Hold Me

by Baker, LJ

  I handed Mira one of the pregnancy tests and she disappeared into the bathroom. I sat down on the floor outside the door to wait for news.

  "Does Jay want more kids?" I called through the thin door.

  After a minute of silence, she pulled the door open and joined me on the floor to wait. "Uh, we've never really talked about it. Jay has a really difficult time talking about the kids. I'm not sure he could survive losing another child. I seriously think it would break him. Permanently."

  She held the plastic stick out for me to take and clasped her hands over her eyes.

  "How long did it say to wait?"

  She shrugged. "I didn't even look. I'm too anxious. You check it."

  Nervous flutters invaded my stomach and my heart jumped wildly against my chest. I could only imagine how Mira felt if I was that nervous for her. Not sure how long the test needed, I held it firmly in my hand a few moments before peering down at it. I wasn't sure what the right result would be, but I hoped that whatever it was, it would work out for the best.

  "I can't take it, Andi! Just tell me what it says."Mira reached her hand down and gripped the bottom of my hoodie so tight that it pulled the neck down tight against my throat.

  There were two small wells with markings, the first had a minus sign and the other a plus.

  What the hell did that mean?

  "Um, okay, I think it's ready, but—"

  "Tell me!"

  "I, uh, don't really know what this means. I think it's confused."

  "Huh?" Mira opened her eyes and pulled the stick from me.

  "It's got a plus and minus, so maybe it didn't work or something."

  She dropped the stick to the floor and her face drained of color. "It worked."

  I picked up the stick and expected to see something different, but it still had the same two contradictory markings. "How do you know?"

  She sighed and leaned her head on my shoulder. "The first one is a control, kid. It's positive."

  ***

  I sat with Mira on the hall floor for a long time before she agreed to get up and actually go take a nap. I wasn't sure she would get any sleep, but it was cold on the floor and my leg was starting to cramp up from sitting there.

  Dan caught up with me just outside the physical therapy office and gave me a curious look. "You've been gone a long time. Mira get settled okay?"

  "Yeah we were just talking. You manage to salvage the dinner?"

  Dan shook his head and looked at the ground to hide his smile. "Andi, you really need to learn some cooking skills. How can you be that bad?"

  "I'm not that bad." I had to hold back my own smile, because I knew that I was.

  "Yeah you are." Dan and I both burst into laughter at the same time.

  "Okay, yeah I am." I pushed against him with my shoulder. "Maybe I just need more experience."

  Dan opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again and smiled.

  "What?"

  "Nope. I'm going to just stay quiet."

  We walked over to the middle of the town square. There was an old flagpole and a giant rock that held a plaque with names of townspeople who died in some forgotten battle. I climbed up on the rock to sit like many before me probably had.

  "What was going on back in the cafe?" Dan settled against the rock with his back to me.

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Come on now, love. I know when you are acting weird. Something was going on with you and Mira, then you both disappeared for like an hour. Spill it."

  "I can't."

  He turned to look at me with narrowed eyes. "What do you mean, you can't?"

  Dan was the easiest person to talk to that I'd ever met. We often shared anything and everything during our several hour long talks, learning things about each other that no one else knew. But this wasn't mine to share.

  "Exactly what I said. It's just girl stuff. I'm sure you will find out at some point."

  He looked over me and thought for a moment. "Is it something I need to know?"

  "I promise, it has nothing to do with either of us. Hey where's Will? I haven't seen him in hours."

  "Right now he's with Jay. And don't think I didn't notice that you changed the subject on purpose."

  "I should probably go find him."

  I hopped off the rock and Dan grabbed my wrist. "Andi?"

  "Yeah?"

  "You know you can still talk to me, right?" His eyes were sad, scared almost.

  I smiled and reached up to stroke his cheek. "Of course I do. You'll always be my best friend, dork."

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Mira slept, or at least stayed in her room, for the rest of the day. Jay took a plate of food to her after we finished dinner and it was the last we saw of him too. My guess was, she was telling him the news. They emerged for the evening fire ritual looking like their usual love-bird selves, hand in hand. I shot her a questioning look and she smiled, so I assumed he knew, but I wasn't going to say anything until she confirmed it.

  We gathered around the fire behind the cafe, bundled up for the cold, and discussed the day. I took my usual spot with Will and leaned back against his warm chest. I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him and I wanted to soak in every bit of him I could.

  Will and Jay gave everyone the details of the new traps and stressed to the two girls how important it was to make sure they paid close attention so no one got hurt. We also found out that there was probably some outsiders nearby. While Jay and Dan were out hunting they noticed some tracks and a couple traps were set off. The traps were nothing unusual, animals managed to get into them all the time, but this time was different. They found a shred of denim in one with some blood. It wasn't enough to do much damage, more of a warning to keep out, but it let us know humans had been by.

  The guys didn't seem overly concerned with it, but something in the pit of my stomach told me it might not be so harmless. Ever since those three psychos invaded the basement, I haven't felt like anything or anywhere, was safe. It was probably a better way to view the world anyway. My basement was this magical, untouchable place that was safe from the rest of the world. No matter how bad it was on the outside, inside nothing could hurt me. Or at least that was how I looked at it back then.

  While the group went on about an old story about a guy who used to live with them, I looked up at Will and whispered. "You sure that's not something we should be worried about?"

  "I hope not. I think Jay just doesn't want to worry everyone, but he actually seemed more concerned about it when he told me earlier. He wants to set up an extra level of security around the perimeter, so he's not taking it lightly. Just be careful, okay?" He waited for me to nod, then flashed me a small smile.

  Mira sat in between Jay's legs and he wrapped his arms around her. They usually sat close, touching in some way, but that night they were different. Even Jenny was giving them funny looks.

  "What's up with you two tonight?" Jenny asked and passed around a jar filled with homemade marshmallows to roast in the fire. "You're being extra gross."

  Jay laughed and kissed the top of Mira's head. She looked up at him and smiled, her face filled with love. No longer in a state of panic, a calmness flowed over her and I couldn't help but smile for them.

  "So I guess we have some news that we should share." Mira sat up a little straighter and beamed at the group. She had everyone's attention, but she paused a moment, as if she were savoring the news a little longer before she shared it with the world. "You guys know I haven't been feeling well all week. I thought it was just a stomach bug or something, but after talking with Andi today, well…"

  "Oh my God. You're pregnant!" Jenny squealed and jumped up from her seat to smother Mira with a hug. Precious jumped up and barked to join in the excitement.

  Dan nudged my arm with his elbow and whispered, "This is what you couldn't tell me?"

  I nodded.

  Jay slid his hands down over her belly and smiled. "It was certainly a surprise, but I can't deny t
hat it was one of the best surprises I've ever gotten."

  Mira's smile faded and she leaned her head back against Jay. "I was pretty much in a panic at first, but after Jay and I spoke, I'm feeling a lot better about it." She looked at me and a small smile returned to her lips. "Thanks for being there with me today, Andi."

  "Of course. I'm really happy for you guys."

  Mira and Jay had been through a lot. So much more than me. I lost my parents and my friends, but they lost all that and their children. There was no comparison. I couldn't begin to understand their pain, yet they were able to build a new life, a life where they were happy. And even after all they'd been through, they were going to risk that pain all over again and bring another child into the world.

  ***

  "So we're gonna have a baby around here, huh?" Will tossed the pillows on the bed and grabbed the blanket. My tossing and turning made our bed look like a tornado came through and it needed to be completely made back up each night. Because of course, we were too lazy to do it in the morning.

  "Yeah. I mean, they didn't plan it, but ya know, it happens." I glanced over at the small night stand that housed our dwindling supply of condoms and thought about asking Dan for some of his.

  Now that was going to be awkward.

  "It's not gonna be easy. To take care of a baby in this world. I mean, I guess they don't really have any choice, since it's too late now." Will pulled his sweatshirt over his head and tossed it onto the chair.

  "Yeah, but it's never easy. We still need to live our lives and try to be normal."

  "I guess." He hopped into bed and patted the mattress for me to join him."

  "Don't you want to have kids?"

  His attitude was starting to worry me.

  He tilted his head and raised both eyebrows. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

  "Don't be ridiculous. I'm not pregnant, but I do want kids someday. You don't?"I slipped into the bed beside him, but kept a little distance between us.

  He didn't answer right away and his silence concerned me.

  "I haven't really given it much thought. In a perfect world, we would get married, buy a house in the suburbs, and have a couple of kids. We'd both have great careers, but still have plenty of time for the kids. Hell I'd probably coach their little league team and you'd be class mom." He turned onto his side and propped himself on his elbow to look at me. "But babe, this isn't a perfect world. We are fighting for our lives here. Being pregnant would make you weaker, put you at risk. I can't lose you."

  "So, you're saying you don't want kids?"

  "I'm saying it's not that simple. Of course I want kids. There's nothing more in this world I'd want than to create something that was part of us both, except having you by my side. Thinking about losing you keeps me awake at night. It hides just below the surface every minute I'm not with you. If something happened to you, it would break me." He reached out and ran a finger over my lips. "Loving you is what keeps me breathing."

  The combination of his words with the way he smiled at me, melted my heart and sent a warm shiver up my spine. I understood what he was saying because I felt the very same way. I'd almost lost him, more than once, and there was nothing that mattered more than having him alive and by my side. I'd give up anything for him. But that didn't mean I needed to.

  "Will, I want to have kids someday. I want to stop fighting for our lives and start living them. For so long I thought I couldn't have that. But I know that's not true anymore. Look at Jay and Mira. They're making a life here and now they are rebuilding their family. I know we can have that too." I snuggled up close to him and rested my ear against his chest. The sound of his heartbeat gave me hope, something that before I met him, I thought I'd lost for good.

  He ran his hand over the back of my neck, sending a shiver over my skin along the path. "If you believe that, then I know we can make it happen. Now take off that ridiculous hoodie and get over here."

  "But it's freezing in here," I groaned.

  One side of his mouth curved up into a devilish smile. "Don't worry, I'll keep you warm."

  ***

  My mother stood in the middle of our kitchen wearing her apron, flour smeared across her face. She was baking her famous chocolate chip cookies, warm and gooey right out of the oven, the perfect blend of crispiness on the edges with a soft middle. One bite had you groaning in pleasure and ready to promise her your first born for even a single bite more. The woman was kind of a baking genius, a trait I clearly did not inherit.

  As she stood there, cookie scoop in one hand, oven mitt covering the other, she was shaking her head at me. I wanted to run to her, throw my arms around her and tell her how much I'd missed her, but she just continued to shake her head as if warning me not to come any closer.

  "Mom, what's wrong?"

  She didn't answer.

  I took a few steps closer. Her face drained of color and she dropped the scoop. She was staring at something behind me, so I turned to look, but it was just the empty room. When I turned back, John was behind her, knife held against her throat, smiling. I stopped, frozen in my tracks, with no clue what to do next.

  I tried to speak, to tell him not to hurt her, but my lips went numb and refused to move. His smile widened as he pressed the blade into her flesh and blood trickled down her neck. My mother's eyes were wide and filled with tears. I slid my hand down to feel for my gun, knife, something, but I had no weapons on me. Something needed to be done, or he was going to kill her.

  I forced my feet to take another step closer, but he held up one finger and waved it back and forth to stop me. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I thought for sure it would break free. He pressed the knife further and my mother's eyes fluttered closed. She opened her mouth to speak, but all she managed was my name.

  In an instant, he slid the sharp steel across her throat and she slumped forward in his arms. Her last breath gurgled up through the opening in her neck and he dropped her into a heap on the kitchen floor. I wanted to jump over the counter and choke the life from him, but I was still unable to move. Helpless, I stood there as he laughed at me and licked the blood off the knife before sticking it in the sheath on his belt.

  I turned my attention to the table in the corner to notice Dan and Will tied with thick ropes to chairs. John was looking from me to them and plotting out his next move.

  "Now that Mommy's out of the way, I think we need to decide what to do with your boyfriends here." He walked over to the guys and ran his hand over the top of Dan's head. "I had so much fun with this one last time, I think that I should probably give the other one some attention. Don't you, duckling? You wouldn't want him to be left out, now would you?"

  He took a few steps toward Will, while looking at me the whole time. I was glued to the spot, unable to move, my mouth clamped shut by some invisible force. He killed my mother while I watched and he was about to do the same to Will, yet I was powerless to stop it. The only part of me that seemed to be working was my heart as it beat wildly around in my chest, and my lungs that expanded and deflated at an alarming rate.

  I tried to move my lips, to speak Will's name, tell him I loved him, but they betrayed me and remained silent. Will glared at me in accusation. He had every right to do so. I was the one free, standing there, yet doing nothing to help.

  John ran his fingers over Will's chin and lifted it up to extend his neck. "Should I slit his throat like I did to your mommy, duckling?" He slid the side of the knife across his throat, light reflected through the window onto the knife and sparkled back at me. For one brief second, my vocal cords sprung to life and I screamed out.

  "No!"

  "No? Oh, well maybe you'd prefer if I stabbed him in the heart then?" He ripped open the front of Will's shirt and positioned the point of the blade against Will's skin. "No objections now?"

  I tried to scream out again, but no sound would come.

  Will narrowed his eyes and glared at me. "This is your fault, Andi."

 
I felt hands on my shoulders, shaking me, pulling me. All of a sudden, I was no longer frozen and I fought with all my strength.

  "Andi, stop. It's me."

  "No!" I struggled, kicked, yelled. I couldn't let Will die.

  "Hey, calm down. You're having a bad dream. Wake up."

  The voice was Will. Suddenly, he was above me. We were no longer in my old kitchen, but in our room in Hopewell. His face was no longer blaming, but worried.

  "You were about to be… I was… I couldn't…I tried to—"

  Will scooped me into his arms and stroked my hair to sooth me. "Shhh. It's okay. It was just a dream. We're both safe now."

  "Are you sure?" I struggled against him to see around the room. It was morning and the light from the window filled the room.

  "I'm sure. See? Just us."

  I leaned back against him and took a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry."

  He kissed the top of my head and smiled down at me. "For what?"

  For not saving you in my dream.

  I looked up into his emerald eyes, so full of love, and I knew he'd never blame me that way. But there was so much guilt inside me. Guilt for the people I'd gotten hurt or killed, like my mother, my friends, Janet. I liked to think I wasn't weak, that I could take care of myself, but I knew it wasn't true. Even though I'd learned so much and gotten stronger through training, I was still a liability, and I didn't want to be the cause of Will's death.

  Will's face softened and he pulled me up onto his lap. With his arms around me, I felt safe. The details of the dream faded and my heartbeat slowed to a more normal pace. We were safe for the moment. But maybe Dan was right. Maybe we should have gone back to the military base where at least I wouldn't have to worry about being the reason anyone else got killed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  Throughout breakfast, Jenny went on about the new baby nearly nonstop. She bubbled over with excitement as she tried to decide if she was going to be an aunt or a big sister. Mira shared some of her enthusiasm, but was a little more restrained and cautious. I couldn't blame her. It was a scary thought to be bringing another life into the mix, who would be completely helpless and dependent. But to be pregnant and vulnerable for nine months, knowing that she wouldn't be able to protect herself as well, had to be on her mind, especially with how sick the pregnancy was making her.