“I’m going to go home, take a nap, and come back later. If you happen to see my best friend while I’m gone, tell him I missed him and I hope I get to see him later.”
Turning to walk away, I feel Blake approach quickly. He grabs ahold of my elbow, and I stop walking, waiting for him to say whatever is on his mind. After all, he listened while I spoke my mind. He should get a turn, too.
I don’t turn around. I don’t want him to see how upset I am. He waits a few beats before letting out a breath and clearing his throat.
“I’m sorry, Charlie. I think New York had more of an impact on me than I did on it. I didn’t even realize it until just now.”
There he is. The Blake I know and love. His sincerity rings loud and clear in every word he speaks. The truth of his words hits me as I turn to find him, shoulders slumped forward, looking at the ground.
“Consider yourself forgiven. I’m just glad to have you home,” I console him, trying my best to be enthusiastic.
“Wanna come in and watch a movie or something? I’m ready to relax for a while.”
“You look exhausted,” I say as we head toward his porch. “Did you forget to sleep while you were there or something?”
“I didn’t forget, I just didn’t have as much time as I needed.”
Judy pokes her head around the corner as we walk through the door. “Did you want something to eat, Blake?”
“I’m not really hungry, but thanks, mom.”
Her eyes light up for a brief moment before looking him up and down, the same expression she had in the driveway consuming her features. I can tell she’s worried about him, his weight especially. I am, too. I shake my head at her, mouthing the words “I got this” as I usher Blake toward the stairs and up to his room.
I have two weeks to get my best friend back—all of him.
“So, what’s up with the crazy clothes?”
“Dean bought them for me. Well, he bought them and then took the money out of my paycheck. He said I needed to look the part. You don’t like them?”
“I’m sure they’re fine for New York. Here? Not so much, and you don’t look like you at all. I almost didn’t recognize you when you got out of the car.”
Plopping down in a bean bag, I power up the Nintendo and insert the first cartridge I see. Blake, on the other hand, drops his bag next to his dresser and flops backward on his bed, exhaling what sounds like a sigh of relief. I’m sure he’s excited to be home. Maybe he’s even excited to be done with his internship. Most of all, I think he’s relieved he doesn’t have to answer to someone else all the time anymore. His time is his own. No one controls it but him. He is now free to do whatever his heart desires. Right now, I hope it desires a game of Mario Bros.
“You wanna come down here and play a game or two?” When he doesn’t answer, I push myself to my knees and find he’s already fast asleep. That didn’t take long.
Tossing my controller on the floor, I move to take a seat on the bed next to Blake. I remove his shoes first, tossing them one at a time into the corner, hoping some imaginary hole will open up and they’ll disappear forever. I contemplate undressing him further, but I don’t feel right about it. Instead, I open his closet and pull a blanket off the shelf, covering his exhausted body.
As I’m about to close the door behind me, I hear Blake’s voice, and I can’t contain the smile that spreads across my face.
“I missed you, Charlie.”
I’m not surprised to find Judy waiting for me at the bottom of the staircase.
“Is he okay? What happened to him? Why is he so thin? Is he on drugs?”
I raise my hand to cut her off. She would ask as many questions as she could think of if I didn’t.
“I don’t have any answers yet. He fell asleep the second he hit his bed. I think he’s going to be okay, though. It seems like he’s been overworked. We need to give him some time to relax, sleep, and recuperate. I promise to tell you if there’s anything you need to know.”
“I don’t know what he would do without you, Charlie. I hope he realizes how lucky he is.”
Pulling me in for one of her famously tight hugs, I manage to squeak out a response between gritted teeth. “Me too, Judy.”
Letting Blake get the rest he most definitely needs, I head back home to get lost in a book for a while. This proves to be a challenging task for me. I reread sentences over and over again as I try to push all thoughts of Blake, his appearance, and his demeanor from my mind. Finally, I give up, tossing the book on my bedside table.
Looking up at my ceiling, I replay the moment Blake stepped out of the car this afternoon. I still can’t get past the shock of how he looked. This internship was meant to help him advance his career. He was supposed to spend a few months in New York learning about his craft, honing it. The only thing I can see is a worn-out version of the person he used to be. I can’t imagine he learned much if he was never given the opportunity to rest. On one hand, I’m worried about him. On the other hand, it angers me.
I’m angry he was run ragged. I’m angry it appears he wasted his time working for someone who used him as a gopher when he could have been here, spending time with me. Most of all, I’m still angry at Blake for taking the damn internship to begin with. This was supposed to be our time together, and it looks as if he wasted two months and gained nothing. That’s the last thought I have as I fall asleep waiting for Blake to call me.
Over the next two weeks, Blake and I attempt to make up for lost time. We spend every waking moment together we can. It’s not until our last full day together I realize we’ve fallen back into our old routine. I should be happy about this, thrilled to have my best friend back, but I’m not. After my visit over spring break, I was thinking we had become more than friends. Judging by the way he’s been acting and I’ve been responding, I was wrong. Dead wrong.
It’s the little things that stand out. He doesn’t try to hold my hand. He doesn’t wrap his arm around me. The way he says my name doesn’t make my heart melt. Do I still care about him? Of course. I don’t think there will ever come a time in my life I won’t care about him. The real question is, how he feels about me. I’m still hoping for more than friendship.
“You’re awfully quiet. What are you thinking about over there?”
Blake’s voice interrupts the internal monologue I was having with myself. Turning my head, I find him staring at me over his sunglasses. He’s pushed them down to the tip of his nose, and I can see his eyes sparkling in the sunlight. I don’t bother to take my sunglasses off as I reposition myself on the lounge chair to face him.
The sun is beating down on us as we sit beside his pool, enjoying the warm afternoon together. Something deep down is telling me to be honest with him. He’s relaxed, in a good mood, and there’s never going to be a better time to talk about it.
“I was thinking about us,” I reply hesitantly.
Blake pushes his sunglasses back into place and turns his attention to the glassy surface of the water. “What about us?”
“You know exactly what I was thinking, Blake. Don’t play dumb with me. It doesn’t suit you.” My tone is harsh. I don’t want to play games with him. Knowing I need to lighten up if we’re going to have a conversation, I relax back into the chair and clear my throat.
“I’m not playing dumb, Charlie. I need you to be more specific.” His voice is calm, his thoughts collected.
“I want to know where we stand. What am I to you?” I do the best I can to keep my frustration in check and not let on he’s pissing me off by acting so flippantly.
“Do we really have to talk about this? Can’t we just relax and enjoy our last day together?”
“No. You’re leaving in the morning to head back to school.”
“That’s exactly why I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
My frustration’s no longer in check. In fact, I’m getting more agitated by the second.
Calming breath. One. Two. Three.
Nope.
Still pissed off.
“Look, I missed out on spending the summer with you. We didn’t get to do anything we planned on doing. When I left Santa Barbara, it seemed like we were more than friends. In fact, it still seemed that way when you left for New York. Now, you’re back, we’re here together, and it doesn’t seem that way at all. What the hell, Blake?”
I watch as he clenches and unclenches his hands, not speaking for a few minutes. The last thing I want to do is fight with him for the last few hours we’ll get to spend together until Christmas. He has to know that. At the same time, I can’t let him leave without getting answers. I’ll go insane wondering.
“I don’t know what to say, Charlie. I know what you want me to say, and I know how I feel about you, but I don’t know what to say.” His voice is soft making him sound a million times smaller than he is.
“How do you feel about me, then?”
I close my eyes and pray I don’t regret asking him. In the next five seconds, he might shatter my heart into a million pieces. It’s happened before, but never at the words of a man who’s held my heart so gently. I love Blake… more than I should.
“I love you, Charlie. You know that. I shouldn’t have to tell you.”
That was too easy. Opening my eyes, I take him in. He’s put back on a good portion of the weight he dropped in New York. He’s still staring at the pool, avoiding looking in my direction. He looks like he’s relaxed. That’s when I see he’s still curling his hands into fists. He’s lying to me.
“Love me how? Be specific,” I demand.
“You’re my best friend.”
That’s what I thought. Something has changed in the last few months, not just his appearance. Something else happened.
“Who is she?”
“What?” he asks, his head whipping in my direction in shock.
“Who. Is. She.”
“I heard you,” he says, the volume of his voice rising to match mine.
“Then tell me her name. I know there’s someone else, Blake. Did you meet her in New York? Is she one of the models?”
“No!”
“No, she’s not one of the models or, no, you’re not going to tell me?”
“She’s not one of the models.”
“I knew it. You’ve been home for almost two weeks, we’ve spent all this time together, yet you never once mentioned her. Why?”
He doesn’t respond for a few minutes, and I give him the time he needs to process everything that’s just happened. I’m guessing he thought he wouldn’t have to say anything to me until he was back at school. He didn’t want to break the news to me in person. What a chicken shit!
“I love you, Charlie, that’s why. No matter who I date or how much time we spend apart, I’ll always love you. I knew you would react this way, so I didn’t tell you.”
“So… that’s it then? We’re over before we’ve even begun?” I ask as I stand, wrapping my towel around my waist.
“Wait. Don’t leave angry with me, Charlie. Please.”
“What do you want me to say? I’m angry. I wasted my entire summer and most of the last year hoping for this”—I motion between us—“to go somewhere. You take a trip for two months and come back with a girlfriend, and I’m left in the dust. You knew I’d be angry. You knew this would hurt me.”
“It’s just… we can’t be together right now. You’re still in school, and I’m—”
“An adult. Right. How could I forget? Maybe someday, right? When I grow up.”
Turning to leave, I’m about to exit the gate when I swear I hear Blake say something. I look over my shoulder, but he’s already gone.
BLAKE’S COMING HOME today, and I’m torn about whether I want to see him or not. Judy called to let me know she’s picking him up at noon. I was surprised she called until I realized she must not be aware that it’s been four months since we last spoke. I’m sure Blake neglected to mention to his mother he screwed up.
As the car pulls into the driveway, I take a step back from the window, not wanting Blake to see me watching for him. His head pops up over the roof of the car moments later, a huge grin on his face. Shielding the sun with his hand over his eyes, Blake looks in my direction, but I’m certain he can’t see me. Until he waves, that is.
I turn tail and head upstairs to my room. He’ll show up eventually.
He looked happy. In fact, he looked more like the Blake I used to know and love than he has since he left for college. The look on his face, especially his beaming smile, reminds me of the one I saw so often the summer after he graduated. So many things have changed since then. He’s changed. I’ve changed, though not as much as him. We lead different lives in different cities.
Being young and naive, I thought everything would stay the same. He would come home on breaks, and we would pick up where we left off as if he’d been gone for days, not months. I see now how wrong I was. Nothing can stay the same forever. Relationships change over time. Some get better, others dissolve, but none stays the same.
My love for Blake hasn’t wavered. In fact, I think the distance from him this past semester—not speaking to him—has caused my heart to ache for him. It’s crazy to think I may love him more now than I did four months ago when I walked away from him, angrier than I’ve ever been with anyone in my life.
The heart doesn’t care. It wants what it wants. It can be stepped on, beat up, used and tossed aside. It only makes it stronger and want to fight harder. For months, I thought mine had cracked in half. Until I saw Blake step out of that car, I thought I might never be able to love someone again. The truth is, I might not. My heart beats for him, and it may only ever beat for him.
Only time will tell. I’ll wait patiently for him to show up… hopefully, with one hell of an apology.
Five o’clock came and went. No Blake. I watched the clock all night, waiting for him to show his face, but he didn’t. When noon the next day came and I still hadn’t heard from him, a storm started to rage inside me. I couldn’t decide who I was more upset with, him or me.
I was stupid enough to think I would be the first person he would visit, to apologize for something he probably still doesn’t think he did wrong. Maybe he still thinks of me as a kid. Well, he should know better than that. He should have known better in the first place.
This is his fault. I can’t blame myself for his imperfections or the fact he doesn’t have the decency to apologize to someone he claims is his best friend. I should go over there and give him a piece of my mind. That’s what I should do, but I can’t. I tried that once already, and it led to our radio silence the past four months.
Forty-five minutes after I decide not to walk over to his house and give him a piece of my mind, I’m knocking on his front door. The storm is still raging inside me, but I’m secretly praying it calms down the second he pulls me in for a hug. In fact, I’m banking on it. The last thing I want is to start a new fight with him before we’ve resolved the last one.
Judy opens the door, pulling me for one of her hugs before hollering up the stairs to Blake, letting him know I’m here.
“You can go up if you want, Charlotte. He’s in his room.”
I nod and grip the railing for support as I put one foot in front of the other, slowly climbing the stairs. Standing outside his door for a second, I take a deep breath and compose myself. My hands begin to shake as I turn the handle and push against the door. Locked. It’s never locked.
“Blake,” I say as I knock.
I hear people moving around and Blake muttering. “Shit. Here. No, it’s fine. Put this on.” I knock again, confused for half a second before I take a step back. “Just a sec,” I hear him holler as my foot hits the top step of the stairs.
I’m closing the front door behind me when I hear Judy call my name followed by Blake yelling after me. I’m a stupid girl. I never should have gone over there. I was trying to be the bigger person, the adult in our relationship. I shouldn’t have to prove to Blake I’m adult. In the end, I didn�
�t. I ran away from the situation when I realized there was another person involved.
Alone in my room, I stare up at the ceiling and try to remember the way it felt to be a part of Blake’s life. I list the ways he made me feel special. Closing my eyes, I envision his face, his smile, and the many looks he’s given me over the years. I can almost hear his laugh as I replay all the adventures we’ve been on together.
His excitement radiates off of him, his camera in one hand and the world before him. I can still feel the water splashing on my face as Blake jumps in the hot springs. So many great memories, making me wish there was a promise we would have the chance to make more together. Someday.
“The smile on your face tells me you’re not sleeping.”
His voice is music to my ears, yet my smile fades instantly. Opening my eyes, I see Blake leaning against my door frame, filling the space more than he ever has. He’s grown, not in size but in stature. The shape of his body has changed and he’s filled out in places I would like to explore if given the chance. I’d start with his arms and his chest, both of which look fantastic in the tight-fitting t-shirt he’s wearing.
I need to stop ogling him and say something.
“You’re right, I’m not.” My voice, void of all emotion, causes his smile to fade.
“What were you smiling about?”
“Just a good memory, that’s all.”
“You ran away from me again, Charlie.”
“No, I walked away. I’ve never once run from you, Blake, not that I haven’t wanted to.”
“Feisty this afternoon, I see.”
I roll my eyes at him and sit up. He takes that as an invitation to come in and take a seat next to me. Now would be the perfect time for him to apologize. I remain silent and wait, deep down certain it’s never going to happen.
Opening his mouth to speak, Blake hesitates. When he tries a second time, words actually come out.
“So there’s someone I want you to meet.”
“Would that someone be a girl that may have needed to put something on when I knocked on your door?”
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