“She just worries about me. After everything that happened, she has reason to.”
Maddy sees she’s gone too far this time. “I’m sorry. I just meant it might be fun for the three of us to go out. We don’t have to go to a club or anything. We could go to a movie. Something G-rated for your aunt.”
I smile at the joke. It’s hard to imagine Tess with Grace and especially Maddy with her pink hair, piercings, and tattoos. I feel a sad lump in my stomach as I remember how Tess used to play peek-a-boo with Maddy when she was a baby.
“I was just kidding,” Maddy says.
“I know. I was thinking of something else.” I tell them about Jenny, though I don’t use her name. By the time I’ve finished, all three of us have tears in our eyes.
“That’s so sad,” Grace says.
“No wonder your aunt worries about you,” Maddy adds. She wipes at her eyes and then forces a smile. “It was just a thought.”
“I’ll talk to her about it,” I say. I check the clock over Grace’s shoulder: it’s fifteen minutes to nine. “I should probably get going.”
“You haven’t even had dessert yet,” Maddy says. It touches me that she doesn’t want me to go yet. I don’t want to leave her either, but Jake will probably be early and he won’t be happy if I make him wait.
“I couldn’t eat another bite anyway,” I say. That’s a lie. I’m still famished despite two plates of pasta. Apparently my stomach hasn’t caught up with the rest of me yet.
“I’ll wrap something up for you,” Grace suggests. She goes into the kitchen to cut a piece of tiramisu for me.
This gives me a chance to say goodbye to Maddy. “This was a lot of fun,” I say. “It’s been a while since I had a chance to hang out with someone my own age.”
“You’re welcome to hang out here anytime you want.” Maddy gives me a hug I wish would go on a lot longer than it does. I remember when she used to wrap her arms around my neck and press her little cheek against my shirt. How did I ever let things get this way between us?
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say. I hope to escape before I start to bawl.
Grace escorts me down through the store so she can unlock the door; she doesn’t want me to try the fire escape in the dark. Her hug is briefer, though still gentle. “You need anything, you let us know, all right?”
“I will. Thanks.”
As expected, Jake is out front in the car, smoking a cigarette. He stares at Grace, to size her up the way a cop does. “So that’s your boss, eh?” he asks once I’m in the car. Grace waves as we drive away.
“Yeah, that’s her.”
“Looks like a flake.”
“Then maybe I’m a flake too, because I like her.”
“You get to see Maddy?”
“She’s upstairs.” I turn to Jake and study his face as I ask, “Did you know Maddy was a lesbian?”
“No,” he says. I can tell from the way his cheek twitches that he’s lying. He knows I know too. “She came over to visit Jenny a few times. One time she was all broken up about something. I thought it was Jenny being sick, but it was some other girl who dumped her.”
“So she’s been that way for a while? And you never told me?”
“You could have asked her yourself. She wanted you to.”
“She say that?”
“She doesn’t have to say it. Every time she came over she’d ask about you.” Jake flicks his cigarette out the window. He reaches into his jacket for another while I feel like he’s punched me in the stomach.
“I should have called her,” I say. “Or at least sent a fucking birthday card.”
“You aren’t going to get an argument from me.”
“I was a really shitty father, wasn’t I?”
“It was a bad situation with you and Debbie.”
“And I made it worse.”
“Maybe. There’s no way to know for sure. Not even Dr. Nath invented a time machine. Speaking of which, Dr. Palmer sent me some stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Your test results.” It’s too dark to read through them, so Jake gives me the short version. “She says you’re definitely a woman, and the FY-1978 is still in your system.”
“She said as much at the hospital.”
“Yeah, but now she’s sure.”
“What about you?”
“If it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for me.”
“So what’s she going to do about it?”
“She wants to see you tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? But—”
“Take a sick day.”
I look in the rearview mirror. I don’t want to have to call in sick on my second day, but this is too important. Maybe Dr. Palmer can find some way to cure me, so I can see Maddy as myself and make things right.
Chapter 26
I can’t sleep that night. I wind up on the couch again and fall asleep to another infomercial. In my dreams it becomes a commercial for FY-1978. A picture of the old me is brought up on the screen. I look hung over, my eyes red and days of gray stubble on my chin. “Look at this broken down old man,” the tanned, aging host says. “He’s so disgusting he can’t even bring himself to talk to his only daughter.”
The audience boos theatrically, as if this is really a taping of The Jerry Springer Show. “But with FY-1978 we can make even this monster beautiful.”
All of the sudden someone gives me a push onto the stage, into blinding lights. I hear the audience gasp. “Look at the difference FY-1978 can make for you!”
My vision clears enough that I can see my female body. Just as when I first woke up as a woman, I’m naked. I try to cover my breasts with my hands, but it’s already too late. Behind me I see the split-screen before and after pictures. The host comes to stand next to me and says, “FY-1978, it’s like a Fountain of Youth in a syringe!”
I don’t realize I’ve been screaming until Tess shakes me awake. “It’s all right, dear,” she says. “It was just a nightmare.”
I look around and see the living room of Jake’s house. There’s no audience in the room, just Tess. Thank God I’m clad in a gray T-shirt and sweatpants too. I let Tess wrap me in a hug and pull me close. She strokes my hair and whispers to me that everything is all right. I’m not so sure about that.
***
When I call Grace in the morning, I don’t tell her I’m sick. Instead I tell her I have to go down to the police station to fill out some paperwork about a restraining order against my no-good parents. She accepts this without question. It makes me smile when she says, “Do you want any moral support?”
“Thanks, but my aunt and uncle will be there. I’m sorry about the timing.”
“It’s fine. We probably won’t be very busy anyway.”
With my flimsy excuse in place, I’m free to head off to the meeting with Dr. Palmer. She’s arranged to meet us at Lennox’s headquarters downtown. Because it’s such a swanky place, I wear my church dress and a pair of formal shoes from Jenny’s closet.
Throughout the drive, I try to arrange the skirt so I’m comfortable without my privates visible to anyone. “I don’t know how anyone can stand these,” I say.
“Just think of it like a shorter bathrobe,” Jake says. This advice isn’t very helpful. I finally find a somewhat comfortable position and then fiddle with my hair. Tess brushed it out this morning and then used a couple of barrettes to keep it out of my face. I try to smooth it down anyway; I don’t want to look like an urchin as Tess says.
The headquarters for Lennox is a sparkling tower of turquoise glass surrounded by a lot of other gleaming towers. We go around to park in the underground garage and circle down three levels before we find a spot.
Before we get out, Jake turns to me. “No matter what happens, I’ll help you through it, all right?”
“I know,” I say. “Do I look all right?”
Jake shakes his head. “God, you really are becoming a woman. You look fine. Not that Dr. Palmer will care.”
>
“Maybe she doesn’t, but there are a lot of people there who might. I don’t want security running me out of the place like I’m a bum.”
“No one’s going to think you’re a bum. You’re too well-dressed.”
“Thanks.”
We take the elevator up to the lobby. As soon as the doors open, I can hear the fountain bubbling. It’s just as big as I’ve heard, two stories of marble in the shape of Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom. At least that’s what Dr. Palmer says. She’s there to meet us right by the elevators in a dark blue suit. Again I can’t help but feel jealous at how much better she looks in formal clothes than I do.
“You look lovely,” she says and gives me a brief hug.
“Thanks. So do you.”
“This is quite the spread you guys have,” Jake says as the bad cop.
“Pharmaceuticals are a big business,” Dr. Palmer says. She gives us a tour of the lobby and explains about the fountain of Athena. “It’s supposed to be symbolic of something. I’m not sure what.”
“It’s beautiful. Can I make a wish on it?”
Dr. Palmer shrugs. “You can try. Mostly just little kids do that.”
“I’m not a little kid!”
“Yeah, well, it couldn’t hurt to try for a little extra luck,” Jake says. He reaches into his pocket for a quarter. He presses it into my hand.
“I guess so.” I flip the quarter into the water, my eyes closed as I wish for Dr. Palmer to have a cure for me.
From there she leads us up to the security desk. We have to give them our IDs and sign the register. Though like the factory by the waterfront, the guards just carry tasers that can’t stop a serious intruder, not someone like Artie Luther.
The elevator is full of people, all of whom look more grown-up and professional than me. There’s barely room for the three of us to squeeze inside. Dr. Palmer presses the button for the eighteenth floor.
When the elevator doors open on the fourth floor to let people out, someone’s hand brushes against my ass. Did someone just cop a feel? I smile to myself; it’s the first time a stranger’s ever flirted with me as a woman. It’s a lot better than that fat bastard Jefferson when he checked me out.
With a few people gone, I’m able to press against the side of the elevator, next to Dr. Palmer. “Your bruise is gone,” she says.
“Yeah, it disappeared the day after your exam.”
She nods as if she expected that. “Must be the serum still in your blood.”
“That’s what I thought. It’s kind of like having a superpower, isn’t it?”
“Just don’t try leaping from any tall buildings.”
Dr. Palmer makes it tough for me to stay positive. I want to believe everything will work out. I know better, but I desperately want everything to get back to normal, or what passed as normal before. The first thing I’ll do is call Maddy and tell her I love her. Then I’ll buy her twelve birthday cards, one for each year I missed.
The doctor leads us to a windowless conference room. There’s nothing in there but a white board, a table, and a dozen wheeled vinyl chairs. “Have a seat,” she says. She takes the head of the table, where her briefcase sits. She snaps it open and then pulls out a few folders.
“I’m sure Mr. Madigan already went through the test results with you.”
“Yes.”
“So we definitely know that you are a hundred percent female and that you have FY-1978 still in your blood.”
“Is that good or bad?” I ask.
“Both,” she says. “The good thing is that gives us a sample of the serum to work with. The bad news is that even if we had a cure, we couldn’t risk using it with so much of the original in your system.”
“How long will it take?”
“Probably six months at least.”
“And is it…doing anything in there?”
“You’re not getting any younger. At least not from what I can tell. As you saw, though, it might still repair some serious cell damage you incur.”
“That’ll be good if I cut myself shaving.”
Dr. Palmer doesn’t smile at my bad joke. Instead she frowns. “We might as well get down to business. I brought you here because I wanted to tell you this in person—”
“It’s bad news?” I say.
“Depends on how you look at things. Like I said, it’s good you had some FY-1978 in your blood so we could get a sample. The bad news is that without the formula or Dr. Nath’s notes, we have to try reverse engineering the serum. It’s a lengthy process, one that might not be successful.”
“How long is it going to take?” I ask.
“It depends. But I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you; it could take as long as five years before we’ve got it.”
“Five years?”
“I’m afraid so.” Dr. Palmer reaches across the table to take my hand. I can barely feel it. Five years. Five years of being a woman. I remember what Jake said in the car, that I’m already acting like a woman. I’ve seen the signs myself. In five years is there going to be any of Steve Fischer left? Or will I be entirely Stacey Chance?
She gives my hand a squeeze before she drops the anvil on my head like in one of those old cartoons. “It gets worse. That’s five years to recreate the serum. From there we have to study it, figure out exactly how it did what it did to you. Then we have to come up with a cure. We’ll have to do trials on animals—”
“How long?”
Dr. Palmer takes a deep breath. “Conservative estimate: twenty years total.”
“Twenty years? You expect me to live like this for twenty years?” In twenty years I’ll be thirty-eight years old, on my way into middle age for a second time.
And in twenty years Maddy will be forty-two years old. She and Grace will probably have moved out to the suburbs so they can raise a child they create through artificial insemination—my grandchild. A grandchild who will never know his or her grandfather, just Aunt Stacey.
I put my head down on the table and sob at this image. Dr. Palmer pats my back. “I’m sorry, Stacey. I wish I had better news for you. But it might not be that long. I’ll be working around the clock on this, to find a way to change you back.”
I look up, Dr. Palmer’s face blurry through my tears. I laugh. It’s a bitter, hateful laugh. The chances of a cure quickly were remote, but there was still that hope. Now there’s no hope left at all. “You? You’ll find a way? The only one who could is Dr. Nath and she’s dead! You said it yourself; she’s the only one who knew how to make this shit. You’re too fucking stupid to remake it, let alone to cure me!”
I feel a stronger hand on my shoulder. “Come on, don’t say something you’ll regret,” Jake says.
“I won’t regret it!” I reach out to sweep the papers and Dr. Palmer’s briefcase from the table in a childish gesture that makes me feel slightly better. “You people made this shit! Your stupid drug did this to me and now you’re saying you’ll need twenty years to fix it? Fuck you! Fuck all of you!”
“Stacey, please—”
“Fuck you!” I storm out of the room while Dr. Palmer and Jake are still reeling from my outburst. I don’t bother with the elevator, knowing it’ll be too slow. Instead I kick off my silly girl shoes and take the stairs. I’d like to take off this girly dress too, but that will have to wait until later. It’s almost impossible to see through my tears, but my feet guide me well enough.
I expect someone to stop me in the lobby, but no one intercepts me as I run crying through the atrium and out of the building.
Chapter 27
My mind is a blank for the next six hours. All I know is I got on a train to the garment district. By the time I wind up at the Kozee Koffee, the bottoms of my feet are black and bleeding. I should have kept the stupid shoes.
“Stacey? Oh my God, what happened to you?” Maddy says. She rushes from behind the counter to wrap me in a hug I can’t feel. “Grace said you were at the police station.”
“Yeah, sure. The police st
ation,” I mumble.
Maddy sits me down at a table. She uses another chair so she can prop my feet up. I don’t feel it when she washes them with a damp rag. I don’t feel anything at all. I’ve cried myself out on the way here.
To finish, she rubs at my cheeks as if I’m a child who had played in a mud puddle. “What happened to your shoes? Did someone steal them?”
“No. They were slowing me down.”
Maddy looks me in the eye. Despite how different the rest of her might look from me, her eyes are the same blue. They’re my eyes. Or rather, Steve Fischer’s eyes. That’s not me anymore. From now on I’m Stacey Chance. I decided that at some point during my escape. Steve Fischer is dead.
That’s what brought me here. I take Maddy’s hand. It’s bigger and there are too many rings on it, but it’s as soft as when she was a newborn. No, she’s not my daughter anymore. She was Steve’s daughter. Maddy is just my friend and now I’m going to perform a friend’s duty. “Maddy, I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“The people I’m staying with, they’re Jake and Tess Madigan.”
“Really? I know them. Jake is my dad’s partner—on the police force. I used to play with their daughter.”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“I saw some pictures in Jenny’s room of you two.”
“She used to be my best friend. But she’s gone now. I’m sure they told you that.”
I nod. “Has anyone said anything about your father?”
“No. Why should they? No one’s said anything about him in twelve years.”
I take a deep breath. Even as Maddy’s friend this is difficult. “He’s dead. He died about five nights ago. There was a break-in at Lennox Pharmaceuticals. He responded to the call. The intruders killed him.”
Maddy stares at me for a long time with no reaction. She finally asks, “You’re sure?”
“I saw some papers on Jake’s desk. It was a police report. Whoever did it burned down his apartment too. You can probably find that in the newspaper.”
Maddy drops the damp rag to the floor. After a minute she says, “No, that can’t be. Someone would have said something by now. They would have told Mom and she would have told me.”
Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction) Page 13