by Stacy Henrie
His head dropped lower to his chest as Tex kept praying. “I’ve apologized to Ravena and tried to make amends. I’ve apologized to my father too, and someday, I hope to do the same with Tate. Which means there’s just one more apology to make right now. And that’s to You, Lord.”
Memories of all his heists paraded through his mind and increased the weightiness inside his chest. “I’m so sorry.” His shoulders began to shake as tears slid down his face. “I’m sorry for every wrong thing I did after leaving here and for all the wrong things I did before that. I’m sorry for abandoning Ravena and Tate. I’m sorry for blaming my choices on my brother and my father. On everyone but myself.” He pulled in a great, shaky breath. “Please forgive me, Lord.”
Tex let the tears run their course, though he kept his eyes shut tight. After a few minutes, he opened them to stare unseeing at the stream. He might not feel drastically different, but he did feel lighter and less burdened.
You need to forgive yourself too. The thought came unbidden and quiet, sounding more like his mother’s voice this time, and Tex felt the truthful power in it. Could he forgive himself? Could he let go of his self-loathing over his mistakes?
“I want to, Lord,” he whispered. “But I’ve got to know that I matter enough to forgive myself.”
He stayed there, oblivious to time, as he searched his heart and thought back over his misdeeds. This time, though, they didn’t bring the same intensity of pain. He still felt sorrow but not the old unshakable ache. And beneath the grief, he felt something he hadn’t for years—maybe not since he’d sat here talking to Ezra as a boy. He felt peace. A warm yet solid peace that rose above his regret.
He was worth saving. A grin lifted one side of Tex’s mouth. He was worth saving and loving, not because Ravena or his mother believed him to be but because he and God believed it.
Scrubbing his hands over his face, he let out a grateful chuckle. Ezra had been right about God not abandoning him, and now Tex knew it too.
“There’s just one thing left to do, Lord.” And it would likely prove to be the hardest. “Help me know how to make things right.”
He knew from his long-ago days in church and listening to his mother share her faith that it wouldn’t be enough to simply give up being an outlaw. To make things fully right, he had to restore what he’d taken. But how?
Ruminating on that, he climbed to his feet. He’d figure out a way to make all that he could right again. In the meantime, he’d wait for Ravena’s answer as to whether he could stay or not. Even not knowing her answer though, it wasn’t worry or pain that filled him as he headed back out to the fields. It was hope. And that was something he hadn’t dared believe he could ever feel again.
* * *
Ravena returned from the school to an empty house. With more space now, the rooms seemed to echo with greater silence than they had in her old home. Thankfully there was no sign of Tex. She needed to think, to make a decision, and she couldn’t do that with him close by.
Lunchtime came and went without him making an appearance. Had he left, in spite of what he’d promised? She went to the barn and found Brutus still inside his stall. She didn’t know if she felt relieved or disappointed by that fact. If Tex had up and left again, then she wouldn’t have to decide if she wanted him to stay or not.
She tried to occupy her mind by throwing herself into her regular chores around the house and yard, but she couldn’t concentrate. When she’d gone outside for the second time and couldn’t remember what she planned to do, she gave in to the physical and emotional exhaustion pressing down on her. She trudged upstairs to lie down on her bed. Perhaps a nap would help.
Sleep wasn’t any easier to find than her focus had been. Her thoughts swirled endlessly, always coming back to land on the moment when Tex had confirmed he was the Texas Titan. Touching her cheeks, Ravena realized she’d begun to cry. She covered her face in her pillow and sobbed out all the grief, anger and pain of the last two days.
She wasn’t sure she could live with Tex nearby. And yet, she couldn’t imagine her life without him now. The tears slowed as she drove a fist into the pillow. Her heart felt as if it were splitting in two all over again—just as it had the night he’d left her behind.
She’d foolishly given him her trust again, only to learn he was an outlaw. How could she have been so deceived? Should she not have trusted him after all?
The answer to her latter question wasn’t hard to find. Deep down, beneath the pain and anger, she felt the quiet, insistent truth. She’d trusted Tex a second time because he’d earned that trust throughout his time at the farm. Helping with the planting and the house, interacting with each of the children, listening to their Bible reading and coming to church for what she suspected was the first time in years. All of those things together, however small, had engendered her trust in him bit by bit, until she’d been ready to have him stay for good. To consider sharing a future with him as his wife.
Lifting her face, she stared at the windowsill where she’d placed the raven he’d carved for her. The beautiful gift reminded her of their conversation from the other day. She’d told Tex he was worth saving and she’d meant it. But did the same hold true for him now that she’d discovered he was an outlaw?
Ravena rose from the bed to pick up the intricately carved bird. Her fingers trailed the smooth head and beak. There was no mistaking the care and love that had gone into creating the gift. Sliding to the floor, she rested her head against the windowsill. The sparkling new glass was another evidence of Tex’s kindness.
She’d forgiven him once already, for not coming back for her that night. Could she forgive his choices during his eight-year absence? Especially in light of his consistent, heartfelt actions since his return?
“Can I, Lord?” she whispered.
She sat still, searching her heart. Slowly and quietly, the peace she’d felt Tex’s first night here began to grow and expand inside her. Forgiveness was the very thing she’d been hoping for from her grandfather and from herself. How then could she expect to gain it if she couldn’t give it back?
Tex was the same person he’d been two days ago. And while she didn’t condone his past actions, she could see, that outlaw or not, he was still of worth. Just as she was, even after almost leaving her grandfather and her home.
Hopping up, Ravena dabbed at her wet cheeks with her apron. Like the bird she still grasped in her hand, she had a gift for Tex. The gift of her complete forgiveness...and her love. And she couldn’t wait another minute to find and tell him.
* * *
She found him patching one of the fences. As she drew closer, he must have sensed her presence because he rose to his feet. He didn’t say anything as she approached, but Ravena could see there was something different about him. He was still as handsome as ever, his face as dear, and yet, there was an attitude of hope about him that she’d never seen before.
“The fence looks good,” she said, stopping several feet away from him. Why did she suddenly feel shy?
He nodded. “I’m almost done.”
Grasping the bird tighter within her fingers, she forced her gaze to meet his. “I’ve been doing some thinking. And some praying.”
“Me too.”
“You’ve been praying?” she half teased. She could believe he’d been thinking. Praying? Not so much.
A crooked smile lifted one corner of his mouth. “Yes, ma’am. Took almost my whole lunch doing so.”
His affirmative answer and attractive smile set her heart pumping faster. “And what did you conclude?”
“I’d like you to go first.”
“All right.” She took in a full breath and exhaled slowly. “I wished you’d told me that first day about being an outlaw. And I hope you are sincere about giving it up forever.” When he dipped his head in acquiescence, she gathered her courage to contin
ue. “I can’t say I understand your choices, Tex, but I do forgive you. Completely. I’ve realized I can’t forgive myself for my mistakes and not forgive you for yours.”
He took a hesitant step toward her, then another. “You mean that?”
“Yes.” She tilted her chin upward to show her determination. “With all of my heart.”
Grinning, he covered the last couple feet between them and gathered her to his chest. Ravena wound her arms around his waist, grateful to hear the sound of his heart thumping beneath his shirt. He might have been lost to her so many times over the years, but here he was, alive and at peace. And right here is where she wanted him to stay.
“Tex?” she murmured. He placed a kiss to her hairline. “I’d like you to stay, just like we decided before I went to Boise.”
Instead of whooping with happiness or embracing her tighter as she’d expected, she felt him tense.
Alarm poked at her earlier relief and resolve. “Don’t you want to stay?” she asked, easing back to see his face.
He glanced away, but not before she caught sight of the anguish in his blue eyes.
“What is it?”
Stepping back, he threaded his fingers with hers and rubbed his other hand over his jaw. “I can’t stay, Ravena. At least not now.”
His words made no sense. “I don’t understand.” She shook her head, her dread growing and knotting in her middle. “You said you’d prayed.” Surely they’d come to the same answer.
“I’ve got to turn myself in.”
The shock of his declaration had her dropping her mouth open, but no words came out.
“It’s the only way I know to make things right.” He hurried on as if he expected her to argue. If she’d been able to speak, she might have. “I sought the Lord’s forgiveness and my own. But that’s only partway to a change of heart. Setting things right is the other part. And I realized this afternoon that means I need to do the right thing by turning myself in.”
“But you could go to prison,” she said, finding her voice again. He’d asked to stay and she’d agreed, and now he was going to leave? “Isn’t it making things right to stop? To never steal again?” Even as the question left her lips, Ravena knew deep down that it wasn’t.
Tex reached out and caressed her cheek. “I’d hoped so, but I know differently now. If I stay, I’ll never truly be free of the guilt because I won’t have done all in my power to change. Can you see that?”
Lowering her chin, she gave a nod. His explanation, however painful, rang true. In spite of herself, she loved him even more for this proof that he really had changed, that he wasn’t going to run from his responsibilities anymore.
“I don’t want to leave you, Ravena. Especially not now.” He lifted her face and she peered up at him through tear-filled eyes. The way he tenderly regarded her made her want to kiss him firmly but also weep. “I don’t know what will happen after I turn myself in, but I promise you, I’ll come back. It may be two years or twenty. But if you’re still here and free, I’ll come back.”
“Then I’ll be waiting.”
He pressed his lips to hers in a firm kiss that filled her with as much resolution as it did sorrow. Unlike last time, he wouldn’t be leaving without biding her goodbye or giving her a parting kiss. And yet this time, it would be even harder to let him go. Because today there were no secrets, no guilt, no resentment between them. There was only deep affection and a tenacious hope for the future.
* * *
Twisting in his saddle, Tex raised his hand in a final wave of farewell to the ten people standing around the porch of the new house. He wouldn’t forget how they all looked in this moment—Ravena hugging the porch column as if for support; Jacob, Mark and Luke appearing sad but stoic; Fanny and Ginny brushing tears from their faces; and the four new boys looking disappointed. Similar feelings of regret and disappointment filled him head to toe.
Somehow he managed to look away, to nudge Brutus forward. Supper had been a glum event after he’d announced to the children that he would be leaving. Ravena had asked him earlier if he’d stay through Sunday and the Fourth of July, but he’d declined. Better to leave now while he was still resolved to do so.
Kissing Ravena’s cheek just now, squeezing the shoulders of the boys, and embracing the girls hadn’t made his determination to turn himself in any easier. His only solace came in knowing he was doing the right thing. Besides, he hadn’t left without a proper goodbye this time, and when he returned one day, he would be a free man.
The ride to town didn’t take nearly long enough. Before he knew it, Tex was climbing off his horse in front of the jail. He tied Brutus to the hitching post and hefted his saddlebags. His grief returned as he rubbed the horse’s nose for a final time. He’d thought about giving the animal to Ravena, but knowing he’d bought the horse with stolen money, he’d changed his mind. The sheriff could decide what to do with Brutus after he locked Tex up.
“See you later, boy.”
Heaving a sigh, he stepped onto the boardwalk and to the jail’s main door. His heart kicked double-time within his chest. Inside he found the sheriff himself on duty behind a tidy desk.
“Howdy,” the man said, eyeing Tex with curiosity from beneath his hat. White-blond hair poked out from under the brim. He looked to be about Tex’s own age. “Can I help you?”
Tex lowered his saddlebags into the one available chair. “Yes, sir. I’m here to turn myself in.”
The sheriff’s face registered surprise before he chuckled. “That so? What would be your crimes, stranger?”
“Bank robberies, train robberies.” Tex shrugged. “I’m an outlaw. Or rather, I was. Pretty famous too, though not so much in these parts.”
“An outlaw, huh?” The man’s expression changed from incredulity to wariness as he slowly rose to his feet, one hand moving to the gun in his holster. “And which one might you be?”
Tex leveled a serious look at the sheriff. It was the last time he hoped to ever identify himself with the infamous name again. “I’m the Texas Titan.”
Chapter Fifteen
“Can we have some pie now, Miss Ravena?” Mark asked, the expectation on his face mirroring that of the other boys.
“Not yet. We ought to let the rest of our lunch settle first.” Plus she wanted to draw out the Fourth of July festivities. That way they wouldn’t have to return too soon to the house, a house now devoid of Tex.
Mark frowned, then cheered when Jacob announced, “Let’s go play some ball.”
All seven boys scrambled to their feet and headed off to where a game of baseball had begun amongst some of the other children gathered for the celebration. Ravena smiled after them, but the merriment fell from her lips a moment later.
Try as she might she couldn’t enjoy the day. Her thoughts were on Tex, as they’d been since he’d left.
Was he in the town jail? With the holiday, she’d guessed they might not move him to the state penitentiary yet. But the not knowing weighed as heavily on her mind as his welfare did. Was he sweltering in a cell? Was he being fed?
“You’re thinking about Mr. Beckett, aren’t you?” Ginny’s soft voice nudged into her troubled reverie.
Ravena reached out and clasped the girl’s hand. “Yes, I am.”
“I miss him,” Fanny said, laying her head on Ravena’s lap. “Will he ever come back?”
“I hope so, Fanny.”
Blinking moisture from her eyes, she glanced around at the crowds of people, some seated on blankets as they were, others standing or wandering about. The entire town had turned out for the picnic, and the speeches and music would begin soon.
Her gaze stopped on a gentleman watching the baseball game. She didn’t think she’d seen him before at church or in town. And yet he seemed vaguely familiar. As Ravena watched, the man turned to his co
mpanion, giving her a clear view of his face.
She sucked in a sharp breath as remembrance flooded through her, along with sudden suspicion. This was the same man who’d questioned her about the Texas Titan at the train depot in Boise. But what in the world was he doing here?
The man stopped talking to his friend and returned his attention to the game, but after a moment, Ravena realized he was watching Jacob. Did he recognize the older boy as having been with her that day?
Alarm pulsed through her, making her shiver even in the hot sun. Something wasn’t right. How had the man come to be here, in the very town where she lived? In the very place Tex had been hiding? They hadn’t told the children about Tex’s past, or his real reason for leaving. If this man spoke to Jacob, the boy wouldn’t know to keep quiet about Tex.
Rising to her knees and dislodging Fanny, she began packing the picnic basket as quickly as her shaking hands would allow. “Ginny, would you please go get the boys? It’s time to go.”
“But what about the music?” Fanny said with a pout. “And the pie?”
“We’ll eat the pie at home. Now help me pack, please.”
Ginny obediently stood and headed toward the baseball game, while Fanny reluctantly helped gather up their things. Ravena had everything ready when the boys came trooping up, obvious disappointment on most of their expressions.
“Do we have to go?” Edmund asked.
She gave a decisive nod. “Yes. I’ll explain later.” Though what she’d say, she wasn’t sure. She only knew that she needed to leave before the man with the gray beard saw her. Or worse, began asking any of them questions.
To her relief, the children tagged along behind her as she walked to where she’d parked the wagon. She put her things in the back and climbed onto the seat.
As she clucked to the horses, she glanced back at the field to find the stranger from the depot staring right at her. “Let’s go,” she called to the team, desperate to pick up their pace, especially when the man and his companion began jogging toward them.