Guilty

by Heidi J Thomas

  “Have you thought about what you’ll do when you get out? Less than a year…”

  “Yeah, until my first parole shot, which I won’t get. Not even sure I’d want it, what would I do with myself? I’m too old to box, and I got nothing else. Not like I have family waiting for me, is it? No wife, no…no kids.”

  Kate hesitated. “You uh…you could look for Emma.”

  That threw him. It was something that had never crossed his mind in any realistic sense, only in dreams had he imagined one day reconciling with an adult version of her. But he had never seriously considered it as a reality.

  Kate was instantly sorry she had said that, not wanting to anger him.

  He looked at her, surprised. “What would be the point in that? I’m nobody to her. What would I say? ‘Hi, I’m the guy who thought he was your dad, and the man who killed your parents. Wanna go grab a burger and bond?’ Nah…it would be amazing for me, but I would mean nothing to her. If she even knows anything, she wouldn’t care about me. And yeah, that makes me sad, because for the first few weeks of her life, we were inseparable and that means nothing now, but that’s life. I only hope she’s happy, that she’s had a good life. That’s all that matters.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

  “No, it’s okay.” He smiled, and laughed a little, though he was beginning to feel tired and headachy. “How did we get back on to me?”

  Kate shrugged, feigning innocence, “No idea. But before I forget, Danny…” she handed him an envelope, “it’s a letter from your mum. She made me promise to put it directly into your hands. Maybe…she might get a reply?”

  He rolled his eyes, amusement flashing in them. “Hmm…she knew what she was doing giving it to you, huh?”

  Kate held her hands up in defence. “It’s just a letter…”

  “Yeah, alright, a letter I can do, I guess it’s the least I can do for her. I’ll read this tonight, tell her she’ll get a reply in the next week or so.”

  “Great, thank you I will. So…I guess I’ll be seeing you in October. God, times flying by.”

  He smiled a little. “Can’t say as I share that sentiment.”

  “No…sorry.”

  “Stop apologising, you do it far too much.”

  “Sorry.” She said, grinning a little.

  “It’ll soon be Christmas eh?”

  Kate groaned. “Oh, don’t. Holly wants a drum kit; she’s playing on someone else’s at the moment. She reckons when they hit the big time – which apparently will be very soon – she’s gonna need her own ‘kit.’ I’m sure the neighbours will share my delight.”

  “She plays the drums, huh?”

  “Yeah, and she sings too – very well as it goes.” Kate said proudly, “he makes me cry when she sings.”

  “She sounds like an amazing girl.”

  “She is, too bad Chris couldn’t see it, huh?”

  “Well, she’s always got you, hasn’t she?”

  “Yeah, she has…so I guess it’s that time again.”

  He nodded, his smile fading a little. “I guess so. Well…bye then. Say hello to Holly for me, if she knows about me.”

  “She doesn’t yet, but I reckon I might tell her soon.”

  * * * *

  Danny listened to his door being locked and sat down on his bed, the letter from his mother in his hands; he turned it over and over. He wanted to read it, but didn’t know if he could. He was afraid she was angry with him, or worse somehow, disappointed. It had been so long since they had communicated; it was hard to imagine what she might have to say.

  One thing Robyn had been right about, was that he was lonely. Not wanting to be around the others any more than he had to be, he spent most of his time in his cell, and some days could be mind-numbingly empty and boring. He spent a lot of time thinking, and many of those thoughts had been of his mother. Shutting her out of his life physically had not had the same effect mentally. Alongside simply missing her, he felt guilty for turning his back on her, and he longed for her on a daily basis.

  Although an empty, numb existence, the years had been somewhat easier pre-Kate. Easier in the sense that he didn’t have to factor in other people’s feelings like he did now, and he didn’t have to feel anything himself either. Whether they had been better, he hadn’t decided yet. Certainly it was nice to have something to look forward to, some sort of interaction, some conversation, but the emotions coming back were beginning to pain him, and fill his head with confusion and stress.

  He sighed, tore open the envelope and began to read.

  * * * *

  My Dearest Danny,

  I’ve asked Kate to put this letter directly into your hands, that way I can be sure you got it, and if I don’t get a reply I can’t kid myself that it simply got lost in the post.

  I miss you, son. Very much. You’re all I’ve got in the world, and I hate that I’ve lost you.

  I do understand why you won’t let me come see you, so I’m not mad, but I am frustrated. I’m your mum and I want to support you, why won’t you let me? I’m so much stronger than you give me credit for, emotionally anyway.

  All this is so wrong, a hideous form of self-torture, and when all is said and done what does it achieve? Natalie is still gone, and it’s not your fault. Deep down you know I’m right, so how long is this going to go on for?

  I’m so glad you’ve got Kate now to talk to. Isn’t she just lovely? I hope you tell her the truth as we both know it, and that it maybe gives you some closure, to get it all out, and offload.

  Please don’t shut me out anymore. We need each other. I’m seventy next and I’m not in the best of health. I have emphysema and I spend most my days coughing my guts up. I’m not trying to emotionally blackmail you; I’m just saying….life is short. I won’t be here in a years’ time, I know that.

  I only want to see you one more time, that’s all. Please think about it, really think and don’t break my heart.

  In the meantime, please write back, even if you have nothing to say. Just to have something from you, something new to show me…you actually are still out there somewhere, not just a mythical memory in my head, would mean everything to me son, it really would.

  I really hope I will see you soon.

  I love you Danny, and I always will, no matter what.

  I’m very proud of you,

  With love as always,

  Mum xxx

  P.S. I have enclosed a photo to remind you of the bond we used to have and I hope we can have again someday. Keep it close, so one way or another I can be with you. Bye darling. X

  He looked in the envelope, found the photo and smiled to himself. It was at least thirty-five years old; he was seven, maybe eight, sitting on a wall on the park outside the flats, his mother standing behind him with her arms wrapped protectively around him, her chin resting on his shoulder. They were both wearing huge smiles, squinting in the sunshine of early summer.

  He ran a shaking hand over it, feeling a wave of emotion sweep over him so strong he almost choked on it.

  Over the years he had learned to suppress emotions, would’ve lost his mind otherwise, but looking at that photo, some of the emotion that made him Danny, that his father hadn’t managed to kick and punch out of him, crept back to the surface.

  Over the weeks and months Kate had been visiting, she had been systematically breaking down his barriers, probably without even realising she was doing it, and he was beginning to feel again. In some ways that was good, in other ways he thought it was just plain dangerous, for his sanity.

  He felt tears coming and fought them furiously, only letting a couple out before he had to rush to the toilet and was violently sick. He gasped at the shock of this feeling, his whole body shook.

  He lay back on his bed, his heart thumping, and his head pounding too, and willed sleep to come to him, which some three hours later, it did.

  * * * *

  29TH SEPTEMBER 2007

  When Kate arrived at Robyn’s flat, s
he frowned when she saw her face. She looked tired and as though she had been crying, although she was trying to hide it behind a weak smile.

  “Are you alright, Robyn?” Kate asked, dropping her handbag by the sofa, concerned.

  She nodded. “Yes, love. The post arrived; I got a letter from Danny.”

  “Oh…that’s good, aint it?”

  “Yeah. No. Sort of, it’s just upset me cause I know him, and it aint nothing but a page of pain and heartbreak…and I can’t do a damn thing about it, cause he won’t let me!” she had begun to cry and she wiped her eyes with her hanky, composing herself. “Read it, love…tell me what you think.”

  “Oh, I don’t know, it’s sort of personal, Robyn.”

  “Please, I don’t mind and I know he wouldn’t.”

  “Alright…” she took the letter from her, sat on the sofa and read it out loud.

  Dear Ma,

  Thanks for your letter; it was great to here from you. I hope you’ll be just as pleased to here from me.

  I miss ya loads, course I do mum. I think about you all the time, just silly stuff like imagining you watching telly under your blanket in the evenings, and when I have something crap in front of me for tea I close my eyes and pretend its your roast beef and yourkshires.

  I worry about ya health, but I’m glad you’ve got Kate to keep an eye out for ya…yeah, ya right she is a diamond, I proper think the world of her. I’d love to have met her in another world, another place or time. But I’m glad I have her friendship now.

  Don’t say your proud Ma, there’s nothing to be proud of hear. I’m a murderer and the in’s and out’s don’t matter, I have to pay for that.

  I heard from parole today I get my first shot early next summer so you might see me sooner than you think? That’s why I’ve decided I can’t let you visit me. I don’t want ya seeing me like this, what I’ve become, and its no place for my Ma to be. Don’t hate me, try to understand. Please. I do wanna see ya but not here, not like this.

  You’ve always been on my side and I love ya so much for it, you have no idea. Noing your out there caring about me means everything, means I aint alone.

  I wanna be your son, but the truth is the son you loved has gone, and I don’t know if I can get him back…I don’t think I could ever feel happiness or be able to make anyone happy again in any way, I think I’m just too damaged now to be fixed. Life is hard and I gotta live it hour by hour and not think too much just to stay sort of sane. Do yourself a favour and remember me like I was. An obnoxious sod with a cheeky grin and an answer for everything.

  Please just…try to understand, try and forgive me for all I done wrong and believe me when I say I love you Ma. I stopped the visits because I couldn’t bare to see you in here, and I stopped righting because I had nothing to talk about and I wanted you to still have a life and not be dragged down with me. I’m sorry that it didn’t turn out like that. Im just sorry is all.

  I promise to rite regular and I keep you in my thorts

  Love always

  Danny x

  p.s. sorry for my speling, havent rote nothing in years and its made me kinda thick xxx

  * * * *

  2ND OCTOBER 2007

  He stood to meet her as she came through the door, looking, she thought, much like Robyn had the previous week.

  The beard was back, messy and unkempt, and coupled with dark circles under his eyes, added years to him.

  She managed to smile a little, and then to her surprise without a word he hugged her with a force that she found both nice and worrying, holding her tight and letting out a deep sigh. She squeezed him briefly, rubbed his back, and pulled away and they sat down. She lit herself a cigarette, and lit one for him too.

  “Here, looks like you need it,” she frowned, “is everything okay?”

  Danny nodded wearily. The urge to just hold her, to be held by her, had overwhelmed him. He had had a lousy fortnight, still reeling from the emotional distress that came with the letters and with a general feeling of unease.

  “Yeah, I’m just a bit tired. Sorry, just…needed a hug. I can get away with it time, because it’s my governor guarding me today. He’s alright, he gets that sometimes even cold-blooded murderers need a cuddle. How’s mum?”

  “She’s okay, Danny. Really. Listen…the parole thing is good news; this could all be over soon.”

  “Not while it’s all trapped in my head, it won’t be. Time for us to get back to it, where were we?”

  “We were up to the night Natalie was…attacked. You said she went to the doctors and said she had cracked ribs.”

  “‘Ah yeah…” He took a drag of his cigarette. “So like I said…I knew something was really wrong, I knew there was more to it. She just weren’t the same. She didn’t like to be touched, and she started wearing joggers and my sweaters all the time, covering up, you know? I tried everything to get her to snap out of it, but she weren’t having none of it. I even got Lauren round to talk to her, and I hated Lauren, she was a real bitch and she hated me too – well, I expect you know her opinion of me, she expressed it clearly enough in the papers, in court, and at Nat’s funeral. Nat just told her what she told me – that she was fine. And then one day, at the beginning of June, she comes to me and she blurts out-”

  Chapter Seven

  “-Danny, I’m pregnant.” She said, out of nowhere and sat back waiting patiently for Danny’s reaction. He spat his coffee out and looked at her closely; searching for an indication that this was some sort of weird Natalie joke, but found none. She simply looked at him, her face saying nothing, although he could see she was trembling.

  “Say again?”

  She looked down at her hands. “I said…I’m pregnant, Danny boy.”

  For a moment all he could do was sit there while the words sank in, and then it hit him and his face broke into a huge smile.

  “You’re…you’re uh…I’m gonna be a…a…a daddy?”

  (God Danny…you, a father…)

  She smiled feebly and nodded. “Um…yeah. You’re happy?”

  “Nat babe! You just told me I’m going to be father, yes I’m over the fucking moon! Aint you?”

  “Uh…well, I don’t know. It’s all a bit…I don’t know how to do it, or…I don’t know. It’s all a bit muddled in my head.”

  He frowned. “We can do it between us, we can do anything. You learn as you go along, we’ll be fine. Don’t you worry, I’ll look after you, and our baby, I promise. How far along are you?”

  “Uh…about three months or so.”

  “Already? Jeez, how long have you known?”

  “A few weeks…”

  “Why didn’t you say something sooner? Is this what’s been stressing you?”

  She shrugged uncomfortably. “Kinda. I just needed to get my head round it. And I was scared, we aint known each other all that long Danny, and a baby…well it’s life changing. I wouldn’t blame ya if ya ran a mile.”

  “Why would I do that? Don’t you know yet that I love ya, that I’m mad about ya?”

  “That was before, when it was all…new and exciting. I don’t want you thinking I’m trying to trap you, I didn’t do this on purpose Danny, I swear. I don’t want this but it’s happening and that’s that.”

  “Babe…there’s nothing more exciting than parenthood. You can stop being scared; because I’m gonna make this easy for you. I’m gonna support you and you’ll see…it’s gonna be brilliant.” He put his hands on her cheeks, forcing her to look at him properly for the first time. “Thank you.”

  She had begun to cry a little. “For what?”

  “For making my dreams come true. I’ll be the best dad ever, you’ll see.”

  She smiled and kissed his nose. “Of that, I have absolutely no doubt.”

  There was a short silence and then he grabbed her suddenly, lifting her with ease and spinning her around.

  “Woo!” he shouted, unable to contain his excitement anymore, and she laughed hysterically, and the sound, so ra
re these days, was like music to his ears.

  * * * *

  A couple of weeks later, he managed to persuade Natalie to go to the club with him, to tell everyone their news. She went, but a little reluctantly, and she insisted on sitting in the corner, constantly looking around her, for whom or what, he didn’t know.

  He spent a bit of time trying to tempt her onto the dance floor, but she was having none of it, so in the end he sat beside her, with his arm over her shoulders, as she rested her head on his chest, seemingly happy to be there in his embrace. After weeks of distance between them he relished the closeness, savoured it for all it was worth.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, stroking her hair.

  She smiled up at him and nodded. “Yeah, fine.”

  “You sure..?”

  “Yeah, course.”

  “I love ya…”

  “I love ya too, Danny boy.”

  He kissed the top of her head gently. “Marry me, then.”

  She sat up and looked at him, puzzled. “Huh?”

  “I said…marry me...” he hadn’t planned on saying it, but as the words came out he realised he meant them, with everything inside him, he meant them.

  “Why, cause I’m pregnant?” she asked, seeming mildly offended.

  He frowned. “No, you clown. Because I love you. And you love me.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Are you gonna get down on one knee?”

  “I don’t know…aint really thought about it.”

  “I think you should.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  She scowled playfully. “I’ll kick you in the balls, and put you on your knees.”

  He grinned. “You know…when people ask me why I love you, I just don’t know what to say. It must be your sensitive, gentle side.”