by Baker, LJ
"Ironically enough, Hopewell." Jay pulled Mira against him and shivered.
Dan tossed some kindling into the fire to keep it from getting too low. "Oh I don't know about ironic. This place seems pretty great. You guys have done an amazing job with it."
Jay nodded and took a deep breath. "Yeah. We have, but it took us a lot to get here. We've lost a lot of really great people along the way. Things weren't always like this."
"Too many." Mira sighed. "But now maybe it's time to start rebuilding. Start thinking about the future. Move on." She looked up at Jay and they exchanged a look only they understood.
"I know we talked about it a little, but I think now with the whole group, it would be a good time to really discuss the idea of us staying." I looked over each of them, but focused on Dan just a moment longer. He was the one I wasn't sure about. We hadn't talked about where we'd go, and although Will thought he'd follow me anywhere, I wasn't quite so sure.
Mira sat up straight and nodded. "I agree and I firmly think you should stay. Of course, I'm being selfish, but it would be damn awesome to have more guys around for safety, as well as someone who I can bitch to about the guys."
Jay laughed and pulled her back against him. "Well I'm all for it. Dan's an excellent hunter. Will has a real knack for security. Did you see that trap he set up over on the north edge? It's brilliant. We'd be lucky to have you."
"I was all for going back to the base," Will started. "But so much has happened and I just feel like there's something else I'm meant to do. If we go back there, it will be like before. I'll work with the military and get sent out on missions, which I know Andi is against. If we stay here, we won't be as safe. That's just a fact." He took one of my hands into his and held it in his lap. "But I also think we'll be happier here. We can have a more normal life here. So I'm for staying."
Derek leaned back and stretched. "Well you all know I'm heading back to the base. My life is there. But I'd like the invitation to come back and check on everyone. And Andi, I know Hadley is going to wanna visit."
"You guys have to stay," Jenny said. "You can't go again."
Izzy nodded, still not a big talker except when she was alone with Jenny.
I looked at Dan. He was leaning back against a stack of old lobster traps, eyes glued to the fire.
"Dan?" I used the stick I was poking the fire with to tap his boot. "What do you think?"
He took a breath and looked up at no one in particular. "Well, I think we should go to the military base."
"What?" My mouth dropped open and I was at a loss for words.
"Why?" Will's eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed hard together.
Dan leaned his head to the sky and took a moment before answering. "It's great here. I'd love to stay. Hell I was happy back at the basement, or anywhere else I have you all to myself." He turned to look directly at me before continuing. "But that's me being a selfish jackass. You'll be safer at the base, so that's where we should be." He dropped his eyes down and turned back to the fire. "But I'll stay here if that's what you want."
I seriously never expected he would want to go to the base. I wasn't positive that he'd want to stay in Hopewell, but I certainly didn't expect that. I wasn't even sure what to say.
"Well on that note," Dan laughed. "I think I'll get some sleep." He stood and walked off.
I turned to Will and frowned. "I'll be back."
***
I followed Dan inside the physical therapy office where the make-shift bedrooms were set up.
"Wait the hell up, will you?" He seemed to be intentionally trying to get away from me.
He slowed, then stopped just before opening the door to the room he was staying in. "Yes?" He turned, raised an eyebrow, and waited for me to speak.
"I… I don't know." I didn't have a clue what to say, I just knew I didn't want him to leave the way he did.
"So you followed me out here and insisted I stop, but you don't actually know what you want?" He was unusually curt and I could tell, he didn't want to be there with me.
"I didn't want you to leave like that."
"Like what? I said how I felt and that was it. I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. You don't have to always read so much into everything, Andi."
"I wasn't. I just wanted to—"
"To what?" He leaned back hard against the wall and sighed. "Look, I'm tired and still feeling crappy, so why don't we talk tomorrow."
"Okay. Sure." I wasn't really sure what else to say. He was basically trying to get rid of me and I didn't have a compelling reason to stay. I turned to walk away and he slipped into his room.
After only a few steps down the hall, I was already rethinking my decision to give up so easily. There was something there between us, no matter how much we tried to ignore it. I loved Will and that wasn't going to change, but Dan also held a piece of my heart. Seeing him hurting made me hurt. I wanted to take it away, bring him peace, but I couldn't fix it.
I got to the end of the hall, ready to return to the group, when I stopped and went back to Dan's room. He opened the door just as I was about to knock and stared at me a moment before saying anything.
"Andi, I'm sorry. I was—"
I fell against him and laid my head on his chest.
Caught off guard, he held on to the door frame for a moment, before sliding his arms down around me. "Um, okay."
I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for the way things were, for all the times I didn't hide how much I cared about him even though it would be easier for him not to know that I loved him too. And I did love him. It would always be different than Will and we'd never be more than friends, but it didn't change the fact that those feelings existed.
"I'm sorry." Everything that happened over the past few days, bubbled to the surface and broke over in waves of sobs that made no rational sense in that moment.
"Hey now." Dan took my hand and walked me into the room. "Don't cry, love." He motioned for me to sit down on the edge of the bed and sat down beside me. "What's wrong?"
"I hate that I make you sad," I choked out between sobs and dropped my face into my hands.
He pried my hands from my face and pulled my chin so that I was facing him. "Sweetheart, you don't make me sad. Why would you even think that?"
I squeezed my eyes shut, pulled my chin away and buried my face into his chest. "Because it's true," I mumbled through the thick fabric of his sweatshirt.
"Oh come on love, stop hiding." He nudged my face back and smiled. "You're too pretty to hide."
I was covered in bruises, had stitches that would certainly leave scars, and had tears streaming down my cheeks. There was nothing pretty about me at that moment, but Dan didn't see any of that. He just saw me.
I took a breath and groaned. If I never broke another rib it would be too soon.
"Sweetheart, it isn't your fault that things are the way they are. It is what it is. I accept that you and Will are together. He makes you happy and that's what matters to me. Does it hurt sometimes knowing that you and I will never be together? Of course, but having you in my life as a friend is better than not having you at all. I'm a big boy. You don't have to feel guilty for this."
"But, I do."
"I know you do, love. But please don't."
I sniffled and wiped my tears on my sleeve. It wasn't enough to dry my face, but it would have to do. "So you want to stay here?"
"I didn't say that."
"So Will was right. You're just agreeing to whatever I want? He said you'd follow wherever I went. "
Dan smiled and pursed his lips. "Yeah, well he's right. I would follow you. You seem to be the only one who doesn't get that."
"Okay, now I'm really confused. So you really want to go?"
Dan smiled and took my hands into his. "You would be safer at the military base. No worrying about anything, or anyone, getting in while you're asleep. It's the place that's best for you to be. That's the right decision, the selfless one. But that doesn't mean it's what I want."
"What do you want?"
He dropped my hands and closed his eyes for a long moment. "I want to have my best friend with me. I don't want the structure and rules of the base to keep me from being around you. I… I guess I'm afraid that if we go there, it won't be the same. You won't have time for me." He turned away from me and closed his eyes.
"Of course I would. But I guess I can understand what you're saying. So you'd rather stay here then?"
He nodded.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
A couple weeks at our new home was all it took to settle in. Our injuries were just about healed, though we were all left with scars to remember our ordeal by. I tried to avoid mirrors whenever possible because the jagged line across my cheek only reminded me of what we went through and everything I'd lost.
I almost wanted to go back home, see the burnt ashes of what was left behind of my old life, but I knew that it was like peeling off a scab before it was ready. And I wasn't ready. Someday I'd go back, just to see, to close the book for good, but it wasn't time.
The weather grew colder by the day, bringing with it a crisp breeze which scattered the fallen leaves that crunched under each step and made it impossible to sneak around unnoticed. I worried each time Dan and Jay went out to hunt, though I kept it to myself. Will had hardly left my side since we arrived, unless I was with Dan or Mira. He had to have some of the same anxieties as me after what we'd been through, but he never brought them up.
Nights were filled with tossing and turning, nightmares, and long hours staring up at the ceiling. Will did his best to comfort me, but sleep eluded me night after night. The only thing that seemed to help was reading. At least then, when I fell asleep my dreams began with scenes from whatever fictional world I was absorbed in when my eyes closed.
Back at the basement, that wouldn't have been a problem. There were more books than I could have read in a lifetime. But those were gone, burned in the fire, and there were only maybe a couple dozen books in the whole town. Maybe I'd be able to convince Derek to bring some new ones the next time he came by.
Derek left the day after we arrived and we hadn't heard from him since, not that I'd expected to that soon. He said he'd be back in a couple weeks, so I figured we'd be seeing him before long. He'd probably bring Hadley with him and she always had something interesting to share. I really missed that strange girl. It was great to have Mira though. She was like a mother, big sister, and best friend all rolled into one. She was clearly in charge of things around the little community, even though she let Jay pretend to be the group's leader.
She hadn't been feeling well for a few days and I'd taken over the cooking so she could rest. I'd actually learned to cook a lot better and although I was never going to be the next great chef, the food was edible. Of course, that was as long as she kept watch and told me what to do, step by step.
"How's that coming over there?" Mira called over from the table. Jay insisted she stay off her feet and relax until she was feeling better.
"Eh, it's coming." It was burning on the outside, but not quite cooked inside, but I was going to make it right even if it killed me.
"You need me to help?" She sat up straight and craned her neck to see over the counter. "Are you burning it?"
"I've got this. Just chill."
Mira rolled her eyes and sat back in the chair. "I'm feeling a little better. You guys don't need to baby me."
"Oh shush. You do more than anyone around here. Just sit there and let people help you for a change. Shit. Hey these pea-looking things, are they supposed to split open?"
She shook her head and pushed herself from the chair to come help. "Is there anything you can cook?"
"Oatmeal."
"Maybe you should swap places with Dan. He's almost as good of a cook as me."
"Yeah, he can do amazing things with practically nothing. But he's on a hunt with Jay. That's not exactly my best skill either."
"What are you good for then?"
"Hey!" I nudged her with my elbow. "I can do stuff."
"That's debatable, but I guess you can—" Mira's eyes glazed over and she wobbled a bit on her feet. "Whoa."
"You okay?" I grabbed hold of her arm to keep her steady. "Mira?"
She shook it off and took a deep breath. "Yeah. Just a little dizzy for a sec. Probably from my stomach bug. I'll live."
I walked her back over to the table to make sure she didn't pass out.
"Hey, Mir?"
"Yeah?"
I looked over her and paused. "You're not, uh, pregnant, are you?"
"Of course not…" Her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open. I could tell she was counting to herself. "Shit. How long have you guys been here?"
"Two weeks yesterday."
"Oh my God. I could be pregnant." She lowered herself into the chair and stared ahead with a blank expression.
I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not, if she was pregnant. After losing her children to the outbreak, maybe it would be too painful to have more. Or maybe she wanted more, but was afraid of losing them too. I couldn't even imagine being pregnant at that time. Sure I wanted that someday, but in my head, it was after the world got to be a better place, at least somewhat.
I ran over to the stove to shut off the burners so I didn't completely destroy the meal, then sat down next to Mira while she let the pregnancy idea sink in.
"Maybe it's nothing. I mean, you're getting older, right? Cycles change and—"
"Andi, I'm not that old." She glared at me a moment, then dropped her head into her hands.
"I'm sorry. Well we need to get a test. You don't happen to have any do you?"
There was an old pharmacy in the part of town we called home, but most of its contents had been cleared out in the early days of the outbreak. Jay told us about the looters who came through the first week before his group secured the town. Maybe they had no need for pregnancy tests.
"It's possible. I'm not really sure what's left in there. One of the women who was here with us sorted a lot of it out and fixed what the looters did. I don't really go in there much. We've been very lucky in the health department." She knocked on the wood table a few times. "I've still got the same bottle of aspirin that I had when the outbreak started."
"Okay, well we should just check. No sense worrying about it for nothing." I got up to go check, but she grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving.
"Andi?"
"Yeah?"
Fear filled her eyes and she suddenly looked like a scared child, not at all in character for her.
"I don't know. I… What if I am?"
I gave her my best comforting smile and rubbed my hand over her shoulder. "Hey now, whatever happens, we'll deal with it. Let's just find you a test so we can know if there's even anything to worry about. You just relax and I'll go see what I can find."
She released my wrist and nodded.
***
The small pharmacy was on the far end of town, which really wasn't too far. It was a small town, well, the part we used was. The rest of Hopewell extended through some wooded area and across the interstate where the residential area was. For our purposes though, the town was about a quarter mile long, small enough to easily manage security, and big enough to have what we needed.
The cafe was where we ate and generally hung out. The physical therapy office was across the street, and was where we slept. There were some various stores, a pool hall, and the town square, where I liked to go when I needed some quiet time away to think, or just enjoy the last days of sunshine we had before we had to start worrying about snow and freezing cold.
I made my way past Jay's traps and slipped into the pharmacy. The shelves were nearly bare, but there were items here and there. I walked up and down the aisles and checked each box or package I found. There were plenty of adult diapers and personal lubricant. I guessed those weren't big looter items. I'd nearly given up hope when I found a section with a few boxes of pms pills and two pregnancy tests. I grabbed both bo
xes and the lone roll of Life Savers I found hidden behind some empty protein bar boxes, and hurried back to Mira.
When I walked back into the cafe, she shot me an alarmed look and shook her head behind Jay. He was going on about the hunt and not paying attention to her. I figured she didn't want him to see the pregnancy test just yet, so I slipped it into the pocket on my hoodie and slid into one of the chairs at the table.
"I thought you were helping out with cooking? Mira is supposed to be taking it easy." He shot me an annoyed look and went back to cleaning his most recent kill.
"Sorry, I had to take care of something."
"Yeah, Mira. You were supposed to be here taking care of her."
"Jay, I'm sorry. I was only gone a few minutes. I'll finish dinner when you're done there."
He raised an eyebrow and peered into the pot on the stove. "Yeah about that, maybe we should let Dan finish up."
I rolled my eyes and sighed, before looking over at Dan. He shrugged and tried to force a small smile. "Oh, whatever." I huffed and got up from the table. "Mira, why don't I walk over with you so you can take a nap. Didn't you say you were getting tired?"
She stood up slow, looking a bit dizzy again, and paused so she didn't get any attention. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."
Dan noticed something was up right away and shot me a confused look, but luckily didn't say anything. Jay continued on with the meat, as we hurried out of the cafe and over to the physical therapy office.
"Thanks. I don't want to say anything to Jay until I know one way or the other."
"Do you want more kids?"
Mira thought for a minute, then took a deep breath before answering. "I do. Losing my kids was the hardest thing I could even imagine. The idea of bringing more into this screwed up world only to risk losing them again… I don't know. It scares me."
I could understand that. I wasn't ready to start having kids, but when the time came, I'd probably have the same concerns. Not that I shouldn't have been considering the possibilities anyway. Accidents happen, clearly, and there was always a possibility that I could end up pregnant long before I was ready to be.