by James Rhodes
“His dad left when he was a baby.”
“And his mum?”
“She was a nurse, she was nice.”
“What did she die of?”
“She didn’t, she was offered a job in Saint Helena about two years ago.”
“I don’t know it.”
“It’s the island where they dumped Napoleon after he escaped from Elba. It’s something crazy like two thousand miles into the middle of the ocean.”
“Why in God’s name did she move there?”
“She said it was less remote than Hettford. Plus it’s sunny all year, no tropical storms, everyone speaks English and the economy is so bad that a NHS nurse can live without worrying.”
“Why does he never call her?”
“It’s expensive and the lines are dreadful. He calls at Christmas and she calls on his birthday and whenever. They write too but, again, it’s crazy expensive and it takes months to get there.”
“No brothers? Sisters? Grandparents?”
“His grandparents live in Bridgeford. I don’t know why he won’t see them, something to do with the way they treated his mum after he was born. He’s never met them.”
“I’d be curious,” said Shelley.
“You mean you are curious?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“I wouldn’t get too attached to him,” said Alison, “he'll never change and there will always be a part of you that doesn't want him to.”
6.
Milton and Dan were discussing Julie:
“So what do you think?”
“I’m not convinced it’s actually a curse,” said Milton, “it’s probably just hormonal.”
“What?” Dan asked.
There was an indignity in Dan's voice that caught Milton off guard.
“It’s probably a hormonal problem.” Milton repeated.
“What? Just because she’s a woman, it’s automatically a hormonal problem? You are so lucky that Carrie’s not here to hear this.”
“I didn’t say that, I just think if a woman is on her, you know, for longer than normal then that’s probably hormones.”
“Or maybe, it’s something more serious,” said Dan, “like an organ failure, a tumour or witchcraft.”
“I’m sure the doctors have checked for all those things,” said Milton, “except for the last one.”
“I’m telling you, it’s a curse.”
“You’ve got no proof of that.”
Dan folded his arms.
“Oh, really? Who was the last person she had sex with?”
“I don’t know, Dan. I’m not her diarist.”
“She did it with Gary.”
“Last September.”
“Exactly.”
“In what way does that prove she has a curse on her?”
“Because Gary has a dark side. He’s put a curse on her.”
“Why? Gary likes her, he’s not in a relationship and he’s got his job back from her.”
Dan slammed his hand on the table. His face was coal red, his eyes bulging.
“That’s it! He did it to get his job back. He’s evil.”
“He’s not evil Dan, it’s just co-incidence.”
“I bet it’s something to do with that monk that’s been seen around. I bet he summoned some weird spirit helper.”
“Will you listen to yourself?” Milton sighed.
“I am, what choice do I have? Whenever I speak all I hear is my own voice and do you know what it’s doing Milton?”
Milton shook his head.
“It’s talking.”
“If Milton had gone dark side, he could use magic to dispatch the witches. He wouldn’t need to do all this mid-summer’s day nonsense.”
“His plan to keep the witches in the sunlight until they’re week enough to be exorcised. That doesn’t sound like a witchcraft type manoeuvre to you?”
“You’re the one who said you wanted to do it.”
“I know that and I do,” said Dan, “but when it’s done we’ll have the other witch to worry about.”
Dan’s voice took on a deep and sombre tone:
“The witch that walks among us.”
“He passed the tests,” said Milton.
“So?”
“So, he’s not a witch.”
“Or the tests don’t work.”
“The tests do work,” said Milton.
“I know that but does Gary?”
“What?”
“Nothing, what?”
Dan looked around defiantly. The two of them stood in an awkward silence. Milton decided to break it with a peace offering.
“I’m going to make a sandwich, do you want one?”
“I’ll have a cheese sandwich,” said Dan “easy on the witch.”
Milton just had no words. He’d given up.
7.
Gary was not sure why he hadn’t gone back downstairs yet, nor was he sure why he felt a sense of dread when he heard the footsteps on the stairs. He closed his eyes. Gary kept his eyes closed even as he felt the pressure on the bed. When a hand began to rub his leg, he opened them. It was Alison.
“Are you awake?” She asked.
“I am now.”
“Good.”
Alison continued to rub his leg.
“You know, all the problems we had?”
“Uh-huh.”
“None of them were because I didn’t find you attractive.”
Gary felt himself harden and then he hardened himself. Gary sat up in the bed.
“What are you doing?” He asked her.
“I thought we could, maybe, for old time’s sake. How long as it been for you?”
“It’s gone from desperation to desolation.”
“So, come on then.”
Gary shook his head.
“No, it would be weird.”
“Only if you want.”
“Shelley will hear us.”
“So what do you care?”
“She has to sleep in this bed.”
“I’ll change the sheets.”
“No, it would make things worse for me.”
Alison snorted.
“They can’t really get worse for you, can they Gary?”
“I think they can; besides I wouldn’t want to get what Neville had.”
“What do you mean?”
“His,” Gary made inverted commas with his fingers, “medical condition.”
“It’s just a latex allergy, he can’t use condoms.”
“Really?”
“Yes and I won’t use the pill.”
“I know that.”
“He almost died last time we tried it.”
“Good.”
Gary rolled over and out of sheer belligerence, he managed to fall asleep.
8.
“Milton!” Dan shouted, “Milton.”
The robed figure stood in the bookshop. He was taller than Dan, even with his head hung.
“Can I help you?” Dan asked.
The figure shook its head slowly, the hood obscuring its face.
The monk walked to the bookshelf and picked out a book. It seemed to glide towards Dan. As it got close it put the book on the counter. It was a local history book called simply, Hettford: The Witches Ford.
“That’s twenty pounds,” said Dan.
The monk reached into its sleeve and pulled out a folded £20 note. It put the note on the counter and took the book. Dan waited for the monk to glide out of the door.
“Milton!”
“I’m coming,” said Milton.
He had arrived before he finished saying it. Milton put a plate with two sandwiches on to the counter.
“We just had a customer,” said Dan.
“Well, I can see why you’re upset. Did you have to serve him?”
“How did you know it was a him?” Dan demanded.
Milton shrugged.
“Lucky guess, we already had a woman today.”
/> “It was the monk.”
“What?”
“The mad monk, the one Carrie saw.”
“And what did this mad monk do?”
“It bought a book.”
“In a bookshop, that is mad,” Milton observed.
“You weren’t here, you didn’t see it. It wasn’t right. I don’t think it had feet, it glided.”
“Dan, you’re upset.”
“You would be too if you’d nearly been killed by witches and bloody gliding monk came into the shop. I’m not getting killed Milton, I want to be absolutely clear on that.”
“I’ll put the kettle on, why don’t you go for a little walk? Clear your head.”
Dan nodded.
“That thing’s out there,” said Dan, “and I’m going to find it.”
9.
Gary was vaguely aware of a sound. It was a sound he used to be familiar with. A droning nag of a sound that meant he had to wake up. He reached over to the side of the bed and answered the phone.
“Hello,” mumbled Gary.
“Oh hey,” said Milton, “I didn’t wake you did I?”
“Yes but don’t worry about it.”
“Listen, I need you to keep an eye out for that monk for me. We had an incident at the shop.”
Some of Gary’s focus returned.
“What kind of incident?”
“Nothing serious but Dan is worried. It was the mad monk. I was wondering if you might be able to keep your eyes peeled until we work out who or what it is.”
“Sure thing,” said Gary.
“Nice one.”
After hanging up, Gary lay and looked at the ceiling. He was regretting the fact that he’d rejected Alison. He’s was buggered now, he wouldn’t be able to get her back unless he moved to bloody Sheffield and in order to do that...
The house was empty. He deliberately called out for Shelley before he called out for Alison but neither of them answered. Somebody had left the curtains open, Alison. Gary’s plan was to crack one off and then go back to sleep. He stood up and walked to the curtains.
Through the window, on the other side of the road, a man in monk’s robes leaned against the wall reading a book about local history. There was one problem Gary could get rid of straight away. He’d just get dressed. The monk looked up and noticing Gary, it tucked the book into its sleeve and began to glide away.
Gary raced down his stairs and pulled open his front door. The monk was shifting away down the road. Gary sprinted after the monk; he heard his front door slam behind him. The concrete tore at his bare feet as he ran. The monk glanced over its shoulder and seeing Gary charging toward it in his underpants, it turned to flee.
The chase took the two of them down the main road and past the shops. The monk was a little faster than Gary but Gary had the advantage of having had to walk everywhere for months. He had endurance: A little past the Quiet Woman Inn the monk put its hands on its knees and held up one hand.
“Bloody hell Gary, you’re relentless. I'm wearing roller skates as well. You're a machine.”
Paul panted in between each word. He pulled back his hood and stood up.
“Whatever happened to respect for a holy man. What’s all this chasing me down stuff?”
Gary shrugged, he was also panting.
“Religious persecution? Why are you dressed as a monk?”
“Have you ever read Thorny Pitches?”
“What?”
“Thorny Pitches, it’s a fantasy series. There’s a monk in it called Thedalicus, he’s like the smartest man ever.”
“OK.”
“So, I wanted to be a bit more like him. Have a bit of mystery, a bit of flare. I’m tired of everyone treating me like the village idiot you know. I’m quite in to druidism too and I thought the robes would be a nice step towards that.”
“And the roller skates?”
“I saw it on Scooby Doo. I thought it would be more magical.”
“Why druidism?”
“Well, Thedalicus is a druid. Did you know that the druids considered death to be just a change of energy? Like the way a fire turns to smoke when you put it out. It’s a comforting thought.”
Paul let his eyes fall to the floor. Gary did something he wasn’t expecting. He hugged Paul.
“I know as a fact that there is life after death, I’ve seen it.”
Paul nodded.
“Thanks.”
They stood there awkwardly for a few seconds.
“Why are you in your underpants?” Paul asked.
“I’m not just in my underpants; I’m in my underpants and locked out of my house.”
Paul laughed.
“Saul would have loved to see this,” he said.
“I bet.”
“You can borrow my robe if you like. If you pull the hood up, you can have a lot of fun pointing at people ominously. Is that the right word?”
“It is and thanks. I’ll bring it back to you at the shop.”
“Can you drop it at my house; I’d rather not have Tajel find out about it.”
“You realise that means keeping it a secret from everyone?”
Paul nodded.
“No worries mate,” said Gary, “and I owe you one for the lend of the robes.”
10.
Shelley was shifting the bacon in the pan. Her and Alison had only left for ten minutes to buy breakfast, where the hell had Gary gone?
“So how are you liking Hettford?” Alison asked.
“It’s a pretty rich source of research material.”
“And you’re OK with looking after Gary?”
“More than OK but I don’t want things to get awkward with me and you. I mean, I’d never do anything with Gary.”
“Gary can do whatever he likes with whomever he likes. So can you?”
“What time is your meeting with your boss? Mr Patel?”
“In an hour, hopefully I’ll have shaken of the smell of alcohol by then. I still feel a little drunk.”
“It was a good night,” Shelley agreed.
“Look I’ve got a favour to ask,” said Alison.
“Go on.”
“You know how you said Gary is determined to become a teacher?”
“Yes,” Shelley confirmed.
“Can you make sure he follows through with it?”
“I can try. Actually, I can do more than try. I’ll make sure he does.”
“Gary’s a pain in the arse but he’s a pain in the arse because that’s who he is. It’s not because he’s trying to do some kind of weird power thing, like some men do.”
“You talking about Neville?”
“Yes. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone.”
“They paved paradise and put up a parking lot,” Shelley told her.
11.
Dan had gone from quiet calming walk to brisk bracing walk. He was starting to see what Milton saw about the walking thing. It took him back to his army orienteering days, except that he could stop at Discount News and buy a Racer bar if he needed to.
The road reached a corner and Dan took it at pace. He had decided that he was going to take up walking regularly and be much better at it than Milton and Carrie put together. As he rounded the corner he ran into Gary.
“Hello, Dan.”
Gary’s voice was friendly and enthusiastic. Dan looked down at the monk’s robes that Gary was wearing.
“You,” muttered Dan.
“Yes me,” agreed Gary.
“Dark side,” muttered Dan.
Gary looked at him in bewilderment. Dan pushed past Gary and strode purposefully on his way.
12.
Gary trusted Shelley with his secret about the robes and he genuinely didn’t give a fuck what Dan thought. If Milton asked, he would tell him but he wanted to make sure it didn’t get back to Tajel so there was no way he was going to tell Alison. He had been quite relieved when he had got home to find that s
he had gone to meet her boss, Tajel’s father. Shelley had made him bacon, they had watched TV together. It had been nice.
Two hours later, Gary was upstairs with Alison. His shoulders were contracted and his breath was shallow. He wasn’t convinced he could fend off another seduction attempt or live with the consequences of how it might affect his dynamic with Shelley.
“I’m thinking of staying over again tonight,” said Alison, “what do you want to do about the sleeping arrangements?”
“I’m at work again.”
“It’s odd how you seem to be getting your life together now that Shelley’s here.”
“Yeah,” said Gary, “it’s almost back to where it was before you insisted I improved it.”
“I just wanted what was best for you, for us both.”
Gary took a deep breath and said the most hurtful thing he could muster.
“Well, it looks like you got it.”
Alison winced and Gary felt bad. He stepped forward and put his arms around Alison. She pushed him away.
“No, no,” she said, “Shelley might hear.”
Alison walked out of the bedroom and back downstairs. Gary sat down on the bed and stared out of the window. He would have welcomed a comedy monk in his view.
13.
Two ravens landed on the back fence behind Gary’s house. Each bird was as black as night. Their beady eyes glowered at the house.
There was a thud as the cat joined them. It was a long slender feline with brown fur, if you had to guess you might have said it was about three years old but cats don’t age that visibly so it would have been a rough guess. The cat had positioned itself directly between the two birds. The ravens turned to look at the cat.
The cat yawned and stretched out its paw. Then, without warning it turned on one of the ravens and pounced. The other raven pecked at the back of the cat as it dug its teeth in. In response the cat turned its head and let go of its grip.
The two ravens flew away.
End of Series Two
The witch hunters of Hettford will return in June 2014 for the Solstice Special: The Longest Day.