“I told ya sunshine…strippers make shit girlfriends.”
“Come on, you know you want to. What’s stopping us? It’s pretty obvious I like you, and we just established you like me. I aint got a problem with you being a stripper, not in the slightest, and you seem cool with me being a boxer, so…the natural progression is we get together, see how it goes. Will you at least think about it?”
“You could have any girl you want, why are you going to all the hassle of trying to pull me?”
“Because…” he thought about it, trying to choose his words, “because…a lot of girls have fallen for me, but this is the first time I’ve fallen for a girl.”
She laughed, but he could tell that answer had moved her, somewhere deep down inside. “Ooh, good answer!’ she sighed, ‘You don’t give up, do you?”
“No, no I don’t. I wouldn’t make a very good boxer if I did, would I? It’s not in my nature to give up without a fight.”
“I like that. Alright, okay…I’ll think about it. In the meantime…” she leaned in and kissed him, a long, lingering kiss and then kissed his forehead, “that do you?”
He swallowed hard. He was beginning to feel like his normal self again, his heart rate settling back down, his eyes straightening out as he relaxed. He was a different kind of giddy now, and if he had ever felt it before her, he would know that right in that moment he was already in love with her, head over heels. “Oh my God…I aint never met no one like you before. You got totally under my skin too.”
She smiled, seemingly happy with that. “Awe thanks, Danny boy. Well I’m gonna hit the town, so have a great Christmas and I’ll see you on New Year’s, okay?”
“Yeah, you will. Amazing outfit by the way, be careful if ya going out like that.”
She laughed again. “Oh, don’t you worry about me, gorgeous, I can look after myself.”
He laughed too. “Yeah, I bet you can.”
She stopped at the door and thought for a minute. “One more thing, Danny - take a shower, because you kinda stink.”
It was his turn to roll his eyes and he nodded. “I plan to. Sure you don’t wanna join me?”
“I’ll see you New Years, Danny…” she said, deliberately ignoring that comment though still smiling, and she walked away, leaving him sitting there smiling like the cat that got the cream.
Chapter Three
2007
He lit himself another cigarette and blew the smoke out in rings. He looked down at his hands.
“I spent that Christmas with my Ma. I used to spend every Christmas with her, she made the most amazing Christmas dinners, and I was always a mummy’s boy, I don’t mind saying.”
“Were you close then?”
He smiled and nodded. “Yeah, very close. After my old man passed on, she was quite reliant on me. She used to do everything for him, so she needed me to fuss over. She used to do all my washing – even after I moved out. And yes, I know how lame that sounds. I reckon she always thought I’d move back in eventually, or hoped I would.”
“She sounds like a great woman, Danny.”
“Yeah she is, the best. She’s had it rough has Ma. Dad weren’t kind to her, and now of course she has a convicted murderer for a son. She’s always been on the breadline, always struggled but she put me first my whole life. I remember eating my tea as a kid and wondering why she weren’t eating, but sometimes there weren’t enough money for us all to eat, so she fed me first, and dad and she just…went without. When I started to make money I used to give her some, as much as possible. She used to frown at me disapprovingly but most times I managed to persuade her to take it. I reckon dad dying was a blessing for us both, but she was still a bit lost when he croaked.”
“Did you not get on with your dad then?” she asked cautiously, aware she might be pushing it and hitting a nerve.
Danny shook his head. Thinking about his father left a foul taste in his mouth.
“No, not really. When I was little, I was emotional and very sensitive. My dad said I was too soft, so he set about improving me as he put it – making me a man. Pushed me into boxing, he was a boxer himself in his younger days, before he got a back injury that turned him into the bitter, lazy-arsed useless cunting bastard he turned into. I wanted to study, I wanted to be a teacher…but he pushed and he pushed and in the end, I got really good at boxing. He saw potential and had me training night and day. Drove me to tears many a time, I can tell you. I was exhausted. But he kept on pushing, until I was spending so much time on it, I failed all my exams and boxing was all I had left. And in the end I started to enjoy it, especially when the money started to roll in. Ma didn’t approve, she could see the aggressive side of me starting to come out.” He looked up at Kate. “This aint the first time I’ve done a stretch you know. When I was seventeen I got an assault conviction and got three months. I did six weeks in one of those youth places. Sort of like borstal. I came out of there even bigger and more aggressive than I went in. Just about broke her heart, God only knows what this has done to her.”
“I’d say she must miss you.”
“I doubt it. She’s probably disowned me by now,” he said, knowing that was highly unlikely. “I miss her, though…” he conceded, “but…I made the right decision, cutting myself off. My life is done with, I’m gonna die in here.”
“You have parole coming up next year, right? You might get it.”
“Nah, unlikely. My case was pretty high profile, I was pretty much the most hated man in the country at the time, no one wants to see a fella like me back out on the streets, not even sure I do.”
“Speaking as a mother…whatever you have or haven’t done, you’re still her son. I think you should give her the chance to see you. I think if you did…she’d be here like a shot.”
He stubbed his cigarette out and shook his head. “I can’t do that. Look around you, Kate. This place is a hellhole. I can’t have my Ma here; to be honest I’m uncomfortable with you being here sometimes. She probably wouldn’t even recognise me; I’m not the son she gave birth to. Danny Edwards died seventeen years ago, the same time my wife died and my baby was taken from me. What’s sitting in front of you today is what’s left after seventeen years of guilt has eaten away at me. Aint pretty, is it?”
(nothing wrong with what I’m seeing)
she thought, but didn’t say.
“Why do ya feel guilty?”
“You’ll find that out, in time. I aint never told anyone the stuff I’m telling you.” He frowned. “I don’t know why I’m telling you to be honest; I just got this vibe about you, when you sent the visiting order. I can’t really explain it. I don’t talk about this stuff. I don’t talk about anything to anyone. And yet with you…I open my gob and everything just…flows. I find myself just telling you.”
“And I appreciate it and I don’t take it lightly either…” she thought for a moment, “where does your mum live?”
He smiled a little. “Why, do you wanna meet my Ma?”
“Would that be okay?”
Danny shrugged. “Up to her, I suppose. Doubt she’d talk to you, but if you want to try, it’s not like I can stop you. Actually, I quite like the idea of someone keeping an eye on her. She’s getting on a bit now, and she never really had anyone but me. She lives on the Ridges Estate, you know it? Those high-rise flats. Assuming they’re still there and she aint moved. She lives in Beech House, the block at the back, number fifty one. Her name’s Robyn.”
“I might call in on the way home. Just on the off-chance, like.”
He smiled again and it was the most genuine smile she had seen from him so far. “Yeah, alright. Would you uh…give her my love? Tell her…as always, she’ll understand. Explain to her why I can’t let her visit.”
“I’ll try, though I aint sure if I get it myself.”
“You don’t have to. Just take my word for it. She is never, ever stepping foot in this shithole.”
“But-”
“No, Kate.” His voice was
firm, the familiar glaze back in his eyes again, angry and agitated and she stopped, realising he was on the verge of losing his temper again. She nodded, conceding.
“Alright…”
He allowed himself to relax, again swallowing the intense emotions and nodded. “Are you coming next fortnight?”
She gulped and nodded again, trying not to show that he had scared her a little with that one simple look, showing her his dark side again. “Yeah, course.”
“Good. I’m starting to look forward to these Tuesday mornings.” He smiled a little shyly, an expression that looked out of place on him, but, she thought, suited him. “I uh…made you something, a present.”
She smiled, surprised and touched and feeling her insides unknotting in relief. “You did?”
“Yeah. Don’t get too excited, it aint much.” He handed her a bracelet, which was essentially a piece of elastic with various multi-coloured beads threaded through it.
Her smile broadened. “Oh, Danny…it’s really lovely, thank you.”
“Like I said, it aint much,” he said hastily, part of him regretting giving it to her. It had seemed like a good idea, perfectly logical to give it to her, now in the moment, it seemed more than it was, more significant. “We had uh…arts and crafts yesterday, ah the joys of prison life. I think it was designed to be a relaxing therapeutic exercise or something like that. I dunno. It was actually pretty funny. A bunch of big blokes – murderers, armed robbers, arsonists - all sat round making plastic jewellery and some of them really got into it. Anyway, this was the best I could do. I was gonna chuck it, but you can have it if you want it.”
She slipped it on her wrist. “I think it’s very pretty, I love it. I’ll wear it all the time.”
“You don’t have to, not for my sake.”
She took his hand, squeezing it. “Hey, I want to.” They both looked down at her hand settled on his and she moved it quickly, clearing her throat. “Mmm, well…I’ll see you next fortnight, then.”
He nodded, trying to collect himself, embarrassed to have shown his vulnerability so freely. “Yeah, see ya next fortnight. Thanks, Kate.”
“For what?”
He shrugged. “Um…just for…listening I suppose. I know you only come here for your course and that, but…it’s always a pleasure to see you.” He smiled a little and shrugged again as if to say that’s all I got and she nodded.
“I’ll see you soon.”
* * * *
Kate pulled out of the prison car park, her mind over flowing with thoughts and lit herself a cigarette – she had been smoking a lot more than usual since all this had started, even Holly had noticed that but she couldn’t seem to slow down.
The whole thing still didn’t sit right, didn’t make a bit of sense to her.
Every time he so much as mentioned Natalie his eyes lit up with obvious love, and she couldn’t imagine how he could have reached the point of murder if he had loved her as much as he clearly did. But then if he had had the short fuse he so obviously possessed now back then, she absolutely could see it, certainly it didn’t take much to light a fire in him.
At the time of his trial, his mum had stated publically several times that she didn’t believe he’d done it. At the time she had been the only one on his side, everyone else was baying for his blood. Even Danny wasn’t on Danny’s side. She had been the lone voice in his defence, even after he had changed his plea.
Kate knew she needed to hear every side of the story and his mother’s opinion was very important. After all, who else on the planet knew him better than his own mother?
It didn’t take long to reach the Ridges and she got to Beech House to discover the lift was broken and she had five flights of stairs to climb.
She made it to the third floor before the nerves kicked in and she had to force herself carry on.
The building was hideous, the stairs smelt of a repulsive mix of urine and vomit, and every wall space from the ground up was covered in obscene graffiti. Somewhere nearby she could hear a couple arguing and a baby crying, and the sound of what was obviously a big dog barking.
At last she reached number fifty one, she hesitated, then rang the bell, stood back and waited.
She heard guttural coughing inside and the door opened on the chain. A lady peered out at her who could only be Danny’s mum; he had inherited her blue eyes.
She looked Kate up and down suspiciously. “Yeah..?”
“Mrs Edwards?”
“Depends. Who wants to know?”
“My name’s Kate Marshall.”
Again, that suspicious stare. “You from the council?”
“No, I’m here about your son.” Kate said.
She narrowed her eyes. “You aint a journalist are ya?”
Kate thought about the first question Danny had asked her and thought they must have had a lot of dealings with the press, and she guessed none of it had been good.
“No, no I’m not. I’m a friend of Danny’s.”
Robyn looked at her, confused, and shook her head. “No, you can’t be. My son is in prison, has been since the dawn of time, or so it feels. You have the wrong place.”
“You’re Robyn Edwards, right? And your son is Danny Edwards?”
“Yeah, but like I said….he has no friends, he’s locked up.”
“I know, Mrs Edwards. I’ve been visiting him this past month, he’s the one told me where to find you.”
She shut the door and Kate felt her heart sink,
(well, that’s it then…)
and then it opened wide. “Come on in.” Robyn said, walking off.
Kate accepted the offer and followed her into the living room. “Thank you.”
“Have a seat, you want tea? Coffee?”
“Oh, coffee would be lovely please,” she replied, thinking that a vodka wouldn’t go amiss right now the way she was feeling.
“Sugar?”
“Mmm, two please.”
She nodded and went into the kitchen. Kate sat down on the sofa and glanced at the wall above the fireplace.
It was like a shrine to Danny, with pictures spanning his life from infancy up until probably the last point at which he had been a free man.
She stood up to get a closer look and smiled to herself
(awe, what a cute kid)
looking at the one that said underneath;
Danny, St Thomas’s Junior School, 1972
a seven or eight year old Danny, smiling into the camera, looking adorable in his school uniform, his tie slightly crooked, obviously sporting a fresh (and slightly severe but typically seventies) haircut. She couldn’t help but smile at that innocent face, and feel so sad for him at the same time.
Another was of him in his boxing gear, arms stretched up in the air holding up a trophy.
The dominating picture was of him dressed very smartly in a deep blue suit, looking, she thought, absolutely gorgeous, smiling and squinting in the sunshine of late summer. Under that one it said;
Danny, Wedding Day, September 12th 1989
They really hadn’t been married that long.
She felt the sadness return and sighed.
(poor guy)
Robyn came back in with two coffees on a tray and a selection of biscuits and set them on the coffee table. “He looks really handsome there, don’t he?” she murmured, not looking up.
Kate smiled and nodded. “Yeah, he does. Very handsome, and very happy.”
“I had one of him and…her, but I don’t have that one up no more. I didn’t much like her, see? Oh I didn’t hate her, and the poor girl didn’t deserve to die so young and so horribly. But for Danny she was bad news from the start, had him wrapped round her little finger. He would’ve walked over hot coals for her, and what did he get in return? Nothing but stress and heartache, and now…he’s in that place because of her. He don’t deserve it.” She stopped herself, as if she felt she had said too much. “You uh…you said you’ve seen him? Actually seen my son?”
Kate
took a sip from her coffee and nodded. “Uh huh, three times now.”
At that she exhaled and a couple of tears rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them away and shook her head disbelievingly.
“Three times more than me. It’s been so long since I heard someone else say his name, this is so surreal. I got no one I can talk to about him, I had no one at the time who didn’t turn on us, and it’s been so long now, there’s no one around remembers him, or wants to remember him. It’s been like…he only exists now in my memories, and in this house. I haven’t said his name out loud in…seventeen years.” She frowned. “Wow, has it been that long? Where do the years go?” She shook it off and sighed. “Um…wow. How is he? Is he alright? Coping?”
“Well, I just came from there, and he’s well. He seems alright. But then I mean I didn’t know him before, so it’s hard to say, if you get me.”
Robyn didn’t immediately respond. She took a sip from her coffee and lit a cigarette. From the yellow stains on the ceiling and almost visible cloud of smoke in the flat, Kate guessed she smoked a lot. Like mother like son.
“Before prison, before Natalie too…he was a happy, life and soul kind of man. Always laughing and joking, always positive and always smiling. He loved a party and he loved life. He was just…full of energy and zest. I’m guessing he aint like that now. And please, you can be honest with me, what impression do you get of him now?”
Kate thought about it, and decided that to be honest was the best way to start things off with this woman, who struck her as a plain speaking no-nonsense kind of person.
“Um…the first time we met, he put on a front. He was all cocky and quite intimidating. He uh…he was trying to scare me, he admitted that at the end, when he apologised, he said he didn’t mean to offend me but that he weren’t used to needing social skills. He said…defence was all he had, whatever that means. He was testing me. Since then he’s been very polite and open with me. But…he seems to have a bit of a temper brewing under the surface, maybe its frustration or something. He’s so…intense. He looks like a man who has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I get the impression he’s learnt to keep things - feelings, emotions and such - tucked away. He smiles sometimes, when he forgets not to, but he looks tired. He described himself as a damaged man, and I would say that’s pretty accurate.”
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