by Tamar Myers
‘But sir,’ Sebastian said, his lower lip quivering, although his upper lip did remain rather smooth and stationary. ‘I meant no harm; truly I didn’t.’
‘We shall see,’ Toy said. ‘In the meantime, the rest of you – with the exception of the Grimsley-Snodgrasses, Magdalena and family – ah, yes, and Agnes; the rest of you go home and don’t repeat a word of what you heard here. Otherwise you might be charged with hindering an ongoing investigation. Now, get going. All of you. Out of here.’
‘Harrumph,’ said Daphne Diffledorf, and with such force that even her third chin wobbled like an undercooked soufflé. ‘I don’t think that “hindering an ongoing investigation” is even a charge.’ Nonetheless, as directed, she obediently shuffled back to the parking lot along with the rest of her husband’s hapless flock. Since Daphne is so contrary that she would give me the shirt off her back – but only if I told her that I didn’t want it – I knew in my bones that she was certainly up to something no good.
TWENTY-THREE
With the madding, and very maddening, crowd gone, Toy surveyed the surrounding destruction thoroughly before climbing up on the tractor. In my eyes, at least, the extra height added to the young man’s authority.
‘Rudy is going to be really pissed off when he sees this,’ he said.
‘I’ll thank you not to swear in my presence, Toy,’ I said. ‘Just because one has authority it does not give him the right to be crude.’
‘I dare say,’ the earl dared to say, ‘I would hardly count that as swearing.’
‘My mom says that folks should mind their own business,’ Alison said.
Toy winked at my daughter, which made her blush. ‘Getting back to business,’ he said, ‘since these foreigners were your guests, and their lies, however well-intentioned, were the root of all this’ – Toy clutched the tractor seat with his muscular thighs as he stood to wave his arms – ‘you will, of course, compensate Rudy for his loss.’
‘Hold your horses, young man!’ I said, perhaps a mite too belligerently for a good Christian, especially on a Sunday.
‘I think that it is quite fair,’ said the Babester with a chuckle.
‘Oh, you do, do you?’ I said. ‘That means that there’ll be less for you to inherit.’
‘Who says you’re going to die first?’ he said.
‘I’m definitely going first if my blood pressure gets any higher,’ I said.
‘Waa!’ Alison sobbed and flung herself into the ample arms of my best buddy, her ‘Aunt’ Agnes. ‘I’m going to be an orphan,’ she cried. ‘A real one this time.’
Agnes glared at me. ‘Stop being a cheapskate, Mags, and pony-up for the damages. You are traumatizing your poor daughter for, what to you, amounts to a widow’s mite.’
From beneath the fleshy folds of Agnes’s arms I saw Alison winking at Toy. Even now, on the brink of womanhood, that girl is already a master manipulator. Someday she is going places; I’m just afraid that none of them are going to be Pennsylvanian addresses.
I sighed so hard that I practically exhaled my ability to hyperbolize. ‘OK, OK,’ I said in a breathy voice. ‘Far be it from me to cause my beloved child any more emotional trauma. Now permit me the luxury of thinking aloud. Poor Rudy is much disliked in this community, so what if I turn my entire estate over to him? We could go live in some cold, barren room at the convent, eat only vegan meals – that wouldn’t be so bad. No TV, no radio, no books, no allowances to pay – that would be very freeing.’
Suddenly Alison was back in the long, bony arms of the master manipulator. ‘Ya wouldn’t really do that, would ya, Mom?’
‘Grandma Ida,’ I whispered.
‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘no way you could live there.’
‘I heard that,’ Gabe said. Believe me, if someone in Kuala Lumpur were to whisper his mama’s name, his ears would swivel in that direction.
‘Actually, Magdalena is on the right track,’ Toy said. ‘You are all going to be quartered at the Convent of the Sisters of Perpetual Apathy for the foreseeable future; the PennDutch Inn is now an official crime site.’
The earl sputtered like a diesel engine with sugar poured into its tank, while Gabe the Babester looked like a man torn between two lovers and feeling like a tool.
‘What about me?’ Agnes said. ‘Do I get to stay at the Convent of the Sisters of Perpetual Apathy? I mean, I really don’t care if I do, but then again it would be nice.’ I’ve known Agnes since we shared a bathtub when we were babies; it was gin clear that my newly widowed friend was dying for company, even if that meant being quartered with the miserable apostates.
‘Yes, yes,’ I said with hyper-enthusiasm. ‘Hie thee to a nunnery. Ha, ha.’
‘I believe she is speaking the Pennsylvania Dutch language,’ the earl said to his children. ‘It really isn’t Dutch, but an old form of Swiss-German.’
‘My,’ I said, ‘you are surprisingly well-informed, for a foreigner.’
‘Was that kind?’ Agnes said. ‘This man is our guest.’
I hung my horsey head in shame. ‘Please accept my apology, Your Lordship. It’s just that most folks don’t read through the brochures that I send them through the mail.’
His Lordship jumped back as if I were about to touch him with my coarse, peasant hands. His noble noggin wobbled on his spindly inbred neck – not that I’m judging, mind you – and he was hard-pressed to keep the monocle in place.
‘We’re not “most folks,” I’ll have you know. I’m the Twelfth Earl of Grimsley-Snodgrass. My ancestor was given his titles by King Henry the VIII. In fact, I have more royal English blood than—’
‘Stuff and nonsense,’ Alison said in what I thought was a ding-dang good imitation of Lady Celia’s accent.
Of course everyone was stunned, and truly none were more horrified than Alison’s father. ‘She didn’t mean that,’ the Babester blurted out before bedlam could erupt.
‘I did so mean it,’ Alison said stoutly. ‘We don’t get to choose our ancestors so we shouldn’t get credit for who they were. And anyway, we read about this Henry guy in school, and he was a really mean man. He kept getting rid of his wives, and all because they couldn’t give him a son. He’d have their heads lopped off, like they was chickens or turkeys. Then he’d go and marry him another one.’
The Earl of Grimsley-Snodgrass grasped hold of his monocle tightly and leaned in to inspect Alison as if she might have been a polo pony that had suddenly begun to speak. Of course, it brought to mind the story of Balaam’s ass in the Bible.
‘Jolly good,’ he said at last. ‘This child makes a good point. Perhaps if I ever were to divorce Countess Aubrey I could send for this one, and then she could become the next Countess Grimsley-Snodgrass.’
‘Eew!’ Alison said. ‘Yuck!’
Thank heavens that Toy can think fast on his well-shaped feet. ‘Gabe, stop! If you punch the earl in the nose you’ll be charged with assault and it won’t be worth it. If vengeance is what you’re after, then tell your mama, Mother Superior of the Sisters Who Feel Inferior.’
Even the Babester had to laugh at that. Before long it was all sorted out, and the mob of nobs and their minders – that would be Gabe, Alison and Agnes – were headed over to bed down at my mother-in-law’s supposed convent, where folks were free to frolic about in the altogether like the heathens that they were.
I insisted on tarrying behind with Toy. This time it was me who carried Little Jacob on my hip.
‘What is it?’ Toy asked when he was quite sure that the others were far enough away so that we could not be overheard.
‘I’m not sleeping over at the Den of Iniquity,’ I said.
‘Then where?’ he said. ‘You can’t go back to the inn.’
‘You can’t stop me. I have to go back; I have two cows and a horse to feed, not to mention twenty-three hens and a very large cock – I mean rooster.’
‘I know what a cock is, Magdalena; I’m not stupid.’
‘I’m sorry. Anyway, I intend to
sleep in my own bed tonight, and I will be taking Little Jacob with me so that I can give him a bath and he can sleep in his own bed. But you needn’t worry; we won’t touch your precious crime scene. My bedroom is on the ground floor and the corpse is upstairs, lying supine – albeit a wee bit flattened – across the roof of my lift. Uh, that means elevator.’
‘Yes,’ said Toy, ‘I know what that means, as well. Big cock and a lift. Gotcha.’
‘Don’t be coy, Toy,’ I said. ‘I’m not going to have my toddler living over there in the pigsty of apostasy.’
‘So an open tomb is better?’ Toy said. ‘Somehow I fail to see the logic. Besides, doesn’t it spook you out the least little bit?’
‘Logic shmogic,’ I said. ‘Yoko-san has been in that shaft all along; why should this night be any different? Little Jacob will not be getting upstairs, I can promise you that, and if Yoko-san was going to haunt me, she would have done so by now. Anyway, good Christians don’t believe in ghosts.’
‘Funny, but I could swear that you did. I’ve seen you talk to your granny.’
‘I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, officer.’
Toy shook his sinfully handsome head. ‘I’m really sorry, Magdalena, but I can’t allow it. Not until I can get a forensic team in here from Pittsburgh, and that could take days.’
‘Harrumph,’ I said as I furrowed my brow so deep that one could plant corn between the hillocks. ‘In this one-horse town it is the mayor who hires and fires the police force. Since I art the mayor, and thou art the police force, I say that either thou wilt allow me to sleep in mine own bed or I shall be forced to fire thee.’
Toy looked like a wounded boy. I wanted to throw in the towel that second. Almost … sort of. I would be willing to eat off the so-called convent floors, even the chairs where all those naked bottoms had been – no, not that, but almost – not to see the way that he looked at me.
‘I quit,’ he said.
‘What?’ I cried.
‘Magdalena, you’re making it impossible for me to do my job. Just because you’re by far the wealthiest individual in this village and single-handedly pay for all the services, that doesn’t give you the right to be a dictator.’
‘But I’m a benevolent dictator,’ I cried. ‘I don’t lop off heads or compel anyone to pray before school – even though, Lord only knows, those Episcopalian twins, in junior high, could stand a demonstration of how a proper prayer is done.’
Toy raised a groomed yet heterosexual eyebrow. ‘Are we being a bit judgemental?’
‘I was observing, not judging. Just to show you how impartial I am, it is my observation that the children who attend the church with thirty names, out near the Turnpike, would do well to lay off the sweets and fried foods.’
‘Now, that is just mean,’ Toy said.
‘How is that mean?’ I asked. ‘The Bible says that we are to maintain our bodies as temples for the Lord, but some of those kids have added enough extra space to their temples that they are competing with the Vatican City for size.’
‘Never mind; I give up,’ Toy said.
‘But you don’t quit, right?’
‘I guess. But I am counting on your word, as a God-fearing woman, that you won’t be sneaking upstairs for one more peek at poor Miss Yoko-san.’
‘Yes, sir.’ I gave him a clumsy salute.
‘Cut it out. But hey,’ he added, just as he started to turn away. ‘One more thing. When you went off to speak to Rudy, I got another call. This one was about the owner of a convenience store on the east side of Pittsburgh.’
I felt like a tray of ice cubes had been dumped down the back of my dress. ‘Oh?’
‘The owner of the convenience store claims to have seen your brother in his store this morning.’
‘Pittsburgh? That’s just an hour away! What was Melvin doing in Pittsburgh? How did this convenience store owner know that Melvin was my brother? How did Melvin behave in the store?’
Toy turned entirely so that he faced me square on. ‘So many questions. For starters, I don’t know why Melvin was in Pittsburgh – but at least he’s there, and not here, even if it is just an hour away. As for how he behaved himself; he robbed the poor fellow, who had only recently arrived from India with all his savings to purchase the franchise. Fortunately, Mr Rashid was a portrait painter in India and he did a bang-up job on his own police sketch, which in turn, matched the FBI’s most-wanted poster perfectly.’
‘Jiminy Cricket! So then it was the FBI who called you?’
‘No,’ Toy said, ‘it was local. No doubt the FBI has their hands full at the moment.’
‘Quite so,’ I said. ‘No doubt that their hands are full of soap and warm water as they blithely wash them.’
‘Say what?’ Toy said. ‘Was that sarcasm? If so, whatever for?’
‘Let’s just say that my problems with Melvin, with him wanting to kill me and members of my family, must be really small potatoes to the FBI. That serial killer, half-wit, half-brother of mine has been running across state lines for nigh on two years, and these phone calls you’ve gotten lately are the first real evidence that the Preying Menace still lives.’
‘I thought that you called him the Praying Mantis,’ Toy said.
‘He’s both,’ I said.
‘Magdalena, do you want me to crash at the inn tonight?’
‘No!’
‘Good,’ Toy said with a smile. ‘Because I hate ghosts – no offense, Granny Yoder.’
‘But,’ I said, ‘you can still do a huge favour for me.’
‘Anything – but that. I have boundaries, you know, and I respect your husband’s fists.’
‘You also have chutzpah,’ I said. I allowed a broad smile to lift the corners of my pale, thin lips. ‘Believe me, dear, I was not asking you to dance the mattress-mamba with me.’
‘Of course not,’ he said quickly. ‘Besides, I’m a virgin.’
‘You are not!’
‘Yes, ma’am, I am.’
‘Get out of town and back!’ I said. It was a phrase of incredulity that I had picked up from Toy himself.
But how could such a thing possibly be true? Toy had ‘movie-star’ good looks. That was back in the day before I opened the PennDutch Inn and stars such as – well, never you mind. Let’s just say that some of today’s crop don’t bear a strong resemblance to Rock Hudson and Paul Newman but look more like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
‘I was painfully shy,’ Toy said. ‘I still am.’
‘Well, well, well, how very interesting,’ I said. I said it quite kindly, of course. ‘Perhaps I can help you overcome your shyness – just not today. What I need from you now is help to get a message to the Babester.’
‘The who?’
‘My studmuffin – Gabriel.’
‘Oh,’ Toy said. ‘So you really don’t have designs on me?’
‘Well, you are very handsome; there is no denying that. But even if I were considering such a heinous sin, the fact that you are yet a virgin puts me way out of your league.’
‘Come on, Magdalena, you know I’m just toying with you.’
‘Toy! Just pay attention – please. I need you to go across the road to the Convent of Dismal Anarchy and tell Gabe that I’ll be staying the night over here. Tell him not to worry; that I’ll be all right. You got that? Tell him that if he gets scared his mother keeps Winnie the Pooh videos in a big wicker basket, located up in the coat closet of the main sitting room. And tell him that I said that it was OK if she cuts his meat for him just this once.’
‘Hmm,’ Toy said. ‘I thought that they were vegetarians.’
‘Not all of them. Just some of the leadership.’
Toy sniffed the air, even though we were too far away to pick up even a trace of a scent. ‘I wonder what the meat choice is for tonight,’ he said.
TWENTY-FOUR
An empty inn can seem as large as Buckingham Palace. Granted, I’ve never been to Her Majesty’s house (I’m still waiting for an invitation) but
I’ve read that she has a pack of corgis barking at her heels and servants melting in and out of the woodwork just as regularly as the ants climb up my walls. I rather enjoy my own company, being the cheerful soul that I am, but my periods of solitude are usually short-lived and definitely bracketed by my family’s comings and goings, not to mention the many volunteer tasks I undertake on behalf of Beechy Grove Mennonite Church. Now, with most of my family under the stubby wings of Ida Rosen, aka Mother Superior, and most of my church members being difficult, thanks to the daffy Daphne Diffledorf, I was largely by myself.
Of course, I wasn’t all by myself, because I had Little Jacob with me. That little Cutie Pie is always doing something kinetic. He slobbers and kicks when he is asleep, but when he’s awake he toddles, babbles, plops, cries, sings, grabs, scrabbles, laughs, reaches, climbs, screams, eats, poops and, well, I guess that his Grandmother Ida Rosen was right; the two of them do have a lot in common.
Perchance I longed to hear the voice of another adult, then there was Granny Yoder’s ghost to keep me company. If one is in the mood for a lecture, she’s good for several hours of entertainment at one sitting – but mind you, one must be sitting straight, lest bad posture become part of said lecture. Granny, however, never leaves the parlour, so that she can be easily avoided, if that is what one so desires, and that is exactly what I intended to do that night.
As for the ghost of poor Yoko-san, how could I really be sure that she existed without experiencing her myself? Just because Lady Celia had claimed to converse with her, even divulging information that she could not have been privy to, that was no reason to be convinced that the Japanese girl’s spirit had remained stuck to my lift. No siree, I take pride in being a sceptical woman, and if I want to believe that dinosaurs coexisted with man, despite the fossil evidence, or that somehow Noah managed to take woolly mammoths, as well as Asian and African elephants, and their subspecies, aboard the ark, not to mention all the giraffe and zebra species – since there is no such thing as evolution and therefore they could not have evolved after the flood – nevertheless, I am a very logically-minded and sceptical woman. I will admit that sometimes, when I ponder that there are perhaps a million species of animals overall – well, never mind. Faith! We must have the faith of a small child! And blinders! In my humble opinion every new Christian should be issued a pair of metaphorical blinders, so as not to be unduly frightened by logic and reason. After all, we Amish and Mennonites put blinders on our horses before taking them out on the highway so that they aren’t frightened by cars.