“It is?”
“Steve doesn’t want me to go. He thinks he can do everything himself. You know how well that worked last time,” Maddy says. “And Grace doesn’t want me to go either. She thinks I’m still a little suburban kid who needs her to babysit me.”
“Madison thinks she’s invincible,” I say. I poke her gut. “She forgets about Dr. Ling.”
“That’s not fair! He got you too.”
“Stop it!” Clarita wails. She rushes forward and throws her arms around Maddy’s waist to hug her. “I don’t want you to get hurt. Or Steve either.”
“Thanks, sweetie,” Maddy says, “but I know what I’m doing.”
“The hell you do.”
While Maddy and I continue to argue, Clarita pulls away from Maddy to gallop over to Grace. She whispers something into Grace’s ear and Grace nods. “What are you two cooking up?” Maddy asks.
“Clarita and I have decided that if you two go through with this, we’re going to tell on you.”
“What? I expect that from Clarita, but you’re too old for that,” Maddy says.
“I don’t care. If you two go out on your little vendetta, I’m going to pick up the phone and call Mr. Madigan. That’s what we should be doing anyway. Let the police handle this. It’s their job.”
“They’ve done a good job so far,” Maddy says.
“She’s right about that,” I say.
“Shut up,” Maddy snaps at me. “Don’t you agree with me.”
The three of us don’t notice that Clarita has scampered off during this exchange. She trots into the living room with a phone pressed to her ear. “Hi, Mr. Madigan, it’s Clarita Palmer. I’m OK, I guess. Look, Steve needs to tell you something.”
She hands the phone to me. Jake says, “What the hell is going on? Why do I have a dozen hotel managers bitching about me threatening them?”
“I kind of dropped your name to open a few doors,” I say. “Like door 518 at the Bennett Hotel.”
“Vollmer?”
“Erin Cooper now.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive. You want any backup?”
“You’ve inflicted enough damage already,” Jake says.
“You’re not going alone, are you?”
“I’ll bring some support.”
“You’d better. I’m not going to hold your hand if you turn into a little girl.”
“Yeah, I’d hate for you to raise me,” Jake says. Before he hangs up, he says, “Thanks, Steve.”
***
After that we all sit around in the living room. Clarita wasn’t much for board games, but Jake brought over a copy of Monopoly with the other supplies. I’ve never really liked this game; I always seem to end up in jail before I can do anything. Some kind of universal irony I guess.
It’s no surprise that an hour later I’m cooling my heels in the big house while Maddy has Boardwalk and Grace has all the yellow and orange properties. Clarita bought one railroad and a light blue property before she conked out. I carry her back to bed and tuck her in. “Thanks for stopping us from doing something stupid,” I whisper before I kiss her forehead.
She mumbles something I can’t understand and then rolls over to face the wall. It probably won’t be much longer until she becomes a young woman, at least I hope so. Though I have to admit I kind of like her this way, so cute and innocent and sweet, like Maddy was at that age. Too bad no one at Lennox ever invented a real time machine so I could get those years back.
I get back out to the living room to find my thimble on the water company. “We moved your guy,” Maddy says.
“That’s fine.”
She sighs and says, “Are we really going to keep playing this stupid game?”
“What else do you want to do?”
“Go kick Vollmer’s fucking head in,” Maddy says. “The biggest story of my career and I won’t even be there.”
“I’m sure Jake will tell you about it,” I say. “He’ll give you the exclusive.”
“Yeah, right.”
Grace takes Maddy’s hand and then gives her a kiss. “At least you’ll be safe,” she says. “That’s what’s important.”
“Sure. You just want to be the breadwinner. Keep me home barefoot and pregnant.”
“That’s twice you’ve talked about kids in the last two days,” Grace says.
“Why shouldn’t I? We’re almost married. We’ve been together forever. Why can’t we talk about having kids?”
“Do we have to do this in front of your dad?”
“Why not? You don’t want him for a grandpa?”
“You’re projecting your frustration about not going to the hotel onto me.”
“Don’t give me the psychobabble. I’m not projecting anything. I don’t think it’s so unreasonable that a twenty-seven-year-old wants to be a mommy.”
“A couple minutes ago you wanted to be a breadwinner.”
“I can be both.”
I stay out of the argument and pack up Monopoly for them. Board games never seem to work out well; everyone always ends up pissed off. We really should get a TV to put in here.
“How are you even going to have a baby? You going down to a sperm bank for some random stranger’s jizz? Or have you already found yourself a baby daddy?” Grace says.
“I’m sure we can find someone to do it.”
“Like who? That creep in prison you were visiting?”
“God no!”
“Some friend of yours at work?”
Maddy looks over at me. “Actually, I kind of thought since Dr. Mac isn’t married to you anymore, maybe he could donate a little of his sperm for the cause.”
“Dr. Macintosh? You want to have his baby?”
“Why not? He’s handsome, he’s smart, and he’s not a creep.” Maddy puts up a hand. “We wouldn’t even have to fuck. He could spray into a cup and they could make us a baby in the lab. That wouldn’t be too weird, would it? I mean, Daddy’s not going to be his wife anymore.”
“Mac would be a good candidate,” I say. “I’m sure he’d do it for you.”
“But I know him. He’ll want to come over all the time to see the baby,” Grace says and I have to admit she has a point too. Mac’s an old-fashioned guy; he’ll want to be involved in the parenting of his child.
“So what? I like Dr. Mac. Don’t you?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I want him to father a child for us.”
“Then you pick someone.” Maddy stares at her fiancée for a minute. She crosses her arms over her chest triumphantly. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re just making excuses not to have a kid. I don’t know why you’re so afraid. You’re good with Clarita.”
“That was just for a few hours and I was worried sick the whole time.”
“That feeling never goes away,” I say.
“Like you would know. You didn’t even know where I was after I turned ten.”
“You think that stopped me from worrying about you? I was always waiting for the night when your mother would call me, saying you had fallen down some stairs or got hit by a bus.”
All three of us flinch when the phone rings. It’s my phone. I answer it; I expect Jake to say they’ve got the bastard. But it’s not Jake. It’s Tess. Worse yet, she’s crying. “Steven?” she says. “It’s Jacob. He’s been shot.”
Chapter 32
They take Jake to St. Vincent’s. He’s still in surgery when we get there. Provided he survives that, he’ll be moved to intensive care and then to a normal recovery room with the rest of the grown-ups. That’s something to be thankful for. It could be worse, right?
And he could be dead. From what I hear, he just got shot in the shoulder. It’s a bad wound, but not anywhere near fatal. They should be able to patch him up and have him back to work in a few weeks.
I have to hear all this from my hiding place in the pediatric ward—Clarita’s old room. There’s no guard by the door right now, but it hasn’t been reoccupied yet either. So
I get to come down here and wait for whatever word trickles up from the emergency room.
I can’t be in the waiting room with Tess, Maddy, Grace, and Clarita because some of my former colleagues are there too and they’ll know me for sure. Those fuckers Woods and Jefferson. Jake knew better than to go into a hostile situation with them; neither one could find his dick without a fucking road map.
I remember what Jake said at Squiggy’s that night we both got loaded. He didn’t get to be the hero last time. This time he was determined to be the one who captured Vollmer and got his picture in all the newspapers and on the television.
I should be out there to track Vollmer down, but I don’t want Tess and Maddy to worry more than they need to right now. I’ll find that motherfucker again and this time I’ll make sure she comes out in a body bag. That will have to wait until Jake gets out of surgery, when we can be reasonably sure he’ll live through it.
I punch the mattress of Clarita’s old bed. I should be down there right now to hold Tess and tell her everything will be fine. I’ve known her longer than anyone in that room right now. It’s my fucking job.
All I can do is watch TV and wait for news to come in. Grace taps on the door a couple of hours later. “He’s out of surgery,” she says. “They got the bullet. He should pull through.”
“As long as he doesn’t get an infection,” I say. “That happens more often than people think.”
“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Grace says. She sits down on the edge of the bed. “How about you?”
“I’ll be fine,” I say. “Just a little annoyed right now.”
“That’s a valid emotion,” she says in her shrink voice. It makes me wish Mac were here. Even though I’ve been a man for a couple of weeks now, I still get those womanly urges to have Mac hold me in his arms. I suppose that too will pass in time. Then I’ll be back to my old cantankerous, lonely self again. “You think you should have been there, right?”
“Better than those two assholes he brought along.”
“I’m sure Mr. Madigan did what he thought was right.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he did. He just happens to be wrong.”
“It’s easy to say that in hindsight. There’s no way to know for sure.”
“Mac says that too.”
“Would you like me to call Dr. Macintosh?”
“You mean the future father of your baby?”
“Don’t try to change the subject.”
“There’s nothing Mac can do.”
“I don’t know, Maddy says he’s pretty handy in a fight.”
“That was one time,” I say. “And he took Ling by surprise.”
“That might be true. He did save you and Maddy, though.”
“He did.”
“Is that when you knew you loved him?”
“It helped solidify those emotions.” I raise an eyebrow at her. “Are you analyzing me now? Trying to figure out when I stopped loving you?”
“No. I’ve stopped pining for you. Especially now.”
“Now that I have a dick?”
“Yes.”
“You think that changes who I am?”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Then you can’t blame me, can you?”
“I guess not.” I really wish I had a cigarette right now. “So why don’t you want Maddy to have Mac’s baby? Afraid he’ll steal her away? Or you just don’t want the responsibility?”
“I don’t know. A little of both, maybe.”
“Mac can’t steal Maddy away unless he takes some FY-1978. She doesn’t like guys.”
“She just wants one to fuck her.”
“You heard what she said. She only needs the sperm.”
“I know Madison; she doesn’t want her baby made in a lab. She’s going to do it the old-fashioned way.”
“I also know how stubborn Madison is. She’s going to get her way eventually.”
“So you think I should get used to the idea?”
“Yeah, start figuring out what color to paint the nursery.”
We share a laugh at that. We both understand how Maddy’s wired. She’s very headstrong when she wants to be. She’s also very sweet when she wants to be. And very loyal. She stuck with Grace all this time, despite how Grace and I betrayed her. It seems impossible she could be related to me. “She’s going to be a really good mom,” I say.
“Probably.” Grace forces a smile. “Does that make me the father?”
“Kids can have two mothers.”
“But I wouldn’t be the same. I mean, I wouldn’t be the birth mother.”
“You could have a kid too. Figure out some guy you want to fuck.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Don’t want to ruin your perfect figure?”
“I don’t think I could handle all that throwing up and bloating and stuff.”
“Me either.”
“Didn’t you ever want to with Dr. Macintosh?”
“Sometimes I thought about it, but it wasn’t really possible. All that FY-1978. Who knows what it would do to a kid?”
“Maddy still has some of that in her, doesn’t she?”
“I don’t know. I think by now it’s down to trace amounts.”
“But even a trace could do something.”
“Then I guess you’ve got yourself a new argument.”
“That means she’ll want me to have the kid.”
I lean back on the bed and sigh. “Life is really fucked up sometimes, isn’t it? A couple hours ago we were playing Monopoly with Clarita and now Jake’s shot and we’re talking about having babies.”
“Pretty fucked up,” Grace says. She gets up from the gurney. “I’m going to check on Madison and Mrs. Madigan. I’ll let you know where they put him.”
“Thanks.”
She closes the door softly behind her. Life is pretty fucked up indeed.
***
They move Jake into a room in intensive care. Woods and Jefferson are still there to see how much trouble they’ll get into for allowing Jake to be shot and the suspect to go free. That means I have to keep to my room in the pediatric ward. From what Grace tells me, Tess gets to see him for a few minutes, long enough for her to see he’s all right.
I think about how hard it is for her right now. I remember too when Mac asked me once if I had a death wish. He theorized I went to Lennox alone that night because I subconsciously hoped to die. In which case I got my wish. He asked me then if Jake had a death wish and I said no because he had Tess to think about. But right now I’m not so sure. A sane man wouldn’t charge into a room with the Skinhead Strangler backed up by two assholes like Woods and Jefferson.
Maybe it was a wish to be a hero or maybe it was a death wish. I don’t know. I’m sick of thinking about it. This isn’t the kind of shit Steve Fischer does well. Steve is a lot better at charging into rooms after psychotic killers. Maybe it’s time to get on that.
I find another set of scrubs. This time I take a mask to put over my face, so only my eyes will be visible. Woods and Jefferson aren’t known for their observational powers, so they probably won’t notice anything.
When I get to the intensive care area, I see Tess sitting rigidly in a chair; Maddy holds her hand. As her “grandchild,” Madison is as close to family as Tess has right now. Grace is next to Maddy; Clarita leans against her and dozes. Before long Grace will have to take Clarita home to get some proper sleep; this is too late for a little girl to be up, especially a little girl who might have another growth spurt any time now.
Woods sits in a corner and checks something on his phone. He looks like he just came from a black-tie event in his dark suit and purple shirt. Stupid bastard; he should have been the one to eat a bullet, except he was too cowardly. He was probably behind Jake, to use him for a shield.
I don’t see that fat bastard Jefferson. He’s probably down at the candy machine or the cafeteria to feed his face. As the biggest target, why couldn’t Vollmer have hit him? W
hy did it have to be my best friend instead of those two oafs?
I’m about to open Jake’s door when Woods looks up. “Who are you?” he asks.
“Nurse.” I add in a bad Russian accent, “Time to check his catheter bag. You want to watch me?”
I know how fastidious Woods is; his nose wrinkles at the thought of what might be in the catheter bag. “Knock yourself out,” he says.
Bloody hell. If I were Vollmer, I could just stroll in here, find a set of scrubs, and finish what she started. Maybe I can find a bodyguard to hire for Jake, someone competent. More expedient would simply be to find Vollmer and put a few bullets in her.
I slip into the room. Jake looks about the same as I last saw him, except he’s got a tube in his nose and he wears a hospital gown. The blanket covers his shoulder so I can’t see the wound. Not that I have much interest in that anyway.
I lean down and put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey buddy,” I say. “It’s Steve. I know what I told you about not getting into the action hero business anymore. But Stacey made that promise. So I’m going to find Vollmer and I’m going to put her fucking head on a pike for you.”
He doesn’t wake up, which isn’t a surprise since he’s still doped up on painkillers. I look around the room, but there’s not much to it. Just his bed, the machines, a chair, a TV, and the four walls. There’s a closet in the one corner too. I slide the closet door open and see a box with Jake’s stuff in it. They took the gun and badge, of course. His car keys are still there. I snatch those; they might come in handy. I take his wallet too so I finally have some ID. Jake and I aren’t twins, but we’re both men in our fifties with a receding hairline. Anyone who looks at his driver’s license will probably think he put on a little weight since the photo was taken.
I hurry out of the room. I go into the waiting room and make sure Tess and Maddy see me. I give them a wink before I walk over to the elevator.
As I figured, Jefferson is down in the cafeteria. I sit down at his table and then pull down my mask. “Hey Jefferson,” I say.
“Who the fuck are you?” he asks between bites.
Chances Are Omnibus (Gender Swap Fiction) Page 83