by Stacy Henrie
Or maybe it was to prove that to himself.
Either way, he wasn’t leaving. He’d come here seeking help and now he’d give it in return. Only then would he be able to leave with a clear conscience.
* * *
Ravena knelt on the rug beside the sofa for her nightly prayers—she’d insisted Tex continue to use her room until he was fully recovered. Exhaustion haunted her, and it stemmed from far more than plowing the field earlier that day before Tex had taken over. This fatigue was born from trying to navigate things with him. He’d spoken the truth when he had teased her about looking for rain when there was no sign of it. But she still believed his being here might prove as much a burden as a blessing.
“Lord,” she whispered as she shut her eyes. “I’m afraid of him staying longer, even though I need his help.”
A memory she hadn’t recalled since her grandfather’s funeral entered her thoughts and pushed at her fears. It was something Grandfather had said years earlier, after another long cry over Tex’s silence. “Remember that the Lord has got this in His hands, Ravena. He’s got you.”
Isn’t that what the Lord was trying to show her now, by bringing Tex here and having him offer to help with the planting? She might not understand all of the reasons for his sudden appearance in her life, but she had enough faith to understand that trusting God didn’t always make sense.
Feeling a bit more at peace, she began to pray for each of the children by name and for the strength to keep going. She started to climb to her feet when she remembered Fanny’s sweet prayer at supper and how the little girl had prayed for Tex. Fanny wasn’t the first one to have prayed for him since his arrival. In contrast, it had been years since Ravena had prayed for him.
She lowered herself to her knees once more and folded her arms, her heart knocking faster against her ribs. The Lord has got this in His hands, Ravena, she reminded herself. He’s got you.
“You know how hard this is for me, Lord. Having Tex here after all this time.” Her voice wobbled with emotion, but she forged ahead. “I do still care for him, though. And so I ask You...” She swallowed hard. “Please bless him too.”
* * *
Tex slipped upstairs, grateful his stocking feet made no noise. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. Feeling thirsty, he’d decided to head to the kitchen for a drink of water. He’d heard Ravena’s voice as he started down the stairs and had assumed she was talking to one of the children in the parlor. But he’d paused on the second step when he’d discovered she was praying. For him.
Rubbing his hand over his face, he crept back to his room and sat on the bed, his thoughts as stirred up as the dust in a windstorm. Why had two people prayed for him tonight? First Fanny, then Ravena. Of course Ravena had also expressed how difficult his being here was for her—a realization that physically pained him to hear her say out loud. And yet she’d still asked God to bless him. Why? More important, why did both their prayers give him a hopeful feeling deep down in his gut? It was a feeling he both welcomed and feared.
It was likely just the pull of being connected to someone or something, like what he’d felt at first being around Quincy and his cronies. But this...emotion...wasn’t the same, he realized. Deep down he’d felt desperate and lonely, even after befriending Quincy.
As an outlaw, he’d always worked alone—unable to find any comrades who would hold to his rules of never harming women or children. With Quincy, he hadn’t been looking for someone he could trust or rely on—just someone to keep the loneliness at bay for a few hours.
Tonight he felt something akin to familiarity and comfort. It reminded him of the time his mother would pull out the winter quilts each year and he and Tate would burrow into the familiar cozy warmth.
That was it, he felt cozy.
Tex climbed back into bed, no longer thirsty. “I’m not coming back,” he whispered fiercely in the direction of the ceiling. “They can pray for me all they like. But I’m not coming back to You or them. I picked my course and it’s the one I’m happy with. So don’t go blessing me and expecting I’ll return.”
Releasing a huff of irritation, he turned on his good side. But he couldn’t help wondering as he shut his eyes why he’d bothered talking to Someone he’d told himself a long time ago he no longer cared about.
Chapter Five
Pushing up his hat, Tex swiped at his sweaty brow with his sleeve. His side didn’t ache as much today, in spite of driving the plow and team for the last few hours, thanks to Ravena’s poultice last night. But he could still tell he wasn’t completely back to full health. There’d been a time when half a day of regular farm work hadn’t worked up this much sweat and exhaustion in him.
He lifted the reins of the horses to start them moving again when he caught sight of Ravena walking toward him. The sight of a covered dish and a canteen in her hands prompted a tired smile. It must be time for lunch. The horses could use another rest too. Ducking into the shade of a nearby tree, Tex removed his hat and waited for her approach.
“You’re almost done,” Ravena commented as she came to a stop beside him. “Only one more field to plow.”
“Then it’s on to spring planting.”
She nodded. “Here’s your lunch and some water.”
“Thanks.” Tex accepted the canteen from her before downing a throatful of the cool liquid. Brushing the lingering moisture from his mouth, he took a seat on the ground and settled the covered dish on his knee. “Did you eat already?”
“Yes.” He expected her to leave, to retreat to the house, but instead she lingered.
“Care to sit for a spell?” he asked, patting the dirt next to him.
Her upper lip pressed in on the bottom one, but after a moment, she took a seat next to him on the ground. “It’s rather warm today.” She lifted her long dark hair off her neck and shut her eyes.
Tex uncovered his lunch, but he couldn’t help glancing at her once, then twice. Light and shadow chased each other across her face and the slight breeze ruffled the hair along her cheekbones. He’d always thought her pretty—inside and out. Even when they’d been younger. And yet there was a graceful, sophisticated quality to her beauty now that hadn’t been there eight years ago.
Looking away, he bit into one of the hard boiled eggs she’d made him. “So how long have these kids been with you?” he asked after swallowing.
Ravena leaned against the tree trunk. “Let’s see. Mark and Luke came to the farm two years ago. Jacob and Fanny have only been here six months, and Ginny has lived here a year.”
“She doesn’t say much, does she?”
A slight frown pulled at her mouth as she shook her head. “No, she doesn’t. She used to have awful nightmares, though they aren’t as frequent now. I don’t know what happened to her and she’s not saying, but I hate the thought of anyone mistreating her. She’s such a good girl, very smart and respectful. She’s a real help to me in the kitchen. And I will say, the quiet makes it downright peaceful when we’re cooking together while the others do their chores.”
Tex took another bite and swallowed. “Now Fanny on the other hand...”
“Can talk a streak when she wants to, I know.” Ravena gave a light laugh. “And then Mark and Luke are double the trouble sometimes.”
“Reminds me of two other boys who used to live around here.”
She shot him guarded look, but it soon relaxed into a smile. “I’ve thought the same. Although, unlike Tate, Mark is more the instigator of the fun.”
“That would not be Tate.” Tex smirked. “He was usually wound tighter than a spool of thread and as humorous as a porcupine.” It was the wrong thing to say. He saw it at once in the way Ravena’s shoulders stiffened.
She scooted a few inches away from him, putting more distance between them. “Please don’t speak ill of him, Tex. I know things were str
ained between the two of you at the end. But he’s done far more to help me than you may know.”
His gut twisted with apprehension—and jealousy, if he was honest with himself. “What do you mean by that?” he asked, far more casually than he felt. Had his brother come back to see Ravena?
Plucking up one tiny flower and then another, she began plaiting them together. Tex remembered how she’d done that as a girl. Then insisted he or Tate or both of them wear her homemade “crowns.” Tex and his brother would protest at first, but eventually they’d give in to Ravena’s big, pleading eyes. “Before he left for good, he came to apologize. For what he felt was his part in...in that night.”
So Tate had apologized to Ravena? Well, Tex was glad to hear it. Although his brother hadn’t seen fit to apologize to him too. And did you? his conscience prodded. Tex frowned. What about this place was nudging his inner moral compass to start yapping at him again?
“He’s also sent me money through the years,” Ravena added, her tone full of gratitude.
Tex choked on his next bite and hurried to wash it down with water from the canteen. Why did Ravena think Tate had been the one to send her money? Unless perhaps his twin had been mailing her cash too.
“That’s awfully generous,” he remarked. “Did he send it in a letter or something?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “There’s never been a return address, though most of the postal marks have been from Texas. Just a plain envelope with a little money inside. It helped us pull through more than once.”
At her words, Tex felt like he could breathe again. She was describing the envelopes he’d mailed her, which meant the little bit of money coming to the farm was from him. Not Tate. Why then did Ravena suspect his twin of the generosity and not him?
“You sweet on him again like you were when you were fifteen?” he asked before downing more water. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer, and yet, he needed to know.
There’d been a time before Tex had won Ravena’s heart completely when she’d been sure she was smitten with Tate. As for Tate, he’d been awfully interested in her himself—though he hadn’t been very good at showing it. Mixed signals and hurt feelings had ended Ravena’s fascination back then, and Tex had been careful to make sure he was there to step in. But when he was gone, perhaps those old feelings had sprung up once more.
Storm clouds flashed in her dark brown eyes, making him wince inwardly. “That is no longer any of your business, Tex.”
Remorse coursed through him. It was another emotion he hadn’t felt in a long time. “I only meant—”
“I know what you meant,” she snapped. “And no, I’m not sweet on him like I was then. Although...” She dropped her flower chain to the ground and lifted her dress-clad knees. “You ought to know that I did ask him before he left if he thought we could try again.” She leveled Tex with a stern look as if daring him to challenge such a decision. He kept his mouth shut. “But Tate said no.”
Tex shifted uneasily on the ground, wishing he’d never brought up his brother. This conversation was pushing him down a rocky path he wasn’t comfortable traversing, now or maybe ever.
Still he felt compelled to ask, “Did Tate give you a reason?”
It was Ravena’s turn to appear ill at ease. “He said he didn’t think he and I could have what you and I once did.” The truth behind his brother’s admission clouded the air between them with thick silence.
Tex tried to think of some way to lighten it, but he came up empty. Anything he said would likely anger her further or prompt her to dig even deeper into the past—and Tex couldn’t abide either.
Thankfully Ravena spoke first. “I’m grateful for your help with the plowing. We’ll be spring planting much sooner than I’d thought after that last hired hand quit.”
“You’re welcome.” Tex wrapped up the rest of his lunch to save for later. He wasn’t sure how much more he could stomach, of the food or this conversation. “I guess you can take the boy from the farm but not the farm out of the boy, huh?”
A light laugh accompanied his weak joke. “Is that what you did all of these years? Farming?” Why did she sound less curious and more suspicious?
Despite the temperate day and his earlier exertion, a sudden shiver rocked through him. “Uh, no,” he said, putting his hat back on and standing. He hoped his vague answer would head off the dangerous turn to their conversation.
Ravena stood as well, but she didn’t make a move to leave or stop talking. “I suppose I’m not entirely surprised. You never did love farming in the same way Tate did.”
He shot her a thin smile of agreement.
“So if you weren’t farming, what were you doing these last eight years?”
Ice-cold panic gripped his throat, cutting off any words. Ravena couldn’t learn of his outlawing career. At least not until he was far away from here. Even then, he didn’t like to think of her hating him once she found out.
Tex coughed to clear his throat of the fear. “I drifted here and there.” Which was true. “Didn’t ever really settle in one place for long.”
She studied him a moment, which only increased his uneasiness. “That sounds rather lonely, even for a bachelor.”
Feigning an indifferent shrug, he stepped toward the horses. “It was a nice way to see places I never would’ve seen otherwise.” Another truth. “Thanks again for the lunch, Ravena. Better get back to plowing the field. It isn’t going to do it on its own.” His laugh sounded wholly forced, even to himself.
Her brow pinched together, but he walked away to escape seeing any more of her reaction. Avoid conversations about the past, he told himself, as he gathered the reins once more and urged the horses to walk on. It was the only way to stick around and not reveal the truth.
* * *
She’d made it through another awkward conversation with Tex. Ravena wanted to shout the victory to the world. Instead she decided to celebrate by walking down the road to meet the children coming home from school. It was a luxury she hadn’t been able to afford while she’d played nursemaid, run the farm, and tried to finish the plowing all on her own. But now with Tex’s help...
That help still comes with a price. She’d do well to remember that.
Things were far from simple with Tex around. She hadn’t intended to bring up Tate or question Tex about the past either, but the words had slipped largely unbidden from her lips.
There were still things she didn’t understand about Tex—why he’d felt he hadn’t deserved her or what exactly he’d been doing as he’d wandered from one place to another. She didn’t think a drifter would have as much money as she’d seen inside his saddlebag. And yet, the more she poked at the past, the more she was liable to get hurt again.
She folded her arms against a sudden shiver, though the sun warmed the dirt road in front and behind her. Maybe holding back any more questions about the past was the smarter course of action.
Shading her eyes, she smiled as she saw the children come tromping up the road. She’d given up her girlhood dreams of marrying and having a family of her own, and yet, she loved these orphans every bit as much as she imagined she would have any children she might have birthed herself.
As usual Mark was in the lead followed closely by Luke. Ginny took up the middle, while Jacob hung back with his sister to accommodate Fanny’s shorter steps.
“Miss Ravena,” Mark hollered with a vigorous wave when he saw her. She waved back.
“How was school?” she asked as the group drew closer.
As usual all of them began talking at once, with the exception of Ginny. Ravena shook her head with a laugh, realizing her own foolishness in asking a question they would all wish to answer. “Let’s start with Fanny, since she’s the youngest, and everyone can have a turn.”
Fanny grinned and began chattering abo
ut recess and eating lunch outside. Then each of the other children took their turns, regaling Ravena with experiences from the day. Even Ginny proudly announced she’d been the only one in her grade to get all of the spelling words correct.
After everyone had a chance to share, Mark, Ginny, Fanny and Jacob hurried toward the house, eager for a slice of the bread she told them was waiting. Luke hung back though, to Ravena’s surprise. He was rarely far from Mark’s side.
“What is it, Luke?”
He slipped his hand into hers in a spontanteous show of affection, and Ravena’s heart swelled. “I have to bring something to school on Monday to show the class.”
“Ah. And what do you want to bring?”
Kicking at a rock with the toe of his shoe, he shrugged. “I don’t know. I want to bring something really neat though, Miss Ravena. ’Cause Ollie in my grade, he keeps saying I don’t have anything neat ’cause I’m an orphan.”
Ravena squeezed his hand and bit back an unkind remark about Ollie. “Are you sad about what he said?”
Luke’s thin shoulders lifted in a shrug. “Naw. Just mad.”
“I think I’d feel mad too,” she pretended to confide in a loud whisper, coaxing a small smile from Luke. “Do you think Ollie’s right? That you don’t have anything neat?”
The boy’s face scrunched in thought. “No. ’Cause I got you and Mark and Ginny and Fanny and Jacob. And Mr. Beckett now too.”
Ravena nodded in agreement. “That’s a good list.”
Suddenly Luke tugged her to a stop. “Do you think Mr. Beckett would be my thing to share with the class?”
She pressed her lips over a laugh when she realized he was in earnest. “That would be very neat, Luke. But I don’t think Mr. Beckett will be able to stop plowing to come to school.”