‘Huh?’ I asked, looking up at him whilst clipping a lead to Rooney’s collar.
‘Why’s he in here?’
‘Oh.’ I explained about the size issue. ‘But he’s fully grown now so he won’t get any bigger. And there are plenty of people who will want him. Because you’re a sweetheart, aren’t you?’ I said, nuzzling my face close to the dog’s, which he reciprocated, speeding up his tail and giving Michael’s leg a good thwack in the process.
I pulled my head up, just in time to catch him wince.
‘Oh no, I’m sorry. Is it still bruised from the accident?’
‘It’s all right,’ he brushed it off, watching me.
‘What?’
‘I’m thinking you should have Rooney.’
I handed him the lead. ‘If I took every dog I’ve ever wanted out of here, I’d need a vastly bigger place than the broom cupboard I currently live in. Besides, I’m not home enough with my job and I can’t take a dog into people’s homes. Some would be fine, but some people don’t like dogs or are allergic or whatever. It just isn’t feasible unfortunately. Which is why I get my pooch fix like this.’
We walked out of the block and I opened the gate that led into the fields next to the centre. Michael pulled his baseball cap down a little more.
‘You could do with a woolly hat to keep your ears warm. Let me see if there’s – ’
Michael caught my arm. ‘My ears are just fine. Now just relax and walk with me and this damn dog you’ve dragged me down here to see.’
***
‘I can’t believe how anyone could give him up.’
‘I don’t think it was an easy decision. Mark said the kids practically had to be peeled off him when they left.’
Michael shook his head. ‘Jesus. I don’t envy the parents living with that for a while. Janey had to throw away one of Lily’s dolls when its head broke off and you should have seen the drama! I can’t imagine taking away a living, breathing friend like this.’
We had paused for a moment and were sat side by side on a fallen tree. The dog was lying in front of us, playing with the ball we’d brought along and which Michael had been throwing for him, wearing both of them out.
The light was fading a little now and the air becoming damp and heavy. They’d predicted snow for this afternoon which hadn’t arrived but it was looking now like the forecast had just been a little off in its timing. But a part of me didn’t want to move from here. Even though my bum was getting cold and I was losing feeling in my fingertips. I wanted to stay, breathing in the clean air, feeling joy from watching the dog tap the ball away with his nose and then slap a paw on it to roll it back, and sensing the solid bulk of Michael sat next to me, his knee brushing against mine as he moved to lean and give the dog a pat.
‘We’d better head back if we’re going to beat that.’ Michael’s voice broke into my thoughts. I followed his gaze to the sky and nodded. He hadn’t said anything about taking the dog home. But I’d had a feeling about Rooney and that had only been confirmed by how Michael’s whole demeanour had changed the moment he’d crouched and called the dog in the kennel. The tenseness in his jaw, the way he held his shoulders- the moment he connected with that dog, it all dissipated. And I knew he felt it too.
As we got back to the kennel block, Michael handed me the lead.
‘Can I meet you in the car? I missed a call and I need to call them back.’ He bent over Rooney and gave him a cuddle. ‘See ya buddy.’ And with that, he strode off back towards the entrance.
I watched him go, stunned. The longer we had spent with the dog, the more sure I was that Michael felt that same way as me- that he too knew this was the right thing for him. The dog loved him, he loved the dog and could provide a wonderful home for him. What more did he want? I looked down. Rooney was watching the retreating figure. When Michael turned the corner and disappeared from sight, the dog looked up at me, and gave the smallest whine. At which point I, most unexpectedly, burst into tears.
‘I’m so sorry puppy,’ I said, as I finished towelling off his fur and fluffing up his bed and blankets. ‘But you know what? It’s his loss and you’re going to find a lovely home very, very soon.’ I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him to me. He snuggled his head into my shoulder and I felt the tears start again. He was a great dog and I knew this was the last time I’d see him. By the time I was back in he’d have a new home. But I was also sad at the missed opportunity for Michael. I wanted to be angry at him but I couldn’t. Like Mark said, and like I knew to be true, it had to be the right time. I’d thought it was the right time but maybe it wasn’t only Michael who could be arrogant at times. Perhaps I’d assumed I’d known more than I had, even if it had been meant with the best of intentions.
‘I can finish up here.’ Mark’s voice made me jump.
‘I’m pretty much done,’
‘OK. Your friend is out waiting for you. Probably best to go now, before the weather sets in.’
I nodded. ‘Yes. Right. OK. Bye then Rooney. You be a good boy now.’ I bent and kissed the top of his head and then walked out of the kennel. As I turned to lock the door, he was looking up at me, his head resting on the edge of the bed.
‘Shit,’ I whispered, my voice cracking.
Chapter Thirteen
‘It’s all right.’ Mark squeezed my shoulders as I did my best not to cry in front of him. ‘He’s going to be just fine, I promise.’
I nodded. ‘Yep, I know. I was just…so sure.’
‘I know. Now, go on before he leaves without you.’
‘That’s not beyond the realms of possibility, so I better had.’
‘See you next week.’
I gave him a quick hug and did a fast walk to the car park, where the pickup’s engine was now running. Pulling open the door, I jumped in and grabbed the seat belt, quickly plugging it in.
‘Sorry. Had a couple of things to do.’
‘No problem.’ Michael put a hand on the gearstick and then shifted a little in his seat. ‘You OK?’
‘Mmmhmm.’ I nodded, pasting a smile on. ‘It’s nice and warm in here.’
Michael’s hand curved around the gearstick, then uncurled again. I looked up at him.
‘He’ll be OK, you know.’
‘Huh? Oh yes! I know! Of course I know!’ I made light of it. ‘It was just a suggestion anyway. And it was nice to get out of the city and have a walk anyway, wasn’t it?’
‘It was. And thanks for lunch.’
‘I didn’t pay.’
‘You kind of did, in a way.’
I brushed my jeans, the stains obvious. It was a hell of a good job I wasn’t trying to impress Michael O’Farrell because between the serving disaster, stained jeans, frozen nose and what I was pretty sure now were at least marginally puffy eyes, I would most definitely have failed.
‘Worse things happen at sea and all that.’
‘That is true.’ Selecting reverse, he backed the truck out of the car park and headed back in the direction of London.
We’d only been going about five minutes when Michael started smiling. Obviously I was way more upset about leaving the dog behind than he was. But remembering that I was supposed to not be taking this to heart, I went along with it.
‘What are you smiling at?’ I asked.
‘You.’
Now I frowned, suspicious. ‘Me? Why?’
‘You’re making me hungry.’
‘What?’ I squeaked, scooching around in my seat to face him. My reply seemed to amuse him even more.
‘Calm down. It’s your jeans. The warmth from the car is bringing out the food smell in your clothing again. You smell edible.’
‘Ha ha.’
We drove for a few more minutes in silence before Michael spoke.
‘Katie look, I really appreciate what you – ’
My phone started ringing, cutting him off. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, fishing it out of my jacket. I checked the screen: Calum.
‘Hi!’
‘Hi babe. I’m so sorry I haven’t called. Work’s been so crazy.’
‘That’s OK. I’ve been pretty busy here too anyway. Are you back?’
‘I am. I wondered if you wanted to get together? I thought as I’ve been so crap lately I’d splash out on a nice room somewhere.’
‘Are the builders still working on your house?’
‘Yeah. They’ve only gone and put down the wrong flooring whilst I was away. Can you believe it? So it’s going to be even longer now before I get rid of them.’
‘I don’t mind the mess, really.’
‘No, I know. But I don’t want you to see it all like this. I want to show it to you all perfect and finished. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer.’
‘OK. But you don’t need to get a room. You can just come to my flat.’
‘Too late. It’s all booked. And dinner. Can you meet me at the restaurant at seven? I’d come and pick you up but this way is much easier.’
For you.
‘When?’
‘Tomorrow, of course!’ he laughed.
‘Oh. I wasn’t sure when you were back exactly. I have an appointment. I’ll have to see what I can do.’
‘But it’s all booked, babe.’
‘I know Calum. I’m sorry. I will try but I can’t arrange things around you if I don’t know when you’re going to be here.’
‘We’re not going to go over that again, are we? You know I’m swamped with work.’
‘No,’ I said, quietly, acutely aware that in the confines of the pickup’s cab, Michael could likely hear every word. ‘I’m just saying…look. I’ll sort something out, OK? Which restaurant is it?’
‘Marco’s.’
‘OK. I’ll meet you there at seven tomorrow.’
‘I’ll make it up to you.’ His voice dropped, ‘I promise.’ I heard something in the background. ‘OK. Got to go. Looking forward to it, babe.’
‘Yes. I –’ But he was already gone.
Michael drove on and although neither of us said a word, I had a feeling we were both thinking a similar thing: The appointment I’d mentioned to Calum was with Michael and scheduled from three until seven. I calculated how long it would take me to get home, change, then get to the restaurant. Way too long. I could squash a dress in my bag, change in the loo at the station and then…I was still going to be late but…
‘We can reschedule tomorrow, if you like.’
I turned my head.
Michael shrugged, his gaze flicking to me briefly. ‘Sorry. Kind of hard not to hear.’
I shook my head. ‘No. It’s fine. And no, I’m not cancelling on you. Absolutely not. He has to realise that I’m not at his beck and call.’
‘Right.’ ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘What? All I said was “right”.’
‘It was the way you said it.’
‘Jesus,’ he sighed. ‘Look, just finish a bit earlier with me. You can change at my place and then still get to the restaurant in time to meet him.’
I looked out of the window, but the darkness now fallen meant I saw little but my own face reflecting back at me.
‘At least he didn’t just turn up tonight and see me looking like this.’
Michael pulled up at a red light and looked over, his brow furrowed. ‘Like what?’
I waved my hands over my face and clothing. ‘This.’
‘You look perfectly…fine.’ The light changed and he found first gear a little more forcefully than he had on previous times. ‘If he can’t see that then the man’s an idiot. Oh, that’s right. He is.’
I threw my hands up. ‘How can you say that? You don’t even know him!’
‘I know all I need to know. He calls and you jump. And apparently expects you to be perfectly dressed and fully made-up whenever he does.’
‘It’s not like that,’ I replied, although there was less conviction in my voice than I had intended.
‘Right,’ he said again.
From the corner of my eye I saw the streetlights flash across us, briefly illuminating Michael’s face with each pass. His jaw was tight and his hands gripped the wheel more intently than they had on the way down. He rolled his neck and, as if sensing my thoughts, flexed his long fingers from the wheel. It was clear neither one of us was going to break the silence, so I rested my head on the window and stared out past my reflection, into the darkness beyond.
‘I’m sorry to have wasted your time today,’ I said, as Michael pulled up outside my flat. ‘I got a little carried away.’
‘You didn’t waste my time. It was good to get out.’ He stopped the engine.
I nodded and gave a tight smile. ‘Right then. I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.’
‘Katie wait.’ Michael’s hand caught my arm as I reached for the door catch. He ran the other hand over his face and gave his overgrown stubble a scratch. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything about your boyfriend.’
I gave a small smile, preparing to accept the apology.
‘How you let him treat you is none of my business.’
The smile left my face.
‘Excuse me?’
‘What?’ he asked, looking at me.
‘Is that your idea of an apology?’
Michael’s face remained blank.
‘You know what?’ I said, grabbing for the catch. ‘You’re pretty unbelievable!’
‘Now what I have done?’ He sat back, apparently genuinely perplexed.
‘That fact that you don’t even know what you’ve done is just – ’
‘Don’t give me that “if you don’t know what you’ve done” shit. You’re better than that and you’re usually not afraid to tell me when I’ve fucked up. Which, by the way, is something you ought to try on your so-called boyfriend. Because from where I’m sitting, he’s treating you like crap and yet you never pull him up on it!’
‘So much for you feeling that you shouldn’t be commenting on my love life! That didn’t last very long, did it?’
‘Maybe because I wasn’t actually sorry in the first place, but felt I ought to say it because for some reason I felt bad for upsetting you!’
‘Maybe because you thought I’d run and tell your sister on you? Well, don’t worry. I had no plans to do that, so feel free to say what you think. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself. This is between you and me, and whatever I think of you and your misplaced opinions, I would never tell tales to your family. But it’s nice to know that you think I would!’
‘That’s not why I said it. I didn’t think you’d be “telling tales” at all. Besides, it wouldn’t really make any difference bearing in mind Janey has the same opinion of this Colin bloke as I do.’
‘Calum! His name is Calum! And really? You’re going to sit there and lecture about the right way to treat women?’
‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’
‘You think he’s using me?’
‘I don’t know what he thinks he’s doing. But I think he’s getting it easy, with you just being there when it suits him.’ He held up a hand, as I made to protest. ‘And yes, I know, I know, he’s busy. Jesus, Katie we’re all busy but that doesn’t mean you go weeks without seeing someone you care about if you can help it!’
‘He can’t help it. Don’t you get it?’
‘Kate. He’s in feckin’ sales not a war zone! Believe me, he can help it.’
I felt my chest heaving and unwrapped my scarf, suddenly hot in the cab of the pickup. Michael turned his head towards the side window, away from me.
‘What did you mean about me and the way I treat women?’ He looked back at me. His jaw was set, the street lights casting deep shadows on his face – the only illumination now that the interior light had flicked off, its time up. ‘You think I use women?’
‘I should go.’
‘I want to know.’ His voice was soft, questioning. ‘Is that really what you think of me?’
‘Does it even matter what I think Michael?’ I was sudd
enly so tired, and the slight headache I’d had at the start of the journey was now building into something a lot more intense.
‘Yes, in this case.’
‘Why?’
‘Because, although I don’t give a shit about what a lot of people think about me, I do, for some reason, care if you think I’m some misogynistic user of women. Because I’m not.’
‘OK.’
‘OK? Is that it?’
‘What do you want me to say?’
‘I want you to say what you really think! I’m not Colin or Calum or whatever the hell he’s called. You don’t just have to agree with every word I say.’
‘Good. Because, believe me, that is never going to happen!’ I yanked on the door catch, ready to make my dramatic exit. Which would have been perfect except for the fact that I’d forgotten to undo my seat belt and instead ended up practically winding myself as the belt retracted against my exit force.’
‘Shit!’ I squeaked.
Michael pressed the seat belt button and it released itself, and me, from tension. I got out, slamming the door behind me and stalked around the vehicle towards the entrance to the flats. Unfortunately, Michael was also out of the car. And in my way.
‘I’d like to go in. Excuse me.’
‘You think because I don’t have relationships that I don’t value women?’
I looked up at him. ‘Michael you admit yourself that you don’t see the same woman more than once. Twice if she’s lucky. Your bedroom is completely devoid of anything that would tell said woman anything about you and you also admit that you don’t show them the rest of the house. The whole point of you even going to speak to a woman is for you to have sex with her. That’s it. You’ve absolutely no intention of showing any of them who you really are. It’s about finding someone to fulfil a basic need. So if that constitutes me thinking you’re using them, then yes, you’re right. I do think that! Now, can I go please?’
‘No.’
‘What?’
‘Did you ever stop to think that the women I sleep with are using me for exactly the same purpose?’
‘If you think you’re going to turn this into a sympathy vote, then you’ve got another think coming.’
‘Believe me, I don’t. And I don’t want to. I’m just saying that, in every instance, it’s two consenting adults. I’m absolutely always upfront about what I’m not looking for, i.e. something that goes beyond that night or maybe that weekend. The women I hook up with are looking for exactly the same thing I am. There’s no way I’d hit on someone…someone like you for example.’
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