by Baker, LJ
He shrugged and reached out for me with his free hand. "Yeah. Just a little bit." He coughed again and blood spilled over through the rag, onto the barn floor.
"Oh my God. This is my fault. I'm so sorry." Tears streamed down my face and I leaned down against him, covering the bloody mess with my body.
"Don't be daft, love. You weren't the one who shot me." He tried to laugh, but it took more energy than he had.
I lifted my head to look at him. "It is though. I might as well have shot you myself!"
He lifted his hand off the rag and took my other hand. "Don't you dare feel guilty about this. What you did probably saved the whole group. This was not your fault, love."
I pressed my lips together to stop them from quivering, but it was no use. There was so much blood and I knew it had to be bad.
Dan closed his eyes and his breathing slowed. "I'm so sorry."
"What? Why? It's all my—"
He held two bloody fingers up to my lips to quiet me. "I don't want to leave you."
"You can't. You promised me you wouldn't." I grabbed the towel and pressed it back against him to stop the bleeding, but I knew it wasn't going to help. "No. Please," I begged, as if it would miraculously make him better.
His hand loosened from mine and slipped free. I grabbed it back, but he no longer had the strength to hold it back.
He opened his eyes again, smiled and whispered. "I love you."
He coughed once more, then took a few short breaths. Then silence.
I looked up at Will, wanting him to tell me it wasn't what I thought. That Dan was going to open his eyes, take another breath, anything but what it was.
Will bend down and put his arm around my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Andi." Tears filled his eyes and he tried to hold them back.
"No." I shook my head. Dan couldn't be dead. He promised me.
I pulled free from Will and threw myself over Dan's still body. I lost everyone, my family, my friends, Janet. I couldn't lose Dan too. It couldn't be real. I listened for a heartbeat against his blood-soaked shirt, but all I heard was my own, slamming wildly against my chest. The room spun around me and everything crashed in.
Dan was dead.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
I didn't even remember leaving the barn or how I got back to my room, but that was where I found myself, alone in the dark. I was probably asleep, but I wasn't even sure. My eyes were swollen and sore from crying and there was a pain deep in my chest that hurt so much more than any broken ribs ever could. I wanted to hope for just one short second that when I opened my eyes, it was all a bad dream, but the stabbing pain in my heart refused to allow it.
I didn't even bother with the light, as I rolled off the bed and felt around for my boots.
The boots Dan found for me.
I made my way out of the room and across to the cafe where a flickering light shown through the window. Will, Jay and Mira were sitting at the table, the room fell silent when I walked in and took the seat next to Will.
"How you feeling, hon?" Jay asked, pity evident on his face.
I took a breath and expanded my aching lungs with oxygen that I wasn't even sure I wanted. I wanted to have an answer for him, but the truth was, there weren't any words to describe what I was feeling and each person in the room knew exactly how that was, so I just nodded. I didn't know what for. It meant nothing. It wasn't like a simple nod could describe the hole I felt in my heart that could never be replaced. I'd cried and screamed into Will's chest earlier until my throat was sore and my head throbbed so bad it felt like my brain would seep out of my ears. It didn't help.
Will scooted his chair closer and looped his arm through mine. "We're going to have a little service for him when you're ready."
What he really meant was that we were going to lay him out on top of a bed of brush and sticks and set him on fire. Dan made it clear that he wanted to be cremated, to be cleansed in fire, as he put it. The thought of it sent a stabbing pain through my belly and brought with it an intense nausea that forced me to clamp my hand over my mouth and clear my head of the thought. It was what he wanted, so I had to suck it up and deal, but it was so permanent, so real. And I didn't want it to be real.
Mira reached across the table and took my hand into hers. "Andi, you and Jenny saved all our lives, mine and the baby's especially. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but what you did meant something."
I nodded again and pressed my lips tight together to stop myself from saying something I'd regret. I was glad Mira was okay, and Jay and the others, but I was always going to think that maybe if I hadn't done it, Dan might still be alive. And if I could go back and do it again, I'd pick Dan over every single one of them, except maybe for Will.
"Babe, if you're not up for this—"
"No, I am." I stood, a sudden rush to get it over with spread through me and I knew If we didn't do it then, I wouldn't be able to do it, ever. "Where is he?" I glanced around the table. Not one of them had moved and were all staring at me.
Again with the pity.
"Well?" I raised my voice, even though I tried to remain calm. I knew they thought I wasn't ready, but how do you ever be ready for such a thing?
Will stood and slipped his hand into mine. "I'll take you."
He led me outside to an area near the middle of town. It was next to the giant rock that I'd sat on while I talked with Dan. He was always easy to talk to, always the one I could go to no matter what and know he wouldn't judge me. But he was gone. My best friend was gone.
Will stopped a few feet from the make-shift funeral pyre and released my hand. "If you want to take a few minutes to say goodbye… I mean, if you—"
"Yeah, I get it." The six or so feet to where he was, seemed like the longest six feet in history. It was like one of those dreams where you are running down a hall, but the hall just keeps getting longer and you never actually get to the end. When I finally made it to him, my legs went numb and trembled, threatening to give out. I tensed every muscle in my body, and willed them to hold.
He looked peaceful, but pale. Someone had taken the time to wash him up and put him in a clean shirt. It was a black thermal knit that always looked great on him and for a brief moment, I smiled, knowing he would approve.
His hands were folded across his chest, as was typical when preparing a body for its final rest. I thought about what Dan would say to me if he were there, standing beside me, rather than laid out before me. He wouldn't tell me not to be sad, as people typically do. Dan wasn't that kind of person. He probably would have draped his arm over my shoulder and let me feel whatever it was I needed to feel. And when I was ready, he would tell me he was sorry, or say wished he could take the pain for me. He'd call me sweetheart, or love, and his amazing Irish accent would make me smile, even when all I wanted to do was cry.
I slid my hand up and placed it over his. They were rigid and cold, but all I wanted was to feel them around me, warm and comforting. Something I'd never again get to feel. I leaned down and kissed his lips for the last time ever and tried to swallow the lump lodged in the back of my throat.
Will came forward and slipped his hand across my back and I could hear the others making their way over.
"Babe, are you ready?" Will's voice cracked, as he tried not to cry. I knew he was trying to be strong for me, because I was definitely not strong at that moment.
I didn't think I'd ever be ready for what was about to happen, but again, I nodded. Will took my hand and led me back a bit while Jay tossed some gas over the pyre and Dan. I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to see my best friend doused in accelerant. The smell alone was enough to turn my stomach and I knew every time I smelled that same smell from then on, I'd think of that day.
Mira stepped forward and took the hand Will wasn't holding. "Should we say something?"
I remembered when my aunt died a couple years before the outbreak. My mother got up in front of everyone and told some stories about when she was little. Mom cried, and the entire
place followed suit. My aunt was a nasty bitch who had about sixty cats, but everyone talked about what a great woman she was. None of it made any sense to me.
I shook my head and pulled my hand from hers. I had to fight the urge to turn and run. The longer I stood there, the harder it became. "Can we please just do this?" I meant it to come out strong, confident, but my vocal cords betrayed me and squeaked it out just above a whisper.
"Of course." Jay stepped forward and lit a match, touched it to the book engulfing it, and tossed it into the pile.
I expected the whole thing to light up in a swoosh of smoke and fire, but it was like nothing I expected. It took a few minutes for the smoke to thicken and rise up in a black cloud that I'd hoped wouldn't draw more attention to us. I didn't have it in me to fight anymore that day. Once the flames really took hold, the process went a lot faster, spreading from one end of the log bed to the other.
Will stood behind me with his arms clasped across my stomach and kissed my head every so often. All I really wanted in that moment, besides to have Dan alive again, was to be alone. I wanted them all to leave me there, to let me watch the fire burn until it went out on its own, no matter how long it took.
It was as if Mira could read my mind. She and Jay stepped toward me and waited for me to turn from the fire to look at them. "Andi, is there anything we can do?"
I shook my head, still not trusting my voice to work the way I wanted it to.
"Okay then, we are going to head inside. Please let us know if there's anything you need, any time." She leaned in and kissed my cheek, the stepped aside so Jay could do the same.
Jay's face was bathed in guilt. We exchanged a knowing glance that said the choice I made saved Mira and left Dan in a burning heap, gone forever. He was grateful for what I'd done, but I wasn't quite ready to not feel regret about that decision.
Jenny and Izzy came forward and gave me a hug, one at a time, then ran off ahead of Jay and Mira. Will and I were left alone with the giant flaming remainder of what was our closest friend.
"It will take awhile for it to finish. If you want to go inside, I can stay here."
I took a breath and hoped my voice would come out the way I intended. "Actually, I'd rather you went inside and let me stay."
Will gave me a puzzled look, but nodded anyway. He slipped his gun from the waistband of his jeans, and handed it to me. "Hold on to this. Just in case." He kissed the top of my head and left me there alone to watch over the fire.
I doubted he would go far and leave me completely on my own, but for the most part, I was grateful to be alone. I climbed up onto the huge rock and leaned back against the cold flagpole. The last time I was there was with Dan. He wanted to know what was up with me when I'd been hiding the pregnancy test for Mira. He told me I could always talk to him and I said he'd always be my best friend, but he was gone. I wouldn't be able to talk to him ever again, not really anyway.
All I'd wanted was a normal life. Whatever that even was those days. Dan said I could have all the things I thought I'd have before the outbreak, a career, marriage, kids, everything. In that moment, I would have settled for a quiet life with Will and Dan. Nothing more would be necessary to make me happy and complete my life. But I couldn't have that.
The fire crackled and lit up the square, tossing off bits of flaming ash and debris. The flames warmed me in the cool late autumn air and I let my mind drift off to memories of Dan. He would have wanted me to think about happy memories, to smile at the thought of him, and forget the pain. He'd loved me. It was never a secret, and I'd loved him back. The last thing he would have wanted was to see me hurt.
I couldn't help that though. Losing him was hard. The pain was worse than a knife piercing into my chest and it left my heart with an ache that I was sure would never leave. But for Dan, I would try. I would make the best of our screwed up world and try to have the best life I could. I'd carry him forever with me, however long, or short, forever was. I would live life for us both.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
By the time the fire finally burned itself out, our little town was quiet and everyone was long asleep. Fear of what new nightmares might await me, kept me from joining them and without the fire to keep me warm, I needed to go inside. Will was asleep in a chair in the cafe where he could see me from the window, with his feet propped up on the table. Mira would have smacked him in the head if she'd seen that.
I knew I should wake him and bring him back to our room, but I wasn't ready for company. I just needed more time alone with my thoughts. I snuck around him, grabbed a small jar off the shelf near the stove and headed back outside.
I would have rather buried Dan, to have a place to go back to, to visit, but it wasn't what he wanted. We had a whole conversation about it one night around the fire with the group. Dan and Jay were both insistent on cremation. I tried to avoid the whole topic, because it was the last thing I wanted to think about. Talking about what happened to us after we were dead, meant that we could die, and there were already too many dead. And Dan made one more.
Back at the smoldering fire, I scooped a little of the hot ash into the jar and closed the lid tight. I wasn't sure what would happen to the rest of him, if they would wait for the rain to wash the remains away or if one of the guys would do something about it. Either way, I felt like I needed to save a small bit of him. For what, I had no clue, but I knew I needed it.
I made my way over to our sleeping quarters, though I had no intention of sleeping. Dan made his room on the far end, probably to avoid hearing me and Will at night, and I slipped into his room. I felt around in the dark for the lantern he kept next to the bed and flipped it on. White LED light bathed the room and called attention to the stark emptiness of the surroundings that matched what I felt inside.
His backpack sat on the floor next to a chair draped with empty clothes. I pulled his favorite hoodie off the top of the pile and slipped it over my head. The musky scent of body wash and something that was uniquely Dan, came up through my nose and spread over me like a warm blanket on a cold day. It was comforting, yet brought tears to my eyes at the same time. Over time his scent would fade and my memory would struggle to remember how it was he smelled, or sounded, or looked. For that moment, I wanted to remember, to get lost in it, and forget anything bad had ever happened.
I pulled the long zipper of his pack open and peered inside. He was like a girl with her purse with that thing and I was always curious what he kept in there. I rifled through the usual items, packaged food, tools, weapons, a water purifier, and other miscellaneous survival necessities. Under the things I expected to find, along with a few pieces of clothing, he had his journal and a plastic bag with some photos. I pulled the last two items out and sat down on his bed.
I pulled the slider across the top of the bag and slipped the stack of photos out. The first few were of people I didn't recognize with a younger version of Dan, probably his family, and a beautiful golden retriever. The next was of Dan, looking much the way he had recently, sitting on top of a black 1967 Impala, which I only knew because it said so on the back. What was it with boys and cars anyway? There were a few more of people I didn't know, then about six that I recognized clearly.
The last bunch of photos were of me. They were from various albums around the basement, except for one. The last photo on the bunch was one we took using the camera timer, on my birthday. It was me, Dan, Will, and Janet, all smiling together. How he managed to get that printed was beyond me. I had a memory card full of photos I would have liked to print if I'd known he found a working printer.
I ran my finger over the faces, from what seemed like an eternity ago. That day had started off so awful. I thought I'd lost Will forever, but in the end it worked out. I shoved my hand under the hoodie and pulled out the necklace Dan gave me for a birthday gift that day. It was my name on a pendant that we found on my old boyfriend Zach's body. Dan had taken it and put it on a chain for me. I hadn't taken it off since and I knew I never would. I'd ad
ded Janet's locket to the chain after Hadley had given it to me.
I stacked the photos up and slipped them back into the plastic bag and opened Dan's journal. The worn leather cover told a story all it's own and I almost didn't want to see what was hidden on the pages within. Stashed throughout were small photos, gum wrappers, and other mementos from stories I would never get to hear unless he'd written them into the book.
I flipped through the pages until I came across one marked with a small photo of me. It was my senior high school picture and he'd snatched it from my stuff when I'd first met him. The entry was more recent, with smeared ink as if it had gotten wet in a few spots. I pulled the lantern closer and glanced through the text.
I can't believe I'm such an idiot. Why do I behave that way? It's just so hard sometimes to see her with him, knowing I can never have what he does. She loves him. I know it, yet still, I can't get her out of my head. When I'm alone with her, I want to scoop her into my arms and kiss her like her life depends on it. Part of me thinks that if I did, she would open her beautiful blue eyes and stare up at me, and in that moment, she would know. It would be me she loved. Me she wanted. Me she called out for when she had nightmares. But I'm an idiot, as she likes to call me so often. Just a daft Irish boy, who wants another guy's girl.
I shut the book and clenched it to my chest. Dan's thoughts played out in my head like a recording and I felt the pain he experienced when he wrote that entry. As much as I loved Will, at that moment, I wanted to go back in time and give him that chance to kiss me, to change my mind, to know that I loved him back. A few stray tears fell down my cheeks and landed on the journal. If he were there, Dan would have wiped them away with his thumb and made a joke about waiting for a madman in a blue box to take me back in time.
I pushed back on the bed and climbed under the blanket. The pillow was nearly flat from use, but smelled of Dan's shampoo, which brought a warm calm over me and reminded my body of its need for sleep. I closed my eyes and hoped for a dreamless sleep for once. It wasn't even the nightmares I was worried about that time. It was the memories.