out for all the world to see. I rushed around the desk and had to skid to a stop when the double doors swung open, and a man rushed out with a scalpel pressed firmly against David’s throat. It was the same one who had been brought in on life support, so I was shocked to see him up and moving around like this.