“I know what I’m doing, Chloe,” she said flatly, then picked up her fork and whacked off a bite of pancake.
“Oh, you do,” Chloe said dryly. “Well, what happened to the Rose who hates men, who vowed she’d never get married?”
She kept her eyes on her food. “A woman has the prerogative to change her mind. Besides, I never hated men. I’ve just kept my distance from them. Until now.”
Groaning, Chloe looked helplessly at Kitty. Her face wrinkled with concern, the older woman turned to Rose.
“Honey, it isn’t like you to be impulsive. Does this have…anything to do with the money we owe Harlan?”
Years of pent-up emotions propelled Rose to her feet. “You know, a congratulations, or we hope you’ll be happy, Rose, would have been nice. But I guess you two just can’t accept the fact that a man could want me for myself. You have to turn this into something cold and calculating.”
Choking on a sob, she turned and rushed out of the room.
Moments later, Chloe knocked on the open door of Rose’s bedroom. “May I come in?”
Without looking at her sister, Rose walked over to a chest of drawers and pulled out clean lingerie. “You might as well. You’re already half in anyway.”
Tossing the scraps of cotton onto the bed, Rose crossed the room to a walk-in closet and pulled out a pair of jeans. Chloe stared helplessly after her.
“I’m sorry, Rose, if Aunt Kitty and I sounded less than enthusiastic—”
Rose whirled on her. “Look, Chloe, you or Aunt Kitty don’t have to pretend to be happy for me.”
Chloe threw up her hands as she stepped further into the room. “It’s not like you to be angry and defensive like this, Rose.”
Rose closed her eyes and swallowed. “It’s not everyday that a woman announces to her family that she’s getting married. It would have been nice to have gotten a little love and support from you.”
“Oh, Rose,” Chloe said with a groan, “you know we all love you. That’s why we want you to be sure about this. You’ve got to admit this is all rather sudden. And you haven’t even hinted that you and Harlan—well, that there was anything between you. I mean, I know you two weren’t looking at bathroom fixtures the other night, but I didn’t think you were talking marriage!”
Rose knew she was behaving badly. But her emotions were so worn and raw that it was a struggle just to hold herself together. Her eyes on the floor, she said, “It happened quickly. And maybe it seems strange to you. But…Harlan cares about me. So much so that he’s going to dissolve the promissory note our father signed.”
Chloe gasped, then swung her head back and forth. “Rose, I don’t know what to say! You’re not…marrying him just because of the money, are you? Because you want to save the ranch? If that’s the case, I won’t let you sacrifice yourself.”
Rose’s head whipped up. “It’s true I’d do most anything to save this ranch. It’s the only home we’ve ever had. But I could never do such a thing to anyone. Much less Harlan.”
Hearing the wobble in Rose’s voice, Chloe crossed the room and put her arm around her sister’s shoulders. “You sound like you really love this guy,” she said with awe.
As soon as Chloe spoke, all the jumbled confusion inside Rose seemed to fall into place. She knew there was no more pretending, hoping, dreading. It was all settled now. Her heart had already decided it was going to love Harlan Hamilton whether she wanted it to or not.
“I do love him, Chloe,” she whispered brokenly. “After Peter, I didn’t think it would ever happen. I didn’t want it to happen.” Her eyes blurred with tears, she tried to smile at Chloe. “But Harlan is…different.”
Relief suddenly filled Chloe’s face. “If you love this guy that’s good enough for me,” she said, then smiled wickedly. “Now what do you want to wear? Are we going to have the wedding at our church? What about your bouquet? And a cake?”
Laughing with excitement, Rose reached for her jeans. “I don’t know! You’re going too fast! And right now there’re chores waiting on us.”
Chloe plucked the jeans from Rose’s hands and tossed them over her shoulder. “We’re going to forget about the chores for a while. Let’s go tell Aunt Kitty we have a wedding to plan!”
Chapter Nine
The following Friday afternoon Rose and Harlan were married in the same small country church she’d been christened in. Chloe acted as her maid of honor while Justine and Emily were bridesmaids. Roy gave her away, and Harlan’s best man was an old friend from east Texas, who flew in especially for the ceremony.
Rose wore an ivory, ankle-length princess-cut dress. Pearl combs held her chestnut curls atop her head while a pearl choker and drop earrings framed her face.
The church was packed with friends and well-wishers, but now that the ceremony and short reception were over, Rose couldn’t recall half of the people who’d approached her with congratulations.
Since it was a small wedding, Rose had forgone the tradition of tossing her bouquet. The pale pink roses now lay on her lap as Harlan drove the two of them toward Ruidoso.
“There really wasn’t any point in us going away for the weekend,” Rose said as the pickup wound through the desert mountains. “Emily is going to be staying with Kitty and Chloe. It’s not like we’re newlyweds going on a romantic honeymoon or anything.”
Looking across the seat, he gave her a wry smile. “That’s funny, I feel like a newlywed.”
Her cheeks suddenly matched the color of the roses she was holding. “You know what I mean.”
He sighed. She looked so elegant and beautiful, so different from the cowgirl who punched cattle in the dust and heat and rode her beloved Pie for miles over Bar M range.
“Have I told you how lovely you look, Rose?”
He hadn’t. But he’d kissed her enough this afternoon to make up for it. She was still wondering if his display of affection had been for the benefit of family and friends or simply because the wedding ceremony had made him feel closer to her somehow. Whatever the reason, Rose had to keep reminding herself that the man didn’t love her. He might look at her as though he did, but that was just his kindness showing.
“Thank you, Harlan. You look very nice yourself.” Actually, nice wasn’t the word for it. Wickedly handsome was closer to it. He was wearing a dark suit and matching tie. His hair had been trimmed to a more respectable length and the day-old growth of beard that was normally on his face had been scraped away.
If she’d been a real newlywed, she would be thanking him for his smoothly shaven face. As it was, there wasn’t any need. She wouldn’t ever be in danger of getting whisker burn on any part of her anatomy.
“I hope for the next two days you can forget about your ranch and mine,” he said after a few more miles had passed. “You may not be thinking of this weekend as a honeymoon, but it is. At least, it’s a honeymoon away from your work. You need to relax and enjoy this time.”
How could she relax when just sitting here next to him was turning her insides to hot mush? How could she go on being the cool, practical Rose he expected her to be? What if she lost control and begged him to make love to her? It would be the death of their one-day marriage!
“I’ll try.”
He grimaced. “You sound like I’m taking you to the gallows instead of a nice, quiet motel.”
She sighed. “It’s just that…I’m more comfortable—”
“With Pie than you are with me,” he finished before she could.
She opened her mouth to protest, then seeing the twinkle in his eye and dimple in his cheek, she realized he was teasing. Her coiled nerves relaxed a little.
She smiled at him. “Harlan, I’ve known Pie much longer than I have you. And he’s always happy to let me be the boss.”
With a soft little chuckle, Harlan reached across the seat for her hand. “Well, for the next two days, I’ll be happy to let you be the boss, Rose.”
Her husband was asleep. And so should she be. But Rose knew that s
leep would evade her for several more hours.
Harlan had been thoughtful enough to reserve a room with two double beds. Rose had lain in hers for a while but after more than an hour of tossing and turning, she’d given up and come out on the private little balcony overlooking a long oval swimming pool.
The night was still warm and though the pool was empty of guests, the muted sounds of nearby traffic reminded her she was only a short distance from a nearby restaurant and lounge where people were eating, dancing, laughing and generally enjoying themselves.
During dinner, Harlan had tried his best to coax Rose onto the dance floor, but she’d remained frozen to her seat. It wasn’t that she had two left feet. Rose knew how to dance and was fairly graceful at it. But she knew what being in Harlan’s arms would do to her and she couldn’t stand the temptation.
“What are you doing out here?”
At the sound of his voice, Rose glanced back over her shoulder. Harlan was standing in the doorway. A pair of white boxer shorts was the only thing covering his tall, muscular body.
Her heart hammered wildly as her gaze scaled up his legs, across his flat abdomen, then moved on to his broad, thick chest and finally stopped on his brown eyes.
“I—I’m just taking in the night.”
He walked over to her and suddenly Rose was more aware of her skimpy attire than his. Chloe and Justine had given her a beautiful but filmy negligee for a wedding gift. The pale green chiffon did little more than keep her from being naked. If she’d had any sense she would have packed her cotton pajamas while her sisters hadn’t been looking.
“You couldn’t sleep?”
She shook her head.
“Neither could I,” he admitted.
Careful to keep her arms folded across her breasts, she turned to him. “I thought you went to sleep a long time ago.
One corner of his mouth turned up wryly as his gaze dropped to her lips, then the bare skin exposed above her breasts.
“Just playing possum so I wouldn’t disturb you.”
He’d have to be gone from this state, from her very mind, before he wouldn’t disturb her, she thought.
“You don’t have to worry about being quiet for me. I often have trouble sleeping. I guess worries do that to a person.”
Harlan couldn’t help himself. He touched her hair where it lay against her bare shoulder. Immediately he heard her breathing quicken.
“You’re not worried now, are you?”
She was. But she would never tell him. Her eyes dropped to his chest. “I was…just thinking about my family and Emily.”
His fingers moved to her shoulder. Her skin was warm, pearly white and as soft as the petal of a rose. He knew the rest of her would be just the same, but he was trying not to think about that.
“You have a daughter now. How does that make you feel?”
“Very happy.” And it did. For years now she’d resigned herself to the idea that she would never be a wife, much less a mother. Now she was both. Maybe not in the truest sense of the word. But Emily loved and needed her. And that meant a great deal to Rose.
“And what about me? You don’t regret having me for a husband, do you?”
His calloused fingers sent shafts of heat radiating through her shoulder. She told herself she wished he would step back from her so that she could breathe and think. Yet what she really wanted was for him to crush her in his arms. To kiss her and touch her and tell her how much he loved her, how he would always love her.
“No, I don’t regret marrying you. Do you regret having me for a wife?”
How could he, when just looking at her like this melted his heart?
“No,” he murmured. “I’ll never be sorry I married you.”
Rose’s heart swelled with emotion. It wasn’t an I love you, but it was infinitely sweet to her just the same.
“You might be. Someday.”
Her voice dropped to a raspy whisper on the last word and Harlan suspected she was very close to tears. Wanting to comfort and reassure her, he pulled her into the circle of his arms.
“Rose,” he whispered. “I don’t know why you would think such a thing.”
She trembled as she felt her breasts press against his hard chest. “I’m not what most men expect of a woman.”
His hand slid beneath her hair, then cupped the back of her neck and drew her closer. “No. You’re more.”
She groaned and buried her face in the side of his neck. “You…don’t know. Oh, Harlan, I feel like I’ve betrayed you. I’ve cheated you—”
“What are you talking about?” he asked with wry humor. “You couldn’t betray anyone even if you tried.”
Suddenly tears were brimming over her lashes and spilling onto her cheeks. Horrified at their appearance, she lifted her head and dashed them away with the back of her hand.
“I’m a frigid woman, Harlan. I can’t make love to a man.” Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she shook her head. “I should have told you all of this before we were married. But I was so ashamed. You see, I…I’ve never made love to a man before.”
A part of Harlan was stunned by her admission and yet he’d somehow intuitively felt her innocence when he’d kissed her. Still, she wasn’t a frigid woman. Maybe she thought so. But he knew better.
“Rose,” he said softly. “Being a virgin isn’t anything to be ashamed of.”
She reared her head back far enough to look at him. “You don’t understand, Harlan. If you decided you wanted me…for us to have a child, I couldn’t…”
As her words trailed away it struck Harlan exactly how much this whole thing was tearing her apart. And then suddenly he began to see everything about her more clearly. I don’t make social calls on men. I haven’t let a man get near me in years. I won’t have a sexual relationship with you, Harlan.
“Rose, what makes you think you’re frigid?”
She drew in a long breath. “I just know. That’s all.”
His hand slid up the side of her neck until it was cupping her jaw. “Are you telling me that whenever I kiss you, you don’t feel anything at all?”
“No! Yes! I mean—” Shivering at his touch, she paused and tried to draw a calming breath. “Harlan, don’t ask me these things.”
“Why?”
She groaned. “Because there’s no use. If you want an annulment I won’t be angry or hold it against you.”
His arm came around her waist and tugged her closer. As Rose practically fell against him, she could feel his bare leg slipping between hers, the bulge of his manhood pressed against her hips.
“I’d rather hold you against me,” he whispered..
Like a block of ice in the afternoon sun, Rose began to thaw. Her hands crawled up his chest and anchored themselves over the tops of his shoulders.
“You don’t think I’m a cold woman?”
Cold? She was searing him like a hot brand, making him forget their plans to keep this marriage a platonic one.
“Do I have to answer that with words?”
Rose didn’t know what had come over her. She’d never planned to tell Harlan any of this. But there was something about him that pulled at her, exposed her in a way that she couldn’t understand.
“Harlan, you said…you didn’t want me.”
“I don’t recall saying anything like that. If I did, I was temporarily insane,” he countered.
His hands splayed around her waist, then slid to her back and up to her shoulder blades. Heat began to pulse through Rose, filling places deep inside her that she hadn’t known she possessed.
“It wouldn’t be good for us to…make love tonight.” Tomorrow or anytime, Rose thought wildly.
“I can’t think of anything that would be more good,” he murmured against the crown of her head.
Rose’s knees were growing weaker and weaker, making her cling tighter and tighter to his shoulders.
“It would only make problems for us. We married for practical reasons.”
Maybe they had,
Harlan thought, but it seemed less and less like that now.
“You don’t want us to be together…physically?”
Rose suddenly felt as if she were on a giant pendulum swinging to him and away from him. Should she end the ride in his arms or as far away from him as she could get?
“No. I mean…uh…maybe I’m—” Too torn to say more, Rose pulled out of his hold and hurried back inside the room.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she covered her face with trembling hands. A wedding night wasn’t supposed to be this way, she thought miserably.
“Rose?”
Her name came out softly, gently. She dropped her hands and looked up to see him standing over her. The raw intimacy on his face terrified her.
“Harlan, it’s not a matter of wanting. It’s—”
“Tell me.” He eased down beside her and reached for both her hands. “What did he do to you?”
“He? How did you know…” She shook her head. “Who are you talking about?”
His thumbs caressed her knuckles. “The man who hurt you. The man who asked you to marry him. The conventional way.”
Rose twisted her head away from him. “I don’t want to talk about him. He isn’t worth it.”
“No. He isn’t worth coming between us.”
Harlan was right. Still, she hadn’t told anyone about Peter. Except her family. But Harlan was her family now.
“I—was very young. In my second year of college at Eastern New Mexico State,” she began. “Peter was a medical student there. And I…thought I was in love with him.”
“You thought?”
Rose shrugged. “I’m not sure if I knew what love was back then. Does anyone, when they’re nineteen years old?”
“Did you become engaged to this man?”
Rose nodded. “But as soon as Peter slipped a ring on my finger he…became possessive and demanding. He thought I should be ready and willing to jump into bed with him.” She lifted her eyes to his. “I wasn’t ready for that. Emotionally or physically. I had been raised to believe that sex was something that should happen within the sanctity of marriage. I guess that sounds laughable to you. Especially now, after what my father did. But at the time it was very important to me.”
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