by Cheri Lewis
“It took you long enough,” I say winded.
We stand there for a long time not saying anything, just holding onto each other. I put my head on his chest. After a few minutes my feet begin to ache again. I lift my head and ask, “Can we go inside. I’m really tired and I want to get this dress off.” The streetlight shines enough light for me to see his face and the sexy smirk that spreads across it. I shake my head as I say, “I don’t think so, I’m not going to get my badge bunny reputation that quick.” Even though I want too badly, it has been too long and my body is letting me know.
He lifts my hand and kisses my knuckle. “Please forget I said that. I didn’t mean it the way you took it and it was a dirty thing to say.” He shakes his head, then leans forward and kisses my forehead, “I’ll go and let you get some sleep. Can I see you tomorrow?”
I don’t want him to leave yet, not again, and so soon. “Do you have to leave?”
“I don’t want to.”
“Then don’t.” I grin.
He nods slowly and takes my hand in his as we walk into the house. I hear the TV in the living room. Tank heads in that direction and I pull on his hand to follow me down the hall. I walk into my room and flip on the light. He stops in the doorway to my bedroom. “You really are a messy person.”
I roll my eyes as I pull one of my pajama sets out of my dresser. “I’ll be right back.” I leave him in the doorway as I go into the bathroom. I pull all the pins out of my hair then begin wiping my make up off. I decide to go ahead and take a quick shower. Jessie and I sweated a lot doing all that dancing. When I come back into my room Tank is sitting on the end of my bed looking at one of my many photo albums. He looks up at me and closes the book as I sit beside him. “Sorry it took me so long.”
“I’d have waited all night.” His sexy grin mesmerizes me and his words melt my heart. I lean in and kiss his lips. I want to ask him what really changed his mind and what really is going on but not tonight. I’ll save that for later and I really hope there will be a later. I put my head on his shoulder and enjoy him being here. We end up lying in bed talking the entire night. Mostly we talk about me until the sun comes up and when I see the sun peeking around my closed blind I realize the only other person I’ve ever done this with is Jessie. I snuggle into his chest as he twirls my hair and I’m not the slightest bit tired, I’m happy and for the first time in my life and I think I finally know what the possibility of love feels like even though I’ll never admit it. And it scares me to death.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Getting to know each other
I feel like a pathetic school girl when it’s time for me to get ready for church. I invite Tank to go with us but he declines again very quickly and honestly, I’m not ready to leave him, not yet. He kisses me goodbye and touches the tip of my nose with his finger as he says, “Call me after you’re done today and we’ll figure out who’s coming where.” I smile until he walks out my bedroom door, then I frown. I almost feel like last night is too good to be true and now that he’s gone he’ll change his mind again and this time I think I would be devastated.
I go into the bathroom and begin getting ready. Jessie walks, picks up a brush and starts brushing his hair as he says, “Did you get any sleep?” I look at him in the bathroom mirror then back to myself as I put concealer cream on the big dark bags that hang under my eyes then shake my head and smile. “Ugh, sunshine, I can tell you’re going to be so annoying now with all this love crap.”
I bump into him with my shoulder then look at him in the mirror as I continue to put on makeup. “I’m not in love… Do you think I’m making a mistake trying this? It’s obvious he’s pretty messed up.”
He rolls his eyes, “You’re totally in love and don’t be scared of it. If it’s meant to be it will work out and if it isn’t then you know and you’ll learn something.”
I sigh. “I know but I just want to know for sure.”
“Don’t we all.”
We finish getting ready then go to church. My phone stays in my purse the entire morning as it usually does but I’m more aware of it just sitting there. I want to check it but I also don’t want to because I will feel really silly if I check it every 15 minutes to see if he has sent me a text or called and he hasn’t. When I finally can’t stand it anymore I pull it out of my purse and am let down. He hasn’t called or texted. We go to lunch and then back to my parents for the afternoon. My father asks Jessie to help him move a box into the garage that is filled with stuff my mother is taking to Goodwill tomorrow. Which means that leaves my mother and me all alone. She clicks the TV off and sets the remote on the coffee table, “Have you decided if you’re going to go talk to Tank yet?”
I carefully examine her face to make sure she isn’t fishing for information or knows that he had come over last night. “Actually he was waiting on me when we got home last night.”
She seems pleased to hear this by the tone in her voice. “Did you guys get it worked out?”
“Yes ma’am and I think we’re going to give it a try.”
“That’s great McKinsey. You know, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought about what you asked me, why I went over to see him.”
I wave my hand. “Oh Mom, don’t worry about it. I was mad and he had hurt my feelings.”
“Well, I’ve thought about it and I want to tell you what I came up with.”
“Alright.”
“He reminds me a lot of Jessie. So tough and brave but it’s obvious he’s been beat down with life. I just get that feeling that I’m supposed to look out for him.”
“Like you did Jessie?” I ask quietly.
“Exactly.”
I run my fingers across my lips. “I had that exact thought this morning, I feel very comfortable, when he stayed last night—”
“McKinsey!” she admonishes.
I roll my eyes, “Oh Momma, it wasn’t anything like that. I swear all we did was talk. Besides I’m an adult and have been an adult for almost 20 years you know.”
“I know but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Why buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free.”
“Mom, seriously. I get what you’re saying, geez.” Jessie and my dad walk back in, “Thank God you’re here,” I say to them and shake my head.
Jessie plops down in my lap and wraps his arm around me. “What’s wrong now, sunshine?”
“Nothing other than Momma is talking to me about sex.”
“Whelp, that’s where I’m out of here.” My dad’s behind had just touched the seat of his recliner and he is back up again.
“It’s not like we’re talking about periods or anything,” I yell after my dad who is leaving the living room.
“Please don’t, because I’ll leave too,” Jessie says quickly.
I hug him tightly and start saying things like, “Tampons, cramps, maxi pads, bloating, heavy flow…”
“Hush! Stop it.” he says fighting against me. He pulls loose from my arms and adjusts his shirt; as he leaves the living room he says, “I’m going to go find your dad and do man stuff.”
“Oh McKinsey, really,” my mother fusses.
I can’t help but giggle, “I’ve never understood why it grosses him out so badly.”
“Because that’s a private issue and he’s a man.”
I shrug my shoulders and then reach out and nab the remote off the coffee table and switch it back on.
After I leave my parents I call Tank and he sounds happy and relieved I called.
****
For the next month and a half my life becomes pretty routine. I go to work, Jessie goes to work, and Tank will come over when I’m not at work. He never stays the night again after that first night. We constantly text each other or talk on the phone if he has a case to work. And he still won’t go to church with me. He’ll always meet us afterwards for lunch then go to my parents and hang out. And I notice he always comes to my house, I haven’t been to his house in two weeks except to drop off something. He doesn’
t seem to not want me there but he does seem to want to come to me instead of me coming to him. Overall I’m happy with our relationship, except the no sex part and it’s beginning to bug me that he always pulls away when it’s getting to that point.
“Why do you think we haven’t had sex yet?” I ask Jessie.
“Maybe it doesn’t work?”
I spew my soda and wipe my chin with my shirt. “It works. That’s not an issue. He always seems to pull away and needs to go home right before it’s time to do the deed. I also don’t get why he doesn’t spend the night.”
He shrugs. “Ask him.”
“I’m not asking him why he won’t have sex with me,” I squeal.
“Maybe he thinks you’re not ready.”
“I assure you that’s not it.”
“Well, I’m going back with my first advice. Ask him.”
I lay back on the couch pondering over what Jessie said. Maybe he did think it was me. Everything seems to be going perfect. He seems happy with me and I know I’m happy with him. Maybe I could hint to him that I was ready.
I pick up my phone and send Tank a text, “Hey, you going to come over tonight?”
“Yes, already on my way.”
I smile and sit the phone down. “He’s on his way, I guess I’ll just ask him,” I yell to Jessie who is in the kitchen.
“Well, that works out. I’m going to my parents for a bit, they want me to come over to pick out furniture for my bedroom in Florida.”
“You’re going to have your own bedroom down there?” I ask in surprise.
“I’ve told them not to do it but you know my mother,” he says as he walks into the living room with a soda in his hand and sunglasses on his head.
I smile. “You’re so cute.”
“Thank you, sunshine. Alright, when I get back I’ll sneak in the house. Hang a sock on the bedroom doorknob if you’re getting busy.”
I sigh then stick out my tongue. “Oh go pick out your dumb furniture and butt out of my sex life.”
He blows me an air kiss and says, “What sex life?”, then runs out of the house before I have time to retaliate.
He must’ve left something because I think I hear him come back in and I’m ready, when he walks into the living room I fling the couch pillow and hit Tank square in the face.
“Ouch,” Tank teases.
I gasp. “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry. I thought you were Jessie.”
“What’d Jessie do to deserve that?” he says as he crawls on top of me on the couch and kisses my nose.
“Nothing.” I kiss his lips back.
He wiggles until he’s able to slide behind me. He wraps his arm around me and place several kisses on my neck. I sigh, “What’s wrong?” he asks then kisses me again.
I finally blurt out, “Do you like me? Like, like me like me?”
He grows still and answers with a confused tone, “Yes.”
“Then why haven’t we done you know-what yet.”
I feel his lips on the back of my head and I swear I could feel him smiling then he says, “Well your momma said I wasn’t allowed to have the milk without buying the cow.”
I shoot up and spin around, and then I close my eyes completely mortified. “Please tell me she didn’t.”
I peek out of my right eye and his sexy smirk lets me know she had and I lean over and bury my face in his chest. “How embarrassing.”
“I thought it was funny. I’ve been waiting to tell you that for a while. But that’s not why we haven’t. Believe me I could right here right now.”
“Well, what’s stopping you?”
“I wanted to make sure you would respect me in the morning.”
I slap his stomach. “Quit being a smart ass I’m serious. I’ve begun to think you don’t find me attractive or maybe you’re hanging out here for Jessie.”
“Ohhh ho ho ho ho. Now who’s being the smart ass?”
“What else am I supposed to think?”
He reaches up and rubs my cheek and I lean into it. “Do you like me?”
I nod. “Some days I more than like you,” I finally admit in a junior high way.
He closes his eyes and says, “I made a promise to my first wife when I married her and I had planned to keep my promise no matter how miserable I had gotten. The last few years were the worst. You were right what you said before. She hounded me constantly nagging me to quit the job I loved and I wouldn’t do it. For one thing, it paid the bills and another, it’s all I know how to do. She ended up hating me and I didn’t find out until later to what extent.”
I grab his hand and hold it. “I don’t think your job has been an issue yet for us, do you?”
He shakes his head and gives me a tender smile. “When Suzie and Margie were murdered I said a lot of things, terrible things, yelled at God, and made promises I intended to keep at that time.”
“Margie was your daughter’s name?”
He nods and my heart aches at hearing his daughter's name for the first time. “Suzie wanted to name her after her mother. I wasn’t so thrilled about it but she said I could name our next child so I gave in.” I turn around and lay down next to him on the couch resting my head on his chest and he continues, “Before Margie was born I would work a lot and sometimes I took on extra work so I wouldn’t have to come home. We needed the money and that’s the excuse I used. After their deaths I obsessed with finding out who killed them.”
“I would think that would be a natural reaction, same with the anger. I would probably say things I would regret later.”
“It wasn’t just because of their deaths. I found out things. Things that went on right under my own nose. Some big shot detective I was. It made me doubt myself. I had found her journal and at first I wasn’t going to read it but curiosity got the best of me and part of me wishes I hadn’t, then part of me is glad I did. It helped some with the guilt.”
I don’t say anything I just lay there listening to his heart beat and feel his chest rise and lower as he breathes in and out slowly. He gently runs his fingers up and down, caressing my back. He finally continues, “She had been cheating on me for years but you know, it wasn’t really even the cheating. Don’t get me wrong I was pissed about that but there was one line in her journal that I’ve never been able to shake. It’s like it is burned into my brain. She wrote, ‘My lover just left and Tatum came home and lay on the sheets that we just got done making love on and he doesn’t have a clue he laid on another man’s come.’ She found humor in things that almost drove me over the edge.”
I freeze and am at a loss for words. Tears hit my eyes. How heartless, what a bitch. “Please tell me you’re making that up,” I whisper.
He kisses the top of my head then continues, “I tore up every bed we had ever slept on including the sheets, pillows, anything in my path. That's one reason my dad had to replace that mattress downstairs. I destroyed them all. Sometimes I have trouble forgetting that. Sometimes those words used to run through my head nonstop.”
“Did you ever find out who her… who it was?”
“No, but I have the son of a bitch's DNA. Of course that didn’t do me any good with nothing to compare it to.”
I rub his arm that is wrapped around me. “I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry you were treated that way.”
“I often wonder if I had come home more if that would’ve made a difference but I don’t think so. She was miserable, too. Apparently for years, but she didn’t want a divorce. Said her mother and father wouldn’t permit it. I didn’t want a divorce because of Margie. I thought it was the right thing to do. Now looking back, who knows what was right.”
“Is that why you sleep on a couch?”
“Yeah.”
I look up and kiss the bottom of his chin then his neck. I pull my arm out from under his and run it down his face. “How did you get this scar?”
He lets out a soft laugh. “I was drunk, bad drunk and I picked a fight with the wrong guy. I think I did it on purpose. I wante
d to die. I wanted the pain to disappear. He pulled out a knife and cut me from top to bottom. It took a lot of stitches to fix me up.” I shiver thinking back to Cootie pulling the knife on me.
“And your knuckles?”
“My knuckles are from when I saw myself in the mirror and I began punching. All of this was right after they were murdered and I was drinking a lot then. I don’t drink much anymore. Alexander helped curb that. He threatened me in the beginning. He was going to pull out on his part of the business if I didn’t give it up and get my shit together. At first I didn’t care but the more he came around, the more I began to focus on actually working on jobs again, and the more I seemed to straighten out.”
“Thank God for Alexander then.”
“Yeah, thank God,” he says softly. He exhales. “Suzie and I met at college; she was high class, untouchable and very beautiful. So when she seemed interested in me I jumped right on it and now I wish I would’ve let her pass on by. We weren’t ready. Her parents hated me, I wasn’t good enough for their daughter, working to make an hourly wage and having to wear a uniform. Sometimes I think I was just a toy to help her win her battle against her parents. They’d always had their thumb on her.”
“Well they seemed to have lightened up. Her father seemed to really care when he stopped by that day and so did her mother.”
“They know the truth. They know what she did. I’ve never told anybody about the affair or the journals well, outside of her family. You’re the first. I didn’t tell anybody out of respect for her family even though they didn’t deserve it, but mainly for Margie. I didn’t want her mother to be remembered for who she was behind closed doors. God, I loved that little girl.”
“You’re a good man.”
“Other people would argue different.”
“I don’t care what other people think. I know what you are to me and I know how I feel about you. I love you sex or no sex.”
“Oh, there’s going to be sex. I just couldn’t let history repeat itself, I had to be sure. You’re too good to be true…. …Beautiful…sexy….smart…caring…and your family is amazing.”